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Thanks for the "atta girl". My mother's service was just right. My brother, a LMFT, PHD, (he and I are the touchy, feely siblings of the 4 ) put together a powerpoint of her life with pics and then did a family history with genealogy, as that is something he likes. My cousins had never seen many of the pictures or heard stories as their family didn't talk about such things.. I knew A LOT, as I had my mother for 11 years near me, so I got to share some "intel" on the family. My mother had written down some things she wanted, so we followed through, old hymns sung, etc. We went to the family farm and spread some ashes yesterday, and my brother told of the farm, My youngest brother and I never lived there. It was just right. NG and I talked last night, He didn't need to come. It would have been very awkward for him to just be an observer of us all sharing history together. My brother that put together the service asked about if I thought of him coming and was reassuring that NG was better off with his sons on their retreat than at this type of family gathering. Plus, my history is with my LH, there. Pictures and memories shared with him. 28 yrs in my family was a long time, so turned out to be a good call. Those unanswered prayers.......

Yes, agree. Be prepared for it is just different and will take awhile for some to find their way. If you are able to really enjoy early on, HOW lucky you are. I didn't date for 4 1/2 yrs. My late husband and I were high school sweethearts and figured out everything together. My NG didn't marry until 30 and was an officer overseas. SUCH a different experience. I told him when I was ready I may cry. I had no idea. I have "trained" him for me. He may have been an incredible lover to others/his wife. BUT I am me. And he has appreciated my directness. I am in my 40s and not shy now to tell what works for me and what does not. Thankfully, he finds that sexy. No reflection on him, just learning and being mature now. I am still conservative as I had to feel for him and trust him. So, I was not following the "3 date" rule? He waited....😊

semperfi, Glad you found a special guy. You seem very close. I don’t understand the gym jealousy except the obvious. The pictures. I decided when ready to date I just couldn’t have all the couple pictures everywhere. I wouldn’t like that visiting a date’s home. I would wonder about the reality of the person being ready to move forward. I have a few family pictures up now, but no wedding or couple pictures. My son needs to see his father, but I am well aware of DH as we were together since high school. He is intertwined in who I am and part of why NG loves me. NG made a comment about sharing my bedroom to wake up to my LH pictures. Awkward. Not jealous, he told me. He isn’t competing with him but there is this feeling I haven’t moved forward. I had a guy friend tell me to stop wearing my LH T-shirt’s too, as a new man would not care for that either. I would not like my NG to do those things either. But talking to you would be appropriate, not turning pictures over. It was in the bathroom so maybe he felt weird being uncovered In The presence of the reminder of your former love? It is complicated sometimes. Good luck figuring it out. ps I do talk of my dh often. There was no “I” as an adult, only “we” so NG deals plenty with my DH. And does well mostly.

Arneal - Congrats on the 2 yr mark! And under the same roof now! Who knew? 😊😉 Trying2Breathe - glad it is working so well with the "kids" home. Thanks for the insight from your session. That balance of moving forward and taking the risk. You are testing the waters! Great! NG has been out of work 2 weeks but interviewed for a job last week and was offered it. He is taking it. It is a little less money and a commute of 30 minutes versus the 10 minutes he had. Benefits are less, and he has to work longer to access them, but he has a job and will not miss a paycheck. He went from a Canadian owned company to Japanese, and there are just differences. I am very proud he got on it, and timing worked out. He spent more time with me and my son, as he admits he prefers us to being alone at his home. His house is a nice for a family but lonely I am sure by himself. I have appreciated his company. Memorial Day weekend. We are having the memorial service for my mother. She died in Nov. I thought this was a great idea, but now, it seems to have drug it out. Now I know why it often is the case to have the service soon. I am antsy, touchy and annoyed easily. It will be fine, but the anticipation. I have her remains. I will see my 3 brothers and only one has been helpful in all this for the past few years she needed much more oversight. He was not present but assisted from a far. NG and I met for lunch. He is taking his boys on an all guy camping trip through his church. So fun weekend planned. I brought up about him not going with me, that I wanted him to offer and he didn't. He stated he had, and I declined. I probably did as I knew it was his kids' weekend, and it would be so difficult to change all of it out with his inflexible ex. So, I have to let go of that. It will be a reunion of sorts with cousins, and he would not have been too excited. I guess My problem is feeling so alone about dealing with stuff. No one to have to put my head on their shoulder through these hard times. I hope not to have a next time soon, but if I do, I think I will let him make arrangements to go with me. What is the point of having a significant other if they can't support you through tough times? Anyway... My mixture of feelings. I will get through. My track record is 100% . Enjoy the weekend.😎

The list?! Had to laugh. Before widowed, Steve Harvey was touring after writing a book about dating. He addressed the “list”, and it was funny but also for real. I had an idea of what I wanted. Another widowed man would be great. Or... Little older maybe, children likely grown then as I was a later parent due to infertility issues (LH’s cancer came out). If divorced, kids are grown at least or close to being grown and independent. I met ng online, faith based which was a necessity for me. And he is younger, with younger children as he started late in life, also. And divorce drama. He still teases me about my ideals. Yup....

Glad you are well with the storm. Hate them. Miss my basement solely for that. Your ng is a good helper.

I so understand. I never knew differently! So spoiled? It was what it was. My LH was a mechanic on aircraft, A& P. He fixed anything and if he couldn’t, had an army ( he was at the 160th special ops, the Blackhawk down crew) he could ask for help. He and 6 guys put in our kitchen flooring, foyer, in two nights! I always felt safe with him. Ng is brilliant and a retired Lt. Colonel but not a tiny bit mechanically inclined. He is amazing in his own right, but dang to have a man to help shovel, plant, mow, fix the car, electricity, you name it. Miss for my son so much. His dad was a masculine Marine AND a big teddy bear. Ng is just as masculine but in a macho way, not so diverse. He has made a comment about me not being a damsel in distress. LH would have gladly come to my aid. miss my sons dad at all events. It is hard. 25th. Oh, a tough one. I understand. Lucky to have found a new love for sure but doesn’t erase the past.

I am sorry, LF. It is harder on some days than others. No one expected to not be partnered up, as growing old together was the plan. I understand some of your thoughts and feelings expressed. Just tough. Loss, grieving, is exhausting.

CW- loved your plans with your son. And a spa day! I am long overdue for one of those. Yes, surreal. How life can be on a track and derail and then have a complete change in destination, it boggles my mind. And to be in love with a new person but still have this tie to the old life. Love the LH but not be in love as it isn’t a live relationship any more, and, therefore, cannot grow or be sustainable. Yup Bunny. Tears flow at times unpredictably. It is our widow lives. 6 yrs and going.

Oh no Sudnylsngl! So sorry! Gosh, what a mess! I hope it comes around somehow for you! Too much!! You need a break!

Happened to wake up just in time to turn on the royal wedding when they were getting ready to say their vows. I do not understand why it was easy as a young woman to make those pledges/vows except lack of experience, and the world was our oyster. But some things just are, and they don't change despite the grays in life. I still believe in love to death do us part as I lived it, and I still want it. The pain is a risk, but so is the joy of it all, too. So......... life continues.

I SOLD the HOUSE! What an emotional roller coaster! Last week was my first mother's day without my mother. I sold my house this weekend and next weekend is the Memorial service for my mother. I was away at a training and had to have a POA for the signing at closing. I think that was good. One less trip to my home area of 23 yrs. I had a cry driving home from my training and now feel relief. This life, I tell ya.

My NG has really been a sweet and motivated man this past week. I am doing a lot to support him in his unemployment, cheerleader. He applied for jobs the next day, updated resumes, reached out to contacts and made lists daily to keep busy and forward planning. I am so proud of him. He sent me flowers for mother's day, before he was laid off. He did not need to do that. And then he still took me out for mother's day, my first since my mother died in Nov. WE did a very girly thing that reminded me of my mother and my son was with us, too. I greatly appreciated his effort. I have been away two days for training, and he has stayed with my son, which allowed me to go and feel safe about it, too. I think this is just another trial for us, and we will be okay. He was extravagant for his first and only wife. I don't need or want all that as it truly isn't me. But I want a partner, best friend, companion, someone I feel has my back and is dependable. I got through several awful life things knowing I had my husband to support me. So, I guess it matters what kind of relationship you want based on all kinds of things. I am trying to show I have his back, and I hope he knows it. And, that he will feel secure with me, then also. He did tell me he thinks he has opened up to me more. So there is that.

Trying2breathe, I relate to your post. Let me know what you figure out! I love NG, too, and we are so good together, but I had a great long relationship. My husband truly adored me, and I didn't deserve it! I didn't realize it, on some level. My NG tells me I am spoiled. Ummm, am I? Or I hit the lottery the first time? My LH wanted me, pursued me and I knew it. My NG has so many other things to manage, I just don't feel he has that intensity or is gun shy and rationalizes it as "realistic and cautious" based on his experiences and childhood. So how long to wait? Can't wait yrs. Sometimes I think he loves me but not like a man who loves a woman to pledge his all to, if that makes sense? He talks long term. We have plans for 2019 already. Let me know. Widow related angst or something else? PS. It is so sweet you daughter remembered. My teen does not as we were married 13 yrs. prior to his arrival. 25 was a hard one for me and now I have friends passing it by. I would have had my 28th this Dec.

I wrote notes for a while on FB for therapeutic value and education to others of my grief journey. I am sure I got eye rolls but many responded to me positively. I never committed to do a blog, and I am passed it now, 6 yrs. out. Well, I took this quote from Navywife here and shared it. Hope it is meaningful . So many folks here articulate things so well.....

Ps maybe you have but check the law in your state. It was 2001 when my dad entered a nursing home and was there 5 yrs. My mother hated going through court to verify and show her care taking of my father, itemized spending, 50-50 split of assets. It was for his protection. They would not touch her car, house, contents of the home. But their joint finances and other property were considered 50/50. Half could have gone away. But then she lived 12 more yrs. That took a hit on her. It is sad. Save and save and gone.

I think because you asked, you are concerned about what others think. There are extreme responses here from it is your business to you are being deceitful. You have to decide what you can live with. There are always going to be those that support you and what you decide and then folks who will not. That was the gist of my pastor friend's statements to me about marrying but not filing at the court house. ' I would have been highly conservative about this years ago. But my life changed and knowing life is full of grays and life is not fair, certainly, no matter how well you try to play the game, taught me to be more open and tolerant in ways I never dreamed I would be. Anyway, point still. You have to live with the choices, and you appear to be struggling with the mores of our culture and the systems we deal with, and on and on. I wish you the best in making a decision that works for you and your beloved. Ultimately, YOU have to live with it. 😃

Life throws curve balls. We know it. My NG got laid off yesterday. He had a job that was a 3 hour commute, and he liked it but it was not conducive to get his kids more. Last April he got a new job, 😊10 minutes from home and his kids' school (which is around the corner from his house). The new law passed in the state for 50/50 presumptive shared parenting unless otherwise proven a different need for the children. He was making more money than his other job and recouping the commute costs, also. Custody hearing in Aug. All was in favor and then this. He was at an automobile manufacturing parts place. Several were laid off. He was a buyer, MBA. He just got a bonus 2 weeks ago, but the owners in Canada had a big meeting last week. I feel so terrible for him. His life has been a heartache for the 6 years since my heart broke. His is different but the hits just seem to keep coming. I know it will work out but not sure how. It is not death, but I know for some men, it can feel like it. Not sure how this will impact us, our summer plans, his kids. Life, unpredictable.

SamNE, I had written about this at another time. I was actually told by a poster it would be insane to not marry legally 🙄 I had consulted my pastor when hearing about elderly who wanted to marry but would lose all their former spouse's pension benefits and insurance, which would have been the case for my mother. I asked my pastor if she would marry a couple like that, and she never really responded. Gay couples did this for years prior to marriage being legal. That is a whole other issue but they know. My issue is my son has his father's veteran's benefits which I would lose some of them if I remarry. My husband's service and my son's benefits should not go away if I remarry. But our laws. Also, our laws are so inconsistent. Did you know a first wife, divorced maybe 30 yrs. gets the divorced husband's SS if it is more than hers at retirement age? WHAT? WHY? So there are inconsistencies. My guy asked his pastor to marry us but not legally. We have a divorced situation, and his wife is vindictive, and I cannot risk my son's inheritance and nest egg to a greedy ex. The laws of my state say it should not factor in, but judges can make all kinds of decisions outside of the prescribed law. I have seen it. I have worked years with criminal cases for sexual abuse with children, and judges have not followed the law when convicting sexual offenders, so I know things can "bend.". So, I have an ordained Baptist pastor friend. He was very close to my late husband for years. He would marry me and NG if we wanted without the legal binding. But he has warned me of the consequences, also. There is that. He would do it as one of his sisters came out gay. He had a deep philosophy/theology change regarding his beliefs with much research and study of the bible. A tangent, but why he is different than other pastors. He knows he would never be asked to lead a church. So, when NG and I are ready, there is that possibility. My mother ended up in a care facility. She went through $75,000 in 8 months. She had good nest egg. She didn't out live it at 88 yrs. old but she could have. So, the reality is there as you stated. Most states have where you cannot take half of the spouses income if one goes to care. That is what happened with my father. He went in an nursing home, 5 years. My mother had to go to court yearly and show where things went, but they only took half of the income. She had the house, car, and anything in the home, and only half the assets could go to the nursing home. That should be standard law now.

The song I like to send to friends with breakups overdue. 👍😉😊

Thanks Arneal. I think we are fine. Just reality. It is over 2 years. Now is the time to see how we deal with each other. He is a very fair and calm man, logical. He actually balances me as I am the emotional one of the relationship. Not over the top. But I over analyze things and literally can make my blood pressure rise! 😉

OH, I understand, Hikermom. I literally was at my house yesterday, picking up some last things. I dug up some of my grandmother's dwarf irises, the columbine the hummingbirds love, and took the cat statue from under the my late husband's willow tree as I buried her there. I have a lovely magnolia that started blooming finally, the red maple, the hostas are beautiful, the salvia, the blooming crab apple tree, my hydrangeas coming back, and more. The St. Christopher's statue my LH knocked the head off when he shagged a golf ball. The house should close on the 18th. I haven't lived there since Aug. It is a burden, as I walked looking at all the overgrown flower beds, too much and too big. But the only place my son lived. His playground and fort in the back yard. My neighbors are still there and mow for me again until sold, still. I moved last year, new school for my teen, my mother in a facility we did not have in our town, and my NG I date all in the same larger city. It was huge to do. I still have days. My son is thriving in his much better school district, and I have a great church and am branching out professionally. Friendships are slower to grow. I needed to move. I needed to not be stuck, and my health was suffering. I just wrote about a hike I took in the national forest here, and my blood pressure is normal today! Most days I am thrilled and feel so strong, and I am so proud of my teen. I, too, expected him to graduate from the old home. He still misses friends, but everything else is better. It is another loss. Another goodbye and letting dreams pass. Some days, still hard. Getting better. Good luck. I understand. 6 yrs. out. It is better for me and my son.

Spent a lot of time with NG this weekend. Been working out since New Years and keeping it up. Slow results but I feel better, and I sleep well. NG and joined a club together. Watched the Derby, went out for Mexican food for cinco de mayo, saw the new marvel movie as my teen was with us, and I found derby pie for later. Sunday we went hiking. My fitness goals were not compatible so changing up my routine. Blood pressure is great, so seeing progress. Ng and and I bickered a lot Sunday. Enough I was ready for him to go home Sunday night and he did, as planned. The "honeymoon" or euphoric phase is over. Took us longer than the average 6-18 months. I told him we were there, the part in the relationship where all is coming out, good, bad and ugly. Interesting.

Great job! Can we modify our posts like we did on the other site? Not seeing that option.

I understand what you are saying. I have a teen to get independent, so I have a ways to go. I have taken the idea of that if you get to live past 70, then it is all gravy, because a majority do not. So, I am not so distraught of hearing someone died at 80 something or even 75 or up. Probably come across a bit uncaring, but I am just so aware of death too soon, including friends that have lost small children, that 75 + is amazing to live to.