RobFTC

I had to go find it after I responded. Holy smokes! Take care, Rob T

I had a moment like that after I lost my brother when I was 30. This song was my first strong ray of light: Firesign Theater - nothing but the best absurdity! :-) Take care, Rob T

Hugs, Marian. Music reaches into my soul, and can sooth me, thrill me or turn me inside out. I tend to need all types :-) Take care, Rob T

Word, Mr. C. I wondered the same thing a few posts back. Your choices are your choices. Take care, Rob T

Threat? What threat? So you expect that your daughter-in-law should accept those traditions without question? Does "lose her" mean you WOULD be one of those in-laws who would abandon the widowed partner of their child because they didn't act as you expected? It *does* depend on the person, which is why hard-and-fast rules don't make sense. Expressing what we think is best and why is good, but even with my teens I can't expect them to adopt any particular ethical stance. Rob T

Sorry to hear that, imissdow. He should have cancelled ahead if he was really worried about your physique. Asking for a recent photo I get, but I would not act like this about it. I had three possibilities before Christmas - a woman I had dated twice, a woman who had just moved, and a woman who was going out of town but would be back for the final week of December. OK, I guess four - but one surprised me by needing dinner on our first date and then switching a lunch date at the last minute to a Benihana-like place($60) and making vague statements of regret about the cost, so I wasn't that excited to call her again. The moving lady punted to next week, which is fine with me. The out-of-towner seemed pretty interested before Christmas, but has read a couple of my messages this week without replying, so I feel a little stood up myself. But the third date is close to set with the one I have met, and she's the most straightforward and communicative of the lot. So it could be going as it should. Take care, Rob T

I am so sorry you're hurting. But I am alarmed that you are so mad that you are cussing her out. She's guilty of being tactless, and of the hubris of assuming she can be an expert in something she can't possibly imagine. I don't know why it would be important for her to share that with you. THAT SAID, what she says does not sound crazy, or unfaithful, or mean, just something she need not have shared with you. There is nothing magic about a waiting a year, many here know that. She might feel close enough to you that she thought she could say this stuff to you (a bad call from a DGI). What about what she said makes you mad? I bet one reason is the implication that she could handle what you went through better (see hubris, above), but what else is in there? I would hope you can understand what bugs you so much to preserve your relationship with the person that now rightly matters most in your son's life. Would it have been better if you had found a way to end the conversation before you got so mad? Trying to bristle and convey with your body language that you didn't want to have the conversation didn't work, might saying that out loud have been better? I know that is not easy. These words came to mind. "Look, it's really hard for me to listen to you on this topic, and may always be. I also don't think you can know what it might feel like in advance, so your words sound a little judgmental about the way I handled it, which is not welcome. I'd like to stop discussion on this topic now." Something like this said to mark your boundaries may help, too. I hope very much that your holidays improve from here. Take care, Rob T

It is becoming more the norm to swap cell phone numbers earlier and going to texting. I like texting for short communications ("Hey - running late"!), but will not get into heavy conversations again, still got burn scars from that. One woman would text back and forth for a half-hour but refuse to answer the phone ringing in her hand when I'd call - that's just ridiculous. A Google number for voice is good, but can you text to those? For those on match.com, they have a low-cost option to give out a virtual number that routes to you without your real information being exposed. That's probably also voice-only. I am mixed on whether or not I want to talk to someone on the phone before I meet them; I am pretty happy just meeting in person if that feels OK. But I am good on the phone, and don't mind when someone wants to prequalify that way. A couple of times when I have sensed skittishness, I have given out my number and let women know that calling me with caller ID blocking would be fine. Take care, Rob T

So I thought my kids were oddly non-busy on Christmas Eve - I would normally expect company in taking some surreptitious time to go stuff gifts into gift bags and stuff stockings. There was a reason - they hadn't got gifts for each other or for me. I asked Sarah if she was all set with gifts and she said she'd tried to buy stuff but her debit card was out of funds. She had meant to tell me, she said. She had a savings account and can transfer money herself a couple of different ways, but didn't think about that. Rebecca got up later and came down and apologized for simply forgetting to get me a gift, she'd been shopping without a list, etc. They both got stuff for their friends, of course. It helps fractionally that they didn't buy for each other, either. I paid the sitter to take them shopping, too. I wonder if they will ever think of me for gift giving? Maybe when they are in relationships and their SOs are appalled that they don't usually do this? Do your teens buy gifts for you? Take care, Rob T

Hi folks, I'm waiting for my teens to get up for our eventual gift opening, and wondering what others are up to. I have my morning coffee, am wearing brand new cushy socks and my fuzziest warm shirt, and I have a Trailer Park Boys Christmas special on TV. Nothing but the finest for me! :-) We have a duck to roast for dinner, and Sarah wants to try her hand at scalloped potatoes and Rebecca wants to do a maple-oat banana bread from the Thug Kitchen cookbook (she likes it especially because of all the cusswords). Whatever you're up to, I hope this day brings more positive memories than regrets and loss, and that your personal and/or family time is wonderful. Take care, Rob T

Hugs Jess, and Merry Christmas to you and all. May we all find some peace in the season! Take care, Rob T

I thought you were a better negotiator than that :-) No reason a man worth having shouldn't be able to more than keep up after himself. Take care, Rob T

Hey Candace, good to see you and hear about some good stuff, and I am sorry for the bad. Hugs, as always. Take care, Rob T

This stuff is in my thoughts again. One of the girls' good friends has been rocked in the last week or so - her middle-school-aged brother got into his Dad's gun safe and pointed a gun at himself. This was out of the clear blue. He did not complete, 911 happened, and he spent some time in a facility to get his "mental broken bones" splinted. This is a family that I really like from what I have seen, the girls have spent nights over there, parents seem awesome, the friend has been here and is a sweet and fun Disney-sparkly girl. It reminds you that it can happen to anyone. I am planning that when I see any of them, I can treat them the same way I always have while opening a channel to talk about the suicide in my family to let them know I can go there, because probably not that many will. Also proud that there's no damned guns in this house. Take care, Rob T

Hi folks, In the spirit of shouting about good things when they happen, a cool thing happened yesterday. We were talking about their future mates, and I said, "hey, I will try to find good things to like in whoever you bring home, like my parents did and like my sister does all the time." Rebecca said, "I know, I think I got my 'liking most people' from you." What? My tough-ass kid saying something good about me? You could have knocked me over with a feather! :-) Maybe this parenting deal is going to work out OK after all!!! I am 25% through the "Parenting Teens with L&L" now. I am internalizing some things, but I am going to have to go through the book again while taking notes on areas of particular focus. I think I have consequences plotted out for Rebecca's late dinners and late showers, but I will offer her a chance at input before just imposing stuff. I am really liking the consultant model; what's botched it for me recently was that if they didn't make what I thought was the right decision, I would prod them about it. Gotta stop THAT right now. Take care, Rob T

I am in Northern Colorado (the "FTC" in my handle is for Fort Collins). We have a local young wids Meetup group. Take care, Rob T

I think the best couple of ideas so far: - your best value to your child is to be a consultant - asking questions and offering advice, but letting kids make lots of decisions (in contrast to helicopter parents who rescue kids from all bad things and drill sergeants who give lots of orders) - asking the child what they think and how they will decide is a great thing for teens, especially The book so far has focused on the basics and bent them only slightly towards teens, but it's been a good refresher. Take care, Rob T

Slick - I may have to try that! :-) So I read a decent bit of "Parenting Teens With Love And Logic" on the plane today (I'm in Austin for a quick work meeting). I am remembering just why my parenting norms of late are not working, and after the tears, it's a good thing. Never too late to change. Take care, Rob T

I advocate embarrassing your kids! It's one of the best things about being a parent! :-) Take care, Rob T

Big enveloping hugs, SR. Take care, Rob T

I believe in God. But I don't in any way believe every little thing that goes on is ordered by, or even OK with, God. Lots of random chance happens, and determines major outcomes, and God is picky about intervening. This either/or thing I think trips up a lot of folks. Another thing is that if there is a God and an afterlife, death that rocks us has to mean something VERY different from God's perspective. I am never quite sure where I am with my faith. I probably have more "am I nuts?" moments than I used to have. I sometimes want to quit going, or to try another church, especially with one girl turned atheist and one far more interested in sleeping than attending. But I had an encounter once, and keep going back to that. Take care, Rob T

It can. If you have something that he relies on, making it unavailable with more of a "this is so sad" tone rather than an angry tone can encourage thoughts on his actions and not yours. Some stuff I have taught the girls to own with this kind of thing. They tend to ask, "would you be willing to drive me there" instead of saying I have to do it. Another idea from L&L is "no sense both of us worrying about this", i.e. if you're giving reminders, he doesn't have to pay attention to time since you're the ultimate smart clock/calendar. If you were to stop serving that role, he's got to pick it up. Of course, you need to work out what happens when he misses the bus - it should be just a little uncomfortable :-) She did - it was nice. And I am glad that went down without issues. She got Spotify Premium back on her birthday yesterday because I've felt less pushback :-) Take care, Rob T

I should follow up. Dinner was ready just before I hit "Post" on this message. When I sat down, Rebecca apologized and said she had had legitimate needs in the bathroom, so I accepted that with grace and we had a good meal together. Sometimes I misdiagnose things, too. Take care, Rob T

This sounds very true. I have absolutely been adding fuel to her oppositional energy by reacting with anger and adding consequences. The other night I was on her for starting a shower late again, and she said, "Can you please wait until I'm late getting out of the shower to get on me about this?" And she took a short shower to get out at the time we'd talked about, which I thought her incapable of doing. So last night when she seemed to be running late, I said, "You're welcome to use this shower if you're out by 9pm." And she made it. So yes, I think backing off some of my reactions is very helpful right now. If there's another late shower, I think I will make a sign about her being welcome to use this bathroom again on such-and-such a date. Take care, Rob T

No, that's Sarah. Rebecca is just affected by the usual hormones :-) I do account for Sarah's organizational skills and executive functioning when she's late or having issues, for sure. Take care, Rob T