SoVerySad

KT, I agree with the others who have stressed how individual each person who has been lost their spouse's journey is. While we can at times share common paths along the way with others who have the understanding only those who have been through it have, the length and convergences of the journey are unique to each of us as a result of our life experiences both before and after being widowed. So is the way we define things. People use expressions that are intended to apply to all grief in general. I've heard them following the losses of both my parents (grandparents who raised me) and a baby, as well as since my husband died. "You have to deal with it - you can't go over it, under it, or around it - you have to go through it" is a common one. For those who are widowed, it seems obvious. We can't truly make any other choice than to go thru it dealing with it the best we can. It affects us in too many ways to have the luxury of not dealing with it. We can try not to think about it to lessen the pain, but the reminders are endless - household chores that are now ours, no one to take turns bathing the children, one less income, etc.. So, yes, we have to deal with it. To share a little of what has helped me was to allow myself to deal with it however I needed to that day and not give a damn about what others thought (as long as not unsafe, destructive behaviors). Do I feel sorry for myself some days - unapologetically yes. My children and I have suffered a tremendous, painful loss. Do I feel angry with my husband some days? Sadly, yes. It isn't really his fault he's not here, of course, but it sure sucks cleaning out a home you shared together for 20+ years by yourself. I also take every opportunity to enjoy the good moments as well. Another thing that helped me was to define this experience in my own way. I kept hearing that I have to accept T's death so I can move forward or I have to let him go, etc.. I bristled at that advice. I have come to realize I don't need to accept T's untimely death (which is good because I don't believe I ever will). To me, acceptance means an implicit sense of peace with it. Nope, not gonna happen. It is not okay that our children have lost their amazing dad and I have lost my very best friend and soulmate. I have learned that I do have to acknowledge it, though, even as painful as it has been to do so. I needed to acknowledge it happened to focus that I can't go back, despite how much I still long to do so. It has personally taken that acknowledgement to force me to consider where I go from here. But that has had to be in MY timeframe. I don't know if that helps out all. The biggest thing is not to judge how you dealing with things based on others' comments or experiences. We don't need to put ourselves under anymore pressure than we already have. Sending you tight hugs...

Sending you tight, tight hugs, AW, as well as love to you and your family.

Tight hugs to you, Carey. I found year 2 much harder than year one, so please know you aren't alone. I can attest as well that medical issues on top of grief make everything so, so much harder. I'm sending you love and understanding. More hugs...

I am thankful for my kids, who truly are amazing despite being teens. I am also thankful for my cats who ensure I constantly have at least one companion. I'm thankful to still have my husbands parents who we love so much to share our holidays with. I think I'd feel T's absence even more if not for them. In addition, I am truly thankful for this community of wonderful people who find a way to support and comfort me despite being in the depths of their own personal despair. You are appreciated more than you know. Thanksgiving hugs to all...

Sending you tight hugs, DW. It is hard to continue those traditions without our loves. Like you, I'm trying to focus on how incredibly blessed I was to have my husband for all the years I did. As I'm further out than you, I'm finding that easier to compartmentalize from the pain of his loss. Earlier on they were so entwined it was hard to as fully appreciate the wonderful years we had. I hope with time it becomes easier for you as well. More hugs...

Yes, this is so true for me as well. I am thankful for many things, especially my children who are truly amazing human beings. Yet missing real joy in my life has taken such a toll on me. I can put on a mask to fake a smile or interest in things, but I know embodying joy cannot be faked. As such, I am changed. Sometimes I fear the changed me resulting from T's death may be harder for my kids than losing T. They have memories of him which will always be the joyful and content man he was. I'm here, but diminished from the mom they knew and counted on. I can't recreate the magic of our lives with T here. It makes me sad. Tight hugs to each of you...

I enjoyed this and agree. When I first met my husband, I thought he was really weird. If anyone had suggested to me that I would someday end up blissfully married to him, I would have thought they were mad. I'm so very glad I gave myself the chance to learn to know all the beauty and goodness within him vs my first impressions. Turns out I like weird. Thank you for sharing, Bunny!

I think that perhaps while accomplishing things on our own is empowering, it is now accompanied by the realization we've had to learn to do these things on our own - that the one whom we counted on is no longer (and will never again) be there to help us. Kind of like how the happy times and moments we are proud of our children, etc. are always accompanied by a bittersweet sadness as well. Independence is great, except for when it's forced vs desired. Having seen your property, raking all the leaves on it is a huge accomplishment. Well done!! Sending love and tight hugs!!

Tight hugs to you, Jess! First, congratulations on your achievement, as well as the recognition for your husband. Such important work he did - work that I'm sure must have been difficult. I wish he could be here to celebrate both honors with you. More hugs...

Tight hugs to you, sakeraki. I am so sorry for the sudden and tragic loss of your wife. I hope you will find a little comfort here among people who understand how devastating the loss of a spouse can be. More hugs...

Carey, I'm sorry I missed your post earlier. First, some tight hugs for you! You are dealing with so much right now. While I understand the wishing you could rewrite the course of how everything happened and do things differently so Chad might still be here, you have to try to be kinder to yourself. You did the best you could at the time with what you knew at the time. You didn't have the knowledge of what was to come. It sucks that we can't somehow get a chance to go back and try to do something to keep our loves here with us, but it is the sad truth. I hope you can find a way to give yourself a break on what you feel were failings to save your energy for all the challenges you are currently facing. I'm sending you love and more hugs. Feel free to PM me if you would like a listening ear.

RWS, Please don't feel the need to apologize. I still miss my husband terribly as well and cry a lot. Despite progress I've made in other ways, the missing being with him hasn't gotten any easier. I'm working hard to move forward with this new life, but I fear my heart may always be this broken. So please know I empathize with you. Sending you love and tight hugs...

Time is strange for me in widowhood as well. At first each day was so long. Finally time is back to passing pretty quickly which is good, because it means I'm that much closer to being back together with T again. As much as I'm looking forward to that day, I don't want to be rushing through my kids last few years before adulthood. It seems impossible my son will turn 18 this summer and my baby girl will turn 16 soon. I also have thought about how hard it has been to have lost T and not had my parents (to me my grandparents who raised me from infancy) here for support. I don't ever want my kids to be in a similar situation where they need me so deeply. As such, I feel like I need to be here for them as long as I can. Yet at times my heart feels pulled towards wanting to be with T again as well. Then I feel guilty. These are confusing emotions to navigate through, especially when we know all too well that the plans we try to envision and set might well be out of our control anyway. Hugs to you...

Tight hugs to you, SWW. I understand the hurt that accompanies the disappointment when those we expected would be there to support us vanish. I think it magnifies the loss of our spouses even more. I remember thinking about all I had done for so many family and friends. I felt cheated and hurt they didn't feel a desire to reciprocate. I realized that I was spending too much energy on my disappointment when I had so little energy to begin with. I decided that for now, I had to let my feelings about those others go. Not necessarily forgiving them, but focusing my energies elsewhere on things that might give me a little relief rather than adding to my pain. It was tough to do at first, but it helped me greatly to let go of that anger. I have no idea what my relationships with those people may be in the future, but it isn't something I need to prioritize right now. I don't know if that approach might help you or not, but thought I would share something that helped me. More hugs...

I'm sorry, Phil. I remember well how hard and lonely those nights are. Bedtime remains my hardest time of day. I'm sending you tight hugs of understanding!!

I'm so sorry for the loss of your pet. Goats are adorable, so I can see how you would become very attached to her. I wish I could give you a hug in person, but hopefully virtual ones might help a little.

I've been doing some Christmas shopping online today. Now I'm getting ready to watch the debate. My sexy life...

Yes, CG, so much sadness ahead for so many. It is heartbreaking. I saw that a man had a piano placed outside the theater where so many were killed and played the song "Imagine". If only... Tight hugs to you...

No, you aren't a crap mom. You are taking her despite not wanting to. That's a good mom. Believe it or not, she will grow up quickly and no longer want to see kids movies you might enjoy seeing. I really wanted to see Hotel Transylvania 2, but both kids didn't want to go. I only got to see Inside Out, because my daughter's friend wanted to see it. I am certain I earned some sort of motherhood badge for taking the kids to see Shark Boy and Lava Girl when they were younger. I thought I might lose my mind in that theater. Worst movie ever!! BTW, have you been watching any of the new Muppet Show episodes? I laugh my head off thru each one. The kids miss much of the humor. I so wish T was still here to watch with me. He'd love it.

The progress you've made is awesome in so many ways, Rob. Congrats and thanks for the inspiration.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, Carey. Sending you love and tight, tight hugs...

I have a lot of really heavy things going on right now. I am feeling completely drained. It sucks to be trying harder than you ever have at anything and achieve such little success. I realize that there is only so much of me to go around, but that results in my doing nothing well - just surviving. The other morning my worries were overwhelming me. I kept thinking in my mind that T needs to be here to help me. I kept it together long enough to get both kids to school. Then the tears started to the point I had to pull off the road for a while. I cried for a little, then pulled myself together. As I pulled back onto the road, I started the stereo in the car to calm my nerves. These were the first words that played: When you're sad, you know I wish I could be there To make your sorrows disappear And set your troubles free It's not fair for me to be this far from you But I promise to stay true Wherever I might be Okay, honey, I'll keep pushing on. I know you'd be here to help me if you could. I love you!!

Fuck that he can't just come back. I can't do this all on my own anymore.

Phil, you are so correct that the endless reminders are so painful. Very small things can hit as sharply as a dagger. I remember that I had to change our bank account password after my husband died. For a while, every time I typed in that new password, it brought me to tears. It was another reminder of how my life had been changed. Please try not to feel badly about not being ready to spread your wife's ashes. I am 2.5 years out and still have my husband's ashes with me. I feel they are the only essence of physical presence I have left and for now it comforts me to have at least that much. Each of us needs to be able to handle these painful issues in what feels right to us on our own timelines. I'm so sorry you have to endure all this pain. Please know we understand how hard it is. We're here to support you. Sending you tight hugs...

Well, I made it through fine. The first hour was crazy busy. The second hour was slower and it was giving me too much time to think. I was starting to feel the loneliness, when a cute little Batman about 3 or 4 years old came up the driveway. I heard his mother tell him to remember what he was supposed to say. He came up to me, looked at me so earnestly, and said, "You are so cute!" I'm guessing he had been hearing that all evening and got it mixed up with his line of "trick-or-treat". He totally made me smile and turned my evening around. I guess Batman really is a hero - at least he was mine tonight. On the other hand, I had quite a few scary clowns tonight - more than I've ever seen before. Given I have a fairly serious fear of clowns, it may explain why I'm having trouble getting to sleep tonight. Clowns... shudder! I'm sorry your birthday didn't turn out better, MrsDan. It hurts when our families don't think to call. Sending you birthday hugs!