Trying

That is way too much for anyone to be expected to deal with. I wish there was a way for a timeout when every thing seems to piling on so you could just escape for a little while. Big hugs to you.

I'm so sorry to hear about your FIL, f***ing cancer just sucks.

MrsDan, i went through a period in the early months of my chapter 2 relationship that I became very angry with DH. Our problems were not as severe as alcoholism but there were problems that became all the more obvious when I was in a relationship that didn't have those same issues. I also was always fine when NG and I were together but my mind would turn on me when I was alone and overthinking everything. I think some of my anger was misplaced guilt that I was so happy with another man. Some of it was feeling like we had wasted the time we had when he was alive. The good news is that my anger with DH has eased up and my new relationship may be better in some ways but not in others. I'm at the point where I am mostly accepting that the 2 relationships are separate and different. It's ok if NG makes me happier in some ways and it's ok if I miss DH for who he was in my life for over 20 years. I don't have any answers really but I think that if you acknowledge the way you are feeling and continue to try to be "in the moment" with Boyfriend, time will level off the negative thoughts.

I think it all comes down to what each if you is willing or not willing to compromise. I was raised Presbyterian and DH was Catholic. He felt strongly about our kids being raised Catholic, I was ok with it, as long as they were raised Christian I was able to overlook some of the "rules" I didn't agree with. I have always taken communion in the Carholic church because I was raised that I can take communion in any Christian church. The funny thing is, I was always the one in charge of all of their religious ed requirements and volunteering and went to all of the meetings for first communion and confirmation, not DH. The fact that you each have children raised in different churches makes it a bit more complicated than a young couple starting out. Can you each stick with your own church until the kids are grown and then revisit the conversation? You can always compromise on holidays and go with each other.

Mel, I'm glad he's being nice to you, obviously there is a lot of good in him because you fell in love with him. I would be cautious about too much contact so soon after a breakup. I think it can make things confusing and leave you with hope, even if subconsciously, that could delay you from processing the end of the relationship. Just my 2 cents for whatever that's worth. Take care of your heart.

Thanks Hachi, I will look into that.

Oh Klim, we have been through so many similar things and it's just so hard. I really don't know what the right balance is between supporting and pushing or if I am enabling him. I feel like I've lost all objectivity and confidence in myself to do the right things for him to encourage him and help him get on his feet. The important thing to me is that he knows I believe in him. I think giving your son weekly goals is a good idea and we have to set them based on where they are at not where we wish they would be. I hope within this year we are both reporting some forward momentum for our young men.

Mrskro you deserve to stomp your feet and have a full on f*** you rant! I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad and your insensitive siblings. Take some time for yourself and ride out this tough wave of grief.

1. Snow storm wasn't bad where I am, had fun being snowed in yesterday 2. Baby sat NG's kids for 24 hours while he plowed roads and all 3 of my boys were great with them (his are little) 3. Fun sledding yesterday and today!

my first snow storm was around 4 months and I remember my kids all got invited somewhere and no one even called to make sure I was ok. My neighbor posted pictures on FB baking cookies with her kids and my son and comments about fun it is to be snowed in together. She never even thought to invite me over and my son was so worried about me being home alone he called several times. I cried for hours and have never felt more lonely before that night or since. It is easier to deal with 2 years later but being snowed in is still a reminder of those cozy days together.

He is picking up lifeguarding hours at the high school pool and filling in some coaching but it's not enough

Mel I am very sorry, this must be so painful for you. Keep taking care of yourself and be patient with your heart.

Thank you all for your input and support. Oldest son's issues have been the hardest part of this journey for me. I have worked hard to find ways to help myself with moderate success but my efforts to help him have all failed. The depression, which for him is expressed with anger and loss of self esteem, is the biggest worry. He doesn't agree that he's depressed because he is able to laugh and isn't shut up in his bed all day. I feel very strongly that with the right meds to help put him in balance he would be able to benefit from therapy but he flat out refuses. He has said if I make it a condition of living at home like I did last year he will leave. He's working hard at being pleasant but the minute something serious comes up that anger is right there under the surface waiting to boil over. My 11 year old son seems to be the one bright spot in his life, he loves spending time with him and is a great big brother. I will keep trying to gently get through to him about getting help and he knows if I see any serious warning signs I will force the issue.

I'm glad you found us still_lost, unfortunately there are many of us here who are in similar situations and fortunately we understand and can support each other. The solo parenting is tough and it sounds like you've been doing it since almost the beginning. There are several wids here who lost their spouse with a baby in the family who I'm sure can chime in, our parenting section is a great place to vent and to get advice.

Those of you who have been around awhile have heard about my oldest sons struggles from the beginning but I will give a quick recap. He was 17 and just starting his senior year in highschool when his Dad died had to have shoulder surgery in the middle of his swim season senior year, missed out on the glory Had multiple melt downs at every holiday and special occasion for the first year Got into college and decided to swim, freaked out when we were going to meet the coach had to reschedule and we ended up in the ER because I was worried he was suicidal Seemed happy to college, tore his shoulder again and flunked out Forced him into therapy, did not fully participate Had surgery again, stayed home for a semester, got a job when shoulder healed Wanted to return to college, swearing he was in the right mind set Swore to me all fall he was doing well at school Flunked out again. So here we are, he's home again and no long term plans. I made him sign a contract about his responsibilities if he wants to remain in the home and a timeline of taking over his own bills and being charged a small amount for room and board. He has been putting in applications all over and I gave him until March before he has to start paying for his phone and car insurance/maintenance/gas. I am giving him no spending money, just the use of the gas card until he gets a job. My heart is broken. He is obviously depressed, has zero self esteem or ambition, refuses to return to therapy or consider meds. I have told him repeatedly how much I love him and believe in him and that I will always support him, but not financially. I know this is his journey and that I can't fix it for him but I go back and forth between sad, angry at him, feeling like I failed him, angry at DH for leaving us. I'm having trouble telling anyone what's going on, all of my friends kids are doing amazing in college and they brag constantly about them. I am open to any advice on how to handle this.

Mel I'm very sorry to hear you are hurting, we are here if you need to talk about it.

New guy only when referring to him here. I have said boyfriend a few times but it feels weird at 46. "The guy I'm seeing" in conversation with others. I use just his name when I introduce him with no qualifiers and then he laughs at me because I'm so awkward about it!

Always great to hear happy updates Tori! I find it silly to say boyfriend too. I only refer to him as New Guy here, not in real life.

I am in massage therapy school doing an accelerated course and will be done in May and be ready to sit for my license. I am also doing an online certificate program through University of Arizona in Integrative Medicine, I will be done with that program in April if I can get my graduation project done. I will be spending the next few months studying, getting my massage hours in, researching, and trying to figure out how I am going to combine these 2 new credentials with my physical therapy degree to make a career change.

I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers.

Jazzy I am so sorry you had a need to find us but you are in the right place. There is so much to deal with early on and having this group helped me feel less crazy. You must still be in bit of shock from the suddenness of losing your DH, and those moments when reality hits are so painful. Take whatever help you can get for now, try to eat some and drink a lot of water. There is no easy way around this part, you just have to go through it, unfortunately. It will get easier eventually but in the meantime lean on whoever you can, including all of us.

Bless you for being there for this boy during such a tragic time, what an awful situation.

"Some things in life can not be fixed, they can only be carried." Yes, this^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I wish I had this gem sooner as a response to well meaning people. I don't feel as much anger anymore towards people who serve up platitudes, I realize it is their desire to say something helpful and a lack of experience of what may actually be helpful. To be able to gently say this to someone who is trying to make sense of tragedy is helpful.

I can understand your concerns about him not wanting to say the words especially if you are feeling it and wanting to express it. I think the best thing for your own sanity is to look closely to see if his actions are speaking louder than his lack of words. We each have our issues after a divorce or loss of a spouse that are unique to our own situation. If you are feeling loved and committed to than maybe you can give him a pass a little longer. He is probably fooling himself into thinking that if he doesn't say the words it won't hurt as much if he's betrayed again. My NG has given me a pass on a few areas because he is confident we have a commitment to each other and a plan for the future even if our timeline and logistics aren't in total agreement right now. If he forced me to choose his way or the highway, I probably would run because I have my own issues to work out first.

I think it's great that you felt comfortable enough to open up to them. I don't do that with any friends and have isolated myself as a result. I have only one friend who doesn't let me stay quiet about my life, the rest seem mostly relieved that I don't want to talk about it and ok with keeping their distance. I hope this has opened a door for you so you know you have true friends to turn to.