Trying

I am so sorry to hear about your sister, my heart goes out to you and the whole family. I have absolutely nothing to offer but my sympathy. Yes, you will be able to provide an understanding for your BIL that no one else can but you also have to mourn the loss of your sister. Be gentle with yourself.

I'm not sure if its insecurity, he really is very supportive of the changes I'm making. He has been spending more time around my boys and my oldest and youngest have warmed to him and his boys (who are much younger). My middle one is tolerating him which is an improvement. He met my mom when she stopped for a quick visit on her way through our state. I think he really just wants to be at the cohabitating (or married) phase. He doesn't pressure me because he knows where I'm at. He only has his kids part time, they are young and not yet involved in much, he has no family near by, and when he's gone to family events recently I haven't been free to join him. It's not that I don't want everything he does, my time frame is just different. I planned a weekend getaway in September to one of his favorite places which will be great for us but he is really craving the every day togetherness. Someone to come home to. We talk a lot about "someday..." and he says he's not going any where or giving me any ultimatums, he will wait. But the impatience is starting to show through.

As You know I've been making some major changes in my life. New house, going back to school, working on my own health and wellness and figuring out a new career path. All very positive personal changes. Part of the move was to make a fresh start so NG could be more a part of my home life without my kids feeling like he is in their Dads space.(many other reasons for the move too). He has been around more and I think it's going well. All of this change is very time consuming and fills most of my thoughts and efforts too. NG has been so supportive and gets that a better me means a better us. Lately however, he seems to feel left out. As I'm celebrating steps forward in our relationship and in my life he is suddenly focusing on how far we still have to go. I'm trying to be sensitive to this and planned a weekend away in September for just the 2 of us, something we've barely ever done. Has anyone else experienced this? I'm looking at my personal growth as allowing more space for him and our future and he seems to see it as him being left out. We are out of synch I guess and I want to get back in synch.

For those of you who don't remember my story I will give a quick recap. DH died 3 weeks into my oldests senior year of highschool. He went off to college last fall and was on the swim team. I thought he was doing well but he wasn't, he was put on academic suspension and ended up needing surgery on his shoulder (the second in 2 years) ending his swimming career also. It was along winter having him home,marrying to work through anger issues and lack of motivation. This spring and summer he seems to have turned a corner, he worked very hard, our relationship is much stronger. There is still that anger and strong emotion right under the surface but he has been trying to express it to me more rather than letting it build, the last big out burst was in May. I don't think he is out of the woods completely but he wants to give school a try again so here we go. I am nervous. I am trying to be hopeful and confident and hate the idea that I am going to have to check up on him more this time. Screwing up again would financially be extremely costly not to mention the emotional aspect of failing again. I want him to have the positive experience of being away from home, spreading his wings, finding his passion. Finding a balance between telling him I know he can do this, he's smart and responsible and hard working and being realistic with him that if he screws up again I'm not paying for him to be away again. Thanks for listening. Any advice or personal experience would be so greatly appreciated!

I think it's ok to check in with a quick email periodically, every 2 weeks maybe or if something specific comes up. Teachers appreciate knowing if something different is going on at home. She can update you on your child's adjustment. From my experience, my 3 boys are very different at home than at school. School is an escape for my youngest, he doesn't want to feel different but he is pretty matter of fact about his situation. My oldest had a big chip on his shoulder because he was much older and everyone knew his Dad so well. My middle son picked one adult at his school to go to. Good luck with the start of school, kindergarten is an adjustment under the best of circumstances but hopefully an exciting and positive one!

I have started it but not as far along as you, hoping to get into it more later this week

I hope today is a better day.

Or just write with a sharpie on your palm, lol

I get that, the positive changes I am making leave me wanting to share it all with him. Yet, I wouldn't be making most of these changes if he was here...

(((MS))) after reading your post I realize I've never gone through the loss of a dear pet alone. My heart really breaks for you. I've also never had a new puppy alone (even if it always felt like I did 90%, lol) and I think about you navigating that alone too. Nothing constructive to add, just that I hear you and am thinking about you.

Sending you both hugs! I am sitting home, with a glass of wine on the couch. Getting ready to bring oldest back to college on Monday after a failed round one last year. I'm nervous, trying to be confident and hopeful, I want so badly for him to be happy and successful. Anyway, should be finishing unpacking those last 3 boxes in the dining room but the couch has sucked me in.

I think kids handle the pressures of highschool in different ways. Some get amped up and super crazy trying to be perfect and have to get into the perfect school or they will just die! Others avoid because they don't have the confidence or can't handle the pressure. My oldest was an avoider. My middle son is going into his senior year of high school, has always been disorganized and lazy about homework but suddenly he's even oversleeping for summer football practice (his passion) and didn't do his summer reading. He hasn't started the common app and is taking no initiative on the college search yet talks to other people about how he can't wait for college and all of the plans he has about where he's applying. Teenagers are the most frustrating creatures!! In addition to setting parameters about electronics maybe try to see if she will open up about what is bothering her. I haven't had much luck with getting my boys to open up but I keep trying.

The days are long but the years fly by...(((cmf)))

I started a relationship early out, I had a lot of the same thoughts you are having. I have to say that it did make things more complicated in the beginning because I was still actively grieving and my children weren't ready for me to date. But, he and I are still happily together and I feel so lucky to have found someone who has been so understanding of the complexities of being in a relationship with a recent widow. There is no right or wrong. There is no "appropriate" amount of time(although people WILL judge). You have a big heart that you want to share with someone in the here and now. That is totally understandable. You will continue to love and miss your wife even if you love another, the heart is amazing that way, it creates a whole new space for a new person instaed of filling in the space left by the one you lost. Take it slow and enjoy those warm fuzzy feelings, they make you feel alive!

I totally understand the desire to get another dog right away, when you are used to that constant companionship and unconditional love the house can feel so empty! After I lost my black lab who we had for 13 years, I forced myself to wait before deciding what to do next. I ended up waiting almost a year because I didn't want to puppy train in The dead of winter. I ended up going with a labradoodle because after living a few months without the endless shedding I realized that I wanted a lab personality without the twice a day vacuuming. I think a little time to get some clarity is a good idea. Maybe you will decide to go with a breed that fits your lifestyle better or maybe you will decide the challenges of a Doberman are worth it. It may just take some time to make a decision with your head and not only your heart. And again, I am so sorry for your loss.

1. Helen bumped this thread (echoing Gracelet) 2. Unpacked a few more boxes today 3. Getting oldest ready to head back to college

I don't want to overstep my bounds because I hear the desperation in your posts and I feel terrible for the difficult circumstances you have been in since Chad died. You didn't choose this life, it chose you and you done an amazing job keeping your head above water. But here is my question. Do your children work and contribute to the household expenses? Having them contribute half of their pay to the household is not unreasonable and sounds like it is necessary. My parents charged me rent once I was of age and working, not because they needed the money but to teach me financial responsibility. I can only imagine that it's a very difficult thing to discuss with your kids but you are not a failure! You are doing the best you can under very difficult circumstances. They are old enough to understand the reality of your financial strain. (((Carey)))

I am back to school after 24 years! This week I started an online certification program in Integrative medicine and in 2 weeks I start my onsite massage therapy program. Doing both full time I will done end of May which gives me not much time to figure out how to bring my career vision into reality. Time management and technology will be my biggest obstacles I think.

My Dad died in 2008 in early December after a 3 month battle with cancer. My parents lived 2 1/2 hours away and I was back and forth a lot during those 3 months and stayed there the last few weeks to help care for him, not returning home until after the funeral. After a long drive and an emotional few weeks, I walked into our house to find it completely decorated for Christmas! Now I go crazy(or did) with Christmas decorations so this was no easy job for him and our 3 young boys but they did it before driving down for the funeral because he knew I wouldn't have the time or energy to do it and how upset I would be without my house decorated. Later after DH died, when people were asking what they could do to help, I thought of this often. I never would've asked DH to do that, probably never would've thought of it in my grief over my Dad, but he just knew it was what I needed and did it. Thats love.

Such a difficult thing to say goodbye to such important member of your family. Big hugs to you

Needytoo, I'm glad I'm not the only one struggling with this but sorry that you are too. I have so much trouble telling someone they hurt my feelings or pissed me off. Often though it's not even meant as a criticism towards me, it's just someone asking questions and I get so defensive and insecure. Poor new guy gets the brunt of those reactions, if he asks why I did something or did I think of doing this or that I immediately think he is saying I am incompetent. He often tells me how he thinks I handle my widowed life and solo parenting amazingly well but somehow I don't hear that, I only hear the imagined criticism. My confidence is improving but I guess I have a long way to go still. I may have to pick up The Power of Now, it sounds like what I'm striving for. Keep practicing living in the present and hopefully it will become your way of life, and mine!

I have been actively making all kinds of positive life changes in the past couple of months, trying to carve out a future and embrace my present instead of dwelling on all that I have lost. It's working for the most part. I am so busy which leaves less time to dwell, I am excited about making my new house a home, enjoying the peacefulness of the lake across the street, motivated by starting classes, exercising more, eating healthier, and looking towards the future with new guy. In general I feel more confident in myself than I ever have. But...the minute someone even questions one of my decisions I get totally defensive and take it as a major criticism. All of that new found confidence crumbles and I feel like I've been fooling myself. I understand it's a process but damn, why is it so hard? At what point do you stop worrying what other people think and just live your life?

That was very inappropriate of your mom to discuss this with your daughter! I've not been in your situation so I have no experience to draw from. Maybe a children or family counselor could advise you and be in place to help you need your boy when the time comes to tell him. My experience with raising kids is that the younger they are, the more matter of fact they handle things, as they get a little older it gets harder. It must be incredibly hard to know that your son will never know his father but what a blessing that he has your bf in his life as a male role model. Wishing you and your family the best

I'm so sorry, sending hugs to you and your children.

Yes! About the good things that are going on, to get his opinion on the tough stuff going on, and those shared memories. I have the worlds worst memory and Tim could remember everything. Several times a week I want to know someone's name or what was that place we went to when...and there is no one to ask.