Trying

I've made social isolation into an art form for the last 4 1/2 years! I'm not sure when it went from self preservation to unhealthy. I'm not sure now how change the pattern.

Needytoo I don't think you are selfish at all. Maybe you saw DH not giving you gifts as a symbol of him not really cherishing you and NG not making any mention of V day brings up those insecurities. Makes perfect sense to me. Give this guy a chance and explain to him where you are coming from and why. He may then open up to you too and you might both have better insight on what the other needs. You owe it to yourself to see how he responds to you being open and honest.

Needytoo I am so glad you have made lots of plans with friends, it's important to have a good circle of support and people to have fun with. As far as holidays and special occasions I think it's a good idea to talk about it in advance when you are in a relationship. When current DH and I were dating I let him know what I wanted or expected for days like Valentine's Day ahead of time, I also asked what he expected or wanted. We both agreed no gifts, a sweet card and dinner on a night convenient to both us. I think waiting until too close to the day makes it very awkward and someone is probably left disappointed and hurt. Your NG should be told that you were hurt by your husband's lack of attention to you on holidays so he can understand why you need some acknowledgement. I know we often think that someone so close to us should just know what we need but that's not really fair. I wish you a Happy Valentine's Day and I hope you enjoy your time with your friends, those relationships deserve special acknowledgement too!

I would definitely get a good local realtor. Most likely they will say to sell as is if the needs are as extensive as you to bring it up to date. Decluttering, if you’re like most of us, is probably the best thing you can do, give the illusion of ample storage space. The worst part of living in the house while trying to sell is keeping things neat and clean all of the time for last minute showings. My method of shoving stuff in closets for company didn’t work because potential buyers look in closets!

I agree with Toosoon. We thought we had everything prepared, Tim was a financial advisor and helped many clients prepare and deal with the aftermath of death so he knew a lot and he had us meet with our attorney to get everything set. There were still unforeseen headaches to deal with. But, I will forever be grateful that our wills, power of attorney, medical proxy, life insurance, mortgage and property were handled ahead of time. He changed his mind towards the end of how he wanted his ashes dealt with Jt we had discussed our wishes long before he got sick. For my mom the major thing for her was that my Dad took over paying all of the bills when he retired and did it all on the computer. My mom had no clue how to access the online stuff and having to learn that in the fog of grief was stressful. So... legal stuff up to date every 5 years or so Life insurance Property and bank accounts in both names Burial/cremation/funeral wishes discussed All passwords shared A book of household maintenance schedule and who to call when something breaks Both partners need to know about bills and finances Emotionally, there is no way to prepare but I suggest never leaving anything unsaid, say I love you every day and mean it, don't go to bed or leave the house angry because you never know and you don't want that to be the last words between you. Good luck with this, I'm sure it won't be an easy thing to do but if you help someone it will be worth it.

Thanks everyone, so many of us going through similar things is always somehow comforting. My current DH has always been supportive of my grief and gives me the space on the tough days that I need. He admitted last night that Tim's birthday is hard on him. He understands the boys and I wanting to have dinner out together but it's awkward for him sitting at home and reading many FB posts about what a great guy he was is understandably uncomfortable. He was reluctant to share his feelings with me because he supports our need to keep Tims memory alive but I could tell his mood was off. I can't pretend to understand how it feels to marry someone who didn't choose to stop being married to their first spouse. Tim and I shared 25 years together and even though he knows I am happy with him now he also knows I miss my old life. Hopefully I make him feel loved and secure enough all of the other days of the year.

The boys and I went out to dinner at his local favorite tonight. The idea of him being 50 seems impossible. He was 45 when he died and 50 seemed so far away, we would've planned something BIG. A family trip, to get our 19 and 21 year old to reconnect with us and their little brother. A big party with friends and family where Tim would be so busy playing host and making sure everyone else had the time of their life. His40th was the only time I got away with making a fuss about his birthday and looking back I feel like he somehow new it was his last big milestone. There were many times he made side comments that he wouldn't live to be 50, that he wouldn't get a chance to grow old. I always dismissed him but now I think he somehow knew.

Whether you choose to see it as a sign from John or just a wonderful reminder of the wise and caring man he was, it's beautiful. Fingers and toes crossed you get good news on the job soon!

Bunny I think you hit it for me. Sometimes I really need a good cry and this show gives me the excuse and the trigger to let it go. I watched last nights episode too and the tears were much less but still there. I don't give myself much time anymore to reflect on my loss and the scars it has left. The kids and I talk about him and something brings him to mind every day but I don't often let the pain and sadness in. When I watch a TV show or movie or hear a real life story about someone losing a spouse too young, my empathy for the widow/er is stronger than the walls I have built up. At least this show gives me a chance to feel it in private and at a time I'm prepared for it.

His birthday is this week also and I think even though I didn’t realize it was weighing on me, it is adding to my extra emotional state.

Watching this show last night after the super bowl was a bad idea, it brought the pain of 4 1/2 years ago right back. I cried all night and am a big puffy mess this morning. We always had a big Super Bowl party. So little in my life is the same as it was back then and for the most part I have accepted that but last night I really missed him and I missed us.

Thinking of you and sending support.

I really feel your pain Needytoo. My oldest is 21, dropped out of college, moved home with very little motivation and definite depression that he was unwilling to address. After several blow ups for poor decisions and lack of forward motion I forced him to go work for his Dad's cousin and to move out after a few months working. He feels much better about himself, our relationship is better and he is still struggling financially a bit but I do not bail him out. Middle son is 19, decided college wasn't the right place for him and moved home to go to school to become an electrician. He is in school full time and works. I have offered to pay for cell phone and car insurance until he graduates. Much more financially responsible and goal oriented than his brother but very judgmental and difficult to live with. He decided right before Christmas that living with the rules I and current DH have was not acceptable to him and he moved in with his brother. It was a big and hurtful blow up that had me in bed crying for a day. None of this is easy. We know we have done our best under difficult circumstances to raise these boys into men. I can only hope they some day see it. If I had been more strict and less enabling from the time their Dad died it may have gone easier for all of us. But in my grief and feeling helpless to lessen their grief I allowed them to get away with too much. They are paying the price but so am I. I'm trying to turn things around now but the backlash is hard to take sometimes. My youngest is 13 and very well adjusted right now. I am past the fog of grief and know I need to be a better parent for his teen and young adult years than I was for his brothers. He only had a dad for 9 years so I really need to step up my game parenting him with the purpose of guiding him to be a happy, productive and independent man some day. If your oldest has enough money saved to buy a car he can save up for first and last months rent plus security deposit and be out before summer. My personal opinion (which is tainted by my own experience) is that he will continue to disrespect you if he is in your home and paying for groceries won't make up for that. I know from your many posts that you are trying to change the pattern of putting yourself last that has long been a part of your life. Giving him a date to move out is what is best for him to become a responsible adult and what is best for you to put an end to being a doormat. It's not selfish, think of it as finding balance. Any time you need someone to be on your side and encourage you I will be here for you because I get it.

jgib, sending you hugs today. Expect the unexpected sums up how this journey has been for me. I hope all of your new changes give you something positive to focus on.

Current DH just finally got his court settlement and got everything he asked for, 50-50 with the kids as it should be but she has been denying him. She lost on all of the counter suits she filed in revenge for him filing for new custody agreement. She looked like such an ass on the stand, admitted to lying on taxes, government documents and court documents about her income stating "I didn't think I needed to include all of the money I make under the table". When the judge asked her why she was asking for money she claims he owed her from 3-4 years ago she admitted she never asked him for it, has no receipts, and has never in 5 years given him a monthly invoice and receipts that the court ordered her to do. She told the judge she never asked him for the money because she thought it was a "waste of her time" but not a waste of time to bring it the court. Judge also ordered her to remove them from free state insurance because he has always covered them on his insurance and to remove them from free lunch program because he always has funded their lunch accounts. I just wish there had been some legal repercussions for all of her fraud but at least it's over. The anger and game playing is so hard to comprehend.

Welcome to our group that no one wants to need. Having someone who understands what you are going through is a big help, if nothing else it lets you know you aren't crazy when the emotions get erratic. I always found that the anticipation of those important dates was much harder than the actual day. When the date arrives you realize it's just a day, hard and unpredictable like any other. The ash container sounds beautiful, what a wonderful tribute to put your heart into creating.

I'm so sorry, sending you a hug and prayers for your family.

Toosoon I am glad you are finally taking sometime for yourself, all of that stuff we avoided dealing with for so long is just sitting there waiting for us. It seems like for many of us who soldiered on and "stayed strong for the kids" there is a lot of personal and emotional price to be paid. I was fortunate to be able to take off 3 months after DH died but spent much of that time dealing with difficult issues related to his business and trying to keep things "normal" for my kids. Crazy when I look back now because of course nothing was normal. From the beginning I did not want to be pitied and did my best to appear strong and in control. I kept everyone at arms length for fear they would see behind the curtain and realize what a mess I was and how I was incapable of preventing the very real struggles my children were facing. I am remarried now too and while I thought on some level that being partnered up again would solve many of my solo parent issues and trying to manage a household alone I really had no clue. Yes it's wonderful to have someone to come home to and someone to share responsibilities with but my parenting issues are still mine and mine alone because of the age of my kids. Now I have someone who has gotten behind the curtain and he is as quick to point out my failings as he is to praise my successes with my kids and managing the household. He also comes with his own burdens (a crazy ex, 2 small children and a lengthy custody dispute) that I must share in. Marriage has taken some things off of my plate but has also added many more. I don't want to sound like I am not grateful to have found love again because I most definitely am. But it's messy and complicated and makes me miss being with someone who I started my adult life from scratch with. I miss parts of the old me even though I appreciate other parts that are an improvement. The "couldas" and "shouldas" are a slippery slope that I try to avoid dwelling on but they do creep in. I hope some day to get to the point of letting myself off the hook for the bad decisions I made in the wake of grief and fully accepting my new life for what it is.

New normal...it was so hard to imagine in those early days and impossible to pinpoint when it takes hold. I'm glad to hear you are able to say you are enjoying more moments in your life now, that is a blessing. I don't often let myself wonder how life would be different for my boys and I if we hadn't suffered such loss, there are so many variables. Keep embracing all of the joy and surprises life has to offer.

Think of it as a learning experience. You are learning what you want and don't want. You're learning what you are able to give to a relationship as much as what you are ready to receive. Dating should be about getting to know someone and seeing if it's a fit. If it's not, no harm, no foul. Of course I say this as someone who was not ready to date in any way post widow and fell into a relationship with someone from my past before I had a chance to even think about dating or what I might want in a future partner. I lucked out but on paper, he would never have made it past a first look at his bio.

Plenty of snow here too. I will be teaching my 13 year old how to use our new snow blower later! My current DH plows town roads one town over and has been gone since 2:00 am, I don’t expect to see him until tomorrow.

Deep breaths! I can relate to a brain that won’t stop with the “what if...”s. I did so much of that in my chapter 2 that it really interfered with happiness at times. I don’t know how to tell you how to just go with the flow and live in the moment because I struggle with that myself. The best you can do is to enjoy getting to know each other, keep a little guard up, it may last and it may not but you won’t know until you try.

Just when I think my guys crazy ex is over the top, your stories remind me it can always be worse! She definitely sounds mentally ill.

I kept late husband's last name as my middle name and new husband's as my last name. My maiden name was mine for 24 years, my first married name also 24 years but has more meaning to me because of my 3 children. No one has said it is weird, at least not to my face!

I know I am not the same person I was before my LH died. There are few positive changes in me but definitely more not so positive changes. I don't know that it is "problems with grief" or just consequences of grief. I think once you get past a certain age any lost relationship, through death or divorce, is going to affect future relationships. Maybe we have trouble trusting or being vulnerable with someone new or may be we appreciate love so much more because we know how precious it is. If the lost relationship was negative we may be pickier and not want to settle the next time around. I flip flop between not wanting to be labeled or pitied as a widow to wanting to scream at some people "don't you know what I've been through!!??!!" What's normal anyway?