Baylee627

Terribly sorry for the loss of your FIL. Hugs to you, missy. Baylee

I'm sure Brooks would be grinning like a Cheshire cat if he knew he was rocking my world after - life style, but this is just flat disturbin's! I mean, what if that vial-o-ashes was to bust open mid, er, "romp", its cremain-tastic contents spilling out? On the other hand, I'd love to watch a gal try and explain why her hoo-ha currently resembles a chimney to the ER nurse. Baylee

Is watching Bridesmaids in my p.j.'s and wolfing down a heaping bowl of cereal (Golden Grahams) sexy? If so, I'm white-hot tonight! Baylee

Exquisitely sorry for the untimely loss of your beloved friend. I have a friend who is battling metastatic breast cancer for three years. Nervous I will l lose her soon. Sometimes it feels like there's such unimaginable tragedy around every corner. Hard to accept. And endure. Hugs and hand pats. I feel awful for you. Baylee Edit reason: damn autocorrect!

Sounds like he's trying to guage your interest. Like in a card game where neither player wants to be the first to show their hand....nobody wanting to appear too keen or too eager. (he may be a really nice guy who doesn't want to seem too forward). So, why not dispense with that, cut to the chase, and float the invite of a date-ish get-together with him (such as coffee a deux or drinks). Be sure and update us! Baylee

I think I'm gonna invest in some crayons and coloring books. I like the idea of this...brings ya back to a time in life when things were simpler. Now, I just need someone to serve me cookies and juice! Lol. Only not really kidding, especially since I discovered birthday cake frosting Chips Ahoy... Baylee

I did, heavily. It began the morning after he died. I recall feeling enormous guilt that I could SEE the sunlight streaming through the kitchen French doors. Food didn't sound palatable because it wasn't FAIR that I should obtain sustenance while his body was lying on a cold, flat mortician's procedure table. And how dare I watch TV or listen to music, when he could not ENJOY the program or HEAR the lyrics? That was rather early days. Now, I feel mostly guilt for anticipating trips, or spending money on something lavish, or attending our nephews' birthdays without him. As to why we feel guilt, I guess it's because their young life being cut short goes against the natural order of things. They are *sopposed* to be alongside us when we go on fun excursions or see a funny movie or buy something extravagant, because we know they deserved to be doing these things also, and never will. And it feels like they were ripped off. Baylee **edited for clarity

It was our last Christmas season in our rental home before moving into our first purchased-together home. Actually, it was his last Christmas, period. I took off for a weekend trip with my friends, and when I'd returned, Brooks greeted me and then led me into the living room for the lil surprise he'd cooked up while I was away--he'd bought a Christmas tree,(a real one, eee!!), and had strung the lights on it so it was prepared for me to decorate (my favorite part). This sweet gesture touched me because we'd decided---me, wistfully so-- not to put up a tree that year since we were in the midst of packing to move. Also, DH suffered from nasty, chronic allergies so we always had opted for an artificial tree. Most priceless was the boyish and proud grin he wore when he presented the tree to me. And now, it's a cherished memory of My Love. Baylee

Had to put my 14 year old fur - child down two years ago and it wrenched my heart. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's not easy. Baylee

Suh-weet! Definitely in, so I hope that bus will be headed south. I'll grab my boots and a bottle of Patron and hop aboard. I could do with a couple cocktails and carefree dancing! Baylee

Hamburgers with melty American cheddar cheese, sliced tomatoes and mayo (toss in crinkle cut fries and I'm golden). Favorite cookout dessert: Watermelon --OR-- S'mores?

So concur. It's most impressive (to me) when someone is baseline honest about their strengths or shortcomings, even if it's a bit embarrassing for them....why do people feel the need to erect an image of themselves? Facades do not last, and when they are dropped, it sullies established trust in the relationship because you begin to question whether or not every thing else he/she had to say was also an embellishment. You're a smart, observant cookie; you'll know what to do and when to do it. Baylee

I sure as hell did. At the ten month mark, and now all the way at the 13 month mark, my depression ramped again to the point where my antidepressant dosage just got increased. Everyone around me is like: sugar, are you EVA gonna come out of this? No, "Sugar" is despondent, and cannot see her way out of this, mm-kay? Interestingly enough there was around four months there where I actually felt I could almost taste normality. The calm before the storm, unfortunately. Baylee

Attended yoga class today, hopefully Zumba tomorrow. Need to get this fitness show on the road once again. Sorta fell off the proverbial wagon! Baylee

My Lil Sad Widda Playlist: "Wake Up Alone "--Amy Winehouse "Yesteryear"---Rosi Golan "Think of Me"---Rosi Golan "Just Breathe"---Pearl Jam "Everything I Own"---Bread "Been a Long Day"--Rosi Golan "Make You Feel My Love"--Adele "My Immortal"---Evanescence "Kingdom Come"---Coldplay "Oh My Love"---John Lennon "Sparks"--Coldplay "Talking to the Moon"--Bruno Mars "If I Die Young"--The Band Perry Good sobfest soundtrack---in fact, I swear by :'(

That moment. The one in which I realized, I'm a widow. Widow. One would think that realization would have sunk in after I lay down with his still, but warm, lifeless body after the ravages of CPR. Or at his private viewing, the sight of his name on the placard outside his viewing room sending me reeling. Or peering down at his "Interview With the Vampire" corpse nestled in his casket, his hair slicked back, not gleaming and slightly mussed, as in life. Not even his funeral, which I was heavily medicated for, and scarcely recall much of, did the fact of being widowed register. But as we were dismissing from the chapel, and a wobbly-legged me was being ushered out to the limo in the funeral procession, I stepped into the chapel foyer. The double doors were opened, and there stood lining either side was his pallbearers. The cloud of sedation lifted for that moment. They looked at me somberly, gravely, respectfully, and two of them opened the outermost doors of the church, streaming light into my face. There it was. Like that moment in a wedding where the bride prepares to glide down the aisle, fully knowing her life is changing with each step towards her groom. Except this was the macabre, horrifying counterpoint. Stricken, I realized once I stepped outside those doors, and into the light, I would do so as a widow. Baylee

Let's see, distraught and reprising a fab, one-woman "ugly cry" rendition which is freaking out my dogs (fur children). #seriouslysexy Baylee

Lewis, you handled the situation the with expertise and aplomb. You did great, no worries! I'm grateful to have such "tekkies" running this site! Baylee

Yes, ma'am, I'm right there with you. Truthfully, my downward spiral began afresh circa New Year's Eve. But spring has been plain torturous. The sadiversary was March 13, so that didn't help to exactly kick-start this season. Everything's in bloom, yet I remain in doom. I'm so sorry, MS. Spring should feel like a hopeful season with its weather tempering, floral beauty, and pastel hues everywhere. Yet, it kinda underscores my personal pain, not unlike what you describe. Oh, anndd, I've ravaged two cases of Russell Stover's cream eggs. That's right. Cases. Baylee

Eeee!! Doing a lil happy dance for you! And grinning. Well, I suspect you'll know in short order whether or not you are ready. A date is the best and fastest way to find that out, so why not take the plunge? If it turns out you're not ready, you can always thank him for a sweet evening, and opt not to continue dating thereafter giving it a go. But this is so flattering to be noticed, and hey, we wids could certainly do with an ego boost every now and then;) If you grant him a date, we want the deets, so report back, missy! Baylee

Ain't this the gospel truth? I get so wearied of having it inumerated to me the various ways in which life could be *so much worse* when I'm weathering a bad day, or as I have termed them: yucky lil wid days. As if I'm going to somehow experience an illumination, and deem this wid gig merely a blip on my radar because it doesn't rate as highly on someone else's tragedy barometer... Riigghht. Baylee

Save for the family heirlooms that I returned to his family, and his prized crossbows that I gave to his best friend, I haven't parted with anything yet. Still a bit of a wedding memorium/Brooks shrine around this wid pad. Baylee

Thinking of you, lil missy. I'm so very sorry. The *special* dates just plain hurt. No getting around that. Hugs, sweet girl. Baylee

Church attendance record (2014/2015): Spotty. 2014/2015 Bible readin's: Um...gonna go with, "marginal". Use of profanity: Heightened. Signs of imminent recovery: Ain't lookin' good. (Cringes). All lighthearted joking and confessions aside, I am devout, yet imperfectly practitioning Christian. I was raised Baptist and Methodist (mixed denomination fam), but attended COC in college. I have decided that the center of my faith--for me, that's Jesus-- is key, and so the title on the door of the church doesn't matter much to me. In the past studying the Bible and attending church was very important to me, but... Widowhood has definitely violently spun me around, left me vertiginous, and so what I say or do may not always reflect or align with my beliefs. But I think God sees my heart first and foremost. (Not that He applauded my well-timed finger flip to the bubba slurping chaw in a Dodge Ram while riding my bumper, but I also don't think He's as straight laced and stringent as what was inculcated into me during childhood). This thread is interesting; required me to soul-search a bit! Baylee

His name is Brooks. Fiercely loyal to the ones he loved, a hard worker, quietly talented and intelligent--not one to boast or have a wish to be put on display. He had a deeply ingrained sense of fairness, of right and wrong. Inherent teaching aptitude--loved nothing more than teaching his nephews the mechanics of how something worked, patient as they learned. He wasn't overtly religious, but his faith was most assuredly his anchor. Idiosyncratically, the man had temper, and flares would often result in a litany of expletives! On the less serious side, he was verbose, and had a propensity to chat up folks he'd only just met; just really interested in the world around him and the people that inhabit it. He loved to laugh, and was quick to smile no matter what he endured. He wasn't one to fret and worry. A clever mimic, he would crack me up with his impressions and sound effects that he'd punctuate his stories with. I called him Brooks Bear, and he dubbed me " Sugar Machine". He was a family man. A good man. He was a well-suited husband to me, my matching bookend. After my divorce, Brooks had came along, and he restored my trust, and was a balm on my raw and tattered heart. He righted all the wrongs of my life, and I felt redeemed, in a sense. How can you ever thank someone for a thing like that? I'm not sure I ever did do justice to the gratitude I felt for this wondrous creature that came passing through my life, renovating all aspects of it in his short while with me. But, I unabashedly and breathlessly loved him. I'll love him until my heart fades from beating. Baylee