Trying

(((Widowat33))) When I was approaching the one year of diagnosis and 4 months of his cancer battle I had a lot of flashbacks. The day I had to tell my boys is so vivid and I would replay it over and over. Maybe it's the approach of the anniversary triggering your flashbacks. I hope you can ride it out and that they ease once you pass that difficult mark of time. The change your husbands company has made is wonderful but of course you are left feeling like they should've thought of it without him having to die. I wish you more peaceful days ahead

Virgo,I am so,sad to hear about your Dad and yes, you and the girls have had enough loss. My vent, I hate the realtor I am going through for the house I am buying. She doesn't respond to text, email or phone calls and is holding up the work, causing me stress! I hate that my confidence is destroyed by just a few comments about decisions I've made. I hate that I am in the position to make decisions alone. If DH was alive he would take care of inspections and the lawyer and I would take care of packing, unpacking and decorating. If he was alive I wouldn't be moving, we would stay here forever.

First of all I am so glad to hear you made the move to be with your daughter, I know what a big decision that was for you. How is she doing with you being there? I hope you both are feeling more settled and positive about being together. I can understand the aversion to apartment living, I am claustrophobic and need my space and privacy. I'm wondering though with all of the changes you have been making if buying something is not in your best interest right away. A little time renting while you find and start a new job and get the old house sold might help,you make a more informed decision. There are so many factors you have to consider but the most important thing is being back with your daughter which is great! I wish you the best of luck,with the adjustment, the job search and your living situation.

The stress is really getting to me. I have never made any big adult decisions without DH, since I was 19. He was the go to guy, type A, controlling, knew how to get things done. So with house stuff, finances, legal stuff, we would discuss everything but he would be the one to get stuff to happen. Now it's just me, no one to bounce ideas off of or discuss pros and cons. All me. Alone. I have been feeling really proud of myself for taking this on and getting things done with new house I'm buying and getting our current house ready. Multiple big decisions every week or sometimes every day. Then someone questions me about something I have decided and I feel attacked, I doubt myself, start second guessing and the panic starts to rise up. Tonight it was my New Guy, he got all heated disagreeing with a decision I made and it turned I to a huge argument. Now I'm having a panic attack, can't stop my heart from racing, had to take an Ativan and want to throw up.the other day it was my sister, on one hand she tells me she is proud of me but then she questions why I'm doing this or that and it sends me in a tail spin. I have never been very confident in myself but I thought that I was making big strides. Now I feel like an idiot. The old personality flaws didn't disappear when I became a widow, they magnified. There is no "new me" just a more broken version old me. Sorry for the whine.

These "holidays" put too much pressure on our kids, set everyone up for disappointment, and just plain stink. My Dad is gone, the father of my children is gone, I have a wonderful FIL thankfully. My SIL is having her 7 and 3 year old baptized on Fathers Day so no disappearing for us since I am God Mother to one and my 2 older boys are the Godfathers. That means church in the morning with all of the happy families. Then there is my poor new guy, it's not his weekend with his kids and his ex won't let him have them for even a few hours. So all day I will be thinking of him being sad and alone (his father is gone too). Let's not forget my oldest has a history of blowing up on every special occasion. There's always that to look to forward to.

It makes me very sad that anyone would leave or feel that this has become a negative place for them. I tend to be a little clueless with what upsets people, I have always been one who likes to actively discuss things and maybe put my 2 cents in where it's not wanted sometimes. I don't mind when people give me their varied opinions, even if I'm not always ready to hear it. If I have offended anyone I am truly sorry and would hope we could clear it up with a pm if not out in the open. Sometimes I wonder if I spend too much time here but I am not ready to cut the cord, I need the support.

Congratulations on the job! Change is scary but necessary. I wish you the best of luck. And get help, your health is the number 1 priority!

I think there needs to be a balance with new relationships and sharing details of our grief. I can tell New Guy when it's a difficult day like an anniversary, birthday or other special day that I know will be a trigger. I may not go into a lot of detail about how I'm feeling as much as I warn him that I may be distant or sad or need some space that day. Other times there are unexpected triggers and I may share a little more. I do try to avoid too much talk about how I miss this or that about DH, we have talked about the positives and negatives of my marriage and he knows a lot about DH but I don't think it's fair to talk constantly about him. His name invariably comes up in stories because we were together 25 years so most places I have been and experiences I have had were with DH. I do my best to make him feel like he is my present and my future and he is understanding that I will always miss DH. The only time he admitted to being a little uncomfortable was on my wedding anniversary last month when I posted on FB a wedding picture of me and DH. Not really jealous but not really happy seeing the picture and all of the comments on FB. We are both learning.

Good thing I kept our joint account open because I got a tax refund check made out to DH today.

Goals met: Eye Dr appointment made Pictures posted on virtual tag sale Pantry cleaned out Extras accomplished: Scheduled showing the house to interested family (pre listing with agent) Got driveway resealed Not met: camp physical form to Dr. Weekend goals: Working Saturday Clean house for showing Sunday Pin down realtor on new house for items flagged on inspection

Jen, there is no "right" way to be a widow. We are each as unique as our finger prints and we process things in our own way and in our own time. 14 months is very early on, first of all. Never feel guilty about posting here, that is the purpose of us all being here, because where else can we be so raw and honest? I am glad to hear you have started meds, especially if you have a history with depression. My therapist's take on meds when we were talking about considering them for my son was "the meds would allow him to be able to hear what is being said to him and to focus on what is in front of him". Not a cure, but a tool. I cling to those "little happies" like putting a little hope on the bank for when the dark clouds roll in which they inevitably do. Keep posting, reading, reaching out. None of us has THE answer but we can learn from each other's trials and errors, successes and failures.

I would imagine it feels a little like playing house or living someone else's life. Buckle up for the ride and have fun discovering who you are.

Mizpah I agree with you that we can all be prone to get defensive and there are times when we may be hurting and overstate something negative that we are focused on and need some clarity before we can see the balance. There has been less here (thankfully!) than on ywbb of the flaming and attacking. But some people have a pattern, and it's easy to forget and jump in with advice or Compassion only to be reminded of that pattern. Just because we all share a common experience doesn't mean we have much in common. We need to accept our differences and avoid responding to those who either cause us frustration or who we have been attacked by. I delete responses before posting many times when I realize I have nothing positive to offer but sometimes I don't catch myself in time. I think we really do care about each other and want the best for each other but with our different backgrounds and personalities we are not always in the position to help everyone. Hopefully everyone here finds a beneficial connection to a few and find respect for those we disagree with.

I am so sorry for the devastating loss of your FIL. Saying a prayer for all of your family.

You are not being a baby at all! You are talking about major changes in where you live, who you live with and your career. That is BIGGGGGG stuff and shouldn't be jumped into lightly. But there does come a point when you have to s**t or get off the pot so to speak. It seems that you are there, now it's just the particulars you have to figure out. As far as the LDR, I only know what you have posted here so I am in no way an authority on your relationship. I think the hard thing is that you are not part of each other's daily routine. It's a big leap of faith for both of you when you haven't been a part of the mundane routines and ups and downs of daily living. If it's right than just go for it, time is way too precious to cling to emails and the occasional visit! Don't wait for your life to happen. (Disclaimer, wayyyyy easier said than done!)

Kamcho I think your soul is perfectly intact and you have more than your share of additional crap to deal with on top of widowhood. So many here extra burdens of health concerns, financial hardship, legal issues, PTSD and more. I'm sure at times hearing about typical widow issues can make you feel the way I do about other people's every day trials. And yes, sometimes I just don't have the emotional energy to spare. I will keep trying to keep my thoughts to myself and not shout out "suck it up Nancy, You don't know what real problems are!" Unfortunately I don't have a very good poker face...

It's good to hear I'm not alone and that it should get better. There are some changes in me that I think are good but this one makes me feel like something is broken in me. I have always been very "other focused" and this self absorption is so uncomfortable at times. I also don't watch as much news or read the paper any more and I feel like my world is getting so much smaller.

Good for you! You are not lost or under his control any more, you took that control back. The road ahead may be hard but you are in charge now. If that amazing strength starts to falter we are all here to lift you up.

I don't know what is wrong with my emotions lately. Certain things like movies or TV shows,reading stories here or elsewhere about a fellow wid can bring me to instant tears and I can't stop thinking about it. While other things that happen to people in my real life seem to have little effect on me. Yesterday New Guy was telling me how upset his 5 year old was about his chicken that died, he was heartbroken for his little boy and struggling to find the words to comfort him. I tried to,listen sympathetically and offer support but all I kept thinking about was the day I had to tell my boys their father had cancer. One of my closest friends found out yesterday she has a mass on her ovary, they are hoping it's a cyst but she has to wait a week for surgery. Again, tried to say all of the right things but I felt like I couldn't invest emotionally until I know if there's something to actually worry about. It's like I turn off my emotions and feel nothing. I have never been like that and it makes me feel so cold and heartless. Unless someone is going through something equal or worse than what I've gone through I just can't seem to sympathize. Has anyone felt this way and does it go away? I want to be normal again.

I also have no experience with the long distance relationship thing but I will say that I am at the point where I know I don't want to sit still and wait for life to happen or just go through the motions day in and day out. I want to be passionate about something. I'm hoping that selling my house, downsizing and simplifying with be the catalyst for more significant changes. I don't know what the right step is for you but being ready for change will allow possibilities to present themselves. Our safe and predictable lives, so well thought and planned, don't exist any more and trying to fit our now square pegs into that old round hole just doesn't work. I'm looking for answers and courage and direction too, we can nudge each other forward!

(((Helen))) it's so nice to hear from you, congratulations on the job! Change is terrifying but sometimes we need to be nudged to take that leap (someone here recently said that very wise thing to me). I am preparing to move and downsize so I get the terrified part but can't comment yet on regrets or coping. I feel great about where we are moving but I can't really think about leaving the home we built together 15 years ago and have so many memories in. That causes panic that I am putting aside for now. I wish you luck making the big decision and we can panic together if you want. Change is scary but this is something you can have control over and it can bring you new opportunities.

One thing that made me sad was when she talked about all of the help and support and how people promised to be there for her and her children. Unfortunately many of us have learned that the help disappears and the people you thought you could count on do too. But she doesn't need to know that now.

That's going to be my new mantra "plan A is not available. So let's kick the shit out if plan B"

I am so sorry to hear you are feeling so low right now. There are so many levels of loss to process and they hit us at different times. I have struggled with the loss of my identity and the person I was also. Keep reading, post as much as you are comfortable with and we can all help to support each other, I know it's been a life saver for me.

(((Jen))). I am so sorry to hear about the tragic loss of your friend.