Trying

Adding my hugs to you on this difficult day. Unfortunately I can relate all too well on the difficult parenting issues and how much it just plain sucks to be facing these challenges without our parenting partner. I have always been impressed with the way you parent, facing challenges head on and being proactive in guiding your girls to become independent and productive adults. Keep having faith that it will all pay off in the long run. I'm married again and while my bed is no longer empty I am still parenting alone. On one hand there is support but on the other hand my young adult childrens' failings are even more stressful because they now affect my new husband and our relationship. Having him in the home puts a spot light on some issues that I had decided were less important to deal with and also my shortcomings as a solo parent. My older 2 are out of high school and I am starting to believe they will be productive adults even if the paths they have chosen are not what DH and I had imagined. I try not to think what they would be like if they hadn't lost their dad, it's too painful.

CJF thanks for being vulnerable here. Even though each of our stories are different there is often some common thread in there. I still have some hustle and bustle at home and I have recently remarried but I still suffer from loneliness. I lost most of my friends and the ones that are around I have kept at arms length. I have definite moments of happiness but I struggle with depression. I finally admitted I suffer with depression a few months ago and am now on medication. It has helped some but I still have days like yesterday and today that I just can't shake it. So I don't have any magic answers but I wanted you to know that you're not alone. I guess if we all had our shit completely together we wouldn't still be here.

This is part of the reason we did not even invite friends to our wedding in September. My mom and sister, his 3 sisters and our 5 kids. Made it easier to not have to include my inlaws, even though I have one SIL I am very close with. "I appreciate your support but we are keeping things small and simple". This may not avoid hurt feelings but it's honest.

I wish I had your adventurous spirit, I say go for it! It sounds like you have put real thought into this, not just whim. Maybe you could keep a written or video journal and share your journey.

I made some big changes starting at about 2 years but nothing as big as taking off for a year. Would you still be able to buy that smaller place so your kids still have a home base? Can you try out a shorter bike trip, like 2 weeks, to see how you feel before taking such a big leap? My other thought is that if you just go for it and it doesn't work out there is nothing saying you can't end it early. The potential for it to be an amazing, life affirming, positive way to deal with your grief is real but you will never be able to run away from memories, they have an uncanny way of following us wherever we go.

I'm very sorry for your loss, it must be overwhelming to have faced so many losses. I hope you find some peace and comfort from other people in your life and we are always here for support.

My current DH is going through some ugly custody stuff with his ex right now and it totally sucks! The court seems to be the only solution but it is a costly and long process. I am a strong believer in more time than every other weekend for any willing and able parent. It's difficult to set routines and form a solid relationship with such limited time. I am no expert but I would imagine this infrequent time together would be more disruptive to a child on the spectrum than a 50-50 shared custody.

Vent away, you have every right. My work involves care taking by choice. I was a caregiver for my Dad through Hospice at home but had my mom, my sister and my DH for support and help. With DH it was obviously much harder. I can understand your resentment of your siblings, for some reason not everyone is capable of or has the desire to do their share. I swear that certain people are not even able to comprehend what needs to be done or how to help.

I'm sorry to hear how much you are hurting. You are very insightful about how your grief is affecting you and your current relationship now you just need to reach out for help. I know very well how difficult this is. I only recently, as I was approaching the 4 year mark, got the courage to agree to an antidepressant. I have been through therapy and thought I was doing well enough, I was about to marry a great man, but I just wasn't "happy", I had a lot of anxiety, quick to anger, and my motivation was very low. It's been a few months on the medication and it is helping but I am still a work in progress. After 4 years I have developed new patterns that will take a while for me to change. For me, a big thing is giving myself permission to be happy, healthy and productive even though my DH was denied that too young. I hope you continue to post here, the more we are each open to talk about these long term effects of losing a partner the more likely we are to get help and stop feeling alone and ashamed.

Tybec I am so sorry about your mom, what a difficult time. Im sure that going through a tough personal time highlights that your relationship with NG is not yet a full partnership like you want. I'm glad to hear he is trying to be supportive but it's probably not a good time to discuss the state of your relationship or the future, focus on your mom and taking care of yourself. Hoping your mom is at peace soon and sending you hugs.

Maureen I am also someone who holds things in and shows the world my “strong” persona. I then resent people for calling me strong because I feel it minimizes all I have had to cope with. I have lost most of my close friends because I put walls up and didn’t let myself be vulnerable. You are undergoing some major stressors right now, moving, job hunting, living under your parents’ roof and doing all of this without your partner by your side. You definitely need to let some of that out or it’s going to find it’s way out in a messy way. I don’t know why things have gotten so quiet here, I’m pretty sure it’s not because widows are no longer struggling. I hope people find this to be a safe place to express themselves.

Sugarbell just keep coming here to vent when she succeeds at pushing your buttons. They may be crazy but we have survived bigger challenges.

sugarbell that one is batshit crazy! When crazy people make crazy comments it's not always easy to take the high road but it seems like you manage to. DH2 had court meeting with social worker and crazy ex yesterday and he just sat back and let her show all of her crazy glory. He came showing that weeks ago he emailed her his 2 parent plan options and she never responded or offered her own. She came with one saying she wants kids every week Monday thru Friday and he can have them every single weekend. Seriously? As if she will never want to do anything on a weekend with her children? They will never see her family who live out of state and cousins who visit on weekends? When social worker asked her why she didn't think their father should have equal time she said "they need their mother until they are at least 12". (They are 6 & 8) oh yes, every child psychologist says kids (especially boys) don't need a father until they are teens, NOT! Social worker seems like she will make reasonable recommendations to the judge but it's still another month with limited contact until the court date. Poor kids were almost in tears when they realized they missed their Dads birthday (because she wouldn't let them have dinner with him) I had them make cards and he said he was too busy to celebrate. Despite all of the poison she puts in their heads, he never tells them the truth about her. One more reason I love and respect him.

The only thing I will say is that the one year mark is not a magic turning point so please don't set yourself up for the let down when grief is still there like I did. Making it through a year of firsts is an accomplishment that deserves some recognition. However, we can not be expected to be "over it" or "back to normal". The longer we have been married, the longer the adjustment to life without our spouse can be. I started dating my DH at 19, we were married 20 years. I had no idea how to be a grown up without him so the adjustment was huge on top of the grief. So no guilt about the tears! I have passed 4 years now and I have a new normal and happiness but it was some work to get here and I am forever changed by my grief. That was supposed to sound more encouraging than it came out. Big Hugs to you as you hit this milestone.

For some reason, early in our relationship we were extremely open about our pasts and lots of ugly unflattering things. I think we were both trying to scare the other off with the truth to avoid being hurt later on. It didn't work, it ended up building trust instead.

Food is always a way to a man's heart. Bake his favorite cookies, make his favorite meal. We like the whole "experience" as a gift. Today is current DHs birthday and I got tickets to the Rangers with an overnight in NYC for him. Tonight I made the dinner of choice. For my birthday he got me tickets to Billy Joel with an overnight in the city. Time together is very precious to us. Also a hand written love note in the store bought card is something we both do!

Warning- BIG RANT She is an evil, evil bitch!! She is still refusing to discuss the parenting plan despite him offering 2 options, they go back to court next week and are supposed to have a plan. Tomorrow is his birthday and he asked if he could have the kids overnight after taking them to soccer practice. Her answer "no". Youngest son's teacher emailed them both yesterday about him being very emotional during a Veterans Day song and asked them if there is something she needs to be sensitive about. He has no relatives that died in war so reason is not obvious. He wanted to talk to his son and see what the problem was and if he is ok. Dozens of phone calls to her went unanswered. Multiple texts requesting he speak to his son for hours. Nothing. Finally she responds with a "sorry I can't jump whenever you want, we are busy" and never let him speak to him. She applied for free lunch for the kids, excluding his income, child support and the fact that he has an active lunch account linked to his credit card for each that they have always used. She has never paid for lunch. The school has said there is nothing they can do about her fraudulent application and they can't let the kids use the lunch account he set up and they have used for 2 years. This is a hard working, proud man who is more than capable of providing for his children and does not want them receiving assistance they do not need. Is he supposed to shell out more money to a lawyer to fight to be able to pay for his kids lunch? She is so vindictive and does all of this claiming she only wants what's best for her children. Ha!

My current DH and I met in 1987. We weren't bf/gf but had a little thing, my roommate had a big crush on him and I was deciding if I should continue a long distance relationship with someone else so it never was serious. He then transferred to another college and I never heard from him or about him until 2014 when we found out we lived in the same town (different state than either of us grew up in). We are both glad we didn't try to have a relationship then because he was immature and it would've probably ended poorly and I may not have given him a chance all these years later. Weird but nice.

I hope today is a brighter day for you. Your "friend" certainly sounds unstable, I would block her from being able to contact you as much as possible (phone, social media, email). No one needs that kind of misplaced hostility in their life! The legal stuff sucks, I admit to having been naive enough to think that common sense and decency will always win out and am learning how wrong I was. I'm sorry that you are paying such a hefty price.

That’s a really big trip from where you are! We are in CT so it’s only a 5 hour bus ride for our 8th graders and some still don’t go. I think talking with your daughter about the options is a good idea but I get concerned with giving the power of decision to someone so young, it could be very stressful depending on her personality. Maybe telling her you want to take her opinion into account when you make YOUR decision. Let her know your pro and con list and then take some time to decide. Making these decisions alone totally sucks!!! I miss getting to be the “good cop” to DHs “bad cop” and knowing that my kids could turn to their Dad when it was my turn to be “bad cop”. And just the talking through things with the only other person equally invested in our childrens’ lives.

We just go home from the honeymoon last night. The wedding was beautiful despite the torrential rain that moved the ceremony inside. All 5 boys were present, very happy, and not a dry eye in the house when we made vows to each other's children. My oldest walked me down the aisle, my youngest and his two were in charge of the rings and my middle son signed our marriage license. Both his family and mine were very touched by how close our 5 boys are and any silent doubts about our blending were squashed by the obvious bond they have. Both of current DHs parents have passed and his sisters were so happy to see his boys embracing "Nana" (my mom) as their only grandparent. She is equally thrilled to have two new grandsons since 5 out of 6 of her biological ones are adults. I wore a bracelet from my late DH that was only meaningful to me and felt his approval in our sons' true happiness for me and acceptance of current DH. 6 days alone for our honeymoon was such a blessing after all of the stress and now we are ready to continue his custody fight. More issues have come up that we put on the back burner for a week and need to address now. Thank you all for sharing in my journey, being my sounding board and my support, for understanding the challenges of chapter 2 when no one else in my life does. I will try to figure out how to post pictures when I have more time.

We have his boys! We leave for the wedding first thing tomorrow morning. Thank you all so much for your support and listening to me freak out.

You guys are all so awesome to be my sounding board now and the million times before this. She continues to make things worse today and I am afraid he is ready to blow. He is not capable of talking about the wedding let alone helping at this point so the few small things he was supposed to take care of just won't be taken care of. I'm ok with that. He told me tonight that if she manages to block him getting them tomorrow so we can head out of town for the weddding, the wedding is off. She promised in court she wouldn't interfere but there is nothing in writing. She currently is not answering texts, emails or phone calls and if she won't send them to school with a note tomorrow that he is picking them up then I don't know what will happen. While I understand that he doesn't want to have the wedding without them I'm not sure how I will handle that. For now I just said "of course we have to have them at the wedding" and I'm giving him space to be angry with her. Send any positive thoughts and prayers you can spare our way.

Mizpah and sojourner thank you both. This is the first and only time I have engaged with her and I do realize it was probably a big mistake. He was so upset last night and the frustration of nothing happening yet with the custody issue just came to a boil. It is interfering with our wedding, it's taking up all of his time and attention and leaving me to fend for myself on all of the last minute details without having him to even talk to about it. It's hard to be excited right now and I know she is getting exactly what she wants. I am going to try my best to focus on our love and our future and the joy of the wedding. I hope he is able to do the same.

*Long rant* We are days away from our wedding and she is ramping up her craziness and refusal to coparent. I'm sure our wedding is agrivating the situation. Monday he went to court because she has been refusing him access to the boys during the week (except when she doesn't want to take them to soccer practice). It was a waste of time, the social worker took their information and said come back in a month and nothing was done to make her return to the previous schedule (they have never folllwed the initial vague custody agreement when the boys were toddlers). Last night she refused to cooperate on the boys soccer. He offered to drive the first one and stay at practice, have her come to the field to swap them, he would then stay for the second one and drive him back to her house. Very little effort on her part, 3 hours on his. This wasn't good enough. Tuesday night should be our overnight and she wouldn't even have to be involved but it's more complicated because she won't let them stay with us. She then has the 8 year old call him and say "Daddy why won't you take me to practice?" while she is coaching him what to say in the background. He tries to explain that it was his mom's decision without saying anything negative about her. He then texts her how dare she do that to their son, that she is evil, and she replies that she is letting her son read the text. Fiancé was beside himself last night, he does not want his kids used as weapons, he does not want her telling them he doesn't want to be with them, he doesn't know how to explain to a 6 and 8 year old that he is fighting for more time and their bitch of a mother is preventing it. He is not going to tell these little boys negative and hurtful things about their mom. He is worried she is going to involve the kids in the custody hearing and make them be interviewed and traumatize them. They should be no part of it. The only thing negative she said about him at the hearing is "he's an alcoholic". This is her go to comment. She also used to say he was gay but I guess that doesn't hold anymore because of me. He has never had a DUI, never had any legal issue related to alcohol, doesn't sit in bars, never been drunk in front of his kids, and is not an alcoholic. Last night I broke my rule about staying out of it and with his permission sent her a very long, very civil email, from mother to mother. I spoke about the father he is, the step Dad he has become to my youngest and how lucky her children are to have a father who is ALIVE, involved, loving and who not only provides financially for them but wants to provide all of the guidance and support a Dad can give. I also let her know that as a mother I can not imagine using my kids as a weapon and that while she thinks now she will brainwash them against their Dad she is only hurting them and they will grow to resent her for her lies and for keeping them from having more time with an amazing Dad. I don't expect this to help, it may make things worse but I felt like if I didn't get my thoughts out calmly in an email I was eventually going to explode on the side of the soccer field and not be so civil about it. We are both so worried she is going to pull something and keep them from coming to our wedding this weekend even though it was promised in court she wouldn't interfere. We even planned our wedding for "his weekend" but I don't trust her. All of this stress on top of wedding stress has had me having panic attacks again. I would give anything for my kids to have their Dad still in their lives so this mean, spiteful behavior really triggers me.