Trying

MM, it's been 5 years for me and so much has changed. I have much to be grateful for and some things to be proud of accomplishing. But there are days when I just miss the life we had together, it seems like it was someone else's life altogether. I get what you're saying about living a fake alternate reality. I started out with the idea that "fake it till you make it" was the way to be strong and move forward but I'm not sure that I've ever stopped faking it.

Congratulations Rob!

People can be so ignorant and self absorbed that they can't see what any one else is living through. Solo parenting is an exhausting and overwhelming responsibility, you can't be expected to hold it all together without venting once in a while. Venting is better than Bitch slapping a cubscout mom!

Today marks 5 years since my life was forever changed. Time is a strange thing. There are days in which I feel I have had a lifetime worth of experiences, struggles, and changes since he died. Other days it seems like just yesterday. The anticipation of the anniversary this year has been less painful and unbelievably I haven't experienced the reliving of his final weeks in agonizing detail like years past. It has been a more reflective time for me and I have been working on allowing myself to focus on gratitude for the years we had together. I was doing so well not reliving the agonizing early grief...then last night my current DH came home and told me his 47 year old cousin dropped dead yesterday in his home with his wife and 2 small children in the other room. His grief and his empathy for the wife and children is so raw and was mixed with his apologies to me for expressing his grief to me at this time of year. 5 years later I am able to focus on his grief today and not make it about me. The difference of course is when everyone is saying "I can't imagine what they are going through", I don't need to imagine it, I've lived it. My day will go on as planned while this family 3 hours away faces their darkest days. I will go to work this morning, go for a Massage this afternoon, make a presentation to my professional networking group about the therapeutic benefits of touch for cancer patients, caregivers and widow/ers, then take our 3 boys out to dinner at the restaurant that they loved to go to with their Dad.

I'm 5 years out and before I was widowed I was a play it safe kind of gal, not big on risk or change. I started making changes professionally and personally at about 2 years out. It was totally scary but once I started one change led to another. Most changes were positive but not all worked out and some I started with big intentions and just fizzled out. For 25 years every choice I made was about what was best for "us". For the first time as an adult I had to decide what I wanted for "me". Liberating, frightening, confusing, exciting all at once.

5 weeks is barely enough time to start breathing again. I found talking to a grief therapist to be very helpful, it was my safe place to get everything out and not worry about expressing my grief was effecting the kids or worrying my family and friends. The side effects of antidepressants can be intimidating but aren't a definite, you need to weigh the possible benefits. Try setting small goals for yourself each day, write them down so you can check them off when you accomplish them. They can be as small as "do a load of laundry" "wash hair" "empty the dishwasher" "walk the dog". Keep them easy to accomplish at first and then start adding bigger things to tackle. Time is definitely what is most needed but that doesn't mean we don't need to take an active roll in processing our grief. Give yourself time each day to cry or yell and let it out and then get up and do something. Knowing you give yourself permission to let it out again later or the next day can help you feel that it's ok to put your grief on pause while you tackle the basic tasks of the day. Eventually you will be able to pause the heavy grieving for longer stretches and you will even find yourself smiling about something.

I think recoupling at a certain age is so complicated. Divorce, exes, widow, kids, and the fact that we are all pretty set in our ways can cause a lot of doubt. I went up and down and back and forth a million times before agreeing to marry my current husband. He was ready much sooner than I was but the adjustment when he moved in was as challenging for him as for me. Some of us are lead more by our head than by our heart and I am definitely an over thinker! There is nothing wrong with taking your time, this decision not only affects the two of you but your children too so you want to be ready. Continue to reassure him that you love him, keep working with your therapist and you will figure out what is right for you.

I'm sorry you were forced out of your position before having a plan for what comes next. As scary as it may seem it sounds like you are really ready for a change. There is a better job out there for you that you can shine in and I wish you all of the best in finding it! Take advantage of the positive reference your employer will give you and be confident in the skills you have to offer, better opportunities are on the horizon.

I was definitely not ready to date at 6 months when a guy from my distant past came back into my life. Talking to him for a few weeks on the phone I started to feel like I wanted give it a try and go on a date with him. Emotions progressed pretty quickly but it was a tumultuous start as my children and I still navigated some heavy grief. Luckily he was patient with my situation and we married last fall just after the 4 year anniversary of my late husband's passing. A happy ending for me but not what I would recommend! I still can't say I've really dated as an adult, I met DH when I was 19 and fell right into a relationship with current DH who I had known when I was 18. Falling in love so quickly complicated my grief and caused as much stress as joy in the first year and 1/2 of our relationship. We are all unique and I don't think you can really know if you are ready until you try. Be cautious, take things slowly, and be prepared that the dating world is a whole new game!

I did not deal with addiction with my spouse so I won't pretend to understand or give you advice. I just want you to know that I read your post and my heart is with you and your children. You took a major step for them when you insisted your husband go to rehab which tells me you have fierce mother instincts. You will need to dig deep for the sake of your kids and that starts with a healthy mom modeling healthy grief but I can hear how important they are to you and feel that you will surprise yourself with what you can do Tom build a life for you and them. Keep putting that oxygen mask on, every day, one step at a time.

Tybec I am so sorry for how frustrating this whole custody process is. We went through it last year and it dragged on for months and months, sitting by and having no control of the process is so hard. As a widowed person its impossible to understand a parent not seeing how important it is for children to have BOTH parents alive and involved and it would make me so angry. I hope things move quickly from here.

I understand so well how challenging blending and building a phase 2 relationship can be and I can hear you are reaching the end of your rope. I agree that NG is the one you need to talk to and the assigning of chores needs to be done by him. I can't imagine going from no children to a house full of them, set in their ways with no input from you. Chores need to be divided and assigned with clear consequences if not completed. meal planning with picky eaters is awful, if someone doesn't like what's on the menu and doesn't want to cook too bad! They can heat up left overs Women and Sex...it won't happen if we don't feel respected or we are overwhelmed with uneven division of household responsibilities. Nothing is sexier than a man who does the dishes without being asked, if he puts some music on and dances around while doing them, even better! Being thrown into an instant family must be incredibly stressful! You need some time just for yourself. Make every Thursday night a night you go out with girlfriends, go to the gym, take a class, go shopping or whatever refuels you. That can be the night the girls plan and cook dinner and you don't have to eat it or clean it up! Make sure you and NG get date nights and a weekend away regularly to recharge your relationship. We plan a weekend or an overnight away at least every other month. Hotel sex is much hotter than home sex with a houseful of kids! The biggest thing is to not allow the resentment to build so much that you reach this breaking point. Communicate and give him a chance to voice his needs too so you can avoid the nagging or the inevitable blow up.

I think you should get some satisfaction with the work you do if not joy. Lots of options in finance. My late husband was a financial advisor and it was a tough 10 years until he got his business to the point where he didn't have to work 60 hours a week, also working for commission vs salary is something not everyone can live with. If you find something that really motivates you then you can find a way to make it work. I have made some career changes and having something new to learn and ignite my passion was great for me.

Im sorry things have been so stressful in your relationship. It's not easy dealing with exes and kids and all of the turmoil it brings. I'm curious why you should have anything to do with NGs right to see his children? You should in no way feel responsible for making his custody issues work or feel any guilt if you don't want to be a part of it. I understand very well the idea of putting up with some negatives to be in a relationship that has a lot of positive aspects. It sounds like you have a history of making compromises in past relationships and are trying hard to break the pattern by speaking up for what you need and what you won't accept which is a great step. I have a similar past though maybe not as extreme as what you've shared about your marriage to your late husband. In my current marriage I overlooked some red flags because of the overall positive relationship we share. I have learned to speak up for myself more but see myself at times slipping into old patterns and needing to reset. None of us know the intimacy and intricacies of your relationship like you do so only you can know if it is balanced and mutually beneficial. There is nothing wrong with taking a step back while he works out his divorce and custody issues if it is all feeling too much for you. He really needs to have his life more settled before you will know exactly where you stand.

Such a complicated topic and I think while most of us who are widowed can find similarities in experience we are also each as unique as each relationship is. I met my first husband when I was 19. We grew into adulthood together and shared every significant milestone, every joy, every heartache for 25 years. Our marriage was not perfect but we had a wonderful life together and we were raising 3 boys as a team. My second husband is a wonderful man who I have great love for. Our relationship is very different than the one I shared with my first husband, not better or worse but different. We came into this relationship as fully formed adults with 47 years of life experience, lifestyle patterns, baggage, goals and expectations. He wasn't there when so many events in my life shaped who I am today and vice versa. In many ways it's refreshing to be seen only for who I am today because I am so different than the person I was at 19 when I met my first husband. There are times when it makes me sad that he can't fully understand why something is such a profound accomplishment for me because he wasn't there for so much of my journey. Having children from a previous relationship makes is different as well. We love and accept each other's children but we weren't there for their journeys from day one and the pride and worry is not the same. I miss having the only other person who loved them the way I do. My current love is just right for who I am today and who I will continue to grow into being. Comparisons are never fair but it's human nature to go there sometimes. If the woman in your life is secure as my current husband is than continue to be open and honest with her about the complexities and continue to show her how you cherish the unique person she is and the unique relationship you share. The heart has an amazing capacity to expand when we allow it.

Congratulations Rob!

Things I hated to hear in those early months: "God must have had a reason for taking him" "you're not alone, we will always be here for you" "I know just how you feel, my 90 year old grandmother died last year" "I felt just like you when I went through my divorce" "you're so strong " "you just need to get out and be around people" "you have so much to grateful for, stop dwelling on the negative" yes people are trying to help and they are blessed to be ignorant to the pain you are experiencing. I don't have any great advice to make them stop, you will get thicker skin with time, you will distance yourself from some people and others will distance themselves from you. Hopefully you can identify a few close people who you can be real with. When you have to deal with those who just don't get it you can always do what I did and scream as loud as you can in your car with the music cranked up.

There was no reason for anyone to be so critical of you and I'm sorry you were hurt by some of the responses. I for one am not perfect and more times than I can count I look back on uncomfortable interactions and second guess things I said or didn't say. Dating at this stage in life whether it's as a widow/er or a divorced person is complicated and there is probably something to learn from each encounter. Who are any of us to judge what your "ta da" moment was?

Klim how scary! I’m glad you nagged and he finally listened, hopefully this was the wake up call he needed and the doctors can stay on top of this. I think this is a fear for most of us when we recouple, we know all too well that bad things can happen to even “healthy “ people.

Congratulations! Wishing you a long and happy life together.

I can imagine all of the coverage would be triggering. People need to think that if they follow all of the advice the "experts" are reporting about prevention it could never happen in their family. A young man who grew up with my sons just completed suicide this week and I keep thinking about the impact of the news coverage of celebrity suicides on that family. sending you a virtual hug.

I have decided to be cremated and split my ashes, half will be at cemetery next to late DHs ashes with shared headstone so my kids can visit us both if they want. I told current DH it is his choice what to do with the other half if I go first. If he goes first I want the other half to be with him. For me, it's about those left behind, not about me once I'm gone. DH decided at the last minute to have me bury his ashes because he knew his mom would want to visit the cemetery. Im curious if your fiancé has had other issues regarding your late wife and not feeling like she is equally important to you. I don't like the ultimatum but I do think her feelings should be considered.

Virgo I'm sure this isn't a tough transition for all of you. I'm not surprised the teenagers are having a hard time, it is an age where they are very self centered (not a criticism just a developmental fact) and they look at most things like "how will this affect me?" They will adjust and you will too. I was a SAHM for 8 years and went back part time (DH was still alive) and it was a good way to ease into it. Since DH died I went to school for a year, opened my own business and things have definitely changed. I had to drop a lot of volunteer stuff but I can work my schedule around most of my son's activities. Now I'm the one asking for help with rides when I used to be the one who drove everyone else's kids. When I get a chance to return the favor I jump on it because I really appreciate the help when I need it. You know you are doing what you need to do and I have no doubt you continue to make your girls feel like a priority. The extra they have to pitch in will help them in the long run. When they complain, take a deep breath, don't apologize, reassure them you are still there for them, and you are doing what responsible adults do and taking care of your family. You've got this!

Tybec I am so happy to hear you felt your mother's service was "just right". The lead up to these things is the worst part and I'm glad you and your family found comfort in sharing history and memories. It sounds like you all were respectful of your moms wishes and memories while allowing yourselves the goodbye you needed. I don't like the word "closure" because that sounds final and we know grief is never final, but this seemed like a positive step in your grieving process.

My situation may be a little different so take that for what it is. Intimacy was lacking in my marriage for many years before my DH died so when I ventured into that territory around 6 months after becoming a widow I had quite the opposite reaction. I did have an emotional connection to the man first and he has been the only one so it also may be "the right guy at the right time".