RobFTC

Hi SR, I would suggest "energy drain" or something related. "Gosh, son, I used up all my driving energy taking you to school when you missed the bus. I don't think I have any to spare to take you to your friend's house to play." Or maybe he has to think up chores he can do to restore your energy. It DOES have an impact on you, so you have to get him to address that. My girls missed the bus once; I do stand in the living room to say goodbye and may happen to note that it's 6:45 if I don't see them by then. I think they got to get dinner on the table an extra day each when I had to drive them. Take care, Rob T

Oh heck yeah, I figure anyone can be 10 minutes late, and really do not mind. But a half-hour is too common, and I've had attitude that suggests this isn't always just an accident. I have also said that I would happily eat at 5:30 if the error went in that direction, of course that has *never* happened :-) Take care, Rob T

Today's challenge - cooking. Rebecca and Sarah each cook once a week, with me cooking or putting leftovers on as needed on the other days. We have dinner at 6pm, and I am reluctant to let anything disrupt it. When I am late, I let them know. I can be very, very efficient to nail that deadline :-) Sarah regularly lands dinner on time, with some glitches when she has stuff go sideways. Her skills are not solid, and when stuff gets out of hand, she's not great at making good "what next" decisions or asking for help. But I can tell that she wants to do a good job, and she's sorry when she's late. Rebecca very often lands dinner late, sometimes well over a half hour late, with no apology. The basic root cause seems to be that she just doesn't give a damn and/or this is a good way to do get negative attention. As many times as I ask, she won't take the 30 seconds it would take to let me know what to expect. Today, she's cooking, and she said it would take a half-hour. She was in the bathroom until 6, so she's for sure going to be late. She hasn't communicated. It's harder on me now that I am dieting. I would like some feedback and more ideas for consequences for being late. I can reduce them if I get notice, and I may be open to an occasional "it wasn't my fault" if I buy it. Ideas I have had so far: - you're fired from cooking for being too flaky, so you can contribute by cleaning bathrooms and toilets weekly instead - not completely happy with this, because I want her to get cooking experience, and she does tackle new recipes often - you can cook dinners until you land a meal at or before 6pm - better as it taps the expectation that a task done later than expected might grow in size or result in another task added I also don't know what to do if she just refuses to accept the consequence. They need a lot less from me, so "energy drain" feels harder now. Yes, I need to dig into the books. It's been busy. Thanks, Rob T

They get up at 6 and are out the door to the bus at 6:45 - it's certain that nobody is going to shower in the morning. Except me, I'm showered and dressed (but unfed) and have a coffee in my hand by 6:40 :-) Take care, Rob T

Hi Abi, yes, they share a shower, but no, there are no set times. They used to have to negotiate who would shower first, and that often enough resulted in fights due to Rebecca's flakiness and "I want to go first but I won't start on time" stuff. Rebecca now goes first by my rule. The normal pattern of late is that Sarah gets in the shower at 9:20 and is out by 9:30 or 9:35, and 9:30 is her bedtime. She deadline schedules it, but she's dead reliable. Rebecca's showers shift all over, and she never cares to talk to Sarah about shower times, so she stomps on Sarah's time fairly often. The goal is to sand off this rough edge :-) I have tried to say she can't shower if she is late, but the stinker has ducked in there super-late anyway, and then she's bothering her sister in their shared room. If I could really deliver a consequence for not keeping an agreement, I could try that again. The clean-your-room-to-get-fed is not unprecedented, but you're right, it's not tied to the infraction. An alternate: you go clean by putting stuff in a bin, and they do some of your shores to pay you back for the energy, and to earn the right to get their stuff back. Hi Trying, yeah, I have already had stuff drift into my shower. I did manage to tamp that down a bit by announcing that things left could be tossed out. Turning off the hot water sounds interesting, but I am not sure how easy that is with our plumbing; I may have to check. The disgusting bedroom, been there, still there. I have Rebecca cleaning it up because she is a repeat offender on food and I want to patrol more safely and easily. Prior to that, I was insisting it be cleaned before they had anyone over to visit, but kind of stayed out of it otherwise. I have cared more about them keeping their shared bathroom clean, as that is what guests would use. Take care, Rob T

This is illustrative of how far I have to go from my norms to how it should be. You will see how much I nag and remind. I may have gotten one thing right per L&L here. My girls take turns unloading the dishwasher, and putting in all of the dishes on the counter waiting to go in. Last night, it was Miss R's turn, and as usual, her time priorities are sketchy. She was reading her history text (while listening to earbuds) after dinner and said "one and a half more paragraphs and I will do that." An hour later, she was still at her desk reading. I talked to her about it (not what I should be doing). We talked about it being important she was not late getting into the shower and in her sister's way, so she went up to shower. A half-hour later, she had not started showering, and I talked to her about that (not what I should be doing). After her shower, she needed another reminder about the dishwasher (not what I should be doing). She unloaded the dishwasher, but left the dirty dishes on the counter (a bumper crop). On the way out the door this morning, I did the one good L&L thing and said, "Thanks for unloading the dishwasher. I see you chose to leave the dirty dishes on the counter. I was going to wipe the counters really well before your party, but there's no problem, you can do that after you handle the dirty dishes this afternoon." No opposition, which was nice. I have managed to set an norm that work deferred without a good reason can result in more work, but I could be more consistent about that. For the one-hour showers taken without regard for her sister, I am thinking I should simply say that anyone who has showered without causing problems for others for the past week is welcome to use their shared shower. Those who have caused problems have to use my shower, which is nice but doesn't have all the froo-froo stuff they like. I might even want to post a notice on the bathroom door. Thoughts? Take care, Rob T

Hey gang, Some of you may have heard of "Love and Logic", an initiative started years back by Jim Fay of Golden, CO. They are at http://loveandlogic.com. I am just a customer, and want to have a space to work out strategies. Let me explain. Love and Logic is all about trying to stay out of the way while kids learn from natural consequences of their decisions. When they make bad decisions, you don't bull in and react, but take time to figure out what you can say or do that has the best chance at making them realize it was their decision that was the problem. For young kids, you'd pick up the toy they left out and perhaps have them come up with a chore to do for you to get it back. For older kids, well, that's what I am trying to figure out right now. Raising a teen who's smarter and sneakier than you is exciting! For this to work out best, you need to have a sounding board to make your strategy effective - here's my plan, what could go wrong with it? If anyone is up for that kind of discussion, here's the place. Us wids have an uphill battle with parenting that often includes nobody to readily conspire with, and so this could help. I have seen good strategies work so well and so fast it's taken my breath away, and I have had what I thought were good ideas collapse in front of me. I commit to reading about your struggles and seeing if I can help out; this has been fun when I have done it in person. Is anyone with me? Take care, Rob T

SR, a target for me with negative stuff is - "Aren't you glad I don't believe that?" Good stuff in all of the filtering. My T-Mobile account has some parental controls, but not as fine-grained as I would like. It's still good to have the control, and to still have them able to text or call me even if they can't do anything else. I have at times blocked the WiFi IP address, and yeah, it's less confrontational than demanding she turn over the phone. I should simplify what I do so that it's clearer. Rob T

I think the biggest pattern I want to break is focusing on her failures all the time. She must have a feeling that I don't believe she can walk the right path, and that's not something my parents EVER let me feel. I do believe she's an awesome person, with a few rough edges I would like to smooth out. I would like to internalize that thought and turn it into action, while still holding her accountable so those rough edges get a little attention. It's the lack of progress that's got us to this level of conflict, and I need to find the reset button. I just had a thought about writing her a letter to that effect. Miss S could use one, too, I bet. Hmmm ... MTK, I had to chuckle at how your telling your daughter to relax is stressing her out - kind of like wishing a person a nice day and have them snarl that they have other plans :-) Maybe more simple messages that you believe in her could do the trick. ILYA, I know how your guy tests you, too. Sometimes kids lean against the boundaries in the hopes they are solid, so they just need us to be there. To all parents, I hope we can keep the boundaries solid with reasonable padding :-) Take care, Rob T

MTK, I have that skill too - and I don't (usually) even put "BOO!" in my messages :-) Take care, Rob T

Only parenting sucks, can I get an amen? My oldest has been getting herself in trouble with me for flagrantly breaking my rules. If you remember, she had a lot of food - spilling out of bags, decomposing, ewww stuff - stashed in her room awhile ago, and that's happened a number of times since then on a smaller scale. She was supposed to clear their room again after I found food on Thanksgiving, but she avoided that all weekend to watch videos (I was waiting with a consequence in mind). She's lost privileges and can't be arsed to do anything to earn them back. I don't believe in taking laptops to bedrooms, so I had to put an explicit rule in place when she was caught watching videos in her room when she should have been taking care of chores. We won't even talk about grades for the minute. This morning, her sister headed off on the bus while she stayed home sick. Her sister texted that she was missing her laptop, and wondered if I knew where it was. I looked in the likely places, and then asked my oldest. She denied seeing it. I made her get dressed and help me look, because Sarah has two assessment grades riding on it today. She got up and started to look around, so I said I would have a look in their room. Then she stopped me and confessed that she'd taken her sister's laptop out of her backpack so she could leave it at her desk and take her laptop to her room and not get caught. She'd forgotten to cover her tracks this morning. And she had dirty dishes in there again, of course. Multiple violations of the same type are stacking up. I think my biggest concert at this point is that almost all of our interactions are negative, and I don't know where to start at improving that. Communications are down to a couple of tin cans and some string. And just to make the secret sauce more flavorful, their 15th birthday party is coming up this weekend - we talked about plans just last night. I ordered some "Love and Logic" resources this morning, if anyone knows about those guys. I respect their system but can't say I have been following it well since they were a lot younger. I set up a meeting with a couple who knows her well and has a daughter her age at the same school. I put out the call on FB (making sure they would not see it). The final step was venting here. Take care, Rob T

Hugs, Abi. This is a minefield about which I have no good advice. I have tended to be open with my kids when I am going on dates, but I am very reluctant to have everyone meet until the relationship has passed a certain point. And my relationships have not done that yet, so meetings have only happened by accident. I almost don't know how a sleepover could happen. Take care, Rob T

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Homeless people need love, too! :-) Take care, Rob T

Hi folks, I don't think too many have heard this, but a couple of months ago I got rattled. I had some vision oddities - a little shimmer in the corner of one eye. I thought it was odd, and went in to get examined. They poked and prodded, and decided that high blood pressure was affecting blood flow to my optic nerve, and that I probably had some permanent vision damage (though it might improve some). I was very lucky that this was peripheral and not central vision, and that the affect was subtle. I had thought I had a blood pressure problem last fall, and got on meds to deal with it, but they probably were not the best meds and I was lousy at actually tracking my blood pressure and getting it right. I had a blood pressure monitor, but I wasn't sure it was accurate and didn't compare it to know, and was discounting the occasional high readings I would get when I occasionally took my pressure. My exercise was spotty, my stress was high, and my diet and weight were taking me to bad places, so I was really not going where I wanted. So since that diagnosis, and after mourning a bit for not being able to rely thoughtlessly on my body like I could in my thirties, I started hitting this on all fronts. I took my blood pressure monitor to the doctor's office to compare - it's not bad. I have been very faithful at monitoring my blood pressure. I switched meds to make exercise easier. I started taking exercise more seriously - I can really tell that I can't let more than a day go by without it, and it lowers my pressure way more than any one other thing. Last night, I felt good enough that watching TV while on my stationary bike was comfortable rather than a "sheesh-how-many-more-minutes" chore. For more variety, I will join a gym Real Soon Now and figure out what to do there (that's got to happen still). I also went to a weight-loss doctor. I have been on that border between overweight and obese according to my BMI for some time, and I had wanted it to change. I felt like I tried to make decent food choices but had lousy information about what really mattered. Under the doctor's guidance, I had better focus on what mattered for me - early signs of metabolic syndrome meant I should get away from carbs, especially. I started tracking what I was eating for a couple of weeks with modest goals, and then locked into specific goals for carbs/protein/calories. Ten stubborn pounds are gone, and I know I will lose more. I feel like I have reoriented myself away from some crap foods in a good way, because I am not craving most of them. (We won't talk about potato chips, OK? :-) I got through two great Halloween parties and kept myself to two pieces of candy, which represents more self-control than I thought I could muster. So life is better. I feel like I give more of a crap about staying alive and well, and have adopted a better attitude about actually participating in that process. I have backed away from some things that felt more important than they were, and I feel more free now. I am making changes to be better for me, and I feel like I am doing a whole lot more right than I was. It's not victory yet, but I believe I can get there. Take care, Rob T

All that cut-and-paste - wow. I think he didn't compliment you enough G, what do you think? :-) I heard back from the one who showed interest, and she may be up for a date (still have to work that out). Yes, I will message match. I would like to land my six extra months and then hide my profile and take the first two off :-) Take care, Rob T

I have eleven days until match.com runs out, and I can't figure out how to accept the six-month guarantee if they offer it without risking a renewal that I don't want to pay for. It's nuts how they obscure that. I am ready to be done for awhile - I had a woman I liked click on the "I'm interested" button in the daily matches and then ignore my nice e-mail. WTF? If I'm just going to be ignored, I should just take myself off the market until I have something better to offer, or at least better marketing language. Take care, Rob T

I get weirded out if a woman does *not* ask about my kids. Take care, Rob T

Following up: I have a couple of things this week that have helped. We're doing some planning on some short-term work, and I have offered to help with some of the analysis, which lead to a couple of short stints writing some analysis scripts. The small, achievable pieces have also seemed to be high impact and helpful to other people, and I have been mentally rewarding the hell out of myself for doing well with those. I have a tougher short-term task that everyone was expecting to be a bear - dreading it for me - which is looking fairly good right now. The guy who had to jump in and rescue the last guy to do this kind of thing has given me a few comments and they may have been enough, as I am closing in on it pretty well. My peers have noticed. That also feels good. What I am trying to reinforce here is to break down my tasks to smaller things and celebrate each completion; I know I have not always done that naturally. Take care, Rob T

POF seems really nutty right now - all of a sudden, the Raging Grannies seem to be after me. I got a number of messages last week from a woman in Denver who's ten years older and retired; I was polite and explained that the distance would not work for me, and best of luck. She appears to have forgotten she contacted me, and tried again this week with the same initial approach. Yesterday, I got a message from someone 18 years older, also a bit too far away. And my last nine profile views have included women 14, 11, 11 and 23 years older. This is not quite the demographic I would like to excite! I try not to buy into the norm of older guy/younger women, but I'm 54 and am starting to feel weird looking at women 45 or younger, and these gaps aren't more comfortable. Do I look that old? (Don't answer that!) Take care, Rob T

Perhaps not, but I am hoping to put this theory through clinical trials just to be sure :-) Take care, Rob T

Yes, I have this t-shirt too, Mizpah. I work for the benefits and the girls' college funds. Sometimes my skills fit well with a particular problem and I look good, and people like working with me - but I am no star. There was a promotion attempt by my last manager, and I was not really bought into it, because I know my profile is low outside my immediate workgroup. Take care, Rob T

It's hard. But real relationships do take some effort from both parties. I still get invited to things, but less often, and I know some contacts I am losing because I don't work to keep them. A goal for last calendar year, and this calendar year, was to invite friends to do things, you know, like friends do. I have not had much success. I don't have close friends now because I don't act like I want them. And I erect barriers, or let them stay, for example, the bathroom the guests would use is the one my daughters trash, and it is beyond me somehow to clean it or to get them to clean it. So obviously I can't have people over, right? If it wasn't that, it would probably be the deck needing to be swept. I have met the enemy and he is me. Take care, Rob T

Hugs, Maureen. Glad to hear about some of the nice rays of light! Take care, Rob T

Torn, that pleasuring woman was probably the fictional creation of some guy in an overseas boiler room whose goal was to extract money from your wallet. That happens, and has nothing to do with online dating except for camping out on that particular communications mechanism. You can get used to "smelling" them rapidly. What dating site was that? On match.com, they go 'poof' as their fraudulent credit card payments fail or as they are flagged and deleted. Take care, Rob T