arneal

^^^^^^This. StillWidowed, well-said.

{{{hugs}}} tybec.

So sorry, tybec. NG and I had a conversation early on about narcissism. He mentioned that he came from a very narcissistic family and some years ago, a friend (girlfriend maybe?) pointed out how narcissistic he was. It made him become very introspective and careful. I wonder if those traits ever fully disappear or if they morph into something less personally toxic like being selfish with time. Maybe we all can take a lesson from Virgo and let our NGs come to us while we do our thing. Since you and your son don't have the desire to hunt and all that like your NG and his sons do, is there anything you all can do in common that you all enjoy? If so, maybe it is something to suggest? Otherwise, maybe going on and doing things for you and your son will leave your NG the space to decide what it is he plans to do, or at least to be open to a deeper conversation. Maybe when you have a moment alone and away from others you can say something like, 'Hey, did you realize it's been three weeks since we were alone together -- what should we do about that?'

I hear that, Virgo. I remember when LH first got sick and couldn't mow the lawn anymore. It became my son's and my job. LH hated to see us out there so we would try to do it when he went to the store or was still in bed (as if the sound didn't alert him to what we were up to). The house we moved to after that just had a little patch in front that could be done with a weed wacker, which he did with joy. The house I bought after that had a pretty good sized front and back (the back stopped growing grass after our first dog ate the irrigation back there) so we got someone to do it for us. Not too long before LH died, the guy who was doing it finked out; I think he started only taking contracts from the wealthier households near the country club. Plus his own dad had been ill. However, he drove me bananas because he wouldn't communicate to us what was happening. Just disappeared. I think we owed him a little money too but even though I tried calling after LH died, he never called me back. I have a new person now; he and his wife work together to do the yard. They clean up the back after the dogs for a bit extra as well, which is certainly a savings for me physically. Hated that job lol. Being on this game with NG is funny. Now we are 'talking' every day. I had posted something on social media about hunting gargoyles and he posted back, I guess during his lunch, to say that the game is addictive; I replied that I was having trouble with one particular component and he wrote back that he would help when he got home from work. However, one of the other members we are connected to in the game was online and helped me. When NG got online, he posted in the member game chat that he was home but I had to let him know I'd gotten it sussed out with help from the other member. He played a part of the game with me as well. Cracked me up but it's cool to have a common way to connect more often during the week

Thanks for sharing, Virgo -- I am 48, one son (22) with special needs, been married twice and widowed twice. I married men older than me; I was 30 when the first husband died at 42, 46 when the second husband died at 62. It's been a need for intellectual stimulation that made me look to those older than me; I had not met anyone my age (except once when I was about 19 and he was around 22 or so ... a 'one who got away' story there!) back then. NG however is 53 so we have more life things in common which makes it nice too. He has two daughters in their 20s; he has been estranged from the older of the two because of issues with his ex and he and his younger daughter share an apartment. I've met her and her boyfriend and NG has met my son.

What a roller coaster, eh Virgo? I try not to reach out but end up doing so. I think in my NGs case he feels back when he can't come to me. I don't care about that. Interesting though that we are now connected in this virtual world -- he had no problem calling me sweetie in the public chat as our avatars ran around in separate areas, questing LOL!

Well-said, SW and I fully concur. I was talking to my (adopted because we are close like that) sister last night; she met her husband online and it took three years for them to get to a place where they were ready to talk about marriage. It settled me to hear that because they are a great couple and it made me think about how different it is to build relationship via technology. I live in a very large area -- in Southern California, living close to someone means they are within an hour's drive sometimes LOL. It is not what I am used to; I saw the first husband every day before we connected. I worked with LH every day before we got close to one another. This thing with NG is worth it to me so I am willing to figure out the ways to connect. One interesting way that we have developed a new connection just this weekend is through online gaming. He started playing a multiplayer game on his tablet and got me curious; I asked a few questions and this past weekend he explained a good bit of it to me when I was at his place. I commented that it would give me a good excuse for reimaging one of my computers to play it on there instead of on a phone or tablet; I think he thought I was probably just talking. I sent him a photo yesterday of my game play on the computer. He texted last night and was so impressed by how far I'd leveled up ;D This morning I see he had invited me to be part of his group of players, even though I'd only been involved in the community one day. It will give us something to do, even when we can't be face to face. Silly maybe, but just right for two nerds ;D

Hey Virgo -- that's a tough situation all round. Rooting for you {{{hugs}}}

Hey, Needy - good to see you and glad the strike is over. I am counting the days until break; one of the places I work is off from the 21st until the 3rd. I have no classes until later in January at the second and Christmas day and New Year's day off from the third but thankfully there are no assignments to mark which means I will check into the classroom here and there while I am at my mom's. I hear you about the $ thing. LH got finalized his divorce after we were together. I bought the house in my name only. Cars too. His ex had no claim. Fortunately she did not get alimony - they had been legally separated for almost 12 years by then. LH and I kept our bank accounts separate and taxes as well just in case she got any ideas down the line. I am sure you and your NG will work it out. Quiet weekend here. Had a good day, did some cooking, and am watching my dogs sleep while I binge on tv. Will go see NG tomorrow as it is too windy for him to come my way. Plus he has ridden on his bike tires until they are probably not safe for more that a trip to the corner store and back if that. Hope everyone is having a good day!

tybec -- monopolize away ... that is what we are all hear for (no misspell -- ). I am glad you were able to express yourself and that at this stage in your connectedness your NG took it as he did. My NG and I spend a day together a week generally, so even though it's been a year and a half, his work and my work -- keeping the bills paid, keeping a roof over the head -- takes priority. However, I smiled at your comment about being marriage material early on ... my NG trusted me early, more so than anyone I've ever met. He has had some difficult experiences and the thought of ending up homeless is a fear of his. I get it as I struggle too. He is an introvert and so am I, so we both value our solitary space but enjoy togetherness too. It's weird. We dance around this relationship business and the steps seem to get more and more intricate ... One thing I've noticed is that he struggles between wanting compliments and accepting them; from what I understand, he's never gotten many. I am glad to see he's getting better at accepting them from me. My mom gave me an 'in' on the photo thing yesterday. She asked me if 'my friend' wanted to come visit with me, so I texted him about it; we actually already talked about him going because his sister lives not far from my mom but with him being the new guy on the job he figures he'll be on call during the holidays. However, I can ask for a photo in lieu of having him there for my mom to see. : ;D Rambling, indeed ...

Hi, all -- been quiet around here lately. Is everyone still on Thanksgiving food hangover or out shopping until they drop? Time is flying and as I get closer to leaving to see my mom, I continue to plan how to get this photo ... We had a great conversation last weekend, not about photos but I mentioned that the end of November was a year and a half since our first date. We had a 'I am not going anywhere' conversation around that. Funny -- my play little brother offers wise counsel; he mentioned that some guys are shy about expressing their feelings and it sounds like NG is one of them. Doesn't make things easy to figure out, but I am glad to have him to bounce things off of regularly to get a male perspective. Hope everyone is doing okay out there!

Thank you, trying2 -- I am sorry you are feeling low. I too have been in pj mode, but it's been because I am comfy in my space. I have had several dreams and LH was in them, but it seemed more strange than sad. I didn't dream of him early on but these last several months he's been there as if he hadn't died. I have my moments of feeling guilty that I don't think of him more often. I have moments that I appreciate having my house and my time to myself, especially when I just come and go, doing whatever I like. I have NGs gift already wrapped and tucked in the closet. I don't know if I will see him this weekend but would like to. We'll see. I have my volunteer tomorrow morning and archery lesson in the afternoon. It will be what it is, but I am still working on my 'Hey -- come here and take a photo with me' speech ;D ;D ;D

Thanks klim! I need all the cheerleading because I am working on it and welcome the support!!!

Glad things are smoothing out a bit, tybec. It's about our experiences as you allude to -- you had a 21-year marriage that started when you were young, which certainly creates a certain feeling about relationships. I was committed/married for a total of about 25 years over both; the first was a tough nine that ruined my trust in humanity and the second was a much easier 16 that restored it. However, my ability to be completely open and communicate well never developed. NG admits he was hopeful about his first (from which his children came) but it created bitterness and the second created mistrust. We both dance around the fear that either of us might be what we'd already had, the 'bad' of what we already had ... We are now a year and a half since our first date and have grown very much closer since those first dates, yet like cats afraid of our own shadows, we still don't have any 'us' conversations. I have been planning what I want to say the next time we see each other, particularly since my mom is after me for a photo still ;D

Thanks, trying. So sorry to hear about the weirdness, tybec. And those relationship article people say women are peculiar : So I think I posted that my coming to NGs house for Thanksgiving was sort of an expectation ... he just sort of asked me if I was coming I had already decided what I was making and he told he and his daughter were making. It sounded like a family day and he seemed happy about it all. The day before, something changed; I saw a very negative post on social media about family. I texted to ask if he was okay and he said he was. I asked about what time he wanted me to come. When I got there, I found out that his daughter had decided to go to her mom's (and grandparents -- her mom lives with her parents). It was the two of us and I think he was okay with it in the end. He decided to cook a chicken but his stove wasn't working properly, so he was a bit anxious about that. He had planned to visit one of his friends from home who lives in Southern California the day after. I know he was not happy with the way the chicken turned out (it didn't get done until after 8 but we were already pretty full after eating appetizers and what I had brought) so I invited him to my house sometime over the weekend because I was making mac and cheese and a prime roast. I texted when I got home to tell him to ride safely and let me know he was all right (holiday traffic is not always kind to bikers). I figured I wouldn't hear from him until Sunday. In the end I didn't hear from him, which made me sad. I sent a text last night to let him know I missed him and he responded with kiss emojis, which he didn't used to do. But none of that was what caused the issue; I got up yesterday to find my fridge on the fritz. I rushed to put everything in my backup freezer and am praying the reset will have the fridge working again. Otherwise, I will need to call in for repairs; I have appliance insurance but am on the edge with my finances as I just bought tickets to go see my mom back east for Christmas. That's a great point, klim -- thanks for sharing it. I am working up the nerve to ask NG for a photo together before I go to see my mom as she is just dying to know what he looks like It's always something. The stress of the weekend got me down for sure. I think the other thing that gets me down is that NG doesn't reach out when he's feeling low and I wish he would. We all handle sadness differently, so this is totally a 'me' thing. If the opportunity arose for us to spend more time together, I would. I even spent Friday clearing out more junk in closets and other spaces should the opportunity ever present itself. In the end, it is fortunate that my friends down the block went to Vegas; I am co-dog sitting so I have been going back and forth between our houses to make sure her babies are okay. It's kept me occupied enough not to be too irritated or sad. Well, back to the grind today, right?

Hi all and hope your Thanksgiving weekend was nice. Mine was slightly disappointing. I am on my tablet so too much to type out with one finger. Next time online will share. In one of those periods of mental struggle.

That's good that your son had a relationship with his dad's family, Captains wife. It makes perfect sense in that case.

Remember Needy -- you can't dictate his feelings. One weekend off with your friends would hurt him? That's very sensitive indeed if true. You all might need to have a conversation about boundaries ... it is our ability to fend for ourselves in a general sense and to have an ability to keep ourselves entertained that makes us interesting. It is problematic if our new signif's can't handle that we had lives before we met them and continue to have lives afterward. I think there is something inherent in all of us related to communication, but we just don't know how to get it out correctly. I think I shared something that happened a couple of weeks ago. I absolutely adore spending time with NG but try not to be a succubus about it since he works a lot during the week and may want a weekend to himself once in a while. If I don't hear from him, I don't push it; I'll send a text on Monday, wishing him a good week. That weekend, I didn't hear from him and didn't message until closer to the end of the week because my schedule had been a bit crazy. He replied to say he hadn't been feeling well but wished I could have come over. He didn't reach out to tell me that though, so how would I have known? I took soup and such over that next weekend and when I texted to let him know I'd gotten home, he thanked me for taking such good and tender care of him. Last week, I texted some information early on but got no reply. I didn't hear from him on the weekend and went on with things. It was a very emotional Sunday as a young man in our congregation had been killed on Thursday (24 years old, hit by a car ... most of us had not heard) so I was very teary. I posted something on social media and he texted me right away to ask if I was okay. When I explained, he sent a sad emoji, a first. I asked if he'd gotten my messages and he said he'd gotten the first one but not the second and could not reply as he had phone troubles. We are planning Thanksgiving so I expect to reach out to confirm what time he would like me to arrive on Thursday. I know that my way of communicating and his are different and I don't expect him to change it for me. Do I expect that our way of connecting will change with time? If we continue to grow closer, sure. In the meantime, I try to not have too many expectations, except for those I place on myself rather than on him. That's it, MrsReader -- trying to relax and take it one day at a time ... that's about all we can do. Good for you that you all had a conversation about communication though!

Yeah, this is a strange area for me as well, but not so much with parents. LHs mom was already dead when we met and his dad died the year or so before we got married, so no inlaws of that sort to content with. However, he has many cousins, an auntie and uncle, and his daughter. I am close to two of the cousins and call them 'cousin'; struggle with what to call his daughter as I have separated emotionally from her quite a bit. She is still mourning I think because she didn't stay in touch with her dad as much as she feels she should have as a daughter. I can't comfort her in that way as I lived through the worst of his illness and can't re-hash as I go on with life. She is about to be 32 after all. I tend to call her my former husband's daughter but occasionally say stepdaughter. It is weird indeed. I get a bit uncomfortable when some of the others call me from time to time. It just feels strange now that he is gone. I guess it's because I come from a small family and we don't really keep in touch; I don't know how to 'do' family in this situation ...

Good points tybec. It has to be much harder for those who had an ideal situation before. I had a horrid first go at marriage and was grateful for the second go. I learned that love is not painful but patient, among other good fortune cookie points ;D But seriously, second LH taught me about accepting and loving myself and allowing someone else to love me as well. I needed that to survive his illness and subsequent death as well as now moving forward with the life I need to live. NG I hope will be a deepening part of it as time goes on and I recognize that I have never looked for perfection but for someone who is willing (to use your words) accept my warts as much as I accept theirs

Thank goodness for the little one that you can attend, Trying. However, be prepared for weirdness from his mum because you did a good thing :

Welcome, duckie -- what a rollercoaster ride, right? Mizpah's post is fabulous, as always! One thing that several of us here have commented on over at the 'For those in budding relationships' thread (and do join us if you like), this thing called dating or building a new chapter doesn't look the same for any of us. We have fits and starts, we have freakout moments, we have like Mizpah said those days where we just never want to let the new person go, and others where we want to hole up in our own hovels and not come out to talk or text for days. I agree with Captains Wife and Leadfeather -- take a moment to breathe, assess yourself, and determine what it is you have going on. It is true that some people haven't found that special someone to spend lots of time with. Have you had conversations about your pasts? You mention the emotion you feel about your DH; does NG express any such emotion about a past love? Sometimes, and I dare say it goes for all of us, we spend a lot of time sharing negative stories about past situations -- I have told my NG all about my abusive first marriage, he has done the same. I don't spend as much time talking about my second marriage, which was quite good. I think he gets that, just from the way I live my life. Yet we have gotten to a place after (gasp!) a year and a half where I believe we know each other pretty well. At least I hope so The point is, know yourself, be yourself, determine what you want (a casual relationship, a serious relationship) and don't settle. In the meantime, protect your heart -- as trying mentioned, we are a different breed, us wids, no matter what the circumstance or relationship before -- and enjoy. All the best!

So sorry to hear that, Newgirl. It is hard when family is toxic. I am far away from all my family as well, except my son (who does not live with me) and three cousins of my LH, none of whom live in my state. The three of them are kinder to me than 'blood' family. I don't hear much from one but he invited me to visit should I ever be in his state, while the other two stay in fairly close touch. However, it taints us from wanting to be close, doesn't it? I freak out inside when anyone suggests coming to visit because I don't want them to stay with me (the one cousin stayed with LH and I for a while ... boy was that something; the other is very level-headed, wants to visit as she has never been to this state, but wants to get her own hotel and rental car because she knows I work every day and have my guard dogs here).

Oh, momto ... Rather than the nunnery, join me and let's write a book!

That's awful, Mmb. So sorry to hear.