Trying

Oh Ursula, I am so sorry you had to experience that with those poor young men. We definitely do not need reminders about how badly things can go wrong.

I think a crash after a big build up is pretty normal, or normal for me at least. All of that determination to not let it get the better of me, the manic go go go, the irrational anger and the inevitable crash. My theory is that if I allow myself that crash, it's temporary and the necessities of life take over and get me moving again. One year is a big milestone, don't downplay what it means to you. Truth is, It really just plain sucks. Wishing you peace going forward.

I love your mantra and I am inspired by your courage in making such a big career change. Wishing you the best, you've got this!

Candace I am sorry so about your father and the toll it is taking on you. I'm not sure I understand the reasoning behind not holding your Dads hand or speaking to him. I did this with both my father and my DH when they were on home hospice and felt as if it was a gift to send them off feeling loved. Maybe the social worker or clergy person from hospice can help you and your siblings with this. I'm also sorry for the insensitive way they have handled their concerns about your weight. From what you have shared in the past, I suspect they have legitimate reason to be concerned about your health and are most likely worried about losing you too. I hope you are able to get some support for yourself during this incredibly difficult time. Sending you hugs and prayers.

I am so sorry for your heartache.

Uhgg, legitimate concerns I would say given his alcohol abuse. For your own peace of mind I think you should talk to him about the things you want. I would leave out the fact that GF could take advantage of him in a drunken stupor, probably wouldn't go over well. I'm just so sorry that his drinking must make it feel like like you have suffered yet another loss. Hang in

I don't know, I would've said that I would never date someone with little kids or who wasn't my equal financially. Then I fell in love with someone with 2 little kids who isn't my equal financially. Never say never. I think you are fiercely independent, your personality combined with survival instincts.

Money issues tend to make people uncomfortable when things aren't equal. I'm in the opposite position with my new guy and in the beginning he was uncomfortable not splitting things 50-50 or being able to treat me. Often we ended up not eating out, not eating together, or he would cook. Finally I said that I like to go out for dinner sometimes, not fancy but I don't want to worry about ordering a drink or the salmon instead of something cheaper so I appreciate him letting me treat when I want to go out. He in turn takes the time to plan, shop and cook for me when he doesn't have his kids or fix things at my house that I would've hired someone to do. That being said, it took a while for me to convince him that I don't want him to feel like he has to "pay back". We still have some issues because of money and if we get to the point of combining lives I'm sure there will be more issues to work out. I'm downsizing to a smaller home because I want to be to afford to do the things I want without relying on a man. The other thing I love that he does is to send me cute romantic texts because he feels bad that he can't afford to send me flowers all of the time and these texts are my flowers. He's such a macho guy and knowing he is thinking about me at random times and taking the time and thought to send me a message or a picture means so much more than flowers. You will find a way that works for you both.

Women who complain about not wanting sex with their husbands make me crazy now. My desire and need for that physical intimacy since losing DH is so incredibly strong. My appreciation of intimacy and the intensity that I feel the connection on so many levels is unlike anything I ever felt before. There is no more distractedly running through tomorrow's"to do" list or wishing he would just finish up already, I am completely in the moment, I hold nothing back, and kissing, I forgot how incredible kissing can be and could do it for hours now. Momtokam keep looking, when you find that man you will be the best thing to ever happen to him.

Maureen, this is such a big journey for you. I hope that you can feel peace knowing you are following his wishes. One more difficult step that I wish you didn't have to face.

Sweet dreams tonight Jess, I think you have processed it well but man, I know a dream like that can really shake you up.

mawidow, I am so sorry the transition isn't easier to life with your new guy. I think that once we've had that one person who knows us inside and out, where the routines are established, the roles are clearly defined and a history is shared we want to fast forward to having that again. It took years to build that relationship but now it takes so much energy. My new guy gets tired of hearing me say "I never used to be like this" or "I used to be so much better about...". Just tonight he told me he doesn't care about who I used to be because he fell in love with who I am now. Now that was extremely sweet and wonderful of him to say but in my head I'm screaming "but I want to be HER again, not this broken version!!" sigh...I hope it all starts to flow more naturally for you.

When the time is right you will get your dream car, now or a year or more from now. You seem very practical about it. I love your other bucket list goals of scuba diving and underwater photography! I hope you can find time for that once you're all settled in. As for the shopping monster, I get it. I've put weight on so clothes shopping is not appealing. Buying a smaller house means I have to donate or sell a lot of things but I have a growing list of things I want to do to make the new place my own and may need to hold myself back. I'm thinking that if I let myself spend half of what I am making on the sale vs the purchase that's a good compromise. I look at it like an investment in my emotional well being and my future. I think the car, when the time is right, would be the same for you.

Donna, 2 grown women under one roof is usually a recipe for disaster, especially when one is a self centered sloppy college age "kid". I think you need to enlist your husband on this. He needs to parent her and not by saying "Donna really wants you to...." Or " it really upsets when you..." he needs to tell her HIS rules for living at home and respecting the home and everyone in it. Teens and young adults can be such unbelievably frustrating creatures! Virgo, yikes!! Water can make such an incredible mess so quickly. I hope your quick reaction leads to a complete clean up with minimal damage. How incredibly stressful for you.

I really hate that so many of us have had this same experience. I truly do not understand it. I worry that i am overly sensitive right now because i am going through a particularly emotional time but you all help to confirm that this really was crappy. I have said for a while that I need new friends but I really haven't had the time to peruse that and I'm not very good at making friends quickly. I'm so glad I have all of you to turn to.

Thank you all for understanding. My one friend, the third couple, invited us and the other 2 couples over tonight because I think she probably thought it was wrong that I wasn't invited to the fireworks. I however could not tolerate the 2 offending couples and politely declined. I ended up having a great day/evening, after crying all morning. I don't know if I will eventually let them know how hurt I was or just let the relationship slip away.

Happy anniversary! I also appreciate your honesty in sharing the joys and struggles of blending families. I hope you continue to contribute here when you can.

They may come around and they may not. Obviously it's their issue and not yours, you didn't trade your DW in for a younger model, you didn't reject her, she died. It's very hurtful when friends and family can't get past their own issues and allow us our joys or our pain. I'm sorry you are facing this and I hope it doesn't impact your relationship with your new partner.

Big hugs to you with this transition. I'm facing the same thing in a month and while it's necessary and positive in the long run, I'm dreading the emotions that are sure to come. Surreal is exactly what it is.

I didn't get to warn my son before he went on FB this morning so now he is hurt and pissed off too and he's already been so emotionally fragile. I really hate when I can't comfort my kids because there is no way to make any excuse for what were the last 3 families we thought were still our friends. My kids have had enough tough life lessons and frankly I have too.

Especially when it's plastered all over FB, like a slap in the face! I try not to be a downer when we are together and I know my kids have made a few scenes when I've had party at my house but the fireworks? We have gone together for years with this group, they told me they weren't going this year then they post pictures all over FB. I guess I have received the message loud and clear. I really didn't need another reason to cry this week.

I think you have shown yourself to be incredibly resilient in the face of some very difficult times. The piling on of losses and struggles does add up and chip away at our spirit and you are missing the one person who could hold you up until you regained that resolve. Do not be disappointed in yourself, look at your situation with the compassion you would give to any of us, you deserve the same. I wish it was easier, I wish you could fast forward to the day that joy outweighs sorrow, I wish we all could. But I believe that day will come for you, until it does, hold onto the little moments.

People put an offer on my house a week ago, they said it was "the perfect house" for them, we were going back and forth, they insisted on an earlier closing date than I wanted because they wanted to enjoy the pool this summer, I agreed even though I was stressed about getting out so quickly, then NOTHING for days, this morning they withdrew their offer, saying they didn't really like the house. WTF??

I replaced my rings with another ring so I would to have to stare at an empty finger and I think some people may assume it's a wedding ring,though it doesn't look like one, because it's on my left hand. That makes me feel less vulnerable among strangers for some reason. I think more than what we look like or what is on our fingers, it is what we project to others. I can project confident and friendly when I want to be approached by people or I can project myself as closed off and unapproachable if I'm having a bad day and just want to get through the grocery store without talking to anyone. I'm a middle aged average looking woman who could stand to lose a few (or 20) pounds but I found someone who thinks I'm beautiful because when I am with him I radiate happiness. He has even commented that I am much prettier in person than pictures. I don't think any of us were made whole because of our spouses, I think we were able to love and be loved because we were whole. Our stability has been knocked out from under us, we have to search for solid ground, but that "whole" person is still within us.

Thanks everyone. I can't seem to stop crying. My kids have all been through so much. My middle son is not only faced with the same disease his Dad had before cancer but also a much more serious liver disease. He told me last night that I was irresponsible when I decided to make babies with DH knowing he could pass this along. Wow. I was pregnant with oldest when he was diagnosed and they don't really know the genetic link so it never occurred to me to not have more children. Now I feel responsible on top of everything else. I don't want my kids to suffer any more than they already have. I don't want this hanging over them, always wondering if cancer is in their future too, but I can't change that. I finally told my mom and sister tonight. I really don't want to tell my inlaws until we know what we are dealing with. My MIL has never handled medical problems well and now it's understandably worse. I hate worrying and upsetting everyone and to be honest, my role has always been to comfort and reassure everyone else and I just don't have it in me right now. I want someone to comfort and reassure me but there is no one here for me. I need to stop crying.