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Valentine's Day. Should be a wonderful holiday, even if made up by marketing. DH and I would go out to eat, usually stay overnight somewhere. We did SOMETHING. NG and I last yr. went to see Bon Jovi, stayed in the "city." It was great! This year. NG asked about an overnight cruise ride on the lakes with dinner, breakfast and eagle watching. So cool. But too late. Didn't plan it timely, and I have my KID ALL the time. Not time to get him somewhere for the night. New town, so not connected with friends yet to say, "Hey, can you keep my kid for the night?" Disappointed...... Will do something. Dinner will be fine. But since I moved to the city where he lives, not one adult night away. I miss that. He has his kids the next weekend. I am thrilled he brought it up. There is that....

Gosh, Trying. Similar experiences. My dh died at 45. His 50th was sad. I only did flowers at church in his memory. Had a big 40th for him. I always ask my son what he wants to do. He was 8 when dh died. I think he feels strange doing memorial things now. Maybe it will change. Another big one! 😢 (sigh)

My dh would tell me I had crybaby shows, ones that I just would cry and that was it. Well this is my new one. But a whole new experience peering out from my own. I am sorry it is so difficult for so many. I weep but then I know that is okay. I loved and loved well. The fact that a tv show can somehow show a little of that humanness is ok for me. I would not watch it if it triggers trauma reactions. Or you just don’t need that in your life. We all are so different in this journey, yes? I am sorry it hurts so deeply, trying.

Leadfeather, I get what you are saying, and I was the same way. In fact, NG called me on it, stating I was operating from a brain/experience of 21 plus years of marriage instead of dating him for almost 2 years. I didn't deny it. Folks here suggested I "back off" and let things grow naturally, versus maybe even scaring NG off. I was ready in about one year to have the "where are we going with this?" I also told him about 6th date I was wife material. Good luck with what you decide. I understand the wanting to know, but then this dating thing. OY!

Yup. All these folks are watching it and commenting on FB, and I am like, "been there , get it." Made me remember telling my son his dad had died. I had not thought of that memory in several years. It is all in the brain, somewhere. I saw how the mom had her rituals for the day, and I was like, "Spot on." Folks will get it someday, likely, but it is real for many of us. Hope all are faring well with it all. I spent the night watching the Superbowl with NG with his group of friends. DH and I always had a party and then went to parties. We had one the last time Justin Timberlake was on, actually. My old group posted FB pics. It is just so strange in so many ways; surreal doesn't quite touch it.

Sending you warm vibes and prayers. What a development for you? Can you say test? GEEZ! I don't believe in coincidences. You will get through it. Hopefully as gracefully as possible. (((HUGS)))

Congrats Arneal! BIG BIG CHANGES! ;D

I understand what you are saying, Trying2breathe. I am in a committed relationship. I don't know if we will be until death do us part. Not there. But there are some things that are just sacred to me and have no benefit in sharing with NG. Things with DH and our lives together. I have some "secrets" that are mine and DH's. Intimate things no one can know as it would be disrespectful to my life with DH, the father of my child. I would think NG has similar things with the mother of his children, but it is tainted now due to their on going conflict. I would hope NG and I will do the same. Have things/experiences, that will be just ours, for no one else to know, and certainly not understand, then. Protection. Yes, how to open up to that kind of vulnerability. Right now, since I am not committed to death do us part, I am not opened up 100%. Don't have to be. If I take that walk, then I think "I" will need to be. Others choose their own course. Witness at the custody hearing. Do I have to? NO, I suppose not. But it is about his kids and him, and if I can help, I think I will. Telling the truth or facts of my observations should not be hard. I don't know. Will see where things lie afterwards. He just needs someone to state that saw the kids in activities that the kids appeared fine. We went rappelling and his youngest cried and chose not to go down. It was not a big deal, and the trainer was superb in managing it, and she had done the same with a child of the same age prior which we all observed. I was at the top so heard/saw it all. The mother was angry, stating the child was not ready and, I guess, pushed the child past his comfort level, and is going to try to use this as he is a bad dad. I am a child therapist and my brother is a professor and trains people to be child play therapists. I have done research prior to knowing new guy about the influence of fathers, boys being treated like defective girls (about 15 yrs. ago a hot topic), so I believe in the need for a father figure when possible. The research supports kids having a role model of both sexes, and usually that is a mother and father. NOT always, we know here. So, I don't know if they will keep my profession out of if. I hope so. Expert testimony is different than witness.

This is exactly what NG says. His ex married him, Lt Col. and envisioned this life. They lived large in Europe, traveling, seeing all these countries, river cruises, exciting life. But she wanted to have kids, so out of the military and live close to her parents. She wanted to stay home AND have all they had as DINKS. She was a teacher but still didn’t want to work. He worked his full time job at an Air Force base with great federal benefits and then weekends in the guard to retire full military benefits. She wanted a bigger home, more stuff, and it wasn’t there. Her parents intervened. She moved home, they bought her a brand new house and keep the kids so she works now in School administration. NG says he didn’t follow the prescribed narrative. He didn’t do what she wanted, and she left. Her perfect image of marriage and motherhood bashed. He is blamed. Poor provider. Mind you, they never dealt with death, illness, complications like that. Just normal marriage and having kids stuff. Don’t know how she will manage when life hits her. Be the victim, I guess. You nailed it. Their last marital therapy session was when the therapist discussed that the further your expectations were from reality/ and flexibility, the greater your discomfort and unhappiness will be. She never returned. 😑

Yes, Portside. A father being thrown into the only parent role has to be difficult. No doubt about it. But moms have always struggled with working or not working and now being the only parent adds. Just is. Probably not a lot of books written for dads on the choice to stay at home or not. Or tv segments on balancing home and work and kids for dads. But Yes, all of this is difficult. Not intended to get into a debate about sexism. Hoping to help the poster of the topic, Katelsam,

I think as a mother you just struggle with guilt with the working issue. No matter which way you go, there is some guilt. I don't believe men have to think much about this at all as their role is typically the provider. They work. and that is it. I left my career of 19 yrs. and worked part time and still do. I can, and I couldn't do the full time job out of town and be on call and take care of my elderly mother and my son. Well, my mother died in Nov. and my son is a teen and I am struggling about only working part time. I can, but feel guilty about that. I can work more so shouldn't I? There is the word, SHOULD. SAH moms feel guilty sometimes because they feel they should contribute more. WE beat ourselves up a lot, MOMs. The great debate about work and rearing kids. I truly believe each mom has to find their path. Some can afford to not work, work part time and some cannot. Some want the career and to use their gifts that way, and some moms like to be at home, be the PTA mother, etc. Find your path, TRY to let MIL's opinion pass, as she is not in your shoes and your kids will do okay, regardless. Also, WE know here it is all temporary. If it isn't working, regroup and change plans. Not set in stone. I just came to that conclusion recently, and it is freeing. I have that luxury right now. I hope I maintain it.

I am very sorry. My dear friend and fellow widow just went through this. Her husband died of cancer in 2014 fall, and her sister had a baby in Dec. 2014 and suffered congestive heart failure afterwards, and she was 40. Since then, she has been in and out of the hospital for multiple issues. She was diagnosed with cancer this summer, and hospice in Sept. My dear friend was struggling so much. So close to her husband's death, cancer, and her sister passed right after Thanksgiving. It is so hard to understand why so much was placed on her and her family. It just is too much for her to carry. I try to be supportive. My mother died in early Nov. but it is not the same as her sister with a 3 yr old and other children. Young and leaving children behind. I feel deeply for you and your family. I understand the dwindling family line. I am the "baby" which means I could end up being last in my generation. I don't know but it is lonely already as we are spread out and thin. Lifting you up in a difficult time.

Doing better with NG and having regular contact and communication. Spending as much time as we can with our parenting responsibilities and activities. New job is getting more involved, so I have other things to focus on, as well. Started bible study. We tried to get one together through his church or mine, but timing and topic did not work out. NG goes to court March 14. He has asked me to be a witness. UGHGG. .... I hate going to court, and have avoided it often in my work, trying to do depositions if I had to do something. It is not about me, and I know this. I also know his ex's family will hate me, and I am trying to be a new professional in a town that is not that big. I don't know how much influence they have here, but they are long term here, country club folks. And she is a school administrator. I will do it for him and his kids, but hope I don't suffer from it professionally or just become a witch to his kids as I think his ex's family will talk about me, then. I have stayed out of the radar, away from his ex, and only crossed paths two times ever in almost 2 years. Never have I been where the extended family are, which seems to be a big problem with stirring up problems. His oldest is stating often that his grandparents don't like Dad, and he wonders why. Anyway.....

Good point. Trying to walk in someone else's shoes.

Very good points made here and to consider. CW, I think you have read a bit of my dilemna of dating a divorced man with young kids and a controlling ex he is battling with for custody. NG doesn't fight with her when I am around. He is so logical, it is precise, emailed generally as he saves it all for documentation. But, I still had issues with the time and growing a relationship if I am always the consolation prize. I had a deep conversation with him NY Day. And I did tell him I would let him go if it created too much turmoil for all of us. I told him I was not going to beg him to spend time with me but we had to have face to face time, too. I was prepared to say good bye, and I will if need be. Life is too short to have him thinking I am a nag for him and his time. If I have to "beg" for time, we are " not there." NG has stepped up, and we are spending time when we can, and it is more. But I also am strong enough to let him go if need be. Not a manipulation on my part but a truth. Good luck with deciding how best to handle it for you. I have gained some insight and strength from the readings shared here.

Yes, to all you said. Understand it on many levels. THIS is exactly what I did. Continue life as if LH didn't die. Keep all the same. Except in writings on FB and some close friends. After 2 1/2 yrs., my mother's health declining, and my work pushing those of us out systematically who were on the awesome state retirement plan, I quit that career of 19 yrs. AND had panic attacks that lead to heart monitors, and IBS stuff that lead to scopes. It was all stress. It was very hard. I thought I was doing the right thing for my son and my finances and such. Turns out I was causing more harm to me, and the house of cards was precarious, me being the foundation, and my health being vital. So, though I don't have the transcontinental love affair and marriage (WOW ), I do understand on some level. Can't change the past, we know, so learning, as they say to do in your 40s, do what you need to do that makes you work well, happy, and stop worrying about what others think. ;D I am not there yet, but working towards it. I hope you can get there sooner than later, doing what is best for you and yours and keep living. I took a new job in Jan. and I have already decided if I don't like it, I'll find something else. WHO IS THIS CONTROL FREAK? It CAN be temporary, and I find something else to work. I don't feel locked in anymore to career, retirement, etc. Life is too short. I feel you. I always appreciate what you share. THANK YOU.

I had my sadiversary yesterday, 6 yrs. I didn't know what to do exactly. I began writing as my own therapy with notes on FB early on to let others in on my true thoughts of widowhood and always received supportive feedback. Well, I chose to write a memorial as I didn't at the funeral. I was in shock with death by an accident, and 3 days later having a funeral. It was strange, and I don't remember a lot about it, honestly. So, I wrote a memorial. Of course it isn't what I would have said 6 years ago, but something. I am healing, and I was able to share joyful memories and tell of who my dear husband was to me. I had teachers from HS respond as we went to the same school, friends and folks from every decade of our lives together. I feel good about it. I do feel JOY, less sorrow. I have been dating NG just short of 2 years. I gave him a heads up. He even liked my note. I told him I appreciated his grace and class in managing all of it. My late husband was a likable guy, friendly, loyal, funny, a youth minister volunteer, Marine, coach, etc., and many shared their thoughts of that. He loved me and shared with others that and many wrote about his vocalizations of devotion to me and our son. Couldn't be easy for him to read all the things people wrote. So, another monumental day has passed. My son and I drove to the town to lay flowers but the snow was still covering the ground. The Christmas wreaths were still on it from the laying of the wreaths as he was placed in a Veterans Cemetery. It was quite pretty, actually. I sent his mother yellow roses, her favorite as a way to let her know I care about her and the day, too. I feel very fortunate to have had a wonderful love story. Moving forward is happening, but I have a lot to be thankful for and am this year.

trying2breathe and arneal, Thanks for your feedback. I appreciate it. I wish it were black and white to make choices, but know life is full of grays. NG and I had that difficult conversation, I believe, Nye's day. He appears to have stepped up. He has only missed one work out with me, and that was the weekend he got his kids. He stayed all this weekend, BIG Football watching, and we were iced in, so that was nice. He went to church with me, which is big as he has a church home. He is with his kids today, as their weird schedule gave him MLK, not the whole weekend to make it a 3 day. CRAZY. I declined again his activities, caving in a national park. It is free today, all national parks. SIDE NOTE: But I made arrangements for my son to be with a friend, so there is that. His friend lost his dad the SAME yr. as my son, and they play the same instrument, enjoy the same video games, same activities, are 3 days apart in age, and his mom is a professor in early childhood education, so she and I can talk shop, as I am a kid therapist. She has been very welcoming to me and my son. Not sure how things are going to go. I vacillate between we are not "all in" so this relationship will not work, to "give it time, as there are many factors (people) to consider here, not just us two." I am feeling stronger about what I will and will not accept, and I know that is good for me and mine. Time will tell. Glad I am not alone in this journey. Saturday is my sadiversary. He has his kids this weekend, so it is good, really. My son and I may drive to the cemetery to lay flowers and see some friends possibly there, surround ourselves with those who KNOW us, knew us as our little family.

StillWidowed, Not that you are speaking TO me, but you spoke to me I moved out of this section as I am not "budding" at two years. But I hear what you are saying, and that is the conundrum. After only dating and marrying one guy ever, what is ok and not okay for me? But I married at 21 yrs. old, and I am approaching 50, with a teen son, losing both parents, new job, new home, new city, etc. So many changes, and NG has as much going on, too. Balance is key. I want the romantic notion of he will follow me to the ends of the earth to have me (which is what DH did), but reality is blending is tough. I hear you and appreciate your comments. Truly am searching for the new me and what I want in a new relationship. I want the courage to leave if needed, and I want the courage to stay if it is a worth while. Discernment......

Rethinking what I envision. I THINK I want the simple and familiar. But I am not really ready to jump to marriage at this point in my relationship with NG. GOOD THING, because it is complex with his custody battle in March. Not there. He sent me the meme: What is the difference between “I like you” [and] “I love you”? Beautifully answered by Buddha. Buddha’s answer was so simple. When you like a flower, you just pluck it. But when you love a flower, you water it daily. A bit super sweet, but at least he shows he listened about my concern about nurturing our relationship or it will die out. He appears to be trying harder to give time. Hasn't missed a work out unless he is picking up his kids for the weekend visit. His oldest is asking for more time, and he is having some rebellion with the mother. It is complex. I know comparing loss is not necessary or helpful. But I am putting this out there, good, bad or indifferent. I KNOW he wants more time with his kids, 50/50. And is genuinely in pain from lack of regular contact. And the best way I have learned to cope with my loss of DH is to focus on the positive of what I have had, gratefulness. So, I sometimes think but do not say, " Your kids have a great and involved living dad AND mom and 4 grandparents who love them, too. My kid is fatherless, and my DH was an only child, and my kid has one living grandparent in poor health. HIS kids are so fortunate. I DO not say this, but it is truth. I know, he can't understand from my point of view and I will never perhaps, get his pain either. But there are some facts there, and he is logical... So, by far not ready to move to marriage. Much to work through. We are committed to each other, love each other. But not that simple, either.

I appreciate your comments and sharing. I am just so messy with this relationship. It is going on 2 years. So, still budding? But we lived 1 1/2 hrs. apart until Aug. 2017. We spent so much time together over the NYE weekend and week, and then NG had his kids. Nothing. He invited us to a Monster Jam thing, but my son and I are not into it and it cost a lot. So declined. He still plans things for his boys and invites us. Not so much of let's talk about it ahead of time. I see why he did this, as they love it. I took my son to rock climb with his new friend here. And a family from our previous town came for a swim meet, and we had a late lunch together, so it was a good weekend for us. We joined a health club together, so work outs planned, 3 times a week, but I know he won't make it. He is now in custody battle mode. Reviewing his notes, hiring a private investigator to watch her schedule as she works a lot now due to a promotion, and he wants to know how much time she leaves the kids with her parents or others, versus letting him have them, which he could. 2 months of this. I am dealing with my new job. Exciting and scary. I am dealing with my mother's estate. And her and my taxes are now up and coming. And I rented my house this weekend after it hasn't sold. So much, too. Gosh, what to do about NG and me? WAit it out? Take what time I can get? Let him go to be with his boys and pursue what he believes is the best course for him and them? I never have "broken up" with anyone. I married my high school sweetheart. UGHHHH.... My kid is doing well, but 14 is a hard age. Trying to make sure he is good, too. I read some articles on dating a divorced man with kids, some with 50% custody. All the women state the same: you are always on the back burner, kids are first, and you fit in. UNTIL the man decides he wants you incorporated. Can you wait? Some women do, some have not. My NG talks long term, but our version of long term is not the same. A couple years or a decade? Wow....... Thanks for just having an ear. I know there are no easy answers.

Happy Jan. 2! Hope all is settling down! Virgo, I would understand you moving on. NYE and no contact with him. Sounds like there are more interesting guys out there. So, moving on. Jan. 20 is my sadiversary, so another 3 weeks and hopefully, I will be able to state I am through the trenches of the last of the lasts. NG and I have spent a lot of time together. His kids were with their mother. We have had some deep and difficult conversations. It has been tough. I don't know where we will land, but we are spending more time together as a couple yet have some real challenges for a real "couple" relationship. I laid out my feelings/thoughts, and it was scary! I heard what he had to say, too, and it was unpleasant. But we have it on the table. It is what it is. We are not looking at living under the same roof for a while, like a couple years. I respect he needs to be with his kids as much as possible, time, and I am unwilling to take him away as I know what limited time is, now. However, I also am not waiting for years, like his youngest turning 18, 10 years. I did tell him others have thought he was selfish with his time. He was defensive, but also saw me as "wishy washy" and I am. I logically understand his circumstances, but then I emotionally want it all, which I have told him. I told him my understanding is men will move mountains to get the women they want. He is moving mountains now for his sons. It is all boiled down to if I can wait, do I want to wait, or not. I told him I will let him go if it is too much turmoil as he doesn't need it, and I don't either. BIG kudos to you all that blend and figure it out. It is hard....

Ditto what was written by BH2. Never dreamed to be in the social section. Took years, and it is still odd. Thanks for that, BH2. I avoided it. Now I don't read the newest time frames. Too painful to go back there....

Awful! No good answers, either. My friend has been with her fiance for 15 years. When they started dating, his crazy ex slashed his tires. Fortunately, no one was hurt. Then she called my friend and told her she and her ex husband (my friend's fiance) were getting back together. My friend backed out, stating she was unaware and was not going to interfere, but it wasn't true. It has been years and the ex got better, but the kids are all adults now. My friend ignores it mostly. No more criminal behavior, though.

Well, NYE's eve eve... Arneal, So happy you had a good visit with your mom and finally got a pic you wanted to share. Sounds like it is coming together. Needytoo, Trying2breathe and Virgo. I don't have the exact situation but I feel it all. This new stuff is difficult. How do others just seem to seamlessly flow through it all? I guess with our losses, we overthink a lot. I am not ready to jump into all of it, like at the beginning of the fun dating euphoria. There is a lot to consider. IDK. I made it through what would have been my 27th anniversary. It was the least upsetting. IDK why. NG worked on pics yesterday. He files them, shares on FB the best ones, burns CDs for back up. Very organized. He posted 4 with us or me with the kids on FB. We are truly official. He knew the day. Timing? Many friends gave kudos. I don't think many remembered my anniversary but a few.....probably those in it. I did get up and deliver meals with NG. It was a nice thing to do. I did lots of volunteer work over the years, but stopped with having a young child and then LH's death. Trying to survive. It felt good to do for others. NG and I will work out this afternoon together. JOY and Health are my resolutions for the year. We are going to support each other in moving more Pre NYE party tonight. Oh, yesterday I did call him to eat a late lunch. I brought up a lot of stuff with my kid. I am dealing with a surely teen son who is not responding to NG's overtures. We discussed some things that were not pleasant, and I did bring up some things I thought were hypocritical with him with his boys. We got through it. WE are sorting through some of this before major integration. And he has 10 weeks to court battle. UGGHHH...... Again, Happy New Year 2018!