Jen

I should *want* to have a long life, I guess... I have three kids, they should be enough to live for. I know they'd miss me. But I just... I'm just doing time now. I'm hoping for early parole. Good behaviour... you know.

Just want to add... well, I guess I really want to whine, but I don't want to start a new thread... forgive me for hijacking? I'm 41 years old. I'm healthy and come from a long-lived family, so I could have 4 or 5 decades of this to look forward to. That is... horrifying. What in hell do I do? Anybody... ?

I want waffles. Let's all go. Pecan, please, and some scrambled eggs and hashbrowns with cheese as well.

I wish I had an answer... all I've got is hugs, and a resounding "ME TOO!!!" I don't smoke... I've seriously considered starting. What possible reason do I have to want to increase my lifespan, after all? Thought about drinking and drugging as well, but the expense and hassle didn't seem worth it. Sigh. "I am demolished inside... " That's a terrible and perfect way to put it. There's just so little left of me. I can't find anything to want anymore... Christmas was kind of a joke. My mom kept asking what I wanted-- I didn't want anything except a small suitcase and a Starbucks gift card. Well, I got the suitcase... Meanwhile, my pregnant newlywed sister and her husband got more stuff than they could carry home in one trip. It's fine-- I don't want stuff. I genuinely didn't care, and still don't. It's just sad to me... my life is so empty now. I was writing in my journal this morning-- I honestly can't find anything to want. I've achieved everything I intended to: got married, had babies, established a career, traveled the world. Had great love-- lost it, but I did have it. There's nothing else I want-- at least, nothing that I can reasonably expect to have. (Powerball? Fairytale romance, take 2? Ha ha ha.) Demolished. That's me. I'm getting by-- I make it through each day, and my only motivation-- I'm not even kidding here-- is that I know at the end I can crawl into my bed and check out for a few hours. That's all I'm living for. That absolutely breaks my heart, but I've wracked my brain, and I cannot think of anything else to want. I just want it all to be over so I don't have to hurt anymore... don't have to feel the lack, the emptiness. The void. Hugs and more hugs. I'm so sorry.

(((((((((HUGS))))))))))

I'm not gonna lie, I'm jealous as hell. Happy for y'all, certainly, but green with envy. Nothing in my bed but stuffed animals, and not likely to be anything else in the foreseeable future.

I'm alone. That fact gets drilled into my head every night when I climb into bed and every morning when I open my eyes and pretty much every minute in between. I honestly don't think that will ever change. Am I okay with it? ... good question. Sometimes I am. I've always been a loner. I'm an introvert, happiest with my own company. I have to confess that there were times when LH was too clingy, wanted too much of my attention. Just before he died, we had a bit of a blow-up because he hadn't wanted to leave the house in a week and I was getting cabin fever-- the next day I drove 5 hours to Dallas by myself, with his blessing. It was his birthday. He died three days later. I will never, ever forgive myself for that. But the reality is that I do just fine on my own... most of the time. I spend my days off alone, and often I find excuses to leave my family for an hour or two on days when we're all off together. I prefer to be in my room or my car by myself. Throughout my adult life I've been self-sufficient-- I've always been the breadwinner and bill-payer and house manager. I guess that's a good thing... some wids have to learn all that cold. I do fine with the nuts and bolts of singledom, although I hate, hate, HATE being a single parent. I did not sign up for that! So, as I say... I'm usually okay. Except when I'm not. Except when I wake up in the dark, cold and alone and terrified. Or when my co-workers are laughing about their various spouses' latest hijinks and I have to slip into the bathroom and cry for a few minutes. Or some random moment in the day when all I need is one person with whom I do not share mitochondrial DNA to tell me, "It's okay, I'm here, I love you." As much as it hurts me to say this, or even to think it, I do not believe there will ever be such a person for me again. Now my herculanean task is to learn to be okay with it. I don't know if I can... but I'm trying.

Working today and tomorrow, off Christmas Day, then back to work Sat. I'd frankly rather work the holiday and be off on Boxing Day-- I offered, but the manager wanted to stick to the rotation (we do every other year). Honestly... I just want it all to be over. :-\

If y'all are anything like me, this week (month/season/life) is hard... I've been so wrapped in my own misery lately that I just haven't been able to participate here, and I'm sorry for that. I just want to say that I'm grateful to know you all, and I'm so sorry any of us have to be here. Hugs and peace to you...

Exactly. I don't even have the excuse of living in the same house where my Jim died; we moved across town almost a year ago, and I never even drive by the old place. But this town weighs on me... the air seems heavy. I wish I could go somewhere else, somewhere far away, but it wouldn't matter-- anywhere I go, there I am. I want to get away from myself, and that just isn't possible. I can't even find distraction lately. Nothing works. The best I can do is crocheting while watching brainless fluff on TV-- The Big Bang Theory or something on the Travel Channel. I walk and I cry. That's about all I've got.

ME TOO. ((((hugs))))

(((Hugs)))) I wish I had something better. People mean well, but unless they have travelled this particular road through hell, they have no way of knowing how terrible it truly is. In the last 20+ months I've seriously considered taking up heavy drinking, smoking, and drugging-- the main thing that has stopped me isn't any moral objection, but practical considerations: I can't afford it, and I wouldn't know where to get anything anyway. :-\ No, life is not supposed to hurt this bad. I desperately wish I could say it will be good again-- or even that it will get better. Wids who are significantly further out have told me it does, but so far, every time I think I've seen a light at the end of the tunnel, it has turned out to be another freight train barrelling down on me. I'm so sorry. I don't have it in me right now to be positive and upbeat. I'm still holding on as best I can, and it's frankly not that well. But I'm here, and I'm listening, and I can tell you you're not alone in this awful, awful place. Hugs and peace to you, Jen

((((((((((((HUGS HUGS HUGS)))))))))))) I wish I could make it better. Thinking of you, sweetie...

I get out. I practically live at Starbucks. I walk a lot. I talk to anyone who will talk back when I go to the store, Target, etc. It doesn't matter; I'm done. I'm just done. Sorry to rant, I appreciate your thoughts, but it's time for me to accept the fact that this is my lot in life-- it's not a lot, but it's my life. I have a home and a family, I have people who care about me, I am loved. Anything beyond that is a pipe dream.

Hence my sig line. :-\

DGI= Don't Get It You're right, I think they mean to help, but they're largely clueless.

FUCK THIS USELESS FUCKING LIFE.

I don't know how to address the legal issues, but it seems to me that you could call the police and have him removed, if you wanted. I know that sounds extreme, and I hate to think that it could come to that, but it sounds as though he's in control and your daughter isn't willing to confront him. My off-the-cuff impression is that this is an abusive situation, and it needs to change NOW. I wish I knew how to make that happen... :-\

Central Arkansas. There's no one around here-- at least, nobody who wants to do the bago thing-- so I've travelled to PA, NY, and even Amsterdam. It's always worth it. <3

Lately I've been listening to Shrek: The Musical a lot. This is the opening number. "It's a Big Bright Beautiful World, with happiness everywhere... it's peaches and cream and every dream comes true... BUT NOT FOR YOU." Sigh. Just how I've been feeling lately.

I talked to my doctor on Friday, she adjusted my dose a bit. I'm not that fussed about it-- I think the meds are doing the best they can. They can't fix the situation, you know? And they do help. I recognize the depression when it creeps in, I can call it a liar to its face... it's been my companion so long, I can't really imagine life without it. IIWII. Lol. The eating thing is funny. It's not stress eating-- it's anger eating. Punishment eating-- but I'm not sure who I'm trying to punish. (Ultimately myself, I get that. I do.) Mostly it's FUCK YOU WORLD eating. There is no sweetness in my life anymore, therefore I will eat a Hershey's kiss or three. I don't even like candy-- I've always been the sort who looked forward to Halloween for the costumes and would still have candy left when Christmas (or Easter!) rolled around. I hate peanut butter, but lately all I want is Reese's cups. WTF??!?! I don't know what's wrong with me, except that I do. I just don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to be okay. I'm afraid to hope for better than okay. I'm just so tired... :-\

Yeah... I really don't know if I could casual sex. (Never had the opportunity!) On the bright side, we're not really friends... there's just some mutual commiseration, I guess. Meh. I'm not pursuing anything-- I said my bit, I'm done. If he wants to take another step, the ball is in his court. Sigh. Why can't the village elders just get together and arrange these things? Bleah.

Lol. The one time we met face to face was when he picked my son up to go spend the night at their house. I leaned in the car window and said "Hi, nice to finally meet you." He laughed and said "You too," or something like it. End of meeting. Conversations are all via text. He messages me when he's bored or wants to complain about work. I do the same. He's been divorced and subsequently celibate for about 3 years; I'm going on 2, so there's a lot of "God I'm frustrated" talk. I've gotten a few pix... To be honest, he's got some nice assets that I wouldn't mind getting my hands on. But when I've mentioned hanging out IRL, he's noncommital and disinterested. I think maybe he just relieves his sexual frustration by talking about it-- he has no real intention of doing anything. That's mostly all right with me. I'm not particularly interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with this guy. I've never had an FWB situation; I don't know if I could keep my heart out of it or not. I'm leery of forming an attachment to anyone, but I *really* *really* *REALLY* miss sex. Forgive me for being raw (it is THIS thread after all), but the DIY approach just doesn't work for me. I can induce an orgasm, sure, but there's nothing satisfying about it... even physically. Like everything else in my life these days, it seems... pointless. :-\ I kind of wish brothels were a thing. Go pay for a 2-hour fling with a clean professional... it would be like getting a massage. No need to risk my poor battered heart again. It's already committed to someone who's completely inaccessible-- permanently tied up, I guess. As I say, I just need to get laid.

(((((HUGS))))) I was okay yesterday... or thought I was, more or less. It wasn't a bad day-- long and busy, but all right. It went fast, so I didn't have much time to brood. On my way home, I was calm, not upset, not particularly stressed-- just tired and bleah-- and I found myself calmly and (apparently) rationally thinking, I should kill myself. I won't. Let me say that right off. But it was so strange-- it just seemed so reasonable. I was fairly numb, not really feeling anything but the same gaping emptiness I've felt for 20 long months. I'm tired of feeling-- or not feeling, as the case may be. I don't want to keep going. I don't want to do this anymore-- I know I have to (please don't call the white coats, I'm not going to harm myself or anyone else) and I will, but... just for a few minutes it sounded like such a relief. Just to be done. No more fear. No more missing him. No more loneliness and uncertainty and hurt. Just... peace and quiet. Honestly, by every objective reckoning, I'm FINE. Home, family, friends, job-- all ticking along. I'm not as financially secure as I'd like, but I'm stable... I'm getting by. It's just this grief... it colors everything. The black hole inside me sucks all potential for peace and happiness away. I don't know what else to do... so I'm not really doing anything. I'm existing. Right now I struggle to get through every day just sdo I can get into my bed at night-- the one place I feel something approaching respite, but it's still empty. Cold comfort. It is what it is. I'll stop whining. Thank you for hearing me...

Torn, please take my 2 cents for what it's worth... I can't help but think that something needs to give in your situation. It's kind of you to offer your daughter and her family house space, but it seems to me that they're taking advantage of you. You have every right to be angry-- and you have every right to amend or end this living arrangement. I feel sorry for your grandchild-- and for you as well, since you're missing out on what should be a special relationship-- but I completely understand your not wanting to get emotionally attached. It's a toxic situation all around. I wish I had better advice, but I think communication is key. Have you talked to your daughter about all of this? Hugs to you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. The Thanksgiving birthday sounds horrible all by itself without adding being alienated in your own home.