trying2breathe

Needy Sorry that this hurts. You mention that NG backs away with gifty holidays - could it be a financial situation? Or maybe he just doesn't know how or what to gift? When you have that conversation, maybe de-emphasis the gift part of it - unless that's something important to you - and instead let him know how you'd like to just be together on those holidays?

Thankful to be in a relationship and to celebrate Valentine's this year also - not sure what we'll do and it's not important as long as we're together. It is such a commercial holiday, haven't been too bothered by it other than the first year that I was widowed. After that it seemed to get easier to laugh at the force fed falseness of it - it's nice to celebrate love but to do it the Hallmark way - meh. Got us tickets to see a play at a theatre we've been talking about, maybe not such a romantic gift - hope he likes it. I too was invited to the church singles group and felt so out of place as I was far younger than anybody there. Attended a grief group at church and was the youngest one, got plenty of pity which made things even worse. Hope your birthday is a good one, arneal.

I watched last night too, interesting that I know it will hurt and yet decide to go there anyway. It is like therapy to cry hard and let it go, and I hadn't done this for a long time. It helps to be able to compartmentalize and tuck it away again though.

Big fan of This Is Us, waited to watch this episode as I didn't want to go through it with BF at my side. Saw it last night, this opened up some emotions that I shut down the night he died and I hadn't opened up much since. I was a crying mess too - some things are so difficult to revisit and this brought on some of the darkest days grief that I tend to tuck away on a shelf. Big big hugs Trying edited to add - Is anybody planning to watch tonight? Supposed to another emotional episode ....

arneal Yay!! Good news, very excited for you! Best of luck with the move this weekend!! And I love this, about your home ^^

Virgo, hope you stay healthy! I'm on the other side of the flu bug and wow, don't wish that on anybody. I'm a believer in zinc too. Wishing a weekend with some peaceful moments for you and your children. It is a hard balance, my children tend to not show their grief and during the holidays together we placed a small wreath at the gravesite, their idea. I'm also grateful for this site and all of you ~

No snarkiness taken, good question Mike. Sounds like something BF might ask too. I believe also that it's a matter of semantics on how one defines commitment. I feel that I'm in a committed relationship with BF, however there's a part of me that I don't think that I can share with him, that I'm not willing to give away. It has nothing to do with him or us together, it's how vulnerable I'm willing to be in this relationship. It may be a defense in not giving my all because of the harsh reality of knowing that this can taken away in an instant. It's choosing not to deal with some of the more difficult issues with him, because I don't have to. It's keeping that piece of my heart that belongs to my LH. BF and I will not have the responsibility of raising children, may or may not get married or co-habitate. These to me don't represent commitment, what makes me not know if I can be at 100% is that there is a part of me that I'm keeping to myself, that I'm not able to share right now. Hope this makes some sense -

^ I'm wondering this too - ? Fully committed relationship - hmmm. Boyfriend has two exes, both are civil and so far there's been no drama. Boyfriend's kids however, that's a different story. After the holidays he mentioned that at least his daughters don't live close. I'm glad for this because if we saw them more often, well - I'm just happy to not have to deal with this. As far as minimizing the noise, I'm grateful to again be in a good and loving relationship. Not that the frustrating stuff doesn't get annoying, but I've been asking myself if the trouble is worth it and so far the answer has been yes. It is interesting that with the added noise, I moved very slowly to get into this relationship. I feel close to my boyfriend and don't intend on pursing another love relationship, but whether I'll ever be able to feel 100% committed - I don't know.

Virgo Hope the weekend went okay for you, those dates can bring on strong emotions even years later. I've had a few sadiversarys lately that were tougher than in years past, it surprises me on the cycle of grief as I thought it would get easier and this isn't necessarily the case. Glad that NG is tuned in to your emotions.

tybec I feel for you on being a witness, he must think it's pretty important that you do this otherwise he wouldn't have asked. The in-laws may talk about you - domestic issues are understandably heated but I believe that character comes through in the end and hopefully no professional harm will be done to you. Trying Good to know that her true colors came out in court, glad for you and your DH. The divorce hate thing makes me wonder too. Hate is an intense emotion, makes me think that there are unresolved issues when hate is present between exes. My brother is going through an amicable (so far) split with his wife, they're getting along better than ever now that he's filed for divorce. It's more like they're indifferent to each other and ready to move on. Hope that it stays this way as I hope to stay in touch with my sister-in-law. TGIF - hope that everybody has a good weekend.

arneal I'm glad that you had a great conversation and that you feel progress - sounds like a corner has been turned and that's wonderful. It's essential for me to keep communication going with BF and I'm thankful that he tries with me and it's taking us to a new level in the relationship. Onward indeed!

Welcome, Loxlie to this group and sorry that you find yourself here. It is a big help to have somebody with you that understands, and I hope that this site brings added comfort too.

Hmmm ..... well I agree that you don't want to be another battle that he's dealing with, however this irks you and I would draw a line and let him know what you're not willing to put up with. If you can't have time with him without a text/phone argument going on with his ex at the same time - arrrggh - that for me would be very difficult too. Maybe a polite conversation about how much it does bother you, and ask him if he can hold off on those arguments for another time? I also understand the kid thing, crisis situation, etc. but other than that it is being disrespectful. I've asked my guy to put his phone away at dinner and he was understanding about it and so far it's been better.

klim My thoughts exactly as I approach one year in early February with BF. I think that if I'm still having doubts right now, should I just call it quits and move on? You're right that perfect is not realistic, I do love him and we are comfortable with each other. We're working through some issues and right now things are good. When I think back on my marriage with my LH, we had struggles and there was a time when I thought about not staying with him. This reminds me that regardless of the relationship there will be some conflict. I'm taking it day to day, and not trying to overthink it. arneal So very glad that you talked it out - you mentioned not having to say anything but I hope that you will have your say. There's a way to be loving and supportive and still get your point across. My boyfriend tells me that he appreciates it when I call him out on his s#&t ;D and I also want to be called out on mine.

Glad that you connected, arneal - good that he's aware of the lack of communication and brought it up. I do hope that you follow up with another conversation on how much it did bother you. Update on boyfriend - I'm feeling better and we've had a few good conversations and are doing okay right now. The air has cleared a bit and this weekend we seemed to settle into a good routine, hope that this lasts. Maybe it was winter & post holiday blues, combined with being sick - glad to be moving forward and out of this funk. Hope everybody is staying healthy!

So sorry that you are going through this. I wish for some peaceful moments in the days ahead for you.

Thanks, jgib - it's a good point about feeling lousy and being cranky. I won't make any decisions until I'm feeling better - it's best to hold off on any serious discussions too. Hope everybody is staying healthy - this flu thing is no fun!

Definitely something to talk about, arneal. I freak when I don't hear from my boyfriend for half a day - wid thing crops up for me and I wonder if something horrible may have happened. It's great that you're staying busy, not hesitating to live your life and continue on. I understand holing up and isolating but he should also understand at the very least your need to be in touch to know that he's okay. Hope that the conversation and/or text goes well, when you have it. (( Big hugs ))

I've come down with whatever bug is going around - a mild form of some kind of flu. I've taken much of the week off and have had a lot of down time. Boyfriend is supportive and yet he's not - brought me chicken soup this evening but dropped it at the front door and ran. Not for wanting to avoid germs as he has insisted on kissing me the past few days - but instead avoid whatever wonky stuff is still going on between us. We're off and it's not better, I'm getting cranky with him and it doesn't feel good. We've had a couple of conversations about the relationship, and it hasn't changed anything. I'm getting the feeling that he's telling me what I want to hear and not how he really feels. sigh ...... February 2nd would be one year for us - not sure if we're gonna make it.

I feel for you, arneal, lack of communication would very much bother me too. I hope that your talking about it with him brings better times ahead for you. I gently suggest that you not put yourself second, your feelings and your relationship with your boyfriend count too. I have tiptoed around feelings and have put myself and the relationship second, and it doesn't feel good. Being up front with what you need isn't a bad thing, perhaps the timing of it isn't ideal but he does need to hear how you feel. Needy My son can be a Quasimodo too holes himself up in his bedroom and isn't social. Maybe create a more casual way of doing something together with NG - some kids are socially awkward and sitting and watching TV with you both might be a bit much right now. Glad that he checked the snowblower, sounds like he gave it a go and that's good.

tybec I relate to the children issue, boyfriend's children and mine are young adults, his are independent and mine are in college - no custody issues. His kids in effect have three parents - bio mother, step-mother and Dad. My kids have just me. When he complains about the logistics of sharing his children, I've gently reminded him and do say to him that my kids are not so fortunate. What a gift to have three living, loving parents in a young person's life. I struggle with being the solo parent - envision how I can lessen my chances of dying so that I don't leave my kids alone. It's a different mind-set, he listens with compassion but it's something that he doesn't really understand. The relationship with my boyfriend has shifted since the holidays - we had a couple weeks of down time due to visiting family, and as a result have taken a few steps back in the closeness that we shared prior to Christmas. He's trying to get back what we had, inviting himself over and wanting to settle into the nightly routine of sharing dinner together. I'm looking at him with a different perspective, the early fairy tale moments are fading away and reality is setting in. It feels like this is the time to set boundaries in how we move forward, and I'm not sure what this will be. It will be good to have some deep conversations about this and I'm not looking forward to it. He's a methodical, fix it if it's broken kind of a guy, and we're not broken. Hmmm ......

Beautiful post, thank you for "paying it forward".

^^well said, SW. This states so well how I feel and have been unable to say. Virgo My boyfriend is a Pats fan, it's been fun to watch the playoffs together and we've been talking about hosting a Superbowl party together. I've always loved watching pro football, it's been a great thing for us to share together even though I'm not a Pats fan! So good that NG is supportive of you and in planning a celebratory Superbowl party.

Yes, do you want to try in this relationship? She may truly be re-evaluating dating. On the other hand - interpretation of her words from a female perspective - I wonder if he wants to stick with me even though I'm going through some stress right now. Wonder if he's okay with some of the tougher times, is he okay with me when I'm not at my best? She may be putting out this re-evaluation comment to test the strength of your relationship.

Needy Hmmm - wonder why NG isn't stepping up with the snowblower. Is he aware that there really is a problem with it? Seems like it would be a relatively easy fix for him to take care of it. I'd certainly take one of the other guys up on the offer, should they say something to NG all the better.