Trying

I am all about being guarded and taking things slowly, lord knows I went to the extreme and waited 6 months before my kids even knew I was dating someone and then even longer before they met him. I don't really recommend that level of guarding though. My feelings were apparent early on and I couldn't protect myself from them. I almost lost a very good man a few times because I was fighting the natural flow of the relationship, luckily he is extremely patient and has stuck around. I know how scary this is but you deserve to be happy and your DD deserves a mom who is happy and supported.

Your brain seems to work in similarly self destructive ways as mine. I spent too much time in the first year dating NG driving myself crazy with guilt because there are some things in this relationship that are just better than what was with Tim. I didn't have the added complications of alcoholism, I can't even imagine the ways that messes with your ability to trust, but we had our problems. I'm at a place now where I am mostly reconciled to the idea that I did love Tim and always will and despite our problems and loving NG, appreciating and expecting more, is ok. The other thing that struck me was your disappointment about plans getting changed because DD is sick. 2 single parents dating is very tricky and I often struggle with feeling selfish for being upset when kid stuff interferes with the precious little time we get together. This is one area NG has struggled with more than me, probably because he has 2 kids half the time and I have 3 kids all of the time so it's more often me canceling than him. I can't tell you how to get over feeling this way because I still do but I can tell you that it doesn't make you less of an awesome mom because your disappointed. Trusting that you can be happy and that life can be good again will take time. This chapter 2 stuff can be a complete mind fuck.

The silver lining for your craptastic week is that you got a lot over with all at once. I hope that you can find some peace in the coming week.

1. Getting back to healthy eating 2. Son's team won their basketball game tonight and were good sports against an unsportsmanlike team 3. My dog. He loves me unconditionally, he listens very well, he never talks back or argues, and he is so soft.

I wish some magic happenened at the one year mark but not having to anticipate all of the "firsts" is the one thing. I have to agree that this group has saved my sanity on many occasions.

That's a tough one. Since you are not on speaking terms it can't just come up in conversation. I suppose you could bring it up as a general concern about flowers disappearing from your DHs grave and his parents but I think he will see through it as an accusation and based on his response to previous issues you brought up, it probably won't accomplish much. I can only imagine how hurtful this is to you. I have to make a confession. My husband only has a plot because in his final days he thought his mother might need a place to visit (she does not know that this wasn't always our plan) but I payed for it and she refused to help pick out the stone. She does visit offen and leaves things, lots of things. I don't find a lot of comfort there and don't go often but early on I wanted to go when I was really hurting and seeing all of the silly momentoes she left, which would've driven him crazy, I took a few of them and threw them away. Not a proud moment. The cemetery does occasionally clean up because you aren't supposed to do that so I'm not sure if she thought that's what happened, she never mentioned it. It's all been replaced and now I really don't go there because I find all of the trinkets to be too distracting.

1. Finished up the term at school today after a week of 4 tests and jet lag 2. Have some time off next week to work on my graduation project for my online class 3. Enjoying a glass of wine on the couch and no studying needing to be done

I can be a bad communicator at times too and it has lead to some arguments with NG. Texting definitely makes things worse in my opinion yet I continue to fall into that trap at times, especially when I'm being moody about multiple other things. My NG is usually the one who insists that we talk on the phone or face to face and he's usually right, it helps. Be persistent about talking to him, no matter what the outcome you won't know if this is something you can work through without talking. Stay strong and try to stay calm so you can communicate with an open mind and open heart. Edited because we were posting at the same time. I'm glad you're talking!

I'm not sure what age your kids, mine are older so I find vacationing alone with them pretty easy but there are definitely lonely moments. I think a beach resort that is family oriented is always a good option so you have activities right there. I have done Universal Studios Orlando which works well if everyone has similar tastes in rides. Watching intact families around a pool or at dinner can be a little difficult so an active trip is a good idea. Vacations are a great way to pull together as a family so I think the few downsides are totally worth it. Have fun planning!

I have guilt about how some of my choices have affected my kids or about not being fully present for them at times, especially in the first year. But as far as living my life, moving, going back to school, and falling in love I don't have guilt. I think if I wasn't taking steps forward, if I was letting his death permanently destroy me, I would feel guilty. He would never want that for me and it would dissapoint him. I just attended a seminar and one of the lectures was on self compassion and self forgiveness. It's easier said than done but one of the suggestions was to try to talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend.

I love the photo booth idea. I was at a New Years Eve party and the host did this. She put a plastic table cloth on the wall with lights and garland and had a lot of props to use. Hats, paper mustaches, glasses, feather boas. A fun idea!

(((Maureen))), holding you in my heart as you face these days ahead.

i was also wondering if it is a surprise. I think getting input from her would be the best but if it's a surprise maybe she has a best friend who could help you plan.

1. Attending an incredible educational retreat in Arizona 2. Amazing lectures and workshops from some leaders in the field of Integrative Medicine 3. Opening my mind and heart to new possibilities both personally and professionally

I wasn't giving the poor guy a diagnosis but you don't get jaundice because you need new glasses. I happen to be in healthcare and have a lot of experience with liver disease so I would be concerned for the guy too.

ugh, he either has no clue, is in denial, or purposely not sharing. Any of those reasons = no second date.

My husband decided at the last minute that he wanted a plot for his mom to visit and asked me to bury his ashes instead of spreading them as we had talked about before he ever got sick. I did as he asked and got a double plot. I have only visited a few times because it feels like it's more for my mother in law, she likes to leave things all over the plot that have no meaning to me and make me feel less connected to DH. I will have my ashes placed next to him or divided in half if I remarry or spread the other half somewhere special. It depends on when I go. New guy and I have discussed this because I'm a planner and have this need for him to know everything, just in case. I think it is a very difficult thing to have to decide within the first 48 hours after someone dies. I would not let them put my name on the other side of the marker because I thought that would be very hard for my kids to look at.

I mourn for the husband I lost, the innocence I had, the life we lived together as a family and with our friends, who I was and who my children were. It's all changed, we have all changed. There are times I torture myself by thinking he would've handled all of this much better than I am and that our kids would be better off if I was the one who died. There is no point in thinking that, of course there is no way to know how he would've handled it and we weren't given a choice of who would survive. Keep reading and writing here, for me it helps to know I'm not alone and that other people understand.

Congratulations and best wishes to you both!

I bought my son a used car when he got his license because frankly it was a huge help to me that he drive himself. I pay for the insurance and maintenance. He was responsible for gas until we moved, it now takes him 40 mins each way to and from school so I got him a gas card. I bought myself my first car and was responsible for everything when I was 17 but my parents did take over paying my insurance when I was in college so I feel a little conflicted about handing him everything. Honestly, it's mostly selfish because I have school, work and an 11 year old so I really need him to be able to get himself to and fro. As far as teaching them about money, I seem to have failed miserably with 19 year old but my 17 year old is doing slightly better. Money tends to burn a hole in his pocket taking the girl friend out. All 3 of my kids have saving accounts that they have no access to, money from first communion, confirmation, gifts etc. they have to have a good reason to get me to tap into that for them, so far only my 19 year old has and that's when he was away at college and not working.

I wanted to add that no one should have to take sides, not you and not your friends. You were loyal to your wife "until death do us part", it was not your choice to end your marriage. You can continue to honor her memory with your children and friends. Chapter 2 is just that, a new chapter. She not feel threatened by the memory of someone no longer here nor should she feel like she is being compared. Any friends who continue to do this may need a polite reminder that the the late Mrs X was a unique and important person in your life who can never be replaced for the role she played. But you are so grateful that you have found Ms Chapter 2, also a unique and wonderful person, to open your heart to. At this time in your life what you want and need in a relationship is different and you have found someone to fit those needs. If the friends don't get that, then they aren't great friends. As for chapter 2, she needs to address her insecurities and all you can do is reassure her that while your past is part of who you are, she is your present and hopefully your future. Pictures and memories are no threat when displayed or stored away respectfully. Best wishes, these are tricky waters we navigate.

I'm sorry things didn't work out but good for you for recognizing and standing up for what you need. It's all a learning experience, right?

My marriage was not perfect, good in many ways but lacking in others. I have struggled with this some since DH died. The whole idea that a person gets put on a pedestal just because they died has never sat well with me. The kids and I talk very honestly about DH, we laugh at the ridiculous things he did, talk about how we miss the wonderful things, and remember the ways he was frustrating. The more intimate difficulties in my marriage were not something I shared with anyone when DH was alive and I still feel no need to share these details with friends or family. A few things have come up with my chapter 2 only because I find them important to explain what I want and need and what I can't tolerate this go round. My priorities in a relationship now, at age 46, are very different than when I got married at 24 and I have had to work through that . NG knows I would have grown old with DH if the choice was mine despite our difficulties. As far as pictures go, there will always be some around, he is the father of my children. The more romantic couple pictures have been put away but there are plenty of family shots around.

Glad you can laugh about it now! Gee, I wonder why he's still single?

I love hearing your story. A chapter 2 relationship is not easy for many reasons but can also be incredible because of what we have learned from our experiences. Keep those lines of communication open and enjoy!