Trying

Relax, enjoy and don't think too far ahead. The getting to know someone part is fun!

Thanks for the motivation in setting (or reviving) some goals! 1. Clean eating 2. Exercise 5 days a week 3. Complete classes and develop a business plan 4. Establish firm expectations and ground rules for oldest son moving home 5. Meet with contractor for house remodel projects, get siding and windows done

You are under incredible stress right now so it's understandable that your old negative coping urges are rearing their ugly head. Do whatever you need to in order to stay clean, you've done the hard work, you know what it takes. I did the sell the house and move thing this summer and then went back to school so I can relate to the stress and acting like a crazy person at times during the process. Keep reminding yourself why you are doing this and I promise if I can survive fixing up, packing up and selling a house you can too! Feel free to vent to me anytime.

Uggghh, had to turn around on my way there because I got a call that youngest got hurt at basketball. Sorry to miss everyone!

I was also weirdly ok bringing NG into my bed. We both sleep on the right so on the rare occasions he has slept in my bed, I get the right and in his bed he gets the right. After 2 1/2 years I have not crossed over the imaginary line to Tim's side even when I'm alone, not that I actively think about it.

1. Ordered a new dishwasher today 2. Didn't cry all day 3. Youngest has been at an indoor watermark with a friend all day so no guilt about not planning anything fun for him myself.

I think you were extremely tactful in your response to someone who needs to minds her own business! I find people who haven't suffered a significant loss either think I am moving on too fast or I am wallowing too much even though the truth is neither. Unfortunately I am like you and sometimes allow a stupid comment from someone who really doesn't know me to bother me for days. So while I say to you, just ignore the Bitch! I know it's not that easy. I am going to try to remember the brownie comment for next time!

Wow, that sounds overwhelming! Blending at the holidays is a challenge to begin with and you are trying to squeeze it all into a quick visit. I hope you find some alone time before you head home.

I love the idea of personal training and have brought this up to him. I would love to see a spark of enthusiasm about anything. So far, no sparks. I have been such a mess over this situation and I really need to snap out of it. I'm crying non stop, my 11 year old needs me to be stronger and more present, I'm arguing with NG, all I want to do is stay in bed. I ruined New Years Eve because I couldn't pull myself together. He needs his Dad here to kick him in the ass.

He wants nothing to do with community college and honestly I can't afford to throw any more money away on classes. He has no interest in computers what so ever. He is so down on himself that he has no interest in anything besides his summer lifeguarding job which is too many months away. I'm fine with him staying home if that's what he needs but his depression will only get worse without some structure and purpose. Counseling, grief support and medications have been offered and firmly refused over and over. I wish he was young enough to send off to military school!

Not even 6:00 pm and I'm in bed watching TV. My youngest is moping in his room. I've got nothing planned for dinner because we were supposed to go to a friends house but I backed out because I've been in tears for 24 hours over my oldest. Puffy and snotty is not so sexy.

Thank you both for your input and hugs. I have told him many times I don't care if college is not his path but he needs to be productive. His father never finished college but was an incredibly hard worker from his teens and became very successful. He's depressed and angry at the world and has zero self esteem or respect for anyone. I would love to see him do some kind of physical or outside work or even join the military, I think he needs some good old fashioned hard work to focus on and be proud of. He won't listen to any type of reasonable conversation, he turns everything around to "poor me, I'm a loser and a disappointment, everyone looks down on me" which gets me worked up. He obviously is in a bad emotional state but part of me thinks he is milking it because he knows it tugs at my guilt and sympathy. I need to be stronger and not give in to my fears and anxiety. For now, I am a big puffy, snotty puddle who has disappointed my 11 year old because I can't leave the house tonight.

Those of you who have been around have heard my stories about my oldest son too many times. He is 19 now and was just beginning his senior year in highschool when his Dad died. He has had a very hard time and a complete personality change in the past 2 years. He went away to college last year and failed out. He spent a semester at home, had surgery on his should from a swimming injury 2 years in a row, went to some therapy under force by me. He thought he was ready to return to school this fall and I sent him with fingers crossed. All semester he talked about his classes and sounded like he was doing very well. Well, he came home saying he got all Bs but didn't want to go back because he is miserable. After almost 2 weeks of pushing to see his grades he admitted he failed all but 1 class. He is a complete mess. He refuses therapy and I learned last year that forcing him to go does not force him to participate. I have told him he needs to get a job ASAPand start paying his own way. He has grown his hair and beard to an unruly mess in the past year and a half and I told him that adults looking for jobs must present themselves with a neater appearance. He stormed out to go get a haircut and job hunt today, supposedly. He makes it impossible to help him because of the lying. I can't stop crying, I'm fighting with NG, upsetting my other 2 kids and feel so fucking alone. I have let way too much slide because he seems so fragile and broken and I'm scared to death that by being tougher on him I may lose him completely. But at this point I have no choice, I can't sit back and watch him throw his life away. If he doesn't get a job and take some responsibility I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't handle this by myself any longer. DH would never have allowed this to happen. I need advice from anyone who has helped an older teen who has completely lost direction. How can I support and encourage him without enabling his self destructive and disrespectable behavior?

Fuck single parenting! I am screwing up because I am not strict enough any more and am letting my 19 fuck his life up because I feel sorry for him and he manipulates me into being more scared for him than angry.

Waiting for some advice on this subject too! We have done one weekend away that the kids knew about and just stayed at his sisters one night after Christmas but no sleepovers at my house or his that they know about. With teens/young adults it's tricky because I feel like it's an announcement that their mom is having sex with this man. At some point I guess I need to bite the bullet, we have a tentative plan of him moving in next fall so some sleep overs before then seems logical as a way to introduce the idea to them. Any advice of what worked or what not to do is appreciated!

I believe you have now explained why you were so angry with DIL, it was not just that she was insensitive to your grief or insensitive to you as a mother but the idea of her turning her her back on your traditions. She should have respect for your traditions and your desire to follow them. I hope you in turn would respect others who don't share the same traditions as you. I am glad you seem to have gotten past this with her. I hope that she will be more tactful in the future and perhaps you can find some acceptance of the different journeys your fellow wids are on.

SB, our house was always the hang out house for adults and kids. We would have Christmas, New Years, Super Bowl, pool parties all summer and lots in between. I tried to continue it after DH died but it was too hard, the kids friends however were still always over. When it was time to put my house on the market I looked at it with a more critical eye and yes, the fun times we hosted really showed in the house. I think there is nothing wrong with putting the stop on your house being the hang out so you can get it ready to sell, you have to do what you need to do. I will tell you though, don't expect the invitations to have your kids over from their friends who have enjoyed your home. I was shocked by all of the people, my adult friends and their friends parents who never extend an invitation. My 11 year old misses the parties we used to have and is already complaining about New Years Eve. I would like to entertain again at some point but on a smaller scale. Good luck with the repairs and the clean up, it's incredibly stressful but I hope you will feel as good about your decision to move when it's all over as I do.

TooSoon your holiday together sounds wonderful, I'm glad you are having such a good time and blending so smoothly. Opening my heart to another doesn't erase how much I miss Tim or the family unit we created together. I don't know how to explain it to someone who hasn't been through it, this feeling of sadness mixed with joy. The ability to love 2 men in much the same way I was able to love my second and third child as much as the first without taking anything away from the first. It amazes me that I am not only able to love again but that I want to. I don't think I will ever stop grieving Tim and our life together and that's ok, it is part of who I am and why I will never take love for granted.

The first 2 Christmases they bought me thoughtful gifts and youngest was still at the age of making things at school. Middle son has a GF which I'm guessing is why he bought me something. Oldest son is so incredibly self centered lately. 11 year old showers me with love and appreciation and asks for the least so basically it's my oldest I am hurt by.

Your DIL was very insensitive to you as a widow and also to you as the mother of her husband! I see her comments along the lines of those who don't have children yet that judge parents by saying "when I have children they will NEVER..." it's an ignorance for someone who has never been in your shoes to even begin to guess how they might react. While I think you are totally justified to be annoyed by her completely tactless comment I also wonder if there is more behind the degree of your anger. Do you have other conflicts with this DIL? Did she hit a nerve for some other reason? No need to answer here but this might give you an idea of how to proceed with her. If she has a pattern of being insensitive then you may need to have a talk with her.

1. A nice 2 days with my mom. She was widowed at 66 and gets it. 2. Playing board games today with the boys and my mom 3. Unusually warm New England December, was able to go for a nice long walk today and get down to the lake.

It's been a long slow road integrating NG into my life so today felt monumental in some ways but easy and comfortable in others. Today was just my kids, my mom and I like always but NG joined us after the morning gift opening and stayed all day and through dinner. It was a relaxed, quiet, nice day and it felt so good to have him with us. My kids were outwardly good and my mom is very easy to be around. He didn't have his kids until 8:00 tonight so it was really good for him too as a distraction from missing them, I would have loved having them with us and we will next year. I'm feeling very hopeful that we can actually start to make a life together, a real Christmas gift.

I have 3 boys. My middle one bought me a mug. The other 2 didn't even mention gifts. The youngest would need one of his brothers to take him shopping so he's off the hook. I'm very hurt that my 19 year old didn't so much as get me a card or a pair of socks. I didn't think I raised them to be like this.

In general,I'm not a big "date" person. The first year I did recognize every month, the second year it was still the time he was diagnosed that got me and of course the second anniversary. I had to calculate when 2 1/2 years will be too, not until March. I'm sure having the significance of your birthday and Christmas sandwiched around it makes it a marked time.

Fuck that I drank too much at a Christmas party last night and all of the stress and anxiety I have been suppressing came out. And not in a good way.