Trying

Oh Lost, I can't imagine what a book like that would do to you. Knowing with the internet that your son will be able to access more details than he should ever know someday must make you feel out if control. Hopefully you will be able to protect him as long as possible and continue to answer his questions in an age appropriate way as he grows so he doesn't start searching elsewhere for answers. Big hugs

I think it must be very different for those in their 20's or early 30's who were just starting out with maybe dreams of starting a family with their love. If that is what you want I think you do have to more actively look for a mate. At my age it's gravy on top. I have a family and even if I remarry some day I won't get back that normal family that I had. But when you're young, you have the opportunity to start a family with someone new. It won't change missing the love you lost but it will give you a chance to have the type of life you want. That's complicated enough for someone single but for a widow is even more so. I'm sure it's hard to put yourself out there and weed thru the poor matches but if if it's what you want the effort will pay off.

Great pictures, thanks for sharing!

My DH was diagnosed with Chrohn's Disease when I was pregnant with our oldest though he showed symptoms when I met him at 20. My middle son was diagnosed was Chrohn's Disease and an associated untreatable liver disease at age 12, he will need a liver transplant at some point(hopefully far in the future). DH died of a neuroendocrine cancer that started in his colon at age 45. Today my oldest was scheduled for a CAT Scan, colonoscopy and endoscopy because of severe weight loss and constant diarrhea and they are thinking it's Chrohn's. I can't do this again with someone I love. I took him to DHs doctor instead of the pediatric GI his brother goes to because he is 19. Same office I was at so many times with DH. Same doctor who stuck by us through his cancer and had the whole hospital jumping through hoops for DH. I'm not strong enough and I feel so alone and scared. How do I reassure him when he knows as much as he does? He's been so emotionally fragile, how can he handle all of this?

Candace, I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad and how difficult this all is for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers with your anticipatory grief and with your own health. Please get some help for self so are physically able to handle what is such an emotional time.""

Lost35 is the book tour for a book about your husband's death? if so I can see why that would thrust you right back to day 1. It's heartbreaking that your son doesn't have his Dad by his side and that he is of an age now to understand that this makes him different. I think seeing what our children are missing and that we have no way to fix if for them, is the hardest part. I wish their was a pause button, so you could step away from your loss and take a vacation to refresh yourself from the day to day exhaustion.

I don't have any advice, never having been in your situation. I have admired the way you have made choices in your daughters best interest some really tough choices. I think this adjustment will continue to be difficult at times but once you figure out what you want and how to manage the alone time for the girl, you will approach your sister with gratitude and conviction that you are ready to take over the reigns again. 2 strong women, working towards a common good is awesome but unfortunately we all come with egos and insecurities too. Wishing you nothing but the best.

It may just be a law in Connecticut but I know recently there was a law passed saying there could be no expiration dates on gift certificates. We have been using the gift certificates my DH was given over the years for coaching different teams, some of them are 8 years old! It's been fun feeling lime he is treating us to a dinner or lunch out.

I feel like this widow life, this pain and grieving is my chapter 2 and I am impatient and wanting to skip ahead to chapter 3, where life gets easier and happiness outweighs sadness. I can go through some days acting like I have it together, dealing with every day decisions and even making some major changes. I get to the point where I'm almost convinced that I am pulling it together when I get slammed back into my reality and the sadness hits or the anxiety attacks again. You're right, it is exhausting. I'm not as far out and have no words of wisdom to offer you. I'm beginning to realize that I need to adjust my expectations for chapter 2. I believe I can have more than fleeting moments of happiness and that my motivation will return some day but there is no way it will ever be the what it was and I need to stop trying to force it to be.

I've always wanted to break a chair over someone's head like in the movies, that comment is the best reason I can think of, count me in!

"It is what it is " was what my DH always said. Days like today I like to add "and what it is sucks!" Sorry you're having a rough day or days.

My 16 year old, very right wing, son just was talking to me about this tonight. His reaction was "everyone has the right to marry, about time! Why would anyone care who marries who? If you find someone to love and you want to marry, good for you, be happy, not everyone is so lucky". For him it's not political, it's common sense. I love that about my kids and most in their generation.

A rainy dreary Saturday night after a stressful week and a graduation party I barely faked polite conversation through. Now it's been 2 hours of crying and temper tantrums for me. If anyone finds a total basket case sexy, I'm your woman!

I'm sorry that what should have been a celebratory day turned I to such a grief trigger, it's amazing how often that is true with good events. I agree that love is love and hopefully here in the US we are a step closer to marriage just being called marriage with a qualifier attached. Big hugs to you as you sit with so many memories.

She sounds like a wonderful woman who wants to support you in any way you need. It is a strange thing to be happy and in love with one person while still loving and missing another, the heart is an amazing thing. I also have the issue of a MIL who wants mass said at certain milestones and kids who do not want to feel on display. I have no answer how to deal with that because I haven't figured it out myself. You honor your wife by living your life, by appreciating happiness and love. Best wishes for you and your family as you mark this milestone and for your new relationship as you move forward.

Of course you care and of course it hurts because you are a caring, loving person. This is someone you fell in love with and thought you had a future with. Just because he didn't turn out to be who you thought he was doesn't mean you can just turn your feelings off like a switch. Keep reminding yourself of all of the reasons you left. Consider blocking his number and tell him to only contact you through your attorney. You have made it this far, you can do this, you are so much stronger than you think!

I'm on my third boy in organized sports so you think I would be used to it by now but I am still amazed and appalled by idiot Dads yelling at umpires and causing a scene. Last nights Dad is one that DH had gotten banned from coaching the summer he was sick and they coached together, for this very reason. This season, for some reason, he has been allowed back in the dugout to keep score. This was his third incident with an ump in less than 3 weeks. My oldest son was helping coach last night and had to intervene, literally standing between the GROWN MAN and the ump and apologize to the ump and other team for this mans behavior. All of this done in front of a dugout of 11 year boys. The man is a Pediatric Neuropsycologist and self proclaimed spiritual devout catholic (all over FB). My oldest son is the one who has been having anger outbursts and I am so proud of how he handled the situation but I also worry because he is emotionally fragile right now and I don't want some idiot triggering him to go off at his little brothers game. Rant over.

I am so sorry to hear you are facing medical issues and hope you are getting the care you need. It is so difficult to think about adding any stress or worry to our children who have suffered so much but I think, especially with their ages, that you need to be honest with them. You can frame it with a positive outlook but they deserve the basic facts. They will find out eventually and it will be hard for them to trust you if you haven't been honest. Wishing you nothing but the best.

Woo hoo!!! Congratulations!

Bill thank you for sharing your positive experience, it's encouraging to hear others have made it work. I think my little pity party has very little to do with my boyfriend as much as it is that I miss DH and the life we had together. I'm going through these major changes without him and I want him by my side. Of course, if he was by my side I wouldn't be making many of these changes. We were such a good team and I miss that. BF listens, offers advice and support but in the end the decisions are not ours, they are mine. The stress is not ours, it's mine. The excitement of a new house is not ours, it's mine. If son #1 gets the same diagnosis as DH and son #2, he will be sympathetic and supportive but his heart will not be broken the way mine will be. CW and Hachi you are both right, it's not about new guy not being the "right guy", no one can ever replace what we lost. I love him for who he is, how he makes me feel, for what he adds to my life. There are certain things that DH was for me that no one will ever be again. Accepting that is part of the journey. This week, I'm just resisting accepting it like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum because the party ended. I know I can have a happy and full life again, with or without BF, but today I want my old life back.

I ran into this as well, my DH passed away on Sept 20th and Oct 1st we were uninsured. I had to pay the Cobra fee because I have a son with serious medical issues and his meds alone cost thousands per month if no prescription plan. It is horrible that there is no grace period and being faced which such decisions so early on when we aren't functioning seems impossible. If you have a friend or family member who can help you when you go,online and make phone calls I would suggest it. I found even though I wrote everything down, I just wasn't capable of keeping it all straight those first few months.

Good question. Are we missing the person we lost or the life we lost? There are days I am beyond actively grieving and there are days I am still right in the thick of it. Today is not a good day.

It's nice to have a boyfriend, someone who wants to hear about my day, someone who makes me laugh and feel alive, someone who cares when I am hurting, someone to share a meal with, to dream about the future with, someone who I want to do nice things for and spend time with. But... He's not a husband. He is not the father of my children and can not help me make decisions about them. He does not own the house I am trying to sell so he can not help me make any tough decisions. He is not buying the house I'm buying and can't collaborate on all of the big decisions there either. He doesn't fall asleep next to me at night, whispering about hopes and plans and dreams or calming my fears. He won't understand my fears that son #1 has Crohn's disease like DH and and son #2 because he wasn't with me when the other 2 were diagnosed. Sure, boyfriend could become a husband some day but he doesn't have 25 years of shared history with me, he will never be the father of my children, some things will always be seperate. A long ramble after a stressful few days and a lonely night.

I am so sorry for your brother's health scare. My inlaws are big on the "don't tell so and so" and it makes me crazy, it adds to the stress and puts a burden on you. I hope he gets seen quickly and gets some answers. It's so hard not to let your mind go to the worst case scenario but do your best to think positive until you know more. Tight hugs and prayers.

This is my opinion, and mine only so take it for what it's worth, we are all different. I had my whole life planned out since I was a teenager. College, career, marriage, suburban house, kids, grow old together, retire on a lake where the grand kids would spend precious time with us. The plan went like clockwork until DH died. Now we won't grow old together, I'm selling our dream home, my (future) grandchildren will never know him. For the first time in my life I am no longer counting on plans. I don't want to wait for "someday" to have a life. I started dating early (6 months!), I'm giving up our dream home for something more manageable that can hold new dreams and memories, I'm considering a career change, I only go,to the cemetery when I want to. Don't miss out on snippets of happiness because of a timeline you arbitrarily constructed. If something feels right, try it. If it ends up being a mistake then end it. Most decisions are not permanent and you deserve to LIVE. The decisions you made about your timeline were made when you were in a very different place. Who you are today was shaped in significant ways by Catherine's influence on you and your relationship with her. So even if you are not directly thinking about her in a given moment, her influence is there and will shape your future relationships. There is nothing disloyal about wanting to share that part of yourself and in my situation to have a chance to be a better partner and to appreciate a partner more than I did at times with DH. Whatever you decide and whatever her response, I wish you peace as you take these next big steps in your grief journey.