Trying

Thanks for the update Maureen. SimiRed we are all pulling for, stay strong and stay safe!

I am all about simplifying. If that means less financial burden or less time spent on upkeep and repairs or both is a matter of what is stressful to you. I am big on security for retirement because I work with seniors and I see the downside of relying only only social security. My current house is way too much work as well as too much money so I am selling it. For the area I live in, with kids, there are no real rental options so I am buying a smaller home but the idea of renting and having no maintenance responsibility sounds wonderful. Amazing how our "dream" and what we think we need changes. This house was our dream and we had 13 amazing years here as a family. The last 20 months have felt more like this house is an anchor weighing me down.

I just wanted to tell you that I get it and I'm so sorry. My family also has a special place and the thought of losing it would be heart breaking. Such wonderful memories you and your children have of your times there.

There are definitely pros and cons to dating a widow/er. We don't bring angry bitter exes into the relationship and in the case of those with kids, no co-parenting stress. We have proven we can commit "until death do us part" weathering even difficult times as a couple. We appreciate what we have and who we love because we understand how it can all disappear in a heartbeat. However, a new love knows that we will never stop loving another and that many of us can not say "you are the great love of my life" . We come with fears about accidents or health issues that can seem irrational to someone who hasn't lost someone, because we know that our worst fears can happen. We have unpredictable grief triggers that no one can prevent. Our family and friends may hold our lost loves on a pedestal so that no one else can ever measure up. In my case, my children are not ready for me to be in a relationship and make things difficult. Hopefully our good outweighs our bad. When I am feeling guilty about the obstacles my situation brings to our relationship new guy reminds me that it is his choice to be with me and as hard as it can sometimes be he thinks it's worth it.

Unmotivated is the most frustrating to me. You want them to want more for themselves but you can't threaten or punish motivation into them. Also no answers as I am struggling myself with my oldest, but sending you hugs and support.

I agree with SVS that all of our situations are very unique and we each need to find our own way. We were all unique before we lost our loves, our relationships were all very different and our journeys as widow/ers will all be different. My new relationship does provide me with distraction and hope that I am very grateful for. It has added complications too but the positives definitely outweigh the negatives. I am in no way trying to minimize the depths of pain our grief causes by talking about positive thinking. I am as much talking to myself as I am to anyone else. I have been facing some very difficult times and am fighting to not let it take me under. I tell myself many times a day that even though today might totally suck, it won't always. So many others have rebuilt their lives and found a new way of happiness while living with their grief so I tell myself that it's possible for me too. I don't talk about my grief to many people IRL because they don't understand and either expect me to be over it or think I should still should be in bed under the covers unable to survive. I have a therapist, I have all of you and a select few people that I can express it to so it's not bottled up. We need hope or else we have nothing. Hope doesn't mean denying the pain but having faith that things will change in time. Change doesn't fall into our laps, we have to make it happen and be willing to keep going even when we take 1 step forward and 2 steps back until we reach our stride. Maybe instead of choose happiness it should be choose hope. As bad as today may be choose to hope that the future will be better.

Jess you are very wise and give very good advice. My mother was widowed at 66, just 5 years before me, and she was one of the people who told me that she wakes up every day and makes the choice to be happy. We celebrate my Dad's birthday instead of marking the anniversary of his death with any significant gestures (although I always send her a poinsettia because it's in December.). At first I thought she was crazy. Now, If I'm having a bad day or a bad moment I work hard to change the negative thought patterns from "it will always feel like this, it will never get better" to "this sucks right now but it won't always be like this, I will be happy again". I no longer feel guilty when I feel happy or hopeful. I may yell at or cry to DH when I am sad or overwhelmed but I also talk to him when something good happens or I do something he would be proud of. If you have had joy, happiness and love before (which you obviously did) than you are capable of that again. You may need to redefine what happiness is and accept new ways of finding it as Jess said. You may need some help in breaking the cycle so you can be open to letting happiness in. Self help, cognitive behavioral therapy, spiritual advisor, antidepressants, dramatic lifestyle changes or whatever is right for you. Make a choice to try to find happiness. Not by denying your grief, because you have to give grief it's time and space, but by searching for it in small ways and profound ways because you know you deserve it. Grief is always going to be a part of us but it doesn't have to define us.

Starting my prayers now! I am so proud of you for taking this brave step. Stay safe, stay strong, we are all behind you.

It's such a huge undertaking on your own! You will get it done in time. Bedroom, bathroom and kitchen being functional then the rest whenever you get to it (remind me of my wise words in 2 months please! Lol) I'm glad you have room for storage so you didn't have to part with all of your DH's collections. There is only so much we can expect of ourselves. Is it possible to plan a weekend get away so you just get away from it all for a short time?

Safe travels, I look forward to hearing about all of your adventures!

(((Klim))) It's not only ok, it completely normal and human. Strong means you keep going despite anxiety, sadness or whatever. Strong means knowing when to take a pause, ask for help, lean on others. Strong means knowing your own limitations. Give yourself the time to process this and feel all that you are feeling. You will deal with but you don't have to right now. Your DH should be with as you face an empty nest. That's the way we all planned it.

Weekend goals completed! This week: Schedule eye Dr appointment for youngest and I Post pictures of furniture and other big items on virtual tag sale Clean out pantry Camp physical form to pediatrician for youngest Virgo, good luck cleaning out the garage, we did that yesterday. Not a fun job but it feels so good when it's done!

Klim, good luck to you and your son with the big decision. It's such a leap of faith and while I think it is ok to stumble, I worry about out right failure. I hope your son is able to spread his wings so that he is more open when he comes back to the nest. We had a therapy session together this week in addition to,his regular session. I think it was helpful and his therapist agreed that I have allowed them to disrespect me in a way I never did before DH died. He gave me some tools and fair warning to my son that I wasn't going to tolerate his outbursts anymore. It was also a good opportunity to acknowledge the progress he has made and how much better our relationship has been the past couple of months. Yesterday we went out on he boat, just the 4 of us, which was a huge trigger for my oldest last summer, and had a great time. Cautiously optimistic? Still more cautious at this point but hope is sneaking in slowly.

Congratulations and best wishes with your new home!

I missed the offending comment but had been following the thread as well as commenting myself. I don't have a problem with closing the thread, there was no more good that could have come from it. But I do think it was an important topic for this section for a few reasons and therefor think it should have remained to be read even if no further comments were allowed. Many of us crave the intimacy of having a committed relationship again and I think that our judgement can be clouded in the early rush of having someone care about us. I started my relationship early on and questioned my judgement many times, seeking advice and opinions here (and ywbb). We care about each other and I think that was evident in the responses and concern everyone showed. Some people here are so generous in sharing their own past heart aches and mistakes in an attempt to spare someone else from going down the same road. Sometimes we really don't want to listen to advice and this thread was a good example that if we don't want opinions or advice then we shouldn't ask for it. While we will never all agree on any topic we should be open to opinions that are different than our own because there might be something to learn. I agree that losing the history of threads from ywbb was also a loss of valuable information. Deleting an entire thread means a denial that it ever happened. Now, if history repeats itself for either the OP or for someone else, we don't have this thread to go back to. Sometimes the more delicate or embarrassing topics are hard to bring up but I know I can search back and someone else has probably gone through something similar. All that being said, I would not want the responsibility of monitoring this board or any other. There's a damned if you do, damned if you don't feeling. It's a learning curve and I respect the wonderful people who gave us this home when we were all lost.

The first year was horrible I have to say. Tim died only 4 months after his cancer diagnosis and May through September last year I did a lot of reliving the year before. I think distraction is the best answer although some days I just couldn't avoid it. The good news is that I am now at 2 years from his diagnosis and I am not focusing on when he was sick, it's getting much easier to remember all if the other great years. Big tight hugs to you as you get through this tough month. Maybe find a picture from a happier summer and look at it when you start dwelling on last year. Aside from that just remember that this will pass, the pain will become less acute again, you will get through this just like you have gotten through the last 11 months.

Tight hugs BH2. Days like this it's harder to imagine how to "get on with it".

Rant away! The system is so broken, those who need help are denied and those who are more than capable of working are allowed to milk the system. I don't have any answers (or any sperm!) but I can loan you a kid or 2 if it would help.

Fingers and toes crossed MrsDan! I really hope this works out for you and I say the widow card is just your reality so nothing wrong with stating facts.

Definitely warrants a conversation. Maybe it was her googling you or maybe she's going through her own stuff, the only way to find out is to talk about it. Everyone has a right to step back and slow down, we advise each other here to do that when red flags pop up. Out of respect she should have told you that. Good luck!

I've been looking for someone who puts "face sitting" in their profile, back off ladies he is all mine!

For my birthday last month my SIL gave me a gift certificate to a new spa that opened near us. I tried to get a massage appointment for our anniversary last week but they were booked so I went today. I was having a very nice, quiet massage when the massage therapist suddenly asked how I felt about mediums. I told her I was open and had been to one a few times. She then proceeded to tell me that DH was trying to talk to me and was very persistent! He orchestrated the while thing because he knew I needed to hear from him, his sister gave me the gift certificate and this women was not working on my anniversary and it had to be her to do my massage. She went on about he thought the "red car" was a safe and dependable choice. (I bought my son a used red Subaru when he got his license a few months ago) and that my decision with the house was was good for all of us because I need to "simplify" and start my "chapter 2". There was much more but she said he knew I needed to hear from him that he's proud of me and the boys and that we will all be ok even though it's hard right now. What an amazing and unexpected bonus. She does not do readings at this spa but does do them at her home and said it occasionally happens during a massage but it's hard to bring it up because that's not what people are there for and she isn't sure what reaction she will get. It's been such a stressful couple of weeks with the house decision and my son's meltdown so I have been "talking" to him more than usual. I know that not everyone believes in this but for those who do and those who are on the fence, I wanted to share.

Jess, tight hugs to you! What an emotional thing moving is. Have a good cry as you close one door and open another. I wish you peace in your new home.

Grace I admire how open and honest you are in sharing your journey with all of it's painful reality as well as your hopeful forward looking outlook. By being so open you will weed out the women who just are not right for you pretty early on. Don't be offended by those who walk (or run!) from you, they are making way for the right person to find you. Continue to be your amazing authentic self!

IfIonlycould sounds like a busy weekend! My weekend goals Clean out garage Clean out basement Pay bills Laundry, grocery shop and regular weekend chores