lcoxwell

Yesterday, I took my son to the dentist. His wisdom teeth are coming in and causing problems, including some serious pain, and need to be surgically removed. I managed to get the surgery scheduled, to prepare food he requested (thinking it would be easy to chew), to pick up pain meds for him, and to provide the oral surgeon with my insurance info, so they can give me an estimate in the cost. I also contacted the ex, who offered to help pay for the surgery. Yay! Today, I finished clearing out Kenneth's things from underneath the bathroom sinks and got rid of everything in both bathrooms that is not essential. When I get ready to move this Summer, it should take less than five minutes to pack up both bathrooms. Next project: the hallway storage cabinets, which are packed to the gills with Kenneth's belongings. So far this week at work, I rearranged my classroom for state testing, scheduled several parent meetings, and completed some very important paperwork that needed to be taken care of. For the first time in a long time, I feel as though I have been semi-productive.

I have a student, known for his less than stellar behavior and even worse grades. Let's just say he spends a lot of time in lunch/after school detention for his behavior and lack of motivation in other classes, besides mine. For a change, he has had a REALLY good week this week, at least in my class. Knowing that she often gets the calls to notify her of his poor choices, I decided to call with a praise report. I told her I could see that he is trying to improve his behavior, that he had completed all of his missing assignments, and that his grades for the fourth quarter progress report would be better than his previous grades. She was so thankful to hear good news for a change, that she started thanking me profusely, and I could hear that she was crying. I am so glad I made that call. It brightened my whole day! ;D

Every single person on the planet has bad days. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either a complete fool, or lying. You are absolutely allowed to have bad days. We get that, even if no one else in your life does. Sometimes, life just plain sucks. Sometimes, there are no answers, or at least none that are easy. Sometimes, no amount of "everything will turn out roses and sunshine" pep talks can erase the fact that you are struggling with very real problems. So go ahead and give yourself permission to have a bad day, though I am sorry you are struggling and that you need to have one.

I still have nearly everything he owned, and have had a difficult time throwing out anything that was his. Here are just a few things I haven't been able to part with: 1) The suit he wore, the day we were married, including the cowboy hat that was SUPPOSED to be buried with him. I'm sure he would understand why I had to hold onto it. 2) Portraits painted by his very talented uncle, including the John Wayne portrait that hangs over the mantle, the portrait of Kenneth as a young child, and the portrait of his vision of the "perfect woman". She is gorgeous, by the way, even if she was never a real person. 3) His favorite coat, with the last pack of cigarettes he ever smoked out of still sitting in the pocket, along with one of his favorite lighters. 4) One of the ugliest pairs of jeans, you are likely to ever see. I abhorred those jeans and spent YEARS trying to get rid of those things. They were his favorite, though, and he refused to part with them. Now, the mere thought of throwing them out, brings tears to my eyes. 5) The walking stick, which he bought on a lark, because it is made from a bull penis. People always used to comment on how unusual it was, and on how nice it looked. He loved to hand it over, then watch their faces, when he told them what it was made out of. What can I say? His sense of humor was a bit twisted.

Your picture is absolutely wonderful. I am so sorry that you are hurting so much, and hope that you can find peace, soon.

I am so sorry that you are facing a difficult time, right now. I hope that things improve soon. In the meantime, just remember to take deep breaths and to deal with one thing at a time, if you have to.

Congratulations on being offered the job you wanted and on getting the other job, which offers you the opportunity to be with your children. I hope the job is everything you would like for it to be.

In all honesty, I grew up in a strong, Christian family and spent my whole life in church, pretty much every time the church doors opened. While my personal relationship with God was not contingent upon being there, there was just something special about being in church, amongst Christian friends and family, taking time to serve God and to worship Him. The last few years of my Kenneth's life, I had to give up going to church, because he couldn't be left alone anymore, and I had no one to sit with him, in order for me to go. My faith in God never wavered, but I began to feel very disconnected from Him. I felt, in many ways, lost and adrift. After Kenneth's death, I did not, at first, return to church. It had been so long, since I had been a regular member, that I lost my motivation for going. Like many others, I knew that God would still be God, no matter where I was. Quite honestly, though, I was still feeling very lost and adrift. Then, I met New Guy, who is a strong Christian man. Shortly after we started dating, he invited me to his church. From the moment I stepped through the doors, I felt a sense of peace and belonging, that had alluded me for years. As you mentioned, I felt like I was coming "home". Returning to church has given me healing, in many ways. I have returned to praying more, reading the Bible more, and enjoying my personal relationship with God more than I have in a very long time. I said all that to say this: My faith, thoughts, religion, spirituality, and position have not changed from the way I was brought up to believe and to worship; however, returning to the practice of my faith, which I had enjoyed from my childhood, has provided strength, healing, and peace, that has allowed me to work through many of my grief issues in a far healthier way than I ever could have without it.

Thank you so much for understanding, mikeeh. Your reply was perfect, and just what I needed to hear. I hate that you are in a position to know what I was feeling, but I am glad to know I am not alone in this.

Beautifully stated, Baylee. I could have said this very same thing about my Kenneth. I think our two men would have liked each other, had they ever met.

You can feel a migraine coming on, you discuss taking medication with New Guy, then ten minutes later your New Guy has to remind you to take the meds, when he notices you rubbing your temples; because even though the pain was there, and you had had a conversation about it, you still forgot to take said medications.

His name was Kenneth, and he was my whole world. He felt things deeper and more profoundly, than any other man I have ever known. When he was angry, everyone knew to steer clear; and when he was happy, he could make the whole world smile with him. His laughter was infectious and drew people to him. He was course, irreverent, and cursed more than just about anyone I have ever met. He could tell a dirty joke or make up inappropriate lyrics to songs at the drop of the hat. At the same time, he could lay on the charm and engage just about anyone in conversation on just about any topic you would care to bring up. When I met him, I was feeling adrift in a harsh world, and he saved me. He believed in me, more than I believed in myself. He encouraged me to pursue my dream of teaching, and he taught me that I could achieve anything, if I just set my mind to it and worked for it. He also taught me what it means to truly love and to be loved. He loved me with his whole heart, until his dying breath, and he loved my children as if they were his own. My life was better, because of him, and for that, I will be forever grateful.

One of my very favorite topics from YWBB was the "Say Their Name" thread. I don't remember who started it, but it was always one of my very favorites, because there was so much love poured out in the comments. On my really bad days, I could go there, read that thread, and find comfort. From those of you who remember, or if the originator of that post just happens to be around, please, please correct me, if I get this wrong, as I would like to honor the purpose of the original post. As best as I can remember, the thread was started, because the people in our lives, for various reasons, avoid saying their names and seem uncomfortable when we do. There is such significance in saying our loved ones' names. So much of who they were, so much of our memories, so much of what we lost is connected to their names. There is a personal connection, that sometimes we just need to feel. So now, once again, I would like to provide a place, where we can go to say their names.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Being in a seriously committed, dating relationship, in which we are having discussions about a future together, I have often wanted to make a post or ask questions of others, who are also in relationships. Often times, though, I did not want to start a new thread, for fear of feeling like the topic I wanted to start might not exactly fit in the social situations section.

If I wasn't so far away from wids with subways, I might just be willing to join in on this. At least then, SOMEONE would get to see my underwear. (Maybe this should have gone on one of the "Confessions" or the "Real Sex" threads, instead of here. Hmmmm.....) ;D

At thirteen months out, today, I can read your words, and it is like you are describing my life, in some ways. I would be lying, if I said things weren't difficult from time to time, or if I said that I didn't miss my Kenneth; but the reality is, life has been relatively good to me, all things considered. My kids are healthy and happy, enjoying their lives, for the most part. Dating has been far easier than I would have expected, and I am enjoying every bit of it. Still, after years of being an extreme caregiver and spending nearly every available minute together, I have trouble with the reality that my Kenneth is really gone.

As of today, my Kenneth has been gone for exactly thirteen months. It has been thirteen months, since I have been able to look at his face, to kiss him, or to touch him. He was in a coma, when he died, so it has been just over thirteen months, since I last heard his voice or looked into his eyes. I am just feeling numb today, and really have no words. I just felt the need to acknowledge that he has been gone for thirteen months and to say I still love and miss him every day.

Looking back, I can remember feeling much this same way, at four months. I remember finally being able to smile, every once in a while, but the smiles seemed so empty. To answer your questions, you may feel all of these mixed emotions, once you reach the point of smiling, without it being through the shadows. You may once again grieve, because there was a moment in time, when you experienced joy, and then realize your love wasn't there to share the moment with you. You may feel guilt, because sometimes, those little steps forward, mean you are moving farther away from your love, and you may feel guilty about that. Then again, you may embrace it, realizing how good it feels and how long it has been since you have experienced a moment of happiness, realizing you deserve to have joy in your life, and realizing you want to take a few steps toward the light, once more. These may all be felt in isolation, or may all be experienced at once. You should know, that all of these emotions are "normal" (I hate that word, but use it for lack of a better one).

It is not just you. I often delete things, too, which may surprise some of you, given how often I post and how much I "say". Being a short, petite woman, my mother always teased me that all my size went to my mouth; or, in this case, my typing fingers. ;D Sometimes, I delete, because I feel I have already made more than my share of posts for the day, or because I don't want to hijack the thread. Sometimes, I can truly relate, but realize in sharing how I am able to relate, I have actually turned the response into something more about me and my experience than to show support to someone else. Sometimes, I just get tired of seeing my name pop up everywhere. Then sometimes, I have shared something deeply personal, and realize that maybe, due to my emotional connection, I didn't quite word things the way I should have.

Two days ago, I spent the day randomly leaving little notes around the house for New Guy to find, telling him just how amazing he is and listing things I appreciate about him. Not sure if this counts, since I ended up greatly benefitting from his happiness.

Reading this just brought back such a flood of memories. I cannot tell you how many times I had to reassure my Kenneth and say those same words to him. Over and over, I had to tell him it was okay, and I that I had him. My heart breaks for you, and for all of us, who have had to wonder who will have us, when our time comes. Right now, I have no words of comfort. I just wanted you to know I hear you, and I understand.

There is research out there, that supports the idea of attraction changing, over time. One study (and I apologize for not remembering where I read this, or I would have included the link), had a group of college students rate how attractive classmates were at the beginning of a semester, then went back months later, at the end of the semester, and had students rank classmates again. Many of the students, who were considered less attractive in the beginning, were ranked much higher, after their classmates had gotten to know them, and vice versa. I think this supports what many have said here. While physical attributes can initially peek your intest, if there is no "personality" (regardless of which personality traits you are looking for), then the attraction wanes, over time. A person has to have more going for him/her than just good looks, in order to continue being attractive in the long run.

This is what it looks like, and feels like, to have someone take care of you, for a change. I know, it is a completely foreign concept, for some of us. My Kenneth was never one to take care of me. I could have a migraine, or a temperature, or be throwing up, and he would still expect me to cook dinner for the family, run errands for him, and get up every five minutes to take care of him. The first time I had a migraine, when New Guy was there, he brought me a pillow, a blanket, and dinner, and spent the entire evening letting me rest and taking care of me. I cannot even begin to describe how good that felt. Finding a man, who loves you and takes care of you, is a wonderful, amazing experience. You should hold onto that guy of yours. Sounds like you found a "keeper".

Sweet Jen, I am so sorry that you have to face days without your Jim. Please know, I am thinking of you, and I am wishing there was something, anything, I could say or do to take away the pain. I am wishing that you find peace in the next few days. Much love and many hugs to you.

I have been reading this thread with deep interest over the last couple of days, and just have not had time to respond. There is so much I can relate to here, and so many of you have echoed my thoughts so clearly. For those who don't know, my Kenneth and I started our relationship from about 2,400 miles away. He was in CA, and I was in NC. From the moment we met, there was a deep and profound connection. Now, I am in another long distance relationship with my New Guy, who is much closer, but still just over two hours away. As we all know, having and maintaining a positive, healthy LDR is not without its challenges, and there has to be a few key factors in the relationship in order to truly make it work. As Chrispy pointed out, there has to be "absolute trust and faith" in one another, a commitment to find ways to communicate often, and a commitment to each other. The two of you also need to have really good communication skills, since so much of the communication is not in person, and it is so easy to have misunderstandings when operating from a distance, through technology. I also agree with Jess, who pointed out that there has to be an endgame in mind. The two of you have to be willing and able to have serious discussions about what that endgame is and how to get from where you are now, to the point where you want to be. That can take a great deal of planning, and depending on the distance, may require having a certain level of finances in order. If the relationship is ever going to move forward, at some point, one of the two of you has to be willing to move, come Hell or high water, as they often say in the South. In my case, I have been the one to take that step, packing up my young children and moving across the country mere months after meeting my Kenneth, and now I am planning to make another move this Summer. As Maureen said, the happiness factor outweighed all other considerations, for me, and I was/am willing to relocate for love and happiness. When I made the move to be with Kenneth, common sense and everyone I knew advised against it, but it was truly the smartest thing I have ever done in my life, and I would do it all again, without hesitation. The challenges can be HUGE, but they are not insurmountable. I can related to missing two people at once, and I can relate to the misery of not having the person I want to be with, above all others, next to me at any given time. It hurts, when you want to curl up next to that special person in your life, and yet that person is miles away. I, too, can get impatient with waiting on my new life to start. TooSoon, I think you said it best, and truly captured my current mindset, when you said this: