SoVerySad

Tight hugs to you, Jen. I'm glad your son's laughter was able to rouse you from your sense of complete hopelessness. This is a tough, tough journey we are on. I agree with you completely that we need to find a new way to define ourselves and add meaning to these new lives we've been thrust into. It is a big task. I hope we can continue to support each other as we try to move forward. I'm glad Amsterdam is coming soon for you (and envious). Sending you love and tight hugs...

Well, that was a really lousy thing for them to do. I'm sorry, Trying, for the hurt it has caused you. Tight hugs...

I took the kids to see Inside Out last night. Lots of laughter which always feels so good.

Smabify, I read your original post and understood why you would feel that way. Being told you are strong will mean different things to different people, of course. More importantly, I think, it will mean different things at different times and in different circumstances. If it is said in retrospect, after you've gotten through a hard time and people are commenting on the strength you showed during that time, it might feel more affirming. However, I have found that sometimes people say that as a way to avoid offering assistance - as if to say, well, I would help you, but clearly you've got it covered. It is kind of like people see you standing holding up a huge boulder. Your face is red, you're breathing hard, knees buckling, clearly showing signs of distress. People around you are looking at you as if marveling how you are managing to hold up all that weight and commenting on how strong you are, rather than thinking that perhaps they might be able to lend a hand to steady or support the boulder for a little while to help you continue to manage the load. It isn't so much that you are so strong that is allowing you to keep the boulder in the air, it is more that you happen to be the one having the responsibility to do so. Maybe people aren't able to physically assist you with the boulder, but it would help for people to understand how hard that job is to do - to allow you the opportunity to honestly share the impact holding the boulder has, rather than just commenting on how great you are doing. I believe you are strong. Yet I imagine you are also exhausted, sad, worried, overwhelmed, and I'm sure many other things due to your circumstances. Honestly, you have been through a lot and it is ongoing. You haven't gotten a break and I'm guessing you don't see one waiting for you anytime soon. I wish I were able to help you in some way, smabify, to give you a small reprieve from all the worries and work. Being told how strong you are may not mean much when you feel just the opposite of strong. I suspect those comments make you feel like people aren't really seeing you and how weary you may be. Sending you love and tight hugs...

Oh my goodness, thank you all so much for the kind words, support, and hugs. I've read your posts several times and you've given me the fuel to keep pushing on. I remember early on adopting Wifeless' words "You won't always feel the way you do now" as my lifeline. I think I've been losing hope lately that will be true for me, causing me to wonder how I will endure this year after year. Maureen, you described my relationship with T so exactly it took my breath away. You are right that having lost that isn't easy to overcome. Thank you again. Your replies mean more to me than I can express.

I'm glad you found your pups a home where you know they'll be loved, L. I can understand it must be very hard, though. Tight hugs...

It sounds amazing (and so brave), Maureen. I'm glad you have your niece to share these experiences with. How wonderful for you both. Hugs, Carol

I have been trying to help myself understand why the loss of T still feels so unbearable to me. I haven't had an easy life. While I had a great marriage, we had a lot of tough times and difficult circumstances. I've lost both my parents (grandparents who raised me), as well as a baby. I dealt with 10 years of infertility, T's health decline, my son's medical needs, etc. Throughout all those painful experiences, I found a way to push through them. I've typically been a pretty pragmatic, make the best of things gal. But this experience is just so different. I realize that the key difference is T is no longer by my side helping me through the tough times. Yet, was it all him? Was there no part of me alone that embodied resilience and motivation? I've searched and searched for it within myself and can't seem to find a trace of it. It is a completely unsettling feeling. The loss of T has been massive, yet I still have two wonderful children I want to help enjoy a good life. I feel so immobilized, even after 2 years +. I'm so disappointed in myself, yet seem incapable of helping myself reclaim happiness. I know I'm the only one who can do it. I'm continuing to try daily, but the results feel so discouraging and the misery continues (with brief moments of joy which I savor).

Sending you love and tight hugs! I'm glad you got those songs.

I'm facing my 30th anniversary in a few months, nonesuch. I remember on our 25th, I worried with my husband's health issues if we'd make it to our 50th. Sigh... I'm sorry it is hitting you so hard. Just wanted to send you a hug and let you know I can relate to how these milestones hurt.

Mikeeh, I am 2 yrs, 3 mos out and still wearing my wedding rings. I have never been one to notice whether other people have wedding rings or not. I continue to wear my rings just for me, because it still feels like they belong there. I don't care too much about how others may feel about it. Maybe it is my ongoing reminder to myself that I have been deeply loved and valued enough to form and commit to a life with when I feel so empty now so much of the time. Your posts reveal a tremendously thoughtful soul capable of deep and abiding love. I don't believe you've lost those traits of humanity with the loss of your wife. They may feel dormant right now, which I understand and can relate to. Not everyone is focused on exterior appearances. I feel certain anyone getting to know you will appreciate your gifts - ring or no ring. Tight hugs to you, Mikeeh...

I'm so sorry, Trying. It must feel so scary and overwhelming. Please know I'm sending you love and tight hugs.

Hugs to all of you having a tough day/evening. I'm in good company at least. Since my wrist is healing, I'm back to trying to finish packing up our house. It is so emotionally hard for me, but it must be done. I feel sick every time I drive there. I'm undoing things T did - simple things like taking down the quilt hanger he put up for me. More painful than most would understand. But I'm making some progress at least. Not a fun way to spend my Saturday evening, but now I'm home and resting. Hoping to get settled down enough to sleep.

PJ, I've been trying to think about how to reply to your post. It is hard, because I've never been in your unique situation. Let me first give you a hug. I understand your confusion and hurt. I am going to share my impression as an outsider looking in. I really believe it is important that you retake the reins now that you are local to your daughter again. It made sense for your sister to be in charge when you were so far away, but things are different now. You are your daughter's mother. You should not need to ask your sister's permission to have your daughter stay with you. I do feel your sister is justified in knowing when she is to be responsible for keeping your daughter so she can plan accordingly. However, if your daughter stays with you, that shouldn't provide a hardship on your sister unless she is using your daughter for babysitting purposes. I realize your childcare situation has a unique angle in that your daughter requires supervision, but not really a lot of assistance at her age. Can you try to find a college student or two or three who might be able to take turns to be with her just to monitor things when you are working? Perhaps you could ask around at your new job to see if anyone there knows a responsible young person, or an older person who might be interested in making a little extra money? I realize it would be an extra expense. Is your sister still getting the majority of your daughter's SS money? If so, then if she isn't living with her as much, maybe you could reclaim that money to use for paying someone to watch her. I think your sister is being exceptionally rigid in setting the terms for your daughter being with her. She should be supporting you in reuniting your daughter back into living with you. It seems like her actions are about what is best for her, not necessarily your daughter. What does she have to lose by trying to work with you to get your daughter settled back in with you ASAP? As far as your daughter being upset about being alone, I feel you can tell her that you regret you didn't follow your instinct to wake her before you left instead of listening to your sister. (It is the truth, right?) Tell her that she should always call you anytime you she feels afraid. I am confused why your sister felt it was okay to leave her alone then - maybe because it was day instead of night? Does she leave your daughter alone with her children? I know you have a lot on your plate with the move and finding a new job, etc.. And I'm sure it is exhausting after all you've been through over the past couple of years. You deserve to be receiving more respect from your sister than you are receiving, IMO. She needs to act as the aunt she is in supporting you the mother. I believe the longer you leave your sister to be the one in control now that you are there, the harder it may be to have your daughter see you as the one in charge which is going to be essential. Is your sister being more of a help or a hindrance? If it is a hindrance, then I think you need to talk to her about what your needs are from her at this point and see how she is able or wants to help within that framework. I realize you feel you really still need her. I suspect she asserts herself so strongly because she know that you feel that way. I know you want what is best for your daughter and I believe you can provide that better than anyone else. You may need to find other resources than your sister to make it work if she doesn't feel she can help in the ways you need now. Again, just my thoughts from outside looking in. Words are easy and I realize you're in the middle of some strong emotional dynamics. I just really do think it should be you setting up the framework now, not your sister. I also wonder if your sister's edginess might have a negative impact on your daughter. Maybe you could tell your sister you'd like to get settled into a routine of being with your daughter and adapting to the change before the pressures of a new job for you and a new school year for her set in. More hugs, PJ. I know you'll get it figured out.

KT, with threads I suspect I may disagree with or be bothered by from reading a thread title, I will skip over them. This issue very much relates to widowhood and losing a spouse/SO, as some of our members have eloquently shared over the two years I've been here and on the ywbb. It isn't just a political issue to many people - it affects their lives in important ways. I have been educated just how much by some of my fellow wids who've been walking this widowhood journey with me, carrying an extra load I was fortunate enough not to have to carry. Please keep asking your questions and sharing your struggles. I feel certain you'll continue to find this a place to find comfort. Hugs to you...

Tight hugs to you, Lost. I'm not further out, so I can't answer your question in that respect. I can relate to rolling similar questions around in my head and the resulting pain and fear. More hugs...

Congratulations on finding happiness again, Serpico. Would it help to lessen the dissonance of feeling happier than you have for a while on the sadiversary, if you consider that your wife would likely be really glad you are experiencing happy tears instead of tears of sadness?

Sending you hugs, MS. I haven't thought about dating anyone else yet, but I do understand still missing someone so deeply. The feeling of emptiness is so tiring. Tight hugs...

Candace, I'm so sorry your father is so ill and his illness has brought the grief over losing your husband and mother back so acutely. It is very hard not to have our spouses to lean on when we are hurting so much. I wish I knew how to help you feel a little better. Sending you love and tight hugs...

Congratulations!!!

I'm sorry, RIFF. It is so hard to not have our spouses to share our worries with. It is also unsettling to have our minds go to the worst case scenario based upon what we've been through. I'm hoping that your brother gets diagnosed, treated, and feels better soon. I'm sure it is hard to hide your worry from your parents. Although it pales in comparison to the support of a spouse, please know we're here to listen and offer our support. Sending you tight hugs...

I feel it is wonderful news! And not really OT as we have had some lovely members of our widow community whose losses were made even more difficult due to not having the same rights as other couples were entitled to. I'm thinking of them today.

Carey, I'm so sorry you are facing this medical issue. I do not think it is selfish to want the kids to know why you may be responding as you are. I had to tell my kids about my medical issues so they know what to do if I suffer consequences of it - ie. they need to know what to tell medics, etc.. I actually have a little note hanging on the fridge with relevant info they need to share if something were to happen. I really didn't want to tell them, but I also didn't want them to be in a situation where they weren't prepared in any way for me to experience side effects or episodes which might scare them even more, especially given my husband died suddenly in their presence. I think you can share this info while stressing it is treatable, etc.. Let them know you are keeping on top of it so you'll continue to remain healthy. I think there is a risk if you don't mention it and eventually are forced to do so or they learn about it another way, that they will wonder if there is anything else you are keeping from them. Given that we are the only parent our children have left, I think the trust issue is really important. Given that your kids are older, I think they are at an age where they can handle this information. One word of advice - be sure to tell them your medical situation is unique to you and your doctors are watching closely. My son did some online research into my medical issues. As we know, looking up medical issues on the internet can cause unnecessary worry. I told them just to ask me if they have questions. I hope your treatments go well. Tight hugs...

I'm so sorry. It is a terrible burden on top of the devastating loss. I paid $1700 a month for COBRA for a year + until I could get other coverage through Obamacare (as it wasn't yet available when my husband first died). Take a deep breath and start making some calls. I found that when I tried to continue my policy directly with the insurance company we were with in lieu of COBRA it was going to cost me a little more than the COBRA. If you check into the Obamacare through the healthcare.gov website, they should be able to help get your kids hooked up with CHIP if they qualify. Like Wheelerswife, I also had a major health issue come up and needed the coverage, so it was good that I continued with the COBRA as my medical bills were quite high (in excess of $100K). Again, I really do sympathize with you as I know how overwhelmed I felt having to deal with finding new insurance. One tip is to take good notes when you are checking into things as widow brain makes it hard to remember things. Sending you a tight hug...

Biscuit, I would allow them to purchase the bench if you think your husband would want his mom to be allowed to do so. I would not pay for it. Although you feel more financially secure, it is hard to know what unexpected situation might arise where you need that money since it is just you now. I actually learned this myself the hard way.) $3000 is quite a lot of money. Whatever you decide from the options you've shared, in no case would your decision make you money-hogging or heartless, so do what is best for you. While I'm sure your husband loved to make his mom happy, he also clearly wanted to give you a secure life and loved you as well. That collection made by friends was made in the same spirit. Sending you hugs...