RobFTC

Least popular suggestion ever, apparently.

I was thinking about how I interact with the board, and I had a suggestion, which I know could range from trivial to impossible to implement. We have a "Quote" button which we can use to create a public response to a thread post, with quoted text. Sometimes I would prefer to send that privately to the author I am quoting - I'd like a new button to build the quote and send a private message to that person. If I want to do this, especially with quoted text, it's really quite the pain to do thoroughly by hand. Something to consider. Thanks, Rob T

Five years for me in what seems like a few minutes. I am aware of the time in a way since I have tall girls in high school now, but yes, in another sense it seems like Michelle was here so recently. The time feels very odd and non-linearly now, it very much "Depends" now. Take care, Rob T

M, lots of hugs and prayers that you click with a great counselor. You have dealt with an overwhelming amount, and at some point, you can't make it all happen without help. Take care, Rob T

TooSoon, I hear you. I save time by sabotaging relationships before they get started (half-joking). Take care, Rob T

Well, you're making yourself wait, too, right? I am not sure whether you are waiting for you, your kids, or just because it all feels hard. All are fine, though figuring it out might help you relax into the decision. BTW, I don't like the tone of my prior reply, it should have been kinder. Rob T

You have kept the guy at quite a distance for quite a long time; sometimes I am surprised that he is still there for you. Do you really think the kids are better off with a Mom who is denying herself things that would make her life better? Do you really think the kids would not accept the guy, or that the churn would really hurt them? Do you really think they will be more amenable to his presence in your life years from now? I do know you have one child that is especially tough to deal with now. I am coming up on five years, and I wish I were only alone in the way you are, instead of like I am. Take care, Rob T

That seems quite a harsh judgement. I find it kind of a zoo at church on a Sunday morning, and trying to A) get time to talk to someone and B) to do it in so public a fashion does not work well for me. Plus we have multiple services and attendance isn't always reliable, so I have never been able to reliably click with someone in particular. For these reasons, I have in fact responded to ads on dating sites instead of trying to get it done in church. Maybe they thought of me as you do of this guy, but I'd maintain I had sensible reasons. Rob T

No, my third attempt at suggesting a time was ignored, so I am done. I did hear back from Mrs. Still Married, who was impressed with the way I worded my refusal to date a married woman and would like to get to know me more as a friend in some fashion. I have not sorted out my thoughts on that enough to quite know what to say. I could see an attachment developing when it should not, and could also see the banality of life killing all interest the same way that texting too much turns you into a zoo specimen and exposes the unattractive tics you have because you're so damned single. Other than Mrs. Married, I think I have no prospects right now (no frowny face here). That might be a good way to leave it for winter, really. I have some other things I really should fix in my life. Edited to add: I can step back from match.com, as I have contacted enough women to keep the six-month guarantee alive this month. As if I want to keep in going another six months, right? Rob T

Time for a vent from me ... So I met someone I liked in July, and we got several dates in. She's a musician and teacher with an easy smile and a great laugh, and we always seemed to talk well when we got together, but stuff like kisses really have been a fail. Our interest in each other seemed to get smaller as time went on. She's somewhat timid, which is not great for me, and has the idea that she could never imagine asking someone out, so tangible signs were not thick on the ground. She did ask me to a free world music concert/demo that was cool, but that was a little last-minute, and was after mentioning that she was doing it on a prior date. Last Friday at lunch, she mentioned that the concert I knew she's been rehearsing for was happening the next night, and didn't so much as hint that I might be welcome to show up and hear her performance. I have interpreted this as a finally fatal lack of interest. Fortunately, I wasn't too attached. So, onward. Two more opportunities came up. The first was a divorced woman that contacted me and seemed nice, and was initially up for meeting for coffee, but then thought we should talk on the phone first. We did that last night, and I thought it worked out, and we had plans to meet in person. Just now, she sent me a message stating that she felt sorry for lying, but that she was in fact still married and was struggling to accept that her marriage was over and file for divorce. I am not sure how to respond to that, exactly. Not the worst thing, but she admits that she'd love to reconcile, so I would have to trust HIS reluctance. The other opportunity is with a woman who responds with tiny and sometimes incomplete sentences to me. Her first response seemed interested, then her profile went down, and then she responded that she'd been out of town. I will replay her messages in their entirety since her return, with summaries of my messages in parentheses (can't give away all the Rob T magic!): -- Just got back from 2 week vacation (Cool, where?) National parks in the west (I liked Yosemite. Coffee maybe?) Sure (How about place X / time Y?) Can't have a meeting -- I am trying to figure out if she's just a crazy-busy professional barely stuffing all her tasks into 24 hours or if this is a filter to get rid of guys who are easily discouraged. I have not fully decided how much I want to find out. I guess it's early into my three strikes count. I am getting too old for this crap. I think I have better skills at all this than I had a year and a half ago, but it's hard to really prove it. My old friend the "It'll never happen" monster visits me regularly. It's anniversary season here anyway, so I am not really sure I should be out there. Hibernation plus gym visits may maintain my sanity better. Take care, Rob T

That guy cannot fathom how much you were really worth, and how much he lost. You will make it; I wish it was easier for you. I am glad you keep posting your hurts and your progress, I know I wonder about you. Take care, Rob T

Good to hear, dear lady!

Dear Michelle, I think your 49th birthday was on a Sunday. You were not very mobile, but we drove up to Estes Park to see the fall colours, and it was good. We stopped at the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory at the location that always felt like the one "real" one. After that birthday, stuff happened so fast. Final chemo turned into "sorry" two weeks later, then your last breath November 7. You would have been 54 today. You've missed a few things, but you could have predicted a lot of our trajectory. You expected us to be okay, and we are, though we all have some gaps and cracks - and me without any gold solder to make them precious. Your daughters are tall, smart and funny, and if they are a little prone to impatience (twin A) and squirrel! (twin B), it's probably also nothing that would have surprised you. They revealed stuff to me I wasn't sure I would know so early, but I think my reactions to those things worked and built up our relationships. I revealed one of your closely-held secrets to them as well; they were as awesome as you could want. I wish you were here to fete and fuss over. I wish you knew some stuff about what's been going on. Maybe you know some things - like the Spanish Peaks festival that has become my best thing, like the girls having Canadian citizenship now, like the girls experiences in two new schools. I have seen such changes in them. And I thought there was a lot of stuff I wanted to ask you before! Love always, Rob T

Avoid them? No way -

Does anyone still chat? I'm in.

Hi L, your MIL has all the class of a toadstool, but I am so glad that you and your Mom got her share. Hugs! Take care, Rob T

I am with you, calimom, Jill is awesome. I was fortunate enough to shake her hand and tell her that I thought she and her husband were role models to me the other year. Take care, Rob T

Sex is very important, but not the be-all/end-all. What I need most is an ability to talk about a wide range of things; good cuddling and other forms of touch; the warmth of friendship and support; and a world view that is compatible with mine. I don't know that I care about income, but attitude towards it should fit mine in the "world view" area above. I expect some shared interests, but it also seems important to have some stuff we each enjoy separately. Character is vastly more important than overlapping interests. We all have baggage; I would prefer a set that fits into most overhead compartments :-) Rob T

When Michelle and I married, we moved in together as newlyweds and could fight about the smallest things. And we were not very good at close-range fighting and negotiations with highly-emotional hearts on the line; heck, it had been years since either of us had had a roommate. We did some damage. We'd also come apart for awhile before getting engaged and married, and had some hangover from damage at that time. We did some counseling, but I think what helped us most was actively working, out loud, on better ways to handle things. We had matching books (copies of "Couple Skills" by McKay/Fanning/Paleg - highly recommended), and we used during or after conflict them to get better. Seeing each other do that was very good at restoring trust and comfort - we got a sense that we were NOT stuck. We got to be a couple that barely argued, made decisions easily with no looking back, and were darned good to each other. When you have your breakdowns now, do you think you could try mutually get into the habit of stepping back and thinking about what was upsetting, what the reactions were and what way might be better? Some of the most common issues can leave the deepest ruts, but can also give you the best shot at fixing things. You can make some progress on your own, but I think the magic happens when you both buy in and try in terms of an investment. Take care, Rob T

I have not figured out if I have any use for Match chat yet. So far, all the inbound offers feel like organized scammers, every last one. Take care, Rob T

OH yeah - male privilege protects us from a lot. There are a few stories about widowers getting bombarded by casseroles (didn't happen to me), but overall, I hear more predator stories. Which sucks, because I would like to know the status in the dating profile so I can grant the extra points. If widows contacted me, it'd be OK, but women don't really contact me unless they are 10 years older, 50 pounds heavier, or over 200 miles away. I wonder if the style is even different. Scammers and users hit me all the time, and they are pathetically easy to spot when you see a few patterns - I think organized groups and boilerrooms full of people messaging, with clear handoffs at different stages. I get Facebook friend requests, "wanna chat" on Yahoo Messenger, contacts on dating sites. They tend to be 20 years younger than me, usually are not close by to thwart actually meeting, and are quick to attach. They don't try to target me by matching my age or anything, it's just the same rote crap. Do women see patterns like this, or is it just us simple creatures? I imagine a lot more of the problem is actual local people? Or are your boilerroom people actually more subtle? Take care, Rob T

Sugarbell, a couple of Qs. What is he angry about, anyway? (Don't say if you shouldn't, just curious.) Does he need your help for rides to anywhere (could be leverage)? Can the car be pulled over to the side of the road for a bit when driving is criticized? :-) Take care, Rob T

From an old song: "I make it all right / from Monday morning to Friday night But oh, those lonely weekends!" Weekends are not so bad for me lately, but ... Rob T

Sigh, the child that knows all and is sure they know better about everything; that t-shirt fits! I have had some success with some things with my trying child; it's at least improved the noise and stress level here, and made it so I knew I would be able to stand being with her for vacation. You may do all of these already. - I can't really control what she does, only influence. But I can control me. - If I am telling her something and she interrupts, I usually just say I will tell her later. It helps make her want to hear. - I try not to talk with her when she is upset; just no point. I circle back when she's calm. - I try not to talk with her when I am upset; I just make it worse. I plan devious consequences instead :-) - A request will not meet with success if I don't like the tone in which is is delivered. - I choose to fight fewer battles, but find a way to win the ones I pick. - When she is willing to talk to me in a positive way, I listen like mad, trying to care as much about the content as I do about her, unless it's Pokemon, that ship has sailed! :-) Take care, Rob T

Hey PJ, my favorite part of your post was the word "us" in the subject line - I knew it would be good just from that 8) All the best! Take care, Rob T