Trying

Life is definitely not fair! I am so sorry your daughter has to live with this awful disease and my heart is with you as a mom. With my sons IBD and incurable liver disease I can totally relate to the "why couldn't it be me" feeling. We do everything we can to protect our kids and keep them healthy and something like this happens that we have no control over. When the the dust settles and she is home from the hospital I hope you are able to connect with other moms of kids with the same diagnosis. It was so helpful to me in the beginning for practical advice and emotional support sort of like this group here. I know the last last thing you feel right now is "strong" and putting on a brace face for your daughter is taking every ounce of energy in you. Give yourself the moments you need to break down, take any little bit of support you can from those around you and trust that your fierce maternal love will give you the strength you need when you feel you have none left. Drink water, eat something and try to get some sleep. One day, one Hour, one minute at a time.

This was the first year no one acknowledged our anniversary, not my kids, not his family or mine. I didn't do the usual FB post out of respect for my new DH. He is usually really good about remembering those significant dates but for obvious reasons this year he barely knows what day of the week it is let alone the date. I'm past the pity party and glad no one, other than all of you, knew I had one.

My heart goes out to you. I have 3 boys and my older 2 had a very hard time when I got involved in a relationship, it was downright ugly at times. I can't give great advice because I didn't always handle it well but everyone is in a much better place now. We are married, my youngest, now 14, has a great relationship with him, oldest is 21 and out of the house and has a good relationship with him, my middle one has been the toughest but seems to have reached acceptance now. I think the best you can do is express empathy for her feelings while standing firm that you are the adult making the decisions and doing nothing wrong or disrespectful to her father.

For the most part I am happy in my current marriage and in my life as it is now. Most of the time I miss DH is related to our kids, those happy milestones he is missing and the tough times he isnt here to help with. New DH is a great man and we are building a wonderful life together. However... last week we had a major storm, a tornado, and it was devastating to our town. We were fortunate and had no damage to our home, cars or people. We had no power or water for 4 days and a few big trees down, it was tough getting around but others had it so much worse than me. My late DH was the man you wanted around in any type of emergency or disaster. New DH works for the highway department One town over so he worked straight through the first 4 days a day is still working overtime. I missed being part of a team and having a man around to do the heavy stuff. My 19 year old was around for part of it and he and my 14 year old did a lot but some things they just don't know enough about and new DH being exhausted and cranky when he finally came home (and rightly so) for a few hours was critical about how we handled certain things instead of acknowledging that we were used to having a man in charge and did our best. He's gone during every snow storm plowing and it hits me the same way. Late DH spoiled me and there are certain things I never learned to do (run a chainsaw, hook up a generator, run a snow blower) that I have to learn on my own with no help. I'm a feminist in many ways but I have to admit I really like having a man doing that type of stuff for me and wish I didn't have to learn these things at 49. Im so proud of new DH and the storm recovery work and grueling hours he has worked but selfishly I want a man around the house at times like this. and today would've been been our 25 th anniversary so add that to my little pity party.

Prayers for all of you🙏🏻

I think people who haven't been through this don't understand delayed grieving. I can relate to the early days being so busy with details and trying to keep things pulled together for the sake of the kids. I found that people saw me as "strong" and felt a relief that there was no need to worry about me. When things got difficult later I also felt I had passed the expiration date to lean on others or express my grief. I shut too many people out of my life as a result, I suggest NOT following my example! find a friend or family member you feel you can trust with the truth of what you are feeling. I did therapy which was very helpful but I wish I reached out to friends more. I often feel very isolated. I have moved forward in so many ways that people can see, I moved, opened my own business, got married. All great things that I am proud of and give me joy. But there are still those times when I miss my old life, get angry that I have had to work so hard to create a new life, get sad that DH isn't here with me to see the boys grow up or help me with those tough times. I don't feel that I can talk about it with anyone because they see me as being past the grief. your kids were so young when you lost your husband, how could you not have moments of anger, sadness, self pity, exhaustion?! We get it here, let it out when you need to.

I remember feeling similarly in the same timeframe you're in. The first year is all about survival and when the second year came around I was tired of trying to be strong, I no longer fit into our old life and had no energy to try to create a new one. I can only imagine that not having the routine of going to work every day is making it even harder for you. The way I got out of my cycle of apathy was to make some big changes and take on new challenges. I still have social anxiety issues at almost 5 years out and have lost many friends from isolating myself for too long but I have a better sense of purpose in my life again. Try setting small goals for yourself. One practical task each day to accomplish and one social activity a week that is outside your comfort zone. If you can't work, can you do a few hours of volunteering a week? You can get through this stage, just like you got through those first few months that seemed impossible to survive. It's not easy, none of this is but what other choice do we have than continuing to put one foot in front of the other.

Oh Virgo I can only imagine the mixed emotions this causes you and your girls to struggle with. It's wonderful to know our husbands made such an impact on so many while they were alive but that public persona is not who we miss. We miss the guy who left his socks on the floor, didn't load the dishes right in the dishwasher, never missed our kids ball games, could make us laugh like no one else, and shared almost every memory we have as adults. Do what's right for all of you.

Slam the book shut on that ugly chapter of your life and focus on the new road ahead! I hope when your move is completed you can take some time to unplug and take care of yourself.

I think there is nothing wrong with having some type of commitment ceremony so you can make your vows to each other in front of family, friends and God and leave the government out of it. Personally I wouldn't keep it from my children, I would explain it just how you did to us. If you want to call yourself "husband and wife" to the world, why not?! As long as you aren't declaring it on any paperwork or falsely benefiting in any way I don't see why anyone would care if that's what you feel in your hearts you are. I at one point had considered doing the same but we are far from retirement and have minor children so officially marry seemed to make more sense for us. We did do a prenup and are in the process of getting long term care insurance. Best of luck whatever you decide and congratulations !

My heart goes out to you. You made a difficult decision with a great deal of thought. I moved and was an emotional wreck during the process but I have not regretted it and once we were moved in i regained my sanity (what little it may be!). It was the right decision even though it was incredibly hard. I would expect you and your daughter will go through a full range of emotions during this move but keep reminding yourself of the very good reasons that brought you to make the decision. Your memories will follow you wherever you go and a better quality of life is much more important than holding onto the past. Feel free to reach out anytime you feel the doubt taking over, you can do this!

I can relate to what he is talking about. Late DH and I failed to make each other a priority and if things didn't change (and he didn't die) my guess is one of us would be considering divorce when the kids were out of the house. I knew it was a problem and didn't effectively know how to change it. He did not acknowledge the problem but I like to think he would've come around as the kids got older but I will never know. In my current marriage we are both trying to make our marriage priority and while it doesn't always look that way on a daily basis with work and kids we try to get away overnight as often as we can manage and focus on us. I think that blending causes it's own challenges, the parent with shared custody wants to give the kids undivided attention when they have them, the solo parent feels a need to compensate for he deceased parent.

Maureen what a bittersweet event this must have been. While it amazing to have people remember and honor him it also highlights how much more he had to give. I hope the positives outweighed the negatives and you continue to have more smiles than tears. When you look back at all of the major life changes you have gone through since the first time you became a widow it must seem surreal. We never know where life is going to take us but some how you have managed to keep moving forward even when you've wished you could just go back. Sunshine, I admire that you have been able to continue to participate in the annual award presentation in your husband's honor and to give that gift to your children. I'm sure it is very bittersweet as well.

Why does the law always seem to protect the "wrong doers"?? I'm sorry you are both having to deal with renters and exes who shouldn't have any rights. No advice just feeling your frustration.

I'm very sorry to hear about your friends diagnosis. My husband had a very different type of cancer but we went pretty quickly from full on fighting mode to being forced to acknowledge it was terminal. My husband was well known and loved in our community and I think people responded to the way he chose to handle his diagnosis. He had me open a Caring Bridge Site that I updated frequently and it gave people an opportunity to share their well wishes and prayers without feeling like they were overwhelming us with calls and texts. Each time he was in the hospital he encouraged visitors. Towards the end he had me invite friends and family over for a sort of open house and everyone had a chance to pay their respects to him and he had a chance to leave nothing left unsaid. It was beautiful and I think atypical the way he chose to handle it. Follow the lead your friend gives. Texting or sending hand written notes that don't require a response are a way to let him know you care and are there without the pressure for him to respond. Offering specific things like "I want to drop off dinner on Thursday, would you like me to leave it in a cooler at your door or I can pop in for 10 minutes". I had friends and family take shifts staying with him for a day so I could attend my niece's graduation party and get a much needed break. Friends anticipated needs to give my kids rides to activities or to invite my kids out to give them a break without me having to ask. As far as preparing things financially, it can be brought up as a good idea in case his treatments become too involved for him to manage and his wife needs to temporarily take over. We tried this with my Dad who was in denial about his prognosis(it didn't work and mom was left under prepared). My husband, a finance guy, set up meetings with our lawyer, his HR department and his business partner so he could prepare me while he was still alive. That was awful for me at the time but of course I was grateful later.

Sounds like you need a break. Any chance you can sneak away for a few days alone? A spa, yoga retreat, hiking trip? Something just for you to recharge and reflect. I know you usually are intentional on making happiness in your life for you and your son but sometimes things build up and we need to release it just as intentionally. I have found I need to have new things to focus on to keep my mood up, hobbies, taking on new professional challenges, moving. Hang in there, I'm sure with some time and reflection you will find your way back to a calmer path. In the meantime feel free to vent anytime!

Making these big decisions alone just plain sucks. The way I handled them was to go with my gut and take into account what simplified my life. Then forgive yourself if it isn’t the absolute best decision because it may be the best decision for you at this time. Best of luck with all of it.

Good to know I’m not alone with the crazy dreams! I would just like to enjoy his visits and not feel so conflicted, just go with it and listen to his voice. I guess a crazy visit is better than no visit.

Congratulations on the offers and signing a contract! Selling is such a bittersweet thing and sooooo stressful. Good luck with the final details and packing up, I was an emotional nut job when I moved but survived and am glad I did it.

So I have had these types of dreams occasionally since DH died but for the last couple of weeks they are almost nightly and I can't figure out the trigger. Life is on a pretty even keel right now. It's usually some mundane typical day and DH is "back". No explanation of why he let us think he was dead for almost 5 years or where he's been, he just resumes life with us. Current DH is also there. Neither of them seem bothered by the other being in the home but I am totally freaked out and don't know how to act towards either of them. No one will discuss this extremely unusual situation with me and expect me to just get on as if this is normal. I wake up feeling out of sorts, get mad at myself for not enjoying the visit from DH more, and confused about what it all means. Anyone have any insights or experience similar dreams?

For a long time I absolutely hated this! I also felt it was dismissive, that since I appeared strong it let people off the hook from having to think about or lend a hand to my children and I. It made me feel like I couldn't fall apart in front of certain people and caused me to isolate myself. It didn't help that my former best friend was widowed 8 years before me, took complete advantage of the kindness of others well past the first year and years, and completely fell apart at the same time my husband got sick and died (full blown alcoholic, multiple DUIs and children temporarily removed from her custody). Needless to say our shared circle of friends needed me to be strong because they had exhausted their sympathy and compassion for young widows at the same time as I became one. It no longer causes a visceral reaction in me, I know people just aren't capable of imaging being in our shoes and just want to say something nice. I realize it was my choice to isolate myself in response to these comments and I should stop blaming everyone else. I know I have said many unhelpful things to other people at their worst moments and that intentions should matter more than words.

I think it depends on the type of medical issue. My son who has Crohn's disease like his his Dad is transitioning from a pediatric GI to adult and will be seeing his Dad's doctor so I don't need to keep those records. The cancer he had is rare and has not been specifically tied to Crohn's or genetics yet but his siblings and my oldest have already had baseline colonoscopies before the standard age of 50. My middle son has one every year and my youngest will have one at age 20. For some reason I haven't been able to throw out the diary/written records I kept during his illness but I haven't looked at them since the time between the one year anniversary of his diagnosis and death. I know I should but I feel like remembering those horrible 4 months is a way to show respect for the way he handled that time so admirably.

Virgo I'm sure you remember my many stories about my 2 older boys as teens and the hell they put me through initially when dating my now husband. I can only sympathize with you and tell you that mine finally came around but only after much stress and heartache for everyone. It was hard for me to not give into the guilt they tried to lay on me. Keep talking to her, be understanding yet firm that you are doing nothing wrong. Teen years are hard enough without losing a parent and dealing with all of the collateral issues that some with that so I'm sympathetic but I also realize that they know exactly how to push our buttons. Vent away anytime, I get it!

You are going through so much with your divorce and back surgery that it makes sense you would be going back to all the losses you suffered in just over a decade. If you need to run commando for a little while, you've earned it! After you lick your wounds for a little while I bet you will go out and buy yourself a brand new pair of big girl panties, maybe a whole new style, and you will pull them up and move on. That's what we do, like or not. In the meantime you've got support here.

Thank you for the update, I'm so glad to hear she is thriving! Organ donation is so important and a decision we should make today so our family doesn't have to.