Trying

There is nothing more heartbreaking than seeing our children hurting and we can't fix it. It sounds like you handled it beautifully and I am so happy that you found the necklace. My 18 year old was distraught that he lost his fathers sweatshirt, to the point of hysterical tears on Mothers Day. It turns out he left it when visiting a friend at college and it showed up,in the mail. Many more tears when the package arrived. No, your son should not even have to have a necklace with his Dad's ashes. He should have his Dad. But what he does have is a wonderful mom, who despite her own grief, puts him first.

I completely agree with Maureen. The difficulty comes in getting your emotional self to believe what your intellectual self knows is true. I blame myself for many things that have not gone well since DH died, I'm working very hard at being kinder to myself but some days it's so hard. I try to think what I would say to a dear friend in my shoes and it is always much more supportive and understanding than what I say to myself. You are good enough, you did the best with what you knew at the time as did Jim. Start talking to yourself as you would talk to a dear friend.

Sending you heartfelt prayers! I'm glad they took it seriously, early interventionis the key to a full recovery.

I too am cleaning up and it feels good to purge but it's hard too. I will be moving so that will make it easier to make my bedroom just mine. I love the idea of subtle tributes like the music box. I will have to find some little ways like that to work into my new home. I think that cleaning up our space is a big step to cleaning up our lives in more than just a symbolic way. Every trip to the dump or Good Will feels like I am releasing the anchor that weighs me down. Good luck as you keep at it!

I'm so glad to hear it went well! Big hugs to you and your daughter as you get through her actual birthday. These milestones can be tough.

Whether it's my age or being a widow or most likely a combination of the two, I am much more practical about financial matters in recoupling than I was in my 20's. Initially, I thought for personal and emotional reasons I would not want to remarry but was open to committed long term relationship and even cohabitation some day. Now I am wavering a bit and would not say NEVER. Financially though I would weigh all of the financial implications for new guy and I and make the practical part of the decision based on what is best for each of. My new guy already knows there would be a prenup or legal agreement for cohabitation to protect my kids inheritance but the retirement issues would have to make sense for both of us because he would be who I plan to retire with. Off topic just a little, I would suggest everyone by age 50 look into long term care insurance. If you can afford it you will be grateful for it if you are lucky enough to live to a ripe old age. If we are working so hard to get the most out of retirement income you should protect it against the possibility of needing skilled care some day.

A lot of really good responses to a Very difficult situation. Is it possible to talk to coach or scout leader about allowing him to take a little step back for a few months without quitting to give him some time? It's still so early and he may need some time to figure out what he really wants. 12 is a hard age, they don't want to stand out or feel different than their peers but avoiding situations is not a long term solution. I hope you and your son can come to some compromise that doesn't leave him isolated and without the benefits of activities but also gives him the breathing room heat need.

I think that either you are not ready or she is not "the one" and it would be wise to take your time to figure that out. Maybe you have some grief work to do, maybe something about this new relationship is not right. Only you can figure out why the strong reaction to thoughts of moving forward. I'm sorry it's not easier and more clear cut for you. We all wish for life to be simpler and unfortunately it rarely is post widowhood. Wishing you leave and clarity.

Mine are 18, 16, 11. I usually go,out either Saturday or Sunday night most weekends and e occasional week night. They are ok with it and luckily all 3 boys are very close. I do allow the older boys to have certain friends over, 1 or 2 that I trust, who are respectful of my youngest and won't do anything stupid. I don't pick my social life over baseball games, swim meets, school concerts or anything important to them. I give them lots of opportunities to have friends sleep.over when I am home and make pancakes for the whole crew in the morning. I can see where an only child or siblings who don't get along well would make going out much more difficult. Mikeeh, does he have a friend who he could stay with once in a while who could then stay at your house sometimes too? It's a tricky age.

They accepted my offer on the house, this is really actually happening. I was working on cleaning out the pool shed when the text came through from my realtor and I sat down and bawled my eyes out! I know it's the best thing for my kids and I and I'm so glad that all 3 of them agree. But damn, it is going to be so hard to leave our home behind. I hope I am ready for the emotional toll this is going to take not to mention all of the work! I've already apologized in advance to my family and friends for how crazy I will be the next 2 months and I will apologize to all of you too, you are all the most supportive people in my life and I don't know if I would have the courage to do this if so many people hadn't shared their stories about making major changes in chapter 2.

Big tight hugs Maureen for such a bittersweet milestone.

I'm so glad you shared your history with her and that it went well! Scary to be so open but you really have to if you want things to move forward. I hope it continues to grow and evolve!

Made an offer on the new house, waiting to hear! DS emptied out the attic on a cool day so now I need to sort 1. Make a pile for the dump and take it 2. Take clothes to Goodwill 3. Look into furniture consignment 4. Donate baby stuff Also 1. Finish cleaning pool house 2. Clean out my closet and bring donations to Goodwill 3. Pay bills!

We are starting to clean up and de clutter in preparation for a possible move. Yesterday was a cool day so I had my son and 2 of his friends empty out the attic and put everything in the garage for me to go through so no one would have to be up there in June or July. Mostly baby stuff, some furniture and some old clothes but there was one box of personal stuff I don't remember packing when we moved here 15 years ago. In that box were love letters and cards from DH. The summer of 1989 I was home from college for the summer and we were separated for the first time in our young relationship. Since it was pre email and texting we would send each other letters during the week even though we saw each other most weekends. I had forgotten all about them. For so much of our marriage I felt a lack of affection and attention from DH and to read the letters from those early days was amazing. So full of "can't live without you" "I want to hold you forever" "someday we will marry and have 3 kids and a big house" and him wishing we had more time alone. Sigh...why did we take each other for granted? Why did we lose that intensity?

My family has vacationed at the same place every summer since I was 3 and with my DH for 25 years. Last summer I was very worried about returning without him as I was 5 years earlier the first time we went without my Dad. The anticipation was definitely the worst part and while there were a few emotional moments it was also good to have those happy memories. Being there forced me to think about the good times that I often avoided in that first year because of the pain. I say give yourself permission to express whatever you are feeling because it comes out one way or another. Share memories with your son, if you have photos from that trip look at them and talk about her favorite rides or experiences. I really hope it all goes well for you.

Fleur, I don't feel the least bit hostile towards you. I came here asking for opinions, I'm sorry if anything I said made you feel I did not respect yours. This will continue to be a work in progress for me I guess. Lonely nights for now seems to be the answer.

God I hope so!

Lol, I'm claustrophobic so that might be a little too much downsizing for me, 3 kids and a dog but I can see the appeal of being able to pick up and move my home wherever and whenever.

Big hugs to you. Sometimes don't you wish you could send something like this to everyone you know?

Thanks everyone! I put an offer in last night on the house and I'm waiting to hear, I expect a little back and forth with the sellers. mawidow, that exactly what I anticipate, packing and leaving this house will be hell but the idea of a new house that I can make my own and manage more easily fills me with feelings of excitement, hope, and freedom. In this house I can no longer have the life we shared or live for the dreams we had. The stress of keeping things to DHs standards is too much pressure for the boys and I. Canadiangirl I didn't plan on moving for another 2 years but this is an opportunity I would regret passing up so ready or not I am taking the leap! I have been worried about my inability to make any decisions about my future but here I am, making a major decision and it's scary but I feel so confident it's the right thing for my family. Maybe this will give me the confidence to make other big decisions about my career too.

Big hugs to you Maureen! You're ability to remain focused on your studies, while difficult, has been a reason to keep moving and looking forward. The good news is that you don't have to decide now where you will end up and I have no doubt you find happiness because that is what is in your spirit. Your life with John taught you that you are capable of making great changes and embracing new adventures and you have continued that in these last 16 months. I can't wait to hear about all of your adventures this summer!

Klim we seem to be of the same mind set. It really is about respect to me. New Guy and I say I love you with ease and depth of feelings but out of respect I don't say it in front of my kids yet, they just aren't ready to hear me say that to another man yet. SB, I'm laughing at you finding opportunities where you can, reminds me a lot of highschool/college days! DH and I were very creative when we were dating.

Fingers and toes crossed that it all works out and soon!

Good luck to you, I'm sure there will be some hard moments but I hope it's a positive move for you.

None of your business, just be supportive to Beau.