RobFTC

Hi Trying, I know that loss of trust and a short leash are your natural reactions to their actions, but I would not call them natural consequences. Unless you can really calmly state a new set of rules that will be dispassionately checked while they are in "trust timeout", I think they would just see it as "Mom's all emo again". If they can blame it on you, it's not effective as it doesn't make them look at their decisions. I wonder if you can come up with some loss of privilege that gets them thinking more that way? In Sarah's case, she did the work of picking out a phone, which I lightly vetted and then ordered (but she will pay me back), and I haven't quite decided when she gets her Nintendo back. We talked about what-ifs: how would it have worked if she could have had me look for the phone that day, and how would it have been to be able to use Find My iPhone, etc. We also talked about whether she'd thought how long she could hide the unpleasant truth, and if she had thought ahead to a way out. Her lies are out of fear and avoidance, so I am hoping to make some progress on the tunnel vision she gets with something like this. We had one brain storm - part of her issue is that she has pants with crappy pockets that don't hold her phone well, and we realized we could replace the pockets with better ones. Michelle always railed at how women's clothing had either no pockets or crappy pockets, so she's got to be amused right now :-) Take care, Rob T

Fuchsia, I am so sorry that she is hurting, that you're hurting, and that you have to invent a new dynamic in your relationship (which can feel kind of like changing out a piston while the engine is running). I have one strong-willed daughter that I can butt heads with, and I have had to learn new strategies to lead us to better ways of interacting. It sucks to have to figure this stuff out alone. I loved TooSoon's post, it sounds very wise to me. I guess I would add: don't confuse love with letting her get away with disruptive things and making bad choices. She needs you to be her calm limit-setter on a few issues that really matter, and if the limits are wobbly, she can be more insecure. In the Love and Logic thread, there's some stuff you might want to consider. I think it's a way to enjoy your time together more, fight less, and keep those limits in a steady place without being an ogre. It's a grab bag of ideas, many which work well and some which I haven't had much luck with, but the stuff that works has been great for us. Take care, Rob T

Parenting is fun, part 67: Sarah lost her phone. Awhile ago. Possibly weeks ago. She said she stuffed it hastily in a pocket to catch the bus, and didn't have it when she got to school. Did she try to alert me so I could look quickly, or use Find My iPhone? No. Did she tell me? No, though she told her sister. But then she lied to her sister about it being found at school. Was she planning on covering up for awhile yet? Yes! She told me yesterday that it had run out of battery when she texted me from a friend's phone for a ride. Something sounded dodgy, so I tried to find her phone with the app, nada. So I asked her about it after school. She again said it had run out of battery, so I asked her to get it for me. And she finally came clean. It makes sense - she's usually on her phone, but has been on her Nintendo a lot more suddenly. I asked if she thought waiting would be a better deal; she knew she was probably making it worse. Consquences: - I require her to have a phone, and I bought the first one, so she will pay for the replacement. - I have her Nintendo until this is solved, so she won't be distracted. - She will shop eBay for another phone (though I will probably make the actual purchase and have her pay me back). I am not quite sure if I should do something about the lying, and if so, what would work. Thoughts, anyone? Thanks, Rob T

Today, I hit a milestone I doubted I could hit - I have lost 20 pounds since the start of October. Low-carb is still working for me; I really had to tough it out at first to detox my way out of some cravings, and I lost some ground and plateaued for awhile over the holidays. I mainly choose from breakfasts and lunches that work out of my food journal app, so I only have to focus on dinners. I'm keeping my foot on the pedal awhile longer. Take care, Rob T

MissingSquish, I hear you. I have had to get bigger baskets a number of times to hold all my fail :-) You have heard me write about some of it here. Just this week, I had a first date and a fifth date cancelled, and kept one first date with someone who did not feel like a match, taking me back to zero prospects (though either cancellor might show up again some time). The only good news is that all that fail gets lighter all the time, so while it's bulky carrying it around, it's not weighing me down that much. I am not sure how it might feel to recycle it should a relationship actually happen - that's maybe not even something I would know how to do. I'll burn that bridge when I get to it, I guess :-) Take care, Rob T

Well. Closing out the weekend, I thought I had three dates - a first date today with a woman I have been messaging with for awhile, a fifth date Friday with a woman I've got on well with before, and a first date with a widow who I expected to be "just friends" with. The first one cancelled on Monday, saying her Mom was sick and she had some bad job news and would not be good company. I might hear from her later on. The second one had already had to decline a date offer last week, and Friday was the rescheduled time, but she cancelled earlier today due to just being too busy. The third one I did meet, and I liked her but don't see a connection. Oh well, January started with great promise in other areas, so to heck with it. I kinda wish chat were still a thing we did here. Take care, Rob T

Why would you have to pick one faith? You can believe anywhere. The smartass in me wants to say that you're already of the same faith, since neither of you is petitioning to Cthulu. The philosopher in me wants to know if any of the differences in doctrine really matter to either of you, and how you talk about them, or whether things in sermons bother either of you. There are belief sets I would not consider compatible with mine, but I know the bridge from my Lutheran practice to Catholicism would be OK with me. But of course, I have no divorce barrier, either. As to models, a couple I like from our church simply alternates between our Lutheran church and the Catholic church, and they get two faith communities instead of just one. Yes, that means their ties are not quite as deep at either church. Take care, Rob T

Hugs, Mel. I know you loved him. Take care, Rob T

I should offer an update. I think a lot of stuff in the house has been better for awhile, and a lot of the reason is just that there's less conflict. I am asking for things to be done, and it's normal to get cooperation, even with some grousing from Twin A. I would still like them to be better about actually remembering the routine plan-and-execute-your-cooking thing, but it is better. The break was an important reset, but it also had us spending more time together, and friction was less. I also set the tone for a new start with a L&L line - "I've never been a parent of a fifteen-year-old before, so I know I mess it up sometimes." I have also tried to hand their grades firmly over to them - I want to look at them together every couple of weeks and ask what _they_ think and if they want to make changes. Hard to know how that's going just yet. A real triumph is what we got done over the break. Except for their room which will need another pass at some point, we went through most of the toys and girl things in the basement, family room, and spare room. And you should see what we donated! Bags and bags. A lot of it left last week, and there's another 9-10 bags plus a dollhouse to go. We went through games like the wind (don't worry, we still have plenty). They were good about sorting through stuff, and were very good about trying to get all the pieces of things together where possible. I asked for and got two hours of work per day, and I found they were great if I was generous with a break in the middle. I think they are doing pretty well with their finances. When they need stuff, they ask me for rides but put their own plastic down. They have plans for this year's cosplay/Halloween costumes, and I am seeing Miss R looking online and being creative and picky with what she considers. They also have not been close to missing the bus since the break. Some leash tugs: - when Rebecca missed a few things with trash last week, I had her do it again this week "for practice" and she did - when Sarah missed starting a slow-cooker meal without properly thinking about it, she got to put something on the table that night and try again the next night - I woke Rebecca up at 11pm to unload the dishwasher she'd said she'd unload, and just said "this isn't what you promised" Take care, Rob T

Grief is hard. But - she should not get by with treating you with disrespect or making you pick up pieces after her (after all, aren't you grieving too?). I would not count popping for gas too much if you can afford it easily, and if you talk and mutually decide the bathrooms don't need to sparkle this month, that's fine too. But I'd want to broadly showing her your example of putting one foot in front of the other and making it, and expecting her to do it too. Take care, Rob T

MrsDan, I'm sorry for the extra turmoil. I want to pick out a thread that I can relate to in your post. It sounds like one of the issues you have right now is how NG is amazing and earning your love, but that that's throwing your love of Dan into a "wtf?" spotlight. Dan was not always good, and Dan's drinking added tons of turmoil to your former life, but you loved him. My oldest brother took his life when I was 30, and it turned out that he did it the day he was due in court on some serious, unpleasant charges. We took his act as a guilty plea, for one, though that might not have been the case. I struggled for some time with revulsion at his probable misdeeds, my guilt at not being in better touch with him for some time, and the love I still felt for him. I finally worked out that he was still my brother and worthy of my love, despite the disappointment about how the last few years of his life had gone. My love was about me and my reactions to his best parts, and I didn't have to second-guess my love because of the worst parts. I have favorite memories of him that I have proudly shared with his kids, to their benefit. So you loved Dan, despite the hard stuff - of course you did, that sounds like what good partners do, and you were good. If you're taking Dan off a post-wid pedestal, that's OK, and it doesn't need to mean your love for him wasn't real and good. NG is a different guy with lots of merit, and he sounds real to me, so your loving him is something that can just live on its own. I know it's easier said than done, but you needn't compare and contrast, you can just enjoy the moment and hope for more moments. Or to put another way, you can count your current blessings without having to deduct something from the past. Take care, Rob T

Cancer sucks, part three. I hope all of these famous wids find peace soon. Take care, Rob T

"You should get over it"? He's a cretin. He's saying that you should take care of all that stuff away from his sight, thanks - and that's just not reasonable. There are far better people out there, and you can afford to wait for one. Take care, Rob T

Yup, ya gots ta laugh! 8) Take care, Rob T

Ah, the old "stuff it in the closet" trick, certainly familiar with that one. Or under the bed in the spare room, or dumped into drawers, etc. : Yes, consistency will take some work, but it should pay off. Regarding reminders, though - when I wake my girls up, it's not to issue a reminder, it's to tug on the leash - they had their choice of when to do the chore and blew it, so they now need to do it on my timetable. It need not be after their bedtime. If you say you would need it done by 10pm when you go to bed, that can be the time you tug on the leash. When she turns 18, I would think her full-time activities should be school, work, or preparing to live independently, and expectations about taking care of herself and paying rent if possible should ramp up. So yes, increasing responsibilities, but also some kind of end date. Take care, Rob T

HM, it's hard to let go of some things that are part emotional connection and part obligation. I hear you. I am glad you feel like you can let go and not force some things, and I know that letting go is its own issue for you, too. Hugs. Take care, Rob T

I saw that on OKCupid. I guess it goes with some of the couples I have seen on there looking to add a third, which also sorta fits the astonishing number of people listing as bisexual on there. All very interesting. Makes me feel way more vanilla than I actually am! :-) Take care, Rob T

She probably doesn't - she's a teen :-) But you still need stuff done. She's probably addicted to your reminders. I wonder if you can mention something like, "I'll need you to take out the trash by the end of the day" and then wake her up past her bedtime when she forgets? The wakeup would have to be gentle and kind, something like "This is so sad, it looks like you forgot to take out the trash, and it needs to go." The L&L folks want you to hope for them to fail at little things in order to learn the lessons that result, I am not quite there, but it seems like you should be able to oversee some good lessons :-) You're on the right track with her "freedom" - have you set any expectations about what happens when she's 18? Take care, Rob T

For a couple of years I have kept an IRC client running on my work machine so that I could pop in and chat, and it's been so unlikely to find someone. There was chatter about chatting over the holidays, but despite even mentioning a time, I never saw anyone. I figure I should mention that I have decided to just stop. I will try to remember to log in monthly or so to keep the channel alive, but am not sure how well I will do that. If anyone wants to take over managing the IRC channel, I would take applications. Take care, Rob T

Couldn't happen to a nicer woman, Leslie! Congrats :-) Take care, Rob T

It's hard. It's easy to feel like you're not doing this or that, that you SHOULD be doing. After my high blood pressure excitement this summer, I felt like I had to attack my habits and norms on several fronts. I make lists all the time, and it helps me to focus and not drop details. I can beat myself up when I fail, but I re-found my sweet spot, where I spend most energy focusing on the things I get right, while trying to limit what didn't to, "dang, I will have to try to do better at that tomorrow". Right now I am trying to manage how I had early success with weight loss but hit a plateau at -15lbs during the holidays. I am adding trips to the gym now, too, with a freshly-minted membership. Juggling the time for all I want to do it tricky, but I am trying to get a set of attitudes that work overall. One thing I know more clearly is that I am worth the effort, and setting up to have a healthier and more enjoyable life is important. I was not motivated enough just to be there for my kids, I had to have some personal skin in the game, too. Take care, Rob T

I get eyerolls, too :-) Does it help at all if you ask her questions (curiously, not like an interrogation)? That gets my girls to open up. "I don't know" can be an opportunity to offer to give them some ideas - offering first can avoid your words feeling like a lecture. Being a consultant is the goal. I still always have to talk about what needs to be done, they won't think of it on their own. I could move that line, but for now it is OK with me to lightly mention what I am doing and what I expect them to do and when. I have awakened them when I go to bed (an hour or more after their bedtime) to do chores that are time-bound, like taking out the trash or getting ingredients for the meals they will be cooking. Matter-of-fact this-is-what-you-said-you'd-do seems to work best. And they have done their own laundry entirely for some years now. A trap L&L books talk about is having kids in the position of honored guests that get catered to, instead of actual members of the family. It's important for them to pull some of the weight, and to fail and try until they get it right. Asking questions about what chores she thinks are fair might be an avenue to try. On enforcement, you have to say what you're going to do, not demand that they do something. "I provide with WiFi password to people who are current on their chores" is good if you don't find changing the WiFi password an enormous pain for yourself. I don't do that exactly, but I block external access to their devices at times. The main thing I wanted to do was model that you have an income of some kind that is not readily changeable, and expenses that might be. When you hit the wall and can't do what you want, and the only one you can blame is yourself, it prompts growth :-) So I fund their accounts, and that's all the access they have to my resources. I wasn't ever bad with money, but I remember how being underemployed after university and a month away from having to pack up and move back in with Mom & Dad was very good for my focus :-) Take care, Rob T

Here's what I am currently doing. This is a recent change, so data about effectiveness is scant. For many years, we used to pay them their age in dollars per week, e.g. through November last year my 14-year-olds got $14/week for allowance. That was a failure for a long time, as I would never have the cash and change to actually pay them weekly. I was just the Bank of Dad, and they would ask me to pay for stuff and I would try to track it in a note in my phone so I could deduct it. I'd pay them a check sort-of-regularly, and they would put it in their savings accounts. I would also just pay for their clothes and school supplies. Fast forward to now: they have their old savings accounts, but now have debit cards tied to their new checking accounts. I worked with them to figure out their needs, and wrote out a budget with the categories entertainment, clothing, school supplies and gifts and came up with an amount that I hoped would cover it. I have their accounts linked to mine, so I will transfer money in every quarter, in March/June/Sept/Dec. They can get cash or use their debit cards (no checks yet). I want them to pay for everything that comes up that doesn't involve all of us. Sarah needs a fee for art supplies and a protractor, so we're going to the ATM and then Target after dinner. Getting to "I'm paying you X and the rest is your problem" is the great simplifying thing I have wanted to do for awhile. I want it to be enough to have a little fun, but for it to be clear that bigger-ticket stuff like a car will require them to earn more income. For a car, we're not there yet and I am thinking about it. I will probably pick up insurance at their initial baseline and expect them to pay extra if they raise our rates will accidents. I will probably subsidize their first car - probably shared - and expect them to pay for gas and such (splitting that could be tricky). I will absolutely let the car sit idle if they run out of gas money, unless they come up with a "Shark Tank" quality pitch as to why I should help more. One more thing: they have some chores that are just theirs, and they do not get paid for them, it's just their family obligation. Taking out trash, keeping their areas clean and hitting their bathroom every so often, and unloading and reloading the dishwasher are on their list. I would consider paying them for extra work that I am doing or that isn't done enough now. Take care, Rob T

I have a niece who wants to keep in better touch than I can handle. She has problems with this. She told me a couple of different times that I should not post pictures of my dead wife on Facebook if I wanted to date. The last time it happened, I pointed out that it was getting the first date that was tough, not that I ever had someone look at my FB and bail. She reiterated that she was sure she was right, so I told her she needed to keep those thoughts to herself. There's a growing list of things I won't talk with her about, sadly. She is getting more of her own life under control, so this stuff may get better at some point. Take care, Rob T

I am far from any family, and the age dynamics of my family mean that most aunts are gone or preoccupied with their own health issues. But I had a wonderful experience from a roll-your-own family consisting of peers who were also widowed, here on the board but maybe moreso in a local wids group in which I happily found myself. We listened to each other and accepted each others' craziness, passed on warnings when we saw fit, and loved each other. That cohort of us is doing pretty well, even the ones who didn't follow your rules. Your path, once again, is not the only path just because it worked for you. Rob T