Baylee627

Zumba class today...checkity- check!! It feels great to be active again:) Baylee

1. My bestie and I are headed to Disney World in April. Woot!! 2. I ordered a new eye shadow palette from Ulta for Spring. (Ok, kinda lame, but I do love makeup)! 3. Getting back into yoga and loving it! Baylee

I'm finding this to be valid. Honestly, I couldn't have dreamed any subsequent year could be worse than the first. Cut to the lead-up to the year anniversary, the day itself, and now, a couple weeks after, and I'm a hot mess. The epic downward spiral commenced just after the New Year. And is still in full swing. The stark and uncompromising reality that DH is never coming back, and doesn't even inhabit this earth just overwhelms me. And undoes me. Baylee

Cool bedroom with extra comforters (if needed). I cannot be lulled to sleep if my bedroom isn't a cool temp. Speaking of sleep, by nature, are you? An early riser --OR-- A night owl?

Attended yoga class again today! I'm hoping to hit Zumba tomorrow. Baylee

Love both, but if I must choose--baked ham, preferably marinated in pineapple juice! Continuing the food theme: Baked potato --OR-- Mashed potatoes?

Yes. At just over a year out, I still cannot get over how surreal this all is. Like my life's course just careened down some nightmarish tangent, and that if I could only "right" my course, I would return back to normal, back to life with Brooks in it, alive. And well. Recently, I was checking out his grandma's FB page, and she'd posted a profile pic with DH in it. That startles me, unexpectedly happening upon an image of him. Sigh. Baylee

I was basically in "ring training"--weaning myself from wearing them daily. They had become less a symbol of comfort and more of a haunting reminder....not married, not divorced...widowed. And I began to feel like an imposter, with the rings being part of the facade. Not good. I finally stopped wearing my rings altogether in January. I'll slip them on for special occasions, like a family birthday, but other than that, I've stopped. I do, however, still wear his wedding band and a diamond cross he gifted me with on our very first Christmas on a necklace. I'll always keep my rings; they are irreplaceable tokens of affection from DH. Baylee

Questions, Admin is aware, and will be working on this. There's already a working hypothesis into what's going on. I'll update you as soon as I get word. Baylee

Questions, I'm not sure exactly what's going on, but I'll send a PM to admin and see if one knows what this error message pertains to. Baylee

Scented candles. I customarily have a yummy scented candle burning in my house on the daily. Candy bar: Snickers --or-- Kit-kat?

She's seriously one of my favorite actresses. Effervescent and sardonic--such a curious, and entertaining combination! Baylee

On my Shit List: 1. ADT rep...may need to eat my fist for breakfast 2. Storage Unit Jackass...swift kick to his bird eggs delivered by my square toed boots. 3. Anyone else?? I couldn't believe their temerity to say such things to you. Grrrr.... Baylee

I confess: I'd like to get "lost a high heel and an earring, just what the hell day is it, mad cuz I can't find my drink, rip-roaring" drunk! Seriously, just the notion of not thinking too deeply, or having memory of it, entices me. And I'm a cheap drunk...two or maybe three glasses of Reisling on an empty stomach and I'd be good and loopy! The sole reason I can't get plastered? I'm on contraindicated meds. #winning Baylee

^^^OMG! Ugh, I'd have been like, ya know, I thnk I'll do 200 jumping jacks just to ensure its all rather ripe down there... Lol, only kidding! I'd have been repulsed at that line of conversation. Baylee

Toughie! Getting into a good book! Cheesecake...(random, but I am craving NY style right this minute)...Do you prefer: Fresh strawberries atop --Or-- Cherry pie filling topping?

I'm unsure if I qualify for this thread due to a bit of diagnosis ambiguity...but glioblastoma is the only diagnosis that the neurosurgeons could reasonably make. DH was discovered to have an enormous brain tumor which pervaded his temporoparietal lobes. A biopsy and a lobectomy later, and they still couldn't reach the crux of the tumor. The area of highest uptake on his scans had always been the center of his brain. The pathologists couldn't be definitive with the surgical specimens. They felt it was a glioblastoma due to the gliosis, cerebral edema, structural distortion, and midline shift along with the neurophysiological symptoms he experienced. They estimated his survival to be 1 to 3 years. He made it 1.5 years exactly. Baylee

Attended yoga tonight...twice in one week! Hoping to make it to Zumba tomorrow:) Baylee

Tears sprang into my eyes reading this story. It is such a treasure of a memory for you. Whatever any problems y'all had, there is/was intense love between you two. Thank you so much for sharing this. Baylee

Tulips! My favorite flower of all! On Easter: Lunch out --OR-- At home, big meal with all the trimmings?

About 30 minutes before he suffered an onslaught of seizures and finally, coma, he and I were on the phone and he said, "I love you... (pregnant pause)...bye." It was odd, the pause. So odd I had debated phoning him straight back to inquire if everything was alright. But I was already running late for an appointment, so I didn't. It's the pause that I'll always wonder about, but when I often reflect on it, it gave that last declaration of love more poignancy. Baylee

Your expectation was not outlandish or unattainable. If what you were hoping for was a text or call to check on you after a rough grief session, then that's just hoping for basic mindfulness. You have been dating for seven months or so, after all. DH was exemplary in most ways, but he wasn't the most sensitive man. I didn't try to change that aspect of him because that's just who he was; he wasn't out to hurt me. But, what I did do is tell him from the start that I'm the type who appreciates a call (plus texts, when he was able) every day. Sure, I'd have loved him to have intuited that on his own, but, I figured, why wait to see if he would have or not? He simply said, "Oh, ok," and to his merit, he called me nightly. I don't think you should be demanding, but just being straightforward about what you like, I believe, benefits you both. Baylee

Yes, it is heartfelt. And this board requires various admin and mods to offset how many forums and threads we have going on at any one time. This is a board for widows, and inherent in that is painful circumstances, and so we have posters who need to express and vent raw emotions and feel safe to do so. The ywbb was great, but the threads could really derail in a flash and run amuck and I personally know a few wids who got their feelings very hurt by some things that were permitted to occur. I remember being a new wid who was very intimidated when I saw the heated exchanges and insults that were hurled. We do not want that to happen here. Baylee

I understand. I still hope you will reconsider. The admin and mods here do want to try and "protect" our wids as best we are able, and to try to ensure a safe environment. Baylee

Kamcho, I encourage you to please continue to contribute. You are valued probably more than you are aware of. The option to delete was removed because if an entire thread disappears, along with it go the thoughts of anyone who posted on it. We all know how it felt to lose our posts from the ywbb. We don't want that here. Also, mods and admin are watching closely, so if we see a thread derail, we will put the posters on notice and/or warn them, and lock the thread if necessary. Don't forget if you see activities that make you uncomfortable, you have the option of reporting this to a mod. Nothing will stay out of hand for long, and it will be addressed and/or mitigated. I hope you'll reconsider. I, for one, enjoy your posts. Baylee