Trying

I am recently remarried and we will all spend Christmas Eve with my late husband's family. I have always hosted but asked my sister in law to take over this year. Christmas Day my mom comes up and we just hang at home. Current husband's parents have both passed and his 3 sisters spend Christmas with their own families. It works for us.

I am very sorry for your loss and the many unanswered questions the circumstances leave you with. I hope you find the support here that I have.

For me I think it was reality setting in. In the beginning I was on auto pilot and trying to keep things the same for my kids. I soon realized there was no way it would ever be the same. I withdrew from family and friends a lot (not something I recommend) and started thinking more about the future. The permanence of life without him was sinking in and I made some selfish and unwise decisions trying to make myself feel better. On a more positive side I did start to function better at work and started to get small things accomplished. The big thing is to manage your expectations and continue to be kind to yourself. 6 months is still very early days.

I ended up being off for 3 months and went back right after the holidays. I would say it was too long to be off because I needed the structure of work to fill my days but I had some difficult issues to work through with DHs business that had me hours at a time on the phone and then hours after curled up in the fetal position. If you have the option to start part time I would do that.

I remember how hard one year hit me and how shocked I was that it could still hurt so much. The build up had me reliving all of the horrid details of the last weeks and days before he died. When the anniversary came I was struck by the fact that all of the firsts were over. I had thought there would be a relief in that but instead there was just more pain and emptiness. Things did start to improve in that second year as the waves of grief became less intense with longer periods of calm in between over time. We all need to let go of the idea that grief has some sort of timeline and ignore the subtle pressure or judgement of friends and family. Hugs to you Dragonfly. You've got this, even when it doesn't feel like it.

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time, we are here for you.

I think Portside is right. It may be an incredibly uncomfortable conversation but you must have it. This isn't some random hook up, you are friends. Have the conversation. He most likely feels as confused and uncomfortable as you and will be relieved you've brought it up. If there are real feelings there then it could be great if not then you don't want to lose the friendship over a drunken lonely night. Good luck!

I have recently started saying "late husband" which I had hated for a long time. I tried saying "first husband" but didn't like that it could be interpreted as divorced or a choice that he was no longer my husband. I agree with Serpico about respect. Current husband respects my relationship with my inlaws and late husband's presence in our family so of course I need to respect his role as my current husband. I am also slowly changing my last name which is weird but he respects that I'm using my late husband's last name as my middle name now. It ties me to my 3 sons and 24 years of my adult identity.

I agree that it's way too premature to involve your son. The fact that you are not sure if you are even ready to meet her yet speaks volumes. It is so difficult to experience the grief of our children and to not be able to take the pain away from them. You owe it to yourself, your son, and this woman to not rush things just because you want to give him a mother figure. Let things unfold between the two of you and see where it goes. Best of luck to you.

I said I would never change my career and it never would have occurred to me that I would open my own business. When he knew he was dying and said "when you marry again..." I said I would never, and here I am, married. I said I would never move until youngest graduated highschhool, I moved (only across town) when he was in 6th grade. Then there is the "I will never smile again" "I will never fall asleep without crying" "I will never forget every detail about his illness and dying" Many days I wonder who am I?

"Caution, contents under extreme pressure and could explode without warning"

Grief can make the crazy even crazier! It's awful that they chose to essentially end the memory of his life at the time before he met you. As hurtful as it is I would agree with the others and just stay silent about it, well at least to them and the school. You can scream to the moon here and we will hold this space for you. You know who you were to each other and that's what really matters. Try your best to block yourself from the whole thing. Other than that, grab some old dishes you can throw if you need to let it out.

I am thankful that everyone who is close to me is healthy this holiday season.

Mine are still my inlaws. It can sometimes confuse new people to my life, especially since I have remarried. My current husband’s parents are both dead so I don’t have 2 MIL or FIL. My SILs kids call new husbands kids their cousins. I think it’s great, I’m happy for any positive family relationships.

What Tybec said^ “You” implies the couple. Apologies if that wasn’t understood.

We had our 5 kids, our siblings, and my mom. We included our immediate family because, well, we like them, lol. It was also important for me that they all got to see our 5 kids being happy for us and with each other and the vows we made to each other's kids. If we didn't get along or felt unsupported by our families I would have done it without them no problem. You get to decide what is right for you and who you want to share this special moment with. One thing I suggest is to make it special and meaningful for the two of you. Initially I didn't want any fuss or ceremony but H. suggested it should be treated as an important event because it is. In the end I wrote the ceremony myself and we each wrote our own vows. I felt like we really honored our love and commitment to each other. You can make it meaningful in a court house, a backyard or a chapel and the two of you get to define what makes it meaningful. Like you said, life is too short.

Newgirl I am sad to hear your parents treated you this way. I truely hope she comes around at some point before the kids get much older because I don't want them having resentment towards her that clouds their life. They are great little boys who deserve to be loved by all of us, it's not their fault their parents divorced and they shouldn't have to pay the price. She continues with her craziness and they go back to court next week. He just needs to have the custody thing settled and in writing so she realizes she can't just call all of the shots. The sad thing is that their youngest, first grade, has a parent day at school the day they go to court so neither of them can be there. I will be going so he isn't upset and I'm sure he will be happy to have me but it really should be one or both of them, these times are precious and don't last forever.

I used to get very angry about this topic and the comparisons divorced people would make with me. I still get annoyed at times. Our children are not luckier because one parent is dead. Divorced parents can choose to have cooperative parenting, we can't. Divorced parents get "time off", usually a few days each week, to find their way in adult life as a single person, we do not. Marrying a divorced person and watching my SIL go through a divorce I now realize a few things about the other side. I can look back at 20 years of marriage with happy memories, divorced people look back and see they made a poor choice in partner or with anger over how things turned out. We have control over how our kids are raised, divorced people have no control over the situations, people and values their kids are exposed to 50% of the time. I can spend every holiday and birthday with my children, divorced people may miss half of these special days. Both situations suck, in different ways. The big difference is that one is by choice and the other is by bad luck. My current husband in the heat of an awful battle with his ex and full of frustration said "I wish she was dead!" I could totally see where he was coming from because she was being horrid to him but my reaction was " I love your children too much to ever wish that". Different perspectives.

Thank you for sharing this JustMom. I'm sure it was painful to go back to read those feelings from early days but hopefully some peace to see how far you have come with the help of your faith. Leadfeather I love your attitude and your thoughtful intention with your prayers of gratitude. I tried to do similarly that first year but admittedly failed more than succeeded at feeling gratitude over hurt and anger.

It's funny but it's way easier to think of his annoying habits than my own because like Maureen I'm pretty perfect, right? He would get annoyed by my procrastination. He took care of things immediately while there are certain things I tend to mull over or put off, and put off and put off some more. I can't remember names and he always had to prompt me in social situations or his work events. And of course it got a bit annoying I'm sure that I am ALWAYS right. Because of course I am. Why couldn't he see that? Lol

The grief for you mom won't look like the grief for your DH but don't minimize it. Be gentle with yourself during this time and be patient with the mood swings and emotions. You have had quite a year with selling your home, moving, being a caregiver for your mom, navigating a new relationship and now your mom's death. It's probably not a great time to analyze your relationship with NG with any real clarity. Take what support he can offer but take care of yourself. We can be strong and fragile at the same time.

I'm glad your mom is finally at peace and that you were able to be there for her for so long. Sending you hugs as you face these tough days ahead.

It definitely goes both ways. DH2 told me early on that his ex didn’t care about traditions and would give him money for birthdays (he was the bread winner). I happen to love holiday and birthday traditions so that is easy and I do at least a small wrapped gift even if the main gift is a sporting event or concert tickets. Our first dating Christmas I put socks and underwear in a stocking and he was very touched saying no one but his mother ever gave him socks and underwear. It’s the little things.

My first husband was big on gifts but short on emotions and affection. At some point pretty early on in my relationship with my now DH2 I became pretty honest about what did me did not work in my marriage. I wanted him to understand that my lack of self esteem was in part due to my first husband's lack of desire for intimacy during the second half of our marriage. He never told me I was pretty or made me feel desirable. He never just bought me flowers for no reason or swept me in his arms for a passionate kiss. His Expensive gifts felt empty. As a result of my honesty my current husband makes a point to voice compliments not just assume they are understood. He makes me feel beautiful and desirable. He has even a few times bought me flowers for no reason. When I say that Imwould rather spend time together doing something special than receive a gift he knows I mean it. My advice is to be honest about what you need from a relationship. If being spoiled a little with a gift matters because in the past you were hurt by never being treated special then let him know. Gifts don't need to be expensive to be thoughtful. Maybe it's too late for this birthday or feels awkward because of how you already responded but at some point you should have this conversation. Most men want a road map on how to make their woman feel loved and appreciated.

Congratulations! I know this has been weighing on you a long time, I wish you nothing but the best moving forward.