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Such a strange turn of events! I had a weekend with NG low key. At home, March Madness, nothing special. My son is starting to respond to NG, and it is interesting. My NG states my 14 yr old is craving interactions with men, and I don't doubt it. I did what I could after his dad died to provide avenues for men support. I had some men step up but nothing could compare to his very active and involved, silly and masculine yet gentle giant his dad was. My son has subsequently ditched sports and Boy Scouts, things he loved with his dad involved. I know it may have occurred anyway, but I can't help but wonder. So, NG brings up summer vacation trip. He throws out this idea he is thinking about with my son, and my son is all over it. It is a guys active trip in the mountains with some concessions for me, like a cabin with a hot tub, and they can sleep in a tent if they choose kind of thing. This is huge. NG was so not thinking in terms of "us", and here we are. I am thrilled as it is a huge commitment. He wants to do it. And it is even before the new custody hearing that was delayed. He said he is not concerned about that, as this is not a problem for him. This is unexpected. So, here we go...

“I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I've led a common life. "There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough..” Thankfully, we are all different. Hope we can have something worthy in the 2nd chapter.

1. I volunteered to be on a foster care review board. I have worked with foster care kids for years with trauma treatment expertise but not in private practice so much. So, with 6 hours of training on my belt, I can serve another way, hopefully. 2. Spring break is around the corner. 3. My finances are coming back around. Feel more sure footed versus sinking. Renting my house that did not sell is a big bonus. Starting to recover from 6 months of two home expenses.

Hey all! Another week has passed. My birthday is in 2 weeks! NG and I took a short break this week. I needed to regroup and think and not have him around. He told me he would wait and he would be there when I was ready. I realized I was in a deep sadness for a few days. My FB reminder of the past told me I had just moved my mother to the personal care home/dementia unit a year ago, and then subsequently she became majorly ill and passed in NOV. Then there were reminders of my dad's death the 18th, 12 yrs. ago. I hadn't thought of this for a long time. I guess having both parents gone has affected me more than I thought. Timing. And I met with my accountant. I have a long term care policy I purchased when DH died. I decided to have it since I was widowed. She reminded me I needed it as I had no one to care for me if I got sick. :-X I felt so alone and with NG not talking to me all weekend, I guess it threw me into a tizzy. I am passed it. I don't make decisions when upset. I waited it out and thought through some things. Anyway, we are back on track and dealing with the circumstances. He said to me, "Don't leave me " And I responded, "Don't leave me." I felt abandoned when DH died, despite , of course, it was not his choice. WOW..... This grief stuff is just there. How you don't have it come up is beyond me. It is always there, and rears it head at different points......

Some discussion with NG. He knows I have some money, not rich but I can work pt time right now. I rented my home out when it didn’t sell and bought a newer home and owe little on it. My mother passed in November so I own a 4th of a farm we are selling. He has no debt but pays out for attorney fees for custody fights and admits he is A Disney dad. He gets military retirement at age 60 as he waited so his ex has no ties to it. He is frugal and we pay a lot Dutch out. He used to pay for me often but has backed off. ??? DH and I had nothing so it all was ours equally with one checking account the entire marriage. Little debt. I have talked some to NG but not extensively. I have researched about laws here regarding child support. I want his ex to have no access to my finances. Marriage delay then. It’s a lot to put together. I have a nest egg due to DHs planning, literally 2 months before his car accident. He was just declared cancer free ten yrs and changed his options at work for life insurance. Not figured out. My brother, a widower and very strict fundamentalist Christian, married quickly, put everything together as he interpreted according to his beliefs and hers. She left in 8 months and the mess of undoing the legal financial things took months. They didn’t talk about the money. 🙄

Thank you all. Your words help. I don't go to things with the ex there as I guess, NG does not want to rock the boat. The custody hearing was delayed last week due to NG's attorney having emergency surgery. I just don't know how not to feel hurt. It will be a month since we (son and I) will have seen his kids now, and he said it is probably good so his ex can't say he has his kids spend all their time with his GF. OUCH... so much for integration. Yes, the two parents attend everything together, so even if he gets 50/50, it may end up like your situation, CW. They can't have one do more than the other, it seems. I am trying to build a network as I know that will give me support and things to do, and I won't worry about his time with his kids. But that also is a poor way to build a foundation if we want to be together long term. Yes, time will tell. Thanks for the ear.

1. My son got back from his youth retreat and had a ball. Our former church youth were there, so he got to see friends. This is a special camp as my LH volunteered for youth retreats here all the time. ;D 2. I have my taxes and my late mother's done! One more big check the box. 3. I went to a lunch at my former church and got lots of hugs, smiles and felt good to be with folks who care and know me, my son and LH.

Home by myself. My kid is on a church retreat. My NG's weekend with his kids, though. He asked me late this a.m. to go to his youngest kid's soccer game. I just had awakened. He said the ex was not going to be there. I get it, but I don't like it. I was only invited, then because she wasn't there. I had an impulsive thought to get dressed up and go out for St. Patty's by myself with an Uber, but it just is not me. (sigh) I tried to see a friend but her mother has been sick since Jan and she and her brother are taking turns with her as her mother doesn't want to be alone, but won't move and won't hire anyone to stay with her. Feel bad for my friend, but a road trip to see her would have been nice. So, in a relationship and only texted today. Not sure what I feel about it. FLAT is a good word. My kid has two camps this summer and a missionary trip. They are all the weeks NG HAS his kids. We have not had an adult away from kids since Aug, when I moved here. Yeah....

Needytoo, I think it is personality. My mother was independent. Went to college in the 1940s, took care of my father with alzheimer's. She just passed in Nov. She did everything she could to be independent. She apologized to me at the nursing home, in hospice, mind you, as she didn't like that she needed care. Her mother became a widow in her 50s and had to learn to do everything, drive, pay bills, work outside the home. My mother saw that. Now, my MIL moved to where my LH and I resided. She wanted her only son to do all kinds of things. She would call him at work so he could come over and do things at her house before coming to our home. He set limits with her, but he still took care of her until he died. One reason I had to move away from her. She was talking to my son, who was 13 at the time and telling him how he could drive her around when he got his license. She told him he could drive her when she broke her wrist last summer, as he was old enough to do so. I confronted her on it and she said she was joking, but my son did not think so. NOPE. Boundaries. Personalities and experiences.....

Yes, Yes and yes. Hoping you feel more settled soon. Everything your wrote I have felt on some level. My childhood friend's husband had open heart surgery yesterday after having a heart attack. I have been so emotional about it. My love of 28 yrs. is gone. My wonderful NG, and we are not there yet. Who to sit with me if a major illness? The uncertainties. The insecurities of rebuilding. The fun of the new, as there was no one except my late husband. The excitement of the qualities NG has that are attractive and so different than LH. Being in love, but it is fresh, novel and complicated. (Younger guy with younger kids than me, too.) I understand. I think it is all just a work in progress. I

Tonight's episode. :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( <3<3<3

Out of line. Amazing that folks think they can know about your private affairs. He isn't thinking it through. Had your husband lived, and maybe lived into his 90s, the SS would be way more than they paid in during their work life. With kids, you only have 18 yrs. max if the kid was just born! So, there is no way us receiving the SS survival benefits is more for our kids than what possibly our spouses could have collected. As for playing the system, I am humbled about that. I had thoughts about it, too, before being placed in this system. Was called out here for "taking the government cheese." Well, I guess working the system, whether being the taxes we have paid into to get SS, the stock market, maximizing our assets is the way of the world. Funny the double standard. Oh, you know a first wife/spouse gets SS from the working deceased spouse. How does that make sense? A spouse of 10 yrs., who could be divorced for 30 gets SS off first married spouse if they do not remarry. Wow. The system is full of inconsistencies. So, dealing with your friend? Depends on your relationship. Broken Record approach? "I don't want or need to discuss this with you. PLease stop asking." Specific, respectful and clear over and over until he "hears" you? Worst case, avoid time with him? I am sure you know all this, but doing it is the hard part. Good luck!

Thanks all. Reading my posts, and I don’t like my attitude. Going to focus on gratefulness and what works. Going to trust time. Going to attempt to live here and now and not worry about the future. I don’t want to be whiny or complaining. I vent here for help and support. Admittedly, the anonymous nature is a plus. If I talked to friends like this irl they would be tired or direct with me. Thanks for the ears and comments. Much appreciated. PS. Two nights with NG. He is committed. He loves me. He worries some I will walk away from him and his situation. He isn’t so dense. He cares. 😉

Thanks Trying2breathe. Marriage is on the table, but when? How long living separate lives but yet committed? I know, everyone is different and for some, two homes works. Not my desire, though. He is excited about a concert for us to go to in JAN! He definitely sees us going on. But he talked at dinner Friday night about their summer vacation and maybe having an uncle go, a man's trip. I must have had quite a look on my face as he asked what was wrong. I thought we had discussed us vacationing together, our third summer together and such. I just don't know where he was. He asked if we wanted to join them, then. I had already discussed this another time, that if we were together, we make plans together, not ask us later as an afterthought or as guests. He tells me he can be quite dense and needs direct communication. I was shocked given we talked marriage two nights earlier. I am thrilled for those who figure out a way to make it work. I appreciate your comments and sharing. I am growing more confident in this new city. I will make connections. I will be good, but it sure is confusing. Never had such doubt with DH. WE both have activities tonight, so no commemorating our first date. I told him I am a date/anniversary person. I am waiting to see if he remembers. Time is my love language. And then affirmations. Any way....

Good to see you on here! . I just passed 6 yrs. LH's birthday was Friday. So much. I think it is why it takes so long to let things go. The memories! I think you nailed it. I think I avoided it so much. A purge here and then 6 months later and then a year later. All my wounded heart could tolerate. And now my son and I are in a new house. Still purging. Still hard to decide what to keep and let go. Maybe my son will want it, maybe not? And the emotions going through it. Thanks for sharing. Get it.

Beginning to feel like I am a broken record. NG and I had great, deep talk about the future. He told me two years is enough time to decide to marry or not. He told me he sees us marrying but not now, as in March. But nothing further. I told him I was giving a year here in the same city and see where we are. Court is delayed due to an illness with his attorney. He is glad as they have put the bill up for presumptive 50/50 shared parenting upon separation versus the status quo from the 70s of one parent having the primary custodial residence with joint custody. If it is signed, that is a greater argument for the judge to go to 50/50. Remember, he had 50/50 in another state. This state is behind. Gosh, we are so good together but the blending of the two and the on going things. I love him. He is a wonderful man, a great father. But I will not wait yrs., and he knows this. I am not about an ultimatum. It is not like that. It is about timing of life, which sometimes is not there. Today is 2 years of our first date. (sigh)

Needyone, I hear you. This is hard. I don't have the same situation, but NG and I talked living together/getting married a year ago. And then I moved to his town for many reasons. I have been here 7 months, and next weekend is 2 years for us. And we are not moving in the same home as talked about last summer. Things changed. So, for you. Though your NG promised his father to take care of his mother, does that mean living under the same roof? I took care of my mother, and we didn't live under the same roof. We tried briefly after LH died, and we both were too independent at the time. She required more care eventually, and moved in a personal care home. Do you think NG's father meant for the NG to put his life on hold indefinitely? But my mother also accepted and made changes for her needs without asking me to stop all and take care of her, either. I may be stepping on toes, honoring your parents beliefs. But I believe I honored my mother well. So, you can care for others and not put all on hold. I realized my mother wanted me to find a new mate. She did not want me to be alone for years! What a revelation for me! I am sorry for the conundrum you all are in. Nothing is as clear cut, now. I wish it was so easy. Some on here make it look easy, or make the leap of faith despite the challenges. I admire them.....

Thank you for sharing your path. You have been brutally honest and I so appreciate learning from your experiences. Congrats on the new "beginnings." I posted recently on FB. Change is hard. Change is growth. Change is essential. Warm vibes!

Tough topic. POA and other legal arrangements. Prompted here, I brought it up last night to NG, also. He joked a bit, as someone who has not dealt with loss and finds it uncomfortable t discuss. But he did say I am his ICE now on most documents. I have put him down also, as I know few folks here, moving to a new city. So, no head way on anything legal, but we are not even engaged. He poured on the commitment talk last night, though, interestingly. I had brought up his sons are the center of his life and used a quote he knew about a relationship but it was originally geared towards husband and wife. He heard me and stated it was so but he wished he could be more "normal" with his kids and hopes it to change when he has more time with them, so it is not like this always. Not sure he liked my comparison, but he didn't disagree. Later, he told me his kids were temporarily his center of life, and I would be his permanent. Not sure how I feel about that. The waiting.... Anyway....

I had a dream I think others have shared similarly here. I dreamed my LH had come back, and I am with NG. And I wonder what I am to do. Yet, as the dream progresses, I realize my LH is not really there. He is aloof, not interacting, just in the background. I awakened to again the reality, "He is gone. He is really not here." This was right after the 6 yr sadiversary, and I wrote a Memorial and shared as I couldn't before. Now move a month later and NG and I are doing okay, but there are so many challenges and "right timing" things, AND I had another dream. This time, I have to be with my LH as he really didn't die, and I have to let NG know I am still a wife. My brain/subconscious is on overload. Not a dream analyst, but WOW.....

Beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

Another week! NG and I went out for Indian food last Sat. New to me. New experience. Good stuff! We had a fight beforehand. Unpleasant. He had the weekend without his kids. He stayed Friday night at a homeless shelter volunteering, had things to do on Sat. and then was late 45 minutes to go out for the night. We had a communication break down, but my issues still stem from lack of feeling a priority. I told him time is not guaranteed, and we have limited time anyway, so 45 minutes is a big deal, not just an inflexibility issue. We had met to work out and I left to get ready. He took long so not to have to wait on me, a pet peeve. I got ready quickly so he didn't have to wait on me We talked it out and will see where things go. I feel needy and clingy and hate that. I need a new friend network. Working on it and it will take time to build those bonds. Valentine's Day: He sent me a cake box full of sweets. He sent it to work to share as we had a lunch meeting. It didn't get there on time. It is huge, with things like chocolate covered strawberries, macaroons. I posted a FB pic and got more feedback than most of my pics. I told him my friends were reacting to me posting about my NG. So, really an approval thing. Oh this dating! Keep on, keeping on. March 14 is the custody hearing. Ugghh......Not about me. But NG is stressed.....

I knew I was but didn't know it was a "thing." After DH died suddenly, just working full time, having an 8 yr. old and my elderly mother to care for, didn't lend to social time. And then all my friends got busy, too, with their kids' activities. Our mom group fell apart. I became addicted to social media as a form of socializing which does not cut it, I know. My son does it, too. He doesn't invite friends over. Just on line stuff. His activities are at school and then home, and then quiet. I hate that. Our whole world is doing it to some extent. NG is the same. He divorced, moved to town his ex took the kids and works all the time. He volunteers and goes to his kids' activities, but does not have a group of close friends per se. I told him we needed to go to a Super Bowl party he was invited to because he needed to socialize, and we did. When you work full time (or others do), and you have kids, and you have a home to maintain, where and when? I get it. I wish I knew the answer. New home town for me, so forming close bonds will take a while anyway. It is hard....

Arneal, What a stressful way to have NG move in and your funds be tied up! I hope you can find a way to commemorate your birthday, the Valentines day if that is your thing, AND moving in together. I am thankful to have a person to spend some time with on Valentine's day. I know it is a prescribed marketed holiday, but I am okay with it if it makes folks take the time to do something a little special. We all know time is not guaranteed, but life gets busy, and we don't take the time. Those few years without anyone were so difficult. I got invited to the over 55 Valentine's dinner at church. I became a widow at 42. I was not happy about that. I know they were trying to be inclusive. Us young widow/widowers don't fit anywhere. Anyway....

Wheeler'swife, I am not trying to convert you by any means. But I am a sign believer. First time it hit me was a year to the date my father died. I had gone to be with my best GF, who lost her dad about 6 months earlier. On the way home, the radio played the song I danced with my father to at my wedding. It was 17 yrs ago, and I hadn't heard it in years and flip on the radio, and there it is. "Wind beneath my wings" by Bette Midler My SIL for Christmas gave us all the book, "When God Winks at You: How God Speaks Directly to You through the Power of Coincidence" by Squire Rushnell. I was using it for light discussions in Sunday School class. A teen from our church had died Feb. 14, 2011 in a car accident. Her parents wrote a note in our church newsletter about how Elizabeth had continued to let her know her presence. God winks. I used that for my lesson that Sunday, Jan. 2012, and my husband died, that Friday in a car accident. I have had so many things happen to me before and since, I do not believe in coincidences. So whatever you choose to believe and lead you in this life, I believe in signs, and I know they are Godwinks for me. People use that phrase now to me, as I have used it so many times. Anyway. If it gives you comfort, why not?