arneal

No disrespect felt at all, Love2 -- my list is more esoteric ... I guess it would be clearer for me to say that I knew more of what I didn't want and had a general idea of what I did want. Like not someone who drinks more than socially; someone with a faith base -- not necessarily the same as mine but if not a believer in some way, we probably would be too different; someone who was not a total couch potato since I do go for walks or to the gym. I still suggest that in some way, we all have some parameters ...

WidowWhisperer -- I don't think you have a list that is that different from anyone's. You have expectations and standards. As we all do. My list was pretty much the same as yours, except for Jewish, I had 'diverse' (for me, it would be disingenuous to teach diversity courses but limit myself from being open to date men from a variety of cultures or ethnicities). It was trial and error that led me to BF, who I met online. This weekend makes two years since we met. We now live together. Who knows what the future holds?

faye -- even to make sure you get put away the way you want should you get called to cross the Rainbow Bridge ...

I was young and stupid when I married the first time. Vows scared me but not saying them and suffering the wrath after everyone left scared me more. Second go was much easier, not so pressured. Would I do it again? Maybe. Not worried over it. More concerned with the practicals of life: like would I leave my house to BF? Would I trust him to take care of my two fur babies? Would I trust him to try and check on my son from time to time? I think so. But the horror movie watcher in me says the jury is still out 😂 I honestly trust him but would not want to burden him with such a conversation just yet. Our 'official' two years together is Memorial weekend. His birthday is next month and we've already decided to go away for the weekend. Maybe then, removed from the ordinary, every day ...

It sounds like you all may have had 'great' in the past with your relationships? As I've mentioned, the first marriage was the most painful thing I'd ever experienced and I thought I would never deal with humans again lol. Abuse is no joke but I had to get to a place of being able to laugh again ... My second marriage was good, hard work with his illnesses, but good. Comfortable. Respectful. Taught me that love is a good thing. Life with BF is good. He does his thing and I do mine, even though we are under the same roof now. I don't look to him for anything really. It's like one of my students said yesterday: 'I love you, I want you, but I don't need you'. I am traveling for work right now and we tend to text each other at night; I mentioned we are gamers so we might say good morning in-game (didn't do so this morning). I try to remember to reach out so it's not like he's always reaching to me. I think after all I've been through I am at a place where it's gonna be what it's gonna be. Can't know what tomorrow will bring so I will enjoy today. I don't think marriage will happen. If it does, wow. If it doesn't, that's okay. I think it comes down to you knowing what you want. If you want someone who is going to dote over you, bring the flowers and all that, and if your NG isn't doing that, can you live with it? I don't mean to trivialize but it all boils down to what is 'enough'. Remember -- it's not the other person that brings happiness. It is within. The other person is just the icing on the cake 😘

Looks like you trailed off there, trying2 😕 Happy Monday all! I traveled for work yesterday for a week away from home. BF took me to the airport; our conversations on Saturday were interesting in that he didn't remember that my day to leave was the next day. He asked me a couple times when I was coming back, how long I'd be gone (same thing, right? lol) and was very attentive. He cooked dinner on Saturday night. I told him I would be get a ride home from the airport since my arrival will cross up with his work schedule and I certainly didn't want him taking off early to get me. He texted me once about work today, which doesn't usually happen. Guess I'm growing on him lol.

So sorry to hear, tybec. My BF is home today; his job is making him very unhappy. I had to go out for a meeting and grocery shopping as I need to be away next week; when I got home, he was ignoring calls on his work phone 😳 He is very tired, asleep right now. The commute is sometimes seven hours round trip from place to place so his days are long. He has the skill to start his own business and mentions needing to get out his books to study but has not yet done so. If he doesn't keep this gig, guess he'll have to get on it. And we'll eat a lot of Oodles of Noodles (kidding).

Interesting how it seems we get to a point -- several months, a year, couple years ... whatever it is -- that is defining for how we and our new beloveds deal with one another 😅

Hope all is well though, tybec. I didn't get to see my son on Sunday; he had a very bad day the day before or so and couldn't come. I did go see my uncle and we had a nice lunch. On the way back home, picked up some Greek food for dinner as BF didn't come with. It was good though as the drive gave me time to air out my brain. He didn't have to go into work until last night and it was so late when he got finished that he is home today. I have work so we'll be different parts of the house. Just how it is ... he was asleep and I took my morning walk as planned. Lovely day. Will probably cook some breakfast between meetings

((((hugs))) LF. Your pain, sadness, and disappointment ... Be gentle with yourself.

Happy Friday all and for the Star Wars fans in the house, May the Fourth Be With You 😁 I mentioned that I am going to see my uncle who is visiting a friend out here for a while as well as my son this weekend. I told BF last night and invited him to come. He paused and said he didn't know, to which I answered something like 'no worries -- let me know'. He then asked if it was on Mother's Day and I told him no, that Mother's Day was the following Sunday, which is the day I leave for another week to go teach on campus. He sort of nodded and was quiet. I think Mother's Day may be a thing for him. His mom is dead but they had a tough relationship. He thinks of her and speaks of her every so often, so I don't know if that was part of it. As I did some chores around the house today, I thought about it some more ... I realize I don't want to be one of those people in a relationship that is either too strictly connected or that's too loose. I want him to know my family, but only if he believes as much as I do that when people are committed, they meet each other's folks (i.e., children, parents, cousins, others who happen to straggle into town or that they go visit if in the area). I had to question my thoughts on that further as far as how will I feel if he doesn't believe that is part of commitment ... I mean, how can it not be, right? He's met my son, I met the one daughter he used to live with; he doesn't have other family that he communicates with in the area. I have no other family west of the Mississippi other than a couple of LHs cousins who consider me family and neither of them is in this state. He's spoken to my mother on the phone. As I tossed it around in my head, I decided should the topic come up of meeting relatives, I will tell him I wouldn't want him to feel weird or uncomfortable but it is important to me if we are looking to be a tight 'thing'. I am not interested in bed hopping (even though right now, the bed we have is mine 🤔) so it's not like it's a deal-breaker, but it's something to suss out. Dunno. No point really ... just sharing thoughts of the day.

Creating new normals is tough sometimes. My uncle is visiting a friend in the area and I am trying to meet up with my son this weekend as well. Am going to ask BF if he wants to come but will go no matter what. The funny thing is, half of me wants him to go while the other half hopes he says he'd rather not ... after my son's first meeting with him that left me abundantly embarrassed, it's my pride talking 😳

Mike -- I had to smile at your comment. Both my BF and I are about half a century old and enjoy one video game in particular. *raises hand to admit she has played the game instead of cleaning the kitchen* 😁 I've mentioned in other threads that I started reading the modern equivalent of advice columns when I started dating again and the stand-outs were Have your own interests and hobbies Appreciate the interests and hobbies of the person you are dating If it's the plan to be serious, be sure to make time to be a couple I was not a gamer but at one point BF started apologizing for all the time he was spending on this game. I was at his place and started asking questions about it and watching how he played. I saw a character that I thought I could get into and mentioned it. He knew I was a tech geek but just about blinded me with the glow of the smile on his face when I said I'd check it out. I went home and started playing, eventually took a screenshot that weekend to show him how I was doing. He was impressed. We live together now and the game is part of our daily routine. jeudi -- I had to crack up at your pork chop comment (BF and I both like them). My no-zone when it comes to food are certain veggies and things like ice cream floats. He laughs when he makes one and I just say, 'Well, at least you don't have to worry about me stealing your float because I like my soda and ice cream separate, thank you'. Since being with him, I have eaten a few things I said I would never eat (much to my mother's glee). From the article, I really liked this point: A marriage between two people who truly cherish one another and maintain their romantic and sexual spark through MINDFUL INTENTION and channeling energy into the human being they promised to love, honor and serve for the rest of their lives Mindful intention ... that's it right there. I don't think it's about choosing a baby over a BF or husband (or GF or wife) but finding balance. Making sure there is still a date night. Making sure there is 'grown up' time when the baby is not at home and it can be just the two of you doing more than hugging 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨 Making sure you show each other that you care. Part of the problem is, once the relationship loses that new car smell (and it always does -- if we are blessed to grow older together, we don't do the same things anymore. Things start sagging that didn't before. Wrinkles, gray hairs in various places, more or less hair in places ... it happens), things can get boring. People forget to look cute for the other person once in a while. They forget to do special little things like they did when they were dating. The couples that stay together for as long as life allows these days are the ones who never neglect to do those things.

Good for you, Virgo -- see how it goes. Anything from other guy?

((((hugs)))) tybec ... Yeah, the mom thing. Can't relate; as my parents' only child and my mom never dropped everything to watch my son. Literally I can count probably how many times she had him, her only grandchild, growing up. Some people have parents that do; my LHs cousin and I are close and she will take time off work if her daughter has something so she can watch her granddaughter. I can't imagine ... I hope it comes together for you hun.

Hoping for the best, klim! I think the house dynamics are always interesting. BF was renting with his daughter (adult) when we met. The first place they had I didn't spend much time at but spent more at the second place, which was bigger. It was more I found out that BF was embarrassed by her lack of cleaning skill (or willpower I suppose ... her bathroom was a nightmare!). Now that he's moved into my house, it's a matter of deciding whether to call it 'ours' or what. He feels some type of way a bit about the town I live in since it gets a bad rap overall but seems to like it here. It's much quieter and less traffic prone most of the time and of course as a house, there's more room. However, my dogs run the place (150lb when put together -- he's 80lb and she's 60lb) so there are times when he can't really move about because of them lol. They adore him, which is what's funny to me. He gets overwhelmed most likely. When we were in two separate places, for me it was 'oh, it's time for me to go home? see ya' or if he was here, 'okay, see you next time either of us goes either way' lol. Funny how he does call this home but it seems distanced from it in a way. Hard to describe ...

Very true, MR. However, as my faith practice teaches, vengeance belongs to the Creator, who will repay. Just like blessings, we don't know when they come. We must 'shake the dust from our feet' and go forward. We cannot continue to dwell on their crap but we must step into our own healing. It is when we dwell that our pain remains so strong.

Oh so sorry that you have gone through this sudnly. Yes, karma is a you-know-what. He may have hooks in him already ... someone he's met online (oh wait, he hasn't been dating though, right? : ) will drag him through the dirt and back again and all we can do is pray the he gets flashbacks of all the dirt he did to you ...

Thank you for sharing, Virgo -- happy you had a good Friday!!!

Sorry to hear his kids have had a rough go, tybec, but it seems you are handling it all like a superstar! Go, you!

Virgo, I would say there is a bit of work involved in every relationship. As a mom, things didn't stay smooth with my son and we've known each other since he was born ;D With a stranger, a new interest, it will take time and work to get to know one another. However, as Mike said, it should not be similar or worse feeling than DMV!

^^^ what trying2 said!

Sorry Virgo Do you think you'll have to tell him straight that you all need to talk about the lack of communication? Might he not get it more than he's avoiding it? Or if he is just avoiding, calling it out now and having the tough conversation is needed. If he stays silent, you'll need to decide how to move forward ... either way, it will be important that you are clear. This sort of thing is so tough ... {{{hugs}}}

Ha sdnlysngl -- one can only hope ;D ;D ;D

Happy Monday all! The 'I love you' thing happened accidentally with BF and I. Can you say awkward? Lol. However, I too am one of those who isn't good at saying it but try to show it. I once read something about mirroring, particularly regarding body language. Like if your guy (or girl) rubs your face when you kiss, do it back to him or her once in a while because that is how love and closeness are expressed. I have started doing things like reaching for hugs randomly through the evenings because BF does that. It's a way to say the words without saying the words