Trying

I think for most of us we will always grieve for not only our spouse but the life we lost and the person we were before. I still have my days where I have a pity party for myself or get angry at how unfair life is but thankfully they are much less frequent. Around 2 years I decided to make lots of changes in my life since I didn't fit into the one I shared with my DH. I sold our house and moved, I went back to school and changed my career and then at 4 years I remarried. All of these changes didn't stop me from missing my old life but it did give me a sense of control over my future and I am able to acknowledge the blessings I have today. Don't give up hope, have faith that you will find a new normal. Not better, not less than, but different and good in its own ways.

I have a quilt of my Dad's shirts that I love, there was a company online that did it for me.

Thank you all for your support and insights. The holidays definitely highlight these issues and I am happy that our day to day life is going pretty well. I think it's just another loss to deal with, not feeling 100% part of any of the extended families. Hopefully in time things will feel more natural. I can't waste so much emotional energy on the extended family stuff because our immediate family is much more important. Another part of my stress is that I am leaving tomorrow for a 9 day professional certification course and current DH will be holding down the fort. He is going to have a lot more parental duties than he is used to. It's probably a good thing but my need to be in control is causing me a lot of anxiety. I would've felt the same way leaving late DH in charge for that long, maybe it's mom guilt.

This is really such a hard situation to be in. He sounds like a wonderful man and the relationship seems to be overall a very positive one. The qualities that make him such a good partner are the same qualities that have him devoting himself to his mother (and at one time to his crazy ex wife). If you are comfortable living apart until your children are out of school then it might be worth it to hang on. By that time who knows what his mother's situation will be. If you are looking for a bigger commitment sooner than you will need to have some serious talks with him about what you each want and are willing to compromise. In the mean time maybe you can suggest looking into a companion to take her grocery shopping and to appointments when he is busy or getting her to participate in senior center exercise or hobby groups so she can have some time with her peers. Frame it as healthy for her to have things to do with people her own age and to broaden her support system. Being widowed, losing a son, not being able to drive and living somewhat isolated can definitely make someone needy. I hope you are able to work together to make compromises you can both live with. These relationships later in life seem to require so many more compromises than when we were in our 20's!

Sorry for the long rant, I think the holiday has me feeling extra sensitive. We are blending and in some ways it's going better than I expected but other ways I didn't anticipate being so hard. We are basically not fully part of any of the 3 extended families we are a part of. My family was here for Easter and current DH hasn't been around for 30 years like my sister's husband so he doesn't fully feel like a part of things. His parents are both gone and his 3 sisters get together a lot but not so often with him. When we get together it's hard to be the only SIL to 3 sisters, they are great but he expects me to blend right in as the only female outsider. My late DHs family is not really my family any more and when I'm with them I no longer feel fully a part of the family and it's awkward for current DH. After a long Easter weekend and a snow day today that ended with seeing late DHs family, I am at my limit for trying to blend. He didn't come with me tonight which is fine but I had to bring his kids because they get along well with my sister in laws kids. But I never know what to have his kids (7 & 8 ) call the grandparents and when the grandparents want a picture of all of their grandkids and his kids don't understand it doesn't include them even they call the other kids "cousins". My youngest gets along well with current DHs nephews when we see them but he doesn't share the 14 year cousin history or get to see them as often as they see each other. So then he's the not fully blended one. I'm exhausted from thinking about everyone else's feelings in every situation, having my husband be annoyed about the one thing I didn't think about and not acknowledging the 100 things I did do, and me not having a second to consider my own needs ever. And my last rant here is that I'm expected to be the third parent with equal responsibility to his 2 children because they are young but I'm on my own with my 14 year old for the most part. Yes I'm happy I found love again but some days I wonder if it's worth all this stress. I don't even have a private space to cry tonight.

Fuck snow on April 2nd! Enough already

The teen years can be hard in so many ways. They are embarrassed enough that we exist but to think we might have romantic needs like they are starting to feel can push them over the edge. It is a very self absorbed phase of life and all decisions are judged based on how it may effect them. Mine were 18,16 and 10 when I started dating. The older 2 did not handle it well at all and we had some major melt downs. It took over a year for them to come to terms and longer to be happy about it. I'm now married they are happy I am happy. I made some mistakes and started dating much earlier. If I could do it over I would've waited longer (like you) and not tried to hide it from them. I still think you don't involve them unless it's very serious but they should know that you are dating, you're not trying to replace their Dad, it's important to you, end of story. Good luck, it really can tear your heart at times.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve and your grief will take on many different faces in the days, weeks and months ahead. In the early weeks I was in crisis management mode and as long as I had tasks to do I could keep moving and keep it together for the most part. There are so many details to focus on initially. For me it got harder when my list of things to do related to his death shrunk. At that point I was lost, I didn't have a purpose any more and returning to normal daily life seemed ridiculous. Please don't judge yourself on top of everything else you have to deal with and don't let that label of "you're so strong" define you. When I stopped being able to appear strong and capable people had moved on and assumed I didn't help. I'm very sorry for the reason you are here but I'm glad you found us. It's so helpful to have a safe place to share your feelings with people who get it.

Obviously none of us can truly make judgement based on what little we know here. My guess is that the simple fact that you chose to tell this story means there is some small part of you that has some trepidation. That’s ok, this is what courting is supposed to be about. Find a balance between being open and trusting and being cautiously questioning. I will admit that I overlooked some red flags with my NG and he definitely overlooked a few of mine! We are now married and we have to face these head on. It doesn’t mean either of us regrets marrying, very few people get this far in life without some baggage. The question comes down to if you are each willing to carry the other’s baggage and make room for it to be stored permanently in your attic next to your own. Take your time to enjoy the infatuation and get to know each other.

I don't think it's cut throat. I do use some of the money that I came into this marriage with for enhancements to our family life like home improvements or upgrading a vacation which benefits all of us. If we get divorced he doesn't deserve those benefits any more. If I die, I want him to keep the house and cars and not have to uproot his whole life while grieving. My kids have their portion protected, they get a small amount from 25-45 and whatever is left at 45. They know nothing about this money, though I did tell my second oldest before I got married that his dad protected some "inheritance" in the event I remarried. In the meantime that money helps pay for college and I could access it if I wanted to help them pay for a wedding or something(hopefully a long way off). Finances is one of the top reasons people divorce so I think it's important to talk about it and get on the same page early in the commitment phase no matter how uncomfortable it is. Better to find out before marriage if you can't agree on this.

Money was an issue for me and my current husband, not a major issue but one that required discussion. I came into the relationship with more than him. After his divorce he owned no property and had no significant savings. A steady job, good benefits and a pension were what he brought to the table. I brought a fully paid for house, a car, a boat and some savings. My late husband set up part of his life insurance in trust for our boys so that money is protected. Before we married we did a prenup. that basically says we each leave with what we came with in the event of divorce and divide equally anything we save or acquire after marrying. The house will remain in my name. We opened a joint account and everything we make goes into that account and pays our bills. I still have a separate account from before that I use for additional household expenses like renovations or unexpected major upkeep/repairs. I no longer have to pay for medical insurance for myself and my 3 sons because we are covered on his insurance so this is a huge savings for me. I also rewrote my will. Current husband will get the house and custody of my my youngest as well as my IRA if I die. The conversations were uncomfortable to have, current Husband was very understanding but definitely did not like having to think about all of it. Once all of the paperwork was done we put it behind us and just live our life.

Sounds like a ploy to me. My late DH had some medical issues that affected his sex drive and he was not open to admitting it, discussing it or working around it. I have a pretty healthy sex drive (48 now) and waited until things had progressed in my new relationship to have the discussion that an active sex life is important to me. I can understand not wanting to progress to full commitment at this age without knowing that drives are compatible but it should definitely not be brought up in the initial courting phase. Dating is so strange these days.

Boo hoo for the poor rich guy! Maybe he should be doing some more charitable work with his money to save on his tax burden.

Unbelievably offensive and ignorant as well! If he brings it up again I put a strong end to the topic. "Your feelings on this topic seem to have more to do with your issues than the system that has been put in place. DH worked hard and contributed to social security for many years. I would much rather have him here, collecting in his retirement until he was 100 but since that is not possible I am grateful that he provided for our son by being a hard working tax payer. This is the last time I will discuss this with you." And as a taxpayer he is not paying for your house. This is not welfare. What an ass!

Needytoo I'm sorry you're going through such an emotional day. Witnessing my kids grief has been the hardest part of this whole ugly journey. The thing that really tears at my heart is knowing that there is no longer another living person who cares as much about my kids as I do. My new husband is supportive but he doesn't know them and love them the way I do, how could he? It sucks that NG wasn't there for you and I know it hurts. Sending you big widow hugs.

I am remarried and I now have 3 families to consider at holidays, mine, new DH's family and my late husband's family. My current husband has hosted Christmas Eve and Easter for my late husband's family with me, and while a little odd for him it's all good. His kids love having extra cousins! That being said I say no when I need to. I have 2 adult children who spent Thanksgiving with their Dad's family while youngest son went to my new inlaws with us and enjoys his new step cousins. I think you do what's comfortable for you and based on the type of relationship you have with them. Maybe a big sweeping declaration is not necessary but take it Holiday by holiday and say "this year for x holiday I plan to spend it x place".

The forced purging of moving and downsizing was the push I needed. It was very difficult and I was emotional mess because I was only 2 years out but there is definitely something to be said about purging. My life is so different now than when DH was alive and purging was one way of accepting that, a new home was another. Letting go of the dreams we had of holidays in our home with our future grandchildren, the traveling we would do when the kids were grown, the projects around the house, it's all part of this journey we didn't sign up for. Oh and I must admit that purging brought on some anger too. DH saved everything and owned 3 of every tool and piece of sporting equipment. Going through 20+years of paparerwork, receipts and old bills had me screaming and cursing at him and gave me a break from sadness and nostalgia! A certain satisfaction came from throwing out and donating the many things I complained for years about cluttering up our home. Good luck with the sale of your house and the move, take care of yourself as the stress builds.

Great news Bear! Congratulations on taking such a big step.

Congratulations! This is going to be a great fresh start for you after all of your hard work and patience.

Klim I was like you in my relationship for a long time and it really was a struggle and a source of stress for me to feel like I was always letting someone down. Whether it’s kids, elderly parents or other family commitments I think it’s more common than not to feel conflicted at this stage in our lives when in a new relationship.

It’s very different dating as a widow than as a divorced person. We don’t get every other weekend kid free so there are the logistics of getting a babysitter, the cost of the babysitter, you have to tell your kids something because they know you are going out, the guilt that you are leaving them home, and no easy way to have over night alone time with a new partner. My kids were older when I started dating and not ready for it. I did a lot of sneaking around and lying about where I was going. I made some mistakes and my kids made things really hard. It requires a lot of patience and understanding from the person you are dating. With time it got better.

I have to say that this was one of my issues of concern back when I wasn't sure if I wanted to be legally married again. If other things didn't make me change my mind about marriage I would've wanted POA and medical proxy. Like Portside said, I think you have to go with your gut. Who would you want to be responsible if something happened to you? Would you want to be the one responsible for NG? Tough questions.

Congratulations! A clean slate is a wonderful thing, I wish you many happy years in your new home.

Oh tybec I have had that type of dream a few times and it is really unsettling. Usually Tim just shows up and won't tell me where he's been and won't apologize for letting us think he was dead and here I am dating or married to NG and he just sits back and won't tell me what I should do. I wake up feeling like I have let both of them down. I don't know exactly what it means either but it is a total mind f*** !

This used to make me so angry, sometimes still does. The mother of my son's friend who kept telling me she knew "exactly" what I was going through and wanted to meet for coffee so she could share tips on being a single mom, then proceeded to tell me that Tuesdays, Wednesdays and every other weekend were best for her because her kids would be with their Dad. Yup, exactly the same.