Mrskro

Melbar; Honestly, in my opinion there is still a communication breakdown. "if he wanted me to go I would be glad to" You bounced the ball right back into his corner forcing him to make the decision for you. It always infuriated me when my DH would say that. "I'll go if you want me to" it comes off sounding begrudging and like I'm forcing the other person to do something.

OH nonesuch. I am so sorry, send you and your SO hugs, thoughts and prayers. I can't imagine. F*ck Cancer!

This one is easy, I'm Canadian The Tragically Hip!! Convertible, sunroof, or windows up and the AC on in the car?

Hey Sugarbell, has your son been kissing my daughter?? Spent two days in the hospital, she was admitted because her throat closed up, after many many tests, galk of surgery and it was mono. Complicated mono. Dealing with this crap alone sucks!

I'm with canadiangirl; While I am sure a lot of widows and widowers experience similar situations, feelings, relatives and friends that don't get it. I'm not sure how much I can relate to her. For me, I'm sure she experience a ton of difficulties, just not ones I would face. I mean, I couldn't imagine running a large company like that anyway, let alone in the throes of grief. Her story just doesn't seem to be mine. I'm not sure what practical advice she can offer that I haven't already figured out. I read that Adam Grant, who wrote it with her, told her there are concrete steps to recover and rebound and I just don't buy it. There isn't one path to overcome grief, every situation and every person is different. Hell if there were concrete steps to get us all over death, we wouldn't be here and why not just hand out the book at every funeral home. I've been meaning to buy the book by Michelle Miller, Boys, booze and bathroom floors, now I didn't lose my husband to suicide but I feel I can relate to her much more. And I read It's ok to laugh (crying is cool too) by Nora Mcinerny. I loved the way she told her story. Now, I am glad people are writing about their grief, putting faces and names to it. I actually wish friends and family would read more about grief and maybe they would understand what we all go through. http://www.betternotbitterwidower.com/?p=376 I really wish more people read stuff like this blog. I am planning to read it, I just haven't had time.

Log cabin in the woods for sure. I've actually been looking for one Sunrise or sunset? I should have read farther back... lol Coffee or tea?

Coke...definitely coke Spring, summer, fall or winter?

My mother passed away in 1991, my father then bought 12 plots. 2 for himself and my mom, 2 beside him and he planted a tree there. The tombstone already had his name on it, he had them put in a cement bunker to prevent water from getting in. He was always going to be buried there. The plots are all in two rows, the headstones back against each other. The 2 behind my parents were for my step mother and my sister in law. I have a spot in the middle of my sister and brother. When my husband passed away my step mother gave me her two spots, and her spot was shuffled down by 2. This was her idea. I'm not sure if she knew she didn't want to buried there or it was just easier than involving moving my siblings plots around. Like I said there's 10 spots excluding the tree. My father passed away last January so I asked my step mom if she was ok with his wishes. Her response was "It doesn't matter to me. It's just a burial spot. He's not really there" She visits much more frequently than I do, as they are in my hometown about 3 hours away from where I live. She puts flowers on everyone's graves, she once told me she was grateful for my mother, the love she had for my Dad, and was not looking to replace her, but add to Dad's life. Due to my brother and sister fighting her over my Dad's will and assorted other issues, she's actually given me those two plots now too and moved to a different spot in the cemetery to prevent and other nastiness from my siblings. I was adamantly against this, it wasn't what Dad wanted, but again she said "I won't really be there either". I'm of the opinion cemeteries are more for the living. My name is next to my husband's on his tombstone. I didn't ask for it, the headstone people just put it there. I don't plan on remarrying, but who knows what will happen. I was always against cremation. But have now thought more about it and dividing me if I do.

Hey Klim; I hear ya, I'm at 2 1/2 years now, and I can't stand this murky future I'm facing. All the questions that surround every decision I seem to have to make now. If I had to put a name to it, I'm actually like momtokam, going with the flow. But I don't like it, not really, I don't like not knowing where I'll be in a year and a half when the first one goes to university. What will happen a year and half after that, when I'm left with a 4 bedroom house alone. Life is confusing, and it didn't used to be. I don't like it.

I stayed on my couch for about 6 months. My husband passed away suddenly in our on suite bathroom while getting ready for work. I didn't go back into our room until it was renovated. I had nightmares, re-living giving him CPR and passing away, it was like a bad movie replaying over and over again. My doctor tried melatonine but it made the nightmares techno coloured and worse. I finally had to get sleeping pills as I couldn't function.

I started taking care of the "things" fairly early. I don't speak to my siblings as they are horrible people, so I need to make sure they couldn't touch my kids or their money, they couldn't be trusted to ensure the well-being of my kids. I already had a will with my LH specifying who would take guardianship of the kids, but need to make sure they were still willing considering its a more pressing need now. I had to have a lot of painful discussions with people regarding my wish for medical attention for myself if needed. I don't have any other immediate family so I needed someone to have a medical power of attorney as well. I was actually frankly shocked at the number of people who have no plans at all and couldn't comprehend that I would want my affairs in order. I was also quite surprised at the number of people that didn't think they would be capable of following through with my wishes. Specifically I don't want machines to keep me alive. My lawyer also advised against having the same person control your money and have power of medical decisions, in the event of long term hospitalization etc. I've set up a will which defines how and when my kids can access their trusts. My lawyer also had me draw one up in the horrible case of an accident involving all of us. Which truly, horribly sucked but was necessary to ensure my terrible evil siblings cannot benefit from my estate. It all sucks but unfortunately is a necessary evil. hugs

TooSoon; I've been thinking about your post for awhile; my situation with my career was different as I gave mine up while my DH was still alive but this stuck with me. This was/hell it still is the hardest part. My DH and I worked for the same large company in different divisions. We had the same career and we were both "stuck" at the levels we were at, timing meant promotions were hard to come by as our bosses were effectively our ages. I was actually ok with it, not to brag but I was great at my job, I loved it, I didn't want the paperwork and politics that would have came with a promotion. He was offered a promotion but we had to move 4 hours away, into Toronto, uprooting our lives. I turned down the promotion but was offered my current job in the new plant. They were happy, I was happy, hubby was happy. And then we found out our company has a stupid ass policy that they don't have to release a spouse to another division if they aren't promoted. We made the decision I would resign so we could move as a family. It turned out Corporate HR stepped in and forced the one division to release me to the other because well it was stupid not to. Fast forward 5 years, and my shift got eliminated (I worked midnights so I could be around for our kids during the day and I liked it). We made the decision, that I would take the buy out because the alternative was working swing shift, hubby working steady days, and only seeing each other on Sundays and every two weeks for dinner. And having someone else raise our kids. Financially we were ok but I struggled with "who the hell am I now?" I had worked the same job since I was 21, I loved it, even the bad days I loved it. I was not, I'm not cut out to be a stay at home mom. I had dinner with a bunch of old co-workers about a month ago and the conversation kept coming back to the fact that none of them could believe I quit my job and didn't go crazy. But my priorities shifted, after DH died I was offered a job by a friend of a good friend, it was part-time to help out, work from home, something to help me pass the time. I actually love it, I'm working full time now, low pressure, decent money. No one can believe it, it's not "me". But, none of that has helped me with the question "who am I?" I don't usually agree with Mike and I may be putting words in his mouth but what I took from him, what I've experienced is, work became a huge part of my identity and definitely helped define me and it becomes a balancing act between work to live and live to work. I hate instability, uncertainty. I'm a planner, I had my life planned out and it didn't turn out at all like I planned. So I'm left with "who am I?" But I've realized my career and even my location don't have a lot to do with that question. I guess in the end I just wanted you to know I hear you. None of this is easy.

This article should be given out at every funeral. http://johnpavlovitz.com/2017/01/05/the-grieving-need-you-most-after-the-funeral/

I just want you to know you aren't alone here. I am not their damn maid! Nic

Rob; Both my kids take a turn cooking roughly one night a week. I've tried meal planning on Sundays for the week so I can shop, ( we all hated that, because what if on Friday I really don't want chicken). I've tried you have to tell me by x time on Monday so I can shop, (opps I forgot Mom) and then I went with you can go to the damn grocery store with me and spend an hour wandering the store with me instead. I'm lucky, I work from home, so if their ingredients aren't here, the minute they walk in the door from school they have to go right back out to the store. They've gotten a lot better at telling me what they need, they've put a board up in the kitchen with a running list and leave it on the coffee maker for me most weeks, the stick of being dragged to the store seems to work for us. I also started a "Fend for yourself Fridays" when they were being particularly difficult. I'm not fighting over food, so they had better make sure they have something available on Friday's because I'm not cooking/shopping/ordering. It only took a couple weeks of soggy left overs and hotdogs and hours in the grocery store to realize it was easier to give me a list. Now if only I could figure out how to get the 14 year old boy to shower a bit more regularly. And get both of them to put their dirty clothes in a hamper I'd be a happy camper. Wishing you luck

I don't have experience as a widow with this, but I do have experience as a step kid. My mom passed when I was a teen and my dad remarried. I can see what the author is saying, I have relatives that still refer to my step mother as "that women". They were married 23 years. At my father's funeral people complained that there weren't enough pictures of "his wife" my mother in the video. She passed away in the 90's it's not like there were a lot of pictures any way. I've often thought about how difficult people made my step mom's life with in sensitive comments about my mom. My dad made things harder, I think, he moved them into a house my mom had built, not thinking about how hard that would be on everyone, my siblings and I, to watch a new women in our mother's house, her and her kids, moving into another women's house. Hell he was buried next to her. One thing they did was make new friends together, it helped to have people that were theirs alone. If that makes sense. I wish you luck blending, I know its hard.

Fuck being a single parent, this sucks!

Hey I sent you a PM.

This is awesome Sugarbell! Congrats

Still_lost; There is so much more going on there than just typical teenage angst. I'm sure this is still tough on you though. Good for you in recognizing that it wasn't going to work though. Hugs

@sikeuritgadeun I think losing friends was one of the hardest things for me. I actually had friends facetime me while they were on vacation with another couple and told me when I get a boyfriend I can come too. I don't get it, I don't think I ever will. This is all hard enough without losing the people I though would support me.

March is better for me as well, I'm swamped this month.

Big hugs to you and your son! And congrats on the Confirmation. The big milestones are so bittersweet now.

@momtokam Those shoes are awesome!! Hope you had fun!

Thanks to you all. It's nice to know I'm not alone! @Bunny. DD and I listened to that podcast! Hilarious and just what I needed! @Klim I definitely will next time! Thanks