tybec

Trying2Breathe, OH, it is strange, isn't? I think you know your family best, and of course, yourself, so do what you think is best for you. I am surprised your mother wants you to never remarry. My mother let her sitter/companion know she was glad for me to date, and then told me herself. She didn't want me to be alone unless I wanted to be solo. She wanted me to have someone to do life with, especially since she knew her days were short as she died at 88 yrs. old in Nov. You said you are not ready, so wait. But talk to BF about it all. Maybe he will tell you he can handle it and will support you. But can you handle it? My MIL was very much wanting to be involved with my NG. She hugged him the first time they met, stating she is a hugger. She invited him to the family Christmas. I know she didn't want to lose her grandson to time with others, so she wanted to include him. But NG thought it strange, as he has his own two sides of the family to juggle, then mine. He was not wanting to become an "in law" to my late husband's family. I had to respect that. My son also said it was too weird. Anyway. Good luck with what you decide.

THanks FW. I have to take responsibility as I cannot blame him totally. I did kind of test our relationship. Would he just assume he was going with me because we have been in a relationship over 2 years? There is that word. Assume. He would have checked his schedule, and he has his kids. I am not sure he would have jockeyed it around because of the custody hearing. He surely can't have his ex use it against him that he changed weekends for his GF's needs. Yes, it is that bad with his ex in court. She brings up stuff like he has cussed. He doesn't have them brush their teeth twice a day. This is family court, and I just want to scream about it. I work with foster kids that go through the same court, so I know real abuse and needs. I just got a new kid that has been in 8 homes in 6 yrs. If I were the judge, I would want to shame them for wasting the court's time. But that is another issue, and tangent. I wanted him to offer at the least, and he did not. He would probably say I didn't ask, so he didn't go there, either. So, there it is folks.

NG has met all 3 brothers and my mom before she passed several times. I spent the 4th last yr with his dad and extended family, a huge expensive trip thing his dad does yearly. Been there since then. His mom is here often for childcare and holidays so spend time with her. Went to Texas, and he did to at thanksgiving but our family time was separate. That disappointed me. So I guess we have done a lot there but it is the mercy of the schedule. Until he gets maybe 50/50 he won’t bring his kids to my family things. The law has passed, so much better chance. Ok. My mother’s memorial service is planned memorial weekend. Planned in Feb. I didn’t ask him to go. I want him to want to go. He said nothing, and I started preparing in April, and I brought it up. He has his boys and planned a family camp night with his church. So, no option. I am mixed about him going and again, back to accepting not a priority. I have one mother. (Sigh)

Thanks for the well thought commentaries. Bunny, you wrote what I couldn't articulate well. The word hierarchy was interpreted differently than I understood, also. "I finally got around to reading the article and I pretty much agree with the author. In simplest terms, in a good marriage, you know your spouse has your back and you have theirs (even when you are royally pissed at each other). When this is true, when both people in the relationship feel a total commitment, then everything else can be handled, together. It doesn’t mean prioritizing a planned romantic dinner when your child suddenly gets the flu, but of being mindful and cherishing your spouse every day in small ways. It’s a gift, not a disservice, to children to show them how love and commitment work in a functioning marriage. Of course, in blended families this is more difficult to navigate, but I do still agree that the marriage has to be your priority or it is doomed to fail; when the partnership is primary then all problems can be solvable because you’re willing to communicate and compromise and make choices together for the greater good." There is ia reason research states marriage satisfaction is at a low with having very young children. The responsibilities and therefore time are to care for them as they require it. I am thankful to have had a grandma that lived close to give me and LH adult time, although limited but so needed.☺️

Again, nice thoughts/comments. The author's statement. This made sense to me. I know you can say you have to choose to love your children, family, too, but there is a tie there when many can end a marriage/relationship. And I like how you put it CW. But you have to have that trust, love and bond with your partner to fall back onto so to take care of other's needs, not at the expense of the partnership, which I think is the whole context of the article. I had times when I needed to be reminded. And blending other's lives, yes, a whole new experience.

Interesting to read views. Portside, Yes, this man is from a different generation from me. Video games would never be a issue in my marriage, but apparently come up quite a bit for younger couples. I appreciate your comments of hope as I know it is possible. I was married 13 yrs. before we had a child. We were best friends. We still had to learn to prioritize us versus us working on our careers, hobbies (golf was one of my LH's which was an all day or all weekend affair), volunteer time, etc. Once we had a child, we were so thrilled we did focus all on him. But it did get to a point where my husband came to me and told me I was his wife, and he needed me to be that, not just a co parent/mother. My father had Alzheimers diagnosed when I was 29. My husband was able to support me in helping my mother with my father, and during this time, my husband had cancer and then we eventually had a child. I look back and know we made it through because we had our strong marital bond. We could take care of others knowing the security and trust in our relationship. It was hard, but we did it. And our child's needs were always met. The article clearly says DON"T get married if you are not ready to put that person first. I see why he says that, and living together is the same thing, I believe. So, we are not there yet to make that commitment, but I won't stay waiting forever either. NG is from a divorced family and admits he resents his mother when she remarried, feeling put to the side. He also resents his father who is and was an philander, so he does not know how to be a couple first and care for the children's needs as well. I have the opposite experience of parents married 56 yrs. and always there, but also being a couple. Exactly, Klim. And you are in no way ready to commit to marriage at this point, so no conflict for you anyway.

I found this. I have been struggling with this. The death of my husband threw the hierarchy off. And dating a divorced man with kids makes it more complicated. I have my kid to high school next year. I have focused on him and care taking of my mother until 2 years ago in the 6 years yrs since my husband died. I believe this. I believe it because of my faith but this author doesn't address that. I had this from my parents. My brother who will be married 41 yrs. in May has demonstrated this (he is 14 yrs. older than me). My brother that doesn't do this has had horrible marital issues. My eldest brother had a horrible marriage, blended family and a 2nd marriage that just lasted 8 months. So, for me, it bleeds truth. Maybe touchy subject, but I see the problems when things are not in order well. I didn't ask for the order to be messed up yet here I am. Anyway. I will read varying views, I am sure. https://thoughtcatalog.com/matthew-fray/2017/07/the-uncomfortable-truth-on-if-you-should-love-your-spouse-your-parents-or-your-children-most/

Gearing up for dynamics to change, also. Summer schedule, 50/50 so one week on and one week off. His mother will fly in and take care of the kids during the week as he works. This will be the third summer. He has spent lots of time at my home, which is comfortable and I cook and we eat, etc. His home is all him and his boys, decorated as a man cave and uncomfortable for me. He leaves things as is when the kids leave so they return to their home as it was. So messy, toys in 4 different rooms, their rooms. He has made it a home well for them, but not me and mine. I would never live there. With Momma coming in, past summers, he does not need me. He has an adult to talk to, his kids nightly, and me living 1 1/2 hours away was not a problem. I live here now. Is he going to dump me each week? He says he feels the need to talk to his mother, give her undivided attention, as she is cooking, cleaning, watching the kids, but I am out in the cold? We will see how it transpires. This is the make it or break it summer, I feel. Oh, and the new law was passed Thursday here for 50/50 shared parenting, so in this state he will be pursuing 50/50 in Aug. at the next court date. He wants it, his goal to moving here from out of state. I don't know how it will go for us. I am not sure about blending all that. His kids are younger, and I have been through that. My son starts high school next year. No toys everywhere, loudness, etc. I don't know what I am doing, by the way. Waiting to see. I wouldn't want to be together unless engaged/married, I have decided. He made another comment about needing to raise his boys as they need him, but once they are gone..... I told him I am not waiting 10 yrs. His youngest just turns 8 this summer. I love him and our time together, but waiting to see.

I am out of the lease. I consulted my attorney/friend, and the lease is clear. You get out of the 12 month lease with a new renter taking over or the sale of the house would be the same though not stated in the lease agreement. My attorney/friend stated it was clear to get out she would lose her deposit, and she is still responsible for taking care of the property, utilities, etc., for the 12 months lease. I sent a request to have her pay for the utilities/yard upkeep until the house sells, and then I return her (generously) the whole deposit. I didn't ask for May rent, as the lease states is still necessary. If the house sale fell through, she is still legally bound for the 12 months. It states it clearly. Her response was that was crazy and if she had to pay for MY HOUSE, she would allow her 22 yr old son to live there, and she would be by with the rent May 1st. His name is on the lease, and he is an adult. She wants out with nothing, no penalty, no responsibility. I slept on it, talked to a friend that used to be good friends with her, too. She is crazy, they told me and my loss of the money is not worth my loss of peace. They said she would be vindictive enough to have me lose the sale. Going to court over the few thousands of dollars is not worth my peace and what could happen to my home with her son living there. I am so angry. I am a fair person. I have helped this lady and family out in the past, like 12 yrs. ago when she lost her home to flooding. I took a risk to rent to her but she had the money. UGHGHHG!! My widow friend told me the bible is clear on injustices to widows and the fatherless, God's contempt. I'll take the peace, as my friends' advised and let her live her consequences. Here or beyond. Just praying the house sale goes through now......

The lease is for one yr with first and last month down. The only way to not be bound to it is to have another renter. The renter found onehrr friend, but the applicant wasn’t good, so denied. She got mad then and harassed my realtor/manager. My realtor then said let us sell it. It is spring. And then the renter can be out of the lease. Verbal agreement. The renter has been a pain, texting and calling and being problematic about showing it. My manager/realtor said she hated to commicate as it was terrible. My stance was too bad. Throwing the renter a bone. She lets the house be shown and sell and it is win:win. Realtor is concerned the renter may cause problems with sale and move in as she is vindictive and there is no written legal statement about this, putting it back on the market and letting it be shown. She thinks the renter would go as far as holding up the sale and then not pay rent even if it meant to go to court. She doesn’t care. In fairness I told the realtor we would prorate her rent to day of closing. Realtor still does not think she’ll do it. I am consulting a lawyer/friend tomorrow. My house is in a small town. It is great for lots of things but business this go around, no.

Thanks all. I took an offer I could live with. The house was put on the market last May, and then I took it off and rented it in Jan. It is just hard to not get closer to the value of a couple homes right in my cul de sac area. But timing is fact. And the closing costs. My realtor stated the norm in the area is to pay the closing costs since we have a huge army post with VA loans. It is not the norm, but I don't want to lose a sale like I did last summer. It is such a game and risk. Nothing I can change. The renter. Not friends. I knew her from way back. She has made lots of poor decisions, but again, she had the pay stubs and paid first and last rent. I mean, who separates, and then in 3 months, buys a new house with their separated husband? I WANT her to follow the law, be responsible and pay until the sale is through. My realtor is fearful she could hold up the sale just to be vindictive. She must know something I don't know as she has said to cut my losses. I am annoyed. The renter knows my story, and my late husband helped her and her family move twice when desperate. Her husband had heart failure and she left him for this NG. Her ex husband died a couple years ago, I heard. Anyway..... I am getting a lesson in people not being responsible and having to deal with some unfairness despite folks knowing me and my son and late husband. I guess I have just been fortunate for so long with support. My turn...

Ugggh...... My house fell through the sale last summer. I let it set empty for 5 months, in the winter, no one looking. Lowered the price 12,000. Got a renter in it Jan. Didn't plan on it, but it helped me out a lot. She knew me from way back and separated from her husband and wanted it and moved in the day I posted it through my realtor managing it. She reconciled last month, bought a new house last week with husband and wants out of the 12 month lease. She tried to say I was very supportive of her getting back with him and why would I not let her out? She was a risk due to past bankruptcy but she had the pay stubs and paid first and last months rent. She moved out last week! She is harassing my realtor daily as we decided to put it back on the market as it is spring. She is annoyed, stating she is helping me sell and she doesn't get anything. My realtor asked me about letting her out of the lease because of the messages she deals with. Everyone I talk to says, too bad. It is her job and the lease is a binding legal contract. Well, now I have a bid on the house. LOW bid and they want me to pay the closing costs. My realtor says that is common. I paid all those costs on my new home! They are already low in the bid. I dropped the price so much. So, psychologically, as money is about that. Take the low bid and pay closing just to be out of it all? Stand my ground and maybe it does not sell again? It is a year May that I put it on the market. The other's wanted it last summer, all went through but they couldn't sell their house and decided against the bridge loan they were approved for then. My NG listens and talks well about it as he is a finance guy but ultimately, it is MY big decision. Gosh, I miss having my husband to run this by and support me in the decision.

Yes, I have. Wrote a post on Feb.19 about the same thing here. Titled it the "Goodbye dream" Unsettling is right. The triggers? Wish I knew.

Hey all, No drama! Woo hoo! NG is staying at my place tonight as I have to be out of town and am leaving early. He is hanging with my son, then. This is a big deal. I don't ask for his help often, as many times, it is conflict with his boys' schedule. So, he has his boys for the 2 hr. dinner he is allotted. He will come over afterwards. He also put the down payment for our mutual vacation in July. I am committed, therefore. He has Metallica tickets for us in JAN. 2019. Not my thing, but I'll support him. He has been coming over or meeting me out to walk after work or work out regularly if he does not have his children. He is trying, and I do feel so much better about us. Yes, I still have my over thinking. He is learning how I operate. Interesting, his kids were standoffish after they spent a week with their mother for spring break. NG went 2 weeks without having them at his home because of their schedule, then, except for soccer or play practice. He ate with them at school one day to connect. They were warmed back up to him this weekend. That is really sad for me to hear. The oldest has anxiety and is throwing up the first night of the time with their dad. ugggghhhh........ The 50/50 shared parenting bill is on the governor's desk, so hopeful for the state. This just means when separation and divorce occurs, there is a presumption of 50/50 shared parenting unless otherwise shown needing differently. Right now, it is the opposite, one parent can take the kids and go and have no contact and get the minimal visitation schedule which is what she did when moving to this state. It was 50/50 in the other state they resided. Interestingly, the older son told his dad his dad could afford to do cool stuff all the time with them as the dad only has them for a short amount of time. Hmmmmm..... The boy also asked me how I made a living, paid for stuff. He is hearing things, I am afraid. Again, I stay out of the mom's space. Two times crossed paths in 2 years. My life currently......

I am a 3rd generation widow. My grandmother and aunt both widowed before 50. Neither remarried. Both traveled extensively, my grandmother went to work as she never had prior. My aunt was a college professor and wrote books and enjoyed grandchildren. She was German descent and would go back and see family often. I thought that would be me. It wasn't. But I know if I do decide to be on my own, I can do it and enjoy life fully like them. I decided to date again. Not sure why I switched, but I did. I think learning to live fully is our challenge, whatever direction we go. Perhaps the loss of our mate opens that door to do so?

Klim, I think like you stated, you just have to find how you all express yourselves and go from there. Learning the new "love languages" of each. My LH was a singer, serenaded me, others, all the time. You heard him before you saw him. He could listen to Metallica, Elvis, Indigo Girls, Adele, Jim Croce, Johnny Cash, Bruno Mars, Train, Patsy Cline etc. His range of music genres was extensive. I love music and it speaks to me, and songs make me smile or weep. So much history in 28 years, so music triggers it all. He also was demonstrative, and I was not. My mother actually stated how good it was to have my LH in our family as we were quite stiff in that department. NG - he sings and knows music, too. But he does not use it to connect like my LH. We were out at a club and these old 70s love songs were playing by a band, and he was singing, but not TO me. LH would have grabbed me, danced and sung every last word. I have had to learn NG is so different in how he demonstrates his love. Now, NG will sing like a bird with a little bourbon in him. He will say these deep wonderful things of love to me, the kind of things every woman wants to hear. I have teased him, asked if he remembered what he said, and he always does. It is cute, but makes me wonder, too. Does he mean it? Are his inhibitions just down? Or is it the alcohol talking? He does not have a drinking problem. I am in mental health and watch stuff way too closely, poor man... Sorry about the sadiversary. 5 years is a big marker for many reasons.

Thanks for the comments. I started taking down all the pics when I decided to date. I have been widowed 6 plus yrs. my New Guy still was uncomfortable with some pics. I had to respect that. I don’t want to go to his house and see his ex or former girlfriend all over the place either. I have some select pics of our family for our son. But wedding pics, military balls, etc. no. I understand my MIL. It is her child. Off topic but my brother widowed 5 yrs ago. Didn’t change anything really. Remarried 2016 and she left in 8 months. He hadn’t moved a thing out of the bedroom of “their” home. New wife packed up all his lw ‘s things after three months. I still can’t believe he thought that was ok to do having remarried. Anyway. Everyone on their own path.

Virgo, NG and I are over 2 yrs. but I just moved to his town 8 months ago. 3 kids between us so moving slow for all that but commitment is there. NG got a new job a yr ago so 2 weeks vacation only. It will be used for his children he only sees 4 days a month and every other week in the summer. A trip to Europe for us where he lived 13 plus yrs is nice to hear but not realistic for years. He has never taken time off for me yet. Dealing with custody of his kids. We are planning a vacation this summer with me and my son in separate quarters. Can’t have us together due to custody fight. That’s the facts. Anyway...

Woo HOO! Sounds like some good things going on. It was spring break and NG's kids were with their mother. So, he has spent a ton of time with me and my son. My son is starting to respond to him more positively, too. My birthday was over the weekend, and we got away! Dinner out, concert, overnight in a large college town. I am understanding more and more who he is. 2 years, right? So, we are really getting to know the deep us. I really love him. I know he loves me, also. We fit, as we truly get each other. So strange to have that again, but in a different way. I am scared. Back to his real life, with his kids, the schedules, the time limited. It is hard. We are doing my mom's memorial service Memorial Day weekend. He has his kids, and he has a camping trip already planned, so never planned to go with me. He lived 15 years overseas and is well traveled and says such wonderful things of us going to exciting places together. It is not possible FOR YEARS AND Years. Okay, overthinking..... how to just enjoy NOW? He is a good man. I am fortunate to have found him. (sigh)

Yup. Got a new phone as I had to do so. I had my late husband's phone as it survived the car wreck. Yeah...... They could not keep his voice mail. It was erased with a new phone. My phone also lost all the phone voice mails when I turned it off. My ring tone for my LH was my then 4 yr old saying, "Daddy's calling, Mommy." over and over. I tried to record them as folks here said you could. I have videos, and I hear my LH's voice. He had a distinct gravelly tone and was a classic rock DJ for a time and when shared on FB, so many people commented on how they recognized it and could hear it in their head with smiles and tears. I have a wonderful video of my LH teaching my son to ride his bike. I am not home, and he talks throughout the whole thing, encouraging our son. It is a priceless video. I have a video of him telling me and my son good night when he was at a youth retreat. Emails and FB private messages. I understand.

Oh, DEAR, SB! Unless your NG has a strong backbone to set appropriate boundaries with his mother, or the mother steps up and recognizes that her adult child would benefit from having a mate into his golden years, hopefully living way past her demise, it is not a great looking situation. At this point, any time taken from her is going to put you into a "taker" from her, not an addition to the family that would be highly beneficial to her son. My MIL was moving in like this. She moved to our town when her mate of 7 yrs. passed. My late husband was her only son, and she definitely felt his role was to take care of her. My LH set boundaries with her, did what he needed, but on his time as he had a wife and young child to care for. After his death, she started saying things to our son to set him up as her care taker as he got old enough. I cut that apron string. My parents were the opposite. Get training, education, and go and do. I did take care of my mother for years, as she moved to ME but she was independent and we used hired staff and then a facility for her needs. She had taken care of my father with alzheimers for years until she could not. She did not wish that for us, and especially, her young widowed daughter and grandson. I am thankful for all she did and allowed. It could have been very different. My bestie talked to me yesterday. Her mother became ill, hospitalized in Jan. She lives 2 hours away and in a home that is not appropriate for her safety. And my best friend and her brother are carrying the load since JAN! Her mother refuses to move, and her brother flies in every other weekend because he can. It is crazy. My selfless friend is stressed, working, taking family leave, and her marriage and family life is now suffering. She is happy to care for her lovely mother, but her life is in a disarray as her mother won't budge. I feel for her but when it is okay for elderly parents to dictate what they want and have everyone else cater, set up for losing jobs, relationships because of their needs/wants? I may get some negative feedback from this, but I have been there, done that and am thankful for my parents' willingness to not ask their adult children to sacrifice everything. I took good care of my mother up until the end, and her needs and mine were met albeit with help from others.

Trying, I read your post, and it makes so much sense as it is hard. LH was in my family for 28 yrs. My mother chose to give my father's military flag to him at my father's funeral as LH served also. And my nieces knew no life without him. My nephews were young when we married. WE all grew up together. He was my son's and mine greatest lost, but my family lost a member. He was an only child. His mother moved to our town, so she participated in every family gathering with my siblings and others attending. Move forward. NG just will never have that. I will always be a little bit of an outsider, I think. He comes from a divorced family and has two half brothers from different mother's, so he is in a sense, used to the many different connections, other divorces as his dad is divorced twice. We have such a different experience. Yet, NG is loyal to his half brothers though he didn't grow up with them as he lived with his mother and sister. Blending.......I pray that my heart is opened to new relationships and learning to love others as it is the only way I think it will work. I lived such a easy, nuclear family setting, an anomaly now. I want an open heart to love others as my own. You seem to be managing very well, but you are right. Many different families and sort of an outsider looking in. I hope it changes over time for you, too. Please keep posting. I am following, learning.

I went to see my MIL Good Friday 3 hours away. She moved after I moved from the town I had resided in for 22 yrs. She is in a senior citizen apartment, and it is better than her garden home she had. Lots of family are within minutes, so she has all kinds of support. I felt the need to go. But it is like stepping back in time. This is the place I grew up in, and then met DH when 14. MIL has a shrine to DH in her home. The bedroom I slept in is my son's room. It has his toys, stuffed animals on the bed, wedding pictures of me and DH, all of my son's pictures she has growing up. She is comfortable to see, and I have that connection of 32 yrs. But it plays with my mind. I drove through my hometown 20 miles away. My home I lived in until married. It is a strange feeling. Somewhat comforting, but also upsetting at the same time. A life that is over. My parents are both gone, my husband. It is not quaint anymore. The town is like many, sad, dying out, poorly kept. My son can't imagine ever living there. 14 miles to get anywhere through the country. I just can't put my finger on it, my mood about it. So many good memories growing up there, but also it is depressing, too. Just thinking out loud......

Needytoo, CONGRATS! Glad last night went well! Be proud, very proud! Your situation has some similarities to mine. Committed to NG but dealing with the time factors as he has kids and sacred time with them. Your situation is my fear. Important things to me, and he can't come because of his schedule. Will be placed on the back burner over and over. I have talked to NG about this. He said he would make arrangements for special events but that requires time and planning. So, he feels I worry about something that doesn't need to be an issue. BUT, actions so far state otherwise. I understand the pull of loving someone who has his time limited. It is complicated. Not sure I stated anything helpful but that I feel your situation.

Easter plans and birthday plans. Driving to see MIL tonight. Something just leads me to go visit. She is in poor health, and it is what it is. Family time on Sat. with brother and family and then Easter Sunday with NG and his kids. Birthday - NG got tickets to a concert. It is our thing to do. Overnight - first one since JULY! It is definitely different living in new town and not having folks for my son to stay with yet so I can have an adult get a way. But it is happening. I still have to figure out a plan for my son which could be taking him to visit a friend in the previous hometown as it is spring break. It will be a hassle, but until I trust folks here, that is it. NG has stepped up. Since I took a short break last week, something changed. I needed to process my grief and life without him, if that was the way for me to go. I decided I wanted to stay in the relationship despite the issues with his custody and time. I guess NG thought about life without me and if he was ready for that. I told him, like some of you stated, he needed to find a way to love me and share his life with me versus compartmentalize us like he did that weekend. He didn't know the significance of the timing of my losses in all fairness. I have the strength to stay or go. I needed to know I could that, too. Choices and timing. Hope all can have some good spring time.