Trying

I am all too familiar with that feeling that yes I can do it but no I don't want to because there are certain things he could just do better.

This is the third birthday he is not here for, the third Super Bowl he missed was last night. Time has become such a strange thing these past 2 1/2 years. It seems impossible he has been gone so long yet it feels like it was another lifetime that he was here. I've been missing him a lot lately but I'm also having more trouble feeling him, like his spirit has been slipping away and we are less connected. I've been feeling like I need to slow down and allow myself time to let all of the memories in and sure enough I woke up today to school being closed for pending snow. Thank you Tim for this gift of a quiet day at home to lean into my love and my grief.

The way our roles were so well defined with the kids, the house, friends, church, chores. We knew who was responsible for what without ever sitting down to discuss it. We were Ying and Yang and balanced each other out (when we weren't driving each other crazy). Even when he would notice I had one of my migraines before I even knew it full blown and he'd get the kids out of the house and tell me to lay down in the quiet dark bedroom. When the migraine comes now, no one cares and life doesnt stop. Poor NG has been taking an emotional beating from me lately. He can't be all of the things that I want or need. He doesn't live here, he is not a parent to my kids, he has his own life and kids to worry about. He is the middle of his own tough time and has been very argumentative as well.

I used to complain about how type A and controlling DH was, he could make me feel like I was not capable of handling things because his way was always better. But lately I am missing being taken care of. He made sure the cars were serviced on a strict schedule, he knew if the tires were getting bald, he would've organized my home renovations, lining up all of the contractors so all I had to do was the design stuff. Now there is no one but me and I don't even know where to begin on the renovations. Everyone I talk to says something else and I feel completely out of my depth. I have done so much on my own since he died that has made me feel proud and capable. But now that I've proven I can do it, I don't want to have to. I want to pick out cabinets and countertops, appliances and fixtures, paint colors and flooring. I want him to handle permits and plumbing, electric and gas. I want him to make the phone calls and get people to do what they are supposed to do and handle the headaches. I want him to hold me at night and tell me he will take care of it when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I want someone who anticipates what needs to be done around the house and does it without being asked. I may be setting the feminist move back a few decades but I miss having a man take care of me so that I had the energy to take care of him. I've go no energy left for anyone.

Thank you for sharing how well the meeting went! Like SVS I am so happy to hear about you opening to the idea of allowing yourself some joy and easing the feelings of guilt that you have shared with us. You deserve to have someone who cares for you and about you, it's the best way to keep the well full for all you want to give your DD, your dogs, your FIL, your job. I know we shouldn't need someone else to validate that we are smart, beautiful, and have worth but there are times when seeing ourselves reflected in someone else's eyes can help quiet the self doubt. I'm glad you have found someone who does that for you.

What a heartless coward! I am so sorry that he doesn't have more respect for you after the time you have shared to break up with you like a grownup. As painful as this must be you at least know for sure that he is not the man for you. Tight hugs to you as heal from this.

Wouldn't it be better if we could choose when the waves of grief would hit? I hope that the good cry has helped and that today goes a little smoother.

I wouldn't say I bring him up a lot anymore but like MrsDan said, in the beginning of our relationship I talked a lot more about him n the context of getting to know each other. For 25 years of my life he was a part of all of my stories so it's always going to come up. I'm respectful of NG by not comparing them and not putting DH on a pedestal that no one could live up to. NG is divorced and most stories about his ex are negative because they are not in a good place yet, in the beginning I did ask him to tell me more about their early days together, the positive stuff. I think the past is an important piece to share as long as we spend more time looking forward than looking backward.

(((Amor)))

Some days it all just gets to be too much doesn't it? It's hard to imagine losing both your mom and your husband in such a short time, I'm sure each would've been a huge support in your grief of the other. As for the assholes, God bless them for their ignorance because it means they haven't suffered major loss. It does make it hard to open up to those who don't understand. I have isolated myself from so many people so I have added to my own problems with friends. At some point I hope to start changing that if I still can. And quitting smoking is the best gift you will ever give yourself! Be prepared to be a major bitch at first but keep your eye on the prize. My boyfriend used an app that counted days and showed what positive changes were happening each day he didn't smoke. Put your cigarette money in a jar and at the end of 2 weeks treat yourself to something with the money you saved! You can do this, you've suffered through far worse than nicotine withdrawal and survived. Find your moms voice in your head today, I know it's there, and look for something to smile about. A bowl of ice cream, a bird outside your window, a fluffy dog, anything. Not as a way to ignore your grief but to balance it out. I hope you have a more gentle day. Keep posting.

MrsDan you don't have to justify your actions to anyone here or anyone anywhere else. Your DD will learn what is acceptable behavior for an adult because of your healthy example and what is acceptable for a child because of your teaching and the rules you enforce. From all of your postings I know you do not jump into anything without thinking about the impact on your daughter, she is very lucky to have you.

for me, and of course this is just my opinion, I would be much more comfortable about sleepovers if my kids were your daughters age. While she may have issues with sharing you with another person she will not understand the sexual implications of a man sleeping in your room. As far as the example you're setting, it's not like you are parading different men in and out. You are in a comitted relationship and if that is in alignment with your values then I see nothing wrong with it. Again, just my opinion. It sounds like it's time they meet, it would be much harder if the meeting was accidental in the middle of the night! I know you will be sensitive about slowly integrating him into her life, you are a very caring mom and this doesn't change that.

I am so sorry to hear about your beloved cat. I can see why this would be triggering to all of you. My heart is with you and your kids as you wait for more information and face the decisions ahead.

I agree that is silent treatment is very juvenile. I would not be capable of doing that to someone I cared about even if I was angry about something. I'm sure this is very hurtful and I hope he mans up and let's you know one way or another what is going on.

I think there are simply different parenting styles, regardless of married, divorced, widowed, single. I think it's good to be looking at your differences now, you can have some healthy conversations about it before you get to the point of combining households (if that's where youre headed).

Awesome! I'm glad it was such a success, way to go!

Theresa I am very sorry to hear about your loss. You have found the best place to be when the worst thing happens.

Thanks everyone, I had a bit of a meltdown last night for a couple different reasons. I'm feeling a lot of heartbreak and guilt about my older son. He was such a good kid before his Dad died and I feel like I have failed him. I know he is responsible for himself and his choices at 19 but I can't help but feel partially responsible. I was always proud of the Mom I was before. My other issue is my weight. I have not been able to get control of it since becoming a widow. I do well for a few months, eating healthy and exercising and then I slip back into laziness. I saw a picture of myself yesterday and it just set me off. I'm so embarrassed that I am educated in fitness and nutrition and I'm overweight. I had 2 people confront me, lovingly, this week on my excuses in this area and I realize that all I have is empty excuses. My children and my health need to be my top priorities, not just in my heart but in my actions. Thanks for the support and the space to vent. I continue to be amazed at hard this life is.

I generally plug along and do what needs to be done. I'm making forward progress in some areas of my life but failing miserably in others. I can ignore those areas most of he time because I am so damn busy but some days all of my failings seem to have a spotlight shining in them and I can't ignore them any longer. The answer is pretty simple, just do something about it, just change. So why isn't it so simple? I can't keep complaining about the same things over and over and not do anything about it, I need to do better, be better. It really should be that simple, right? I'm really not happy with the new me, this person I barely recognize.

(((MissingSquish))) I am sorry that dating has been so hard. I don't really have any dating advice since I never dated before getting involved with someone from my past, but listening to others here and friends of mine it seems like a whole lot of time and effort goes into it. I give you so much credit for putting yourself out there and I really think you will find someone that you connect with but it must be discouraging weeding through all of the mismatches along the way. The good news is that you are not willing to just settle in order to be in a relationship, you are looking for a real connection. Keep looking for fun ways to meet people so you are enjoying yourself more along the way.

My status says widowed and I never had any creepers. I won't change it to "in a relationship" until we are engaged probably, I'm pretty private, we've only put 2 pictures of us together on FB in the almost 2 years we've been dating but I don't really put many pictures of myself on anyway.

You should be so proud of yourself for seeing the big picture for your son and all 3 of your children, and finding a way to get him what he needs. I'm sure with the stress of getting your house ready to sell you are feeling extra emotional, I know I was last year. You have a lot of additional stress in the months ahead but this move sounds like the right choice for your family and it will all be worth it. For now, your family dynamics will shift and maybe you see the other 2 adjusting and taking on new roles. How awesome that your oldest is adjusting and thriving so well, he sounds like a remarkable boy!

Fuck insomnia

Don't worry SB, the teenage years are designed so that you can't wait for them to get the hell out and go to college, lol! Until then, hang in, you'll all be back together before you know it.

Wow, if anyone deserves to vent it's you! When I know I can't afford the luxury of a bid cry I crank up the music in my car and sing at the top of my lungs, it's a temporary release but usually can hold me over. Wishing you smoother sailing tomorrow.