arneal

^^ Totally, this! Thank you, kjs -- well-said.

momof2 -- sometimes it is the expectation of the other party. He may be nervous about actually meeting you (best case) or he is interested in something other than dinner (what I often found). I tended to get right to it: I am not looking for a hook up, do not want an intimate partner or a friend with benefits. Put almost those words in my profile and the contacts became few and far between. However, there were a few who were quite persistent in trying! I adjusted my profile several times and apologized if my NJ sharp tongue was off-putting, but I wrote how I felt. I focused on one person at a time as I was in no rush to meet someone. Don't give up. And also consider other ways to meet people. If you have a hobby, consider getting more involved. If you don't, find one Check out local meet and greets or speed dating -- that way, you are already face to face with several possibilities. If you are involved in a faith community, become more of a volunteer around the parish. None of these 'guarantee' you won't meet people who will drift, not reply, or be just plain weird, but it opens the possibilities. Plus with the hobby thing, you'll get to have fun and maybe learn a new skill!

So sorry to hear about that, Mrs. Reader. As you see around the different boards, we each have had a different grief journey. Some move on and start creating a new normal fairly quickly while others need more time. Some have a roller coaster ride with grief. There is no saying what that journey will look like from person to person or from day to day. It is often a hard balance between wanting to not be alone and grieving the loss of a husband or wife. Taking a break to come to terms with your own emotion is vital. It is important that you are as whole as you can be before joining with another. There may be days that you aren't so whole, but that's to be expected and something that you can work out as you go along, especially when you can put it into words to explain to that special someone you allow to get close.

Happy Monday all -- hope everyone had a nice weekend? Warning -- Junior high moment ahead ... I managed to get NG to my friend for a two-hour massage. I had to laugh because he texted me early Saturday morning about when I'd be done with my things to figure out our time together. I had my volunteer at 8 am then off to the archery range at 10, so I was expecting to be home by 11:30; he said he'd get to my place by about 1-ish, which I took to mean between 1-1:30. However, he rode up at about 12:45. I was just finished tidying and was surprised that he was early We sat around and chatted for a bit and then headed out. I had a meal already prepped so when we got back I finished cooking and he had two helpings, so I guess I did good ;D We chatted yesterday morning and I texted him some info that I thought might be helpful (a tech thing I was familiar with) and he texted me back with a thanks and a kiss emoji. Needless to say, I was thrilled. Junior high indeed.

tybec and Mrs Reader -- you bring up an interesting point here about comparisons. I think it may be natural to refer to what we know, which is not necessarily a bad thing. How can we know what we will or will not accept without having something to relate an experience to? However, the problem comes when we cannot find a place of compromise. We all have faults, defects, shortcomings, so do we expect our NGs to be some form of perfect while we are who we are? The thing about 'knowing' is interesting as well. I've read several newsletters (one just yesterday) about how to know if this guy is 'the one' ... interestingly, the last point on the list was 'you just know'. Thanks -- that really helps : The point that all the articles make about it is, a person is 'the one' when you all have the conversation and declare yourselves a couple. Until that point, you aren't a couple. Period. Yet even with a decision to be a couple does not guarantee that he or she is 'the one'. That's not something anyone can tell, unless they have a crystal ball tybec -- your comment about feeling like a teenager made me smile because my pretend little brother and I talk all the time about how dating is so junior high. So true.

Blessings to you, tybec.

Thank you for sharing, klim. Sounds like you have your hands full. Your description sounds like your NG might have some social anxiety. If it was a self image thing, he'd probably blow himself up a bit even when you all are in private. If he has a reaction to needing to focus on your son instead of on him, that could be a pinch of narcissism. My alarms start going off in these situations because of my own past with an abusive first marriage, plus my master's is in counseling so I tend to analyze quite a bit (as if you all couldn't tell ;D ). If he dismisses your upset, that's an indication you all need to sit down talk. If he doesn't think showing up on time to your family event is important, indication #2. If he acts in a way that is markedly different in public than he does in private, indication #3. If he pouts because you don't put him first in all things but will put his own needs first over yours (as in he will fidget about needing to go to court but won't allow you the space to care for your son), indication #4. These are major signs it's time for a Come to Jesus conversation: you are not neglecting him or his needs when you need to focus on your son; you are not trying to change him by providing concrete examples of his acting differently in public than in private; you are not trying to dictate his schedule when you ask him to be part of a holiday with family; and you are not trying to tell him how to feel when you express that something he did upset you. If he doesn't like that you have identified these things, you may need to give it all some additional thought. I would suggest perhaps having the conversation as casually as possible in a public place, like a coffeeshop or if you all are out to dinner. I say that to avoid possible outbursts in private, but that's just me talking from my experiences again ... It may be insecurity or it may be more. Better to find out now and suss it out.

Well-said, Trying. And it goes both ways, but I think in some cases, it is important to be perceptive to what the person we are with likes. I've asked NG a few times what he would like for different occasions and more often than not he'll shrug or leave it to me. I think in his case, his ex's never did anything for him so whatever it is, he is happy with. I try to remember the foods he likes or dislikes while still being creative in the kitchen. I asked him what he'd like for Christmas and while he told me, the specifics of the item he left for me. It's the saying how I feel more so than showing it that I am working on ...

... damned if I do, damned if I don't ... Seems to sum it up best. So sorry, Sugarbell, but it sounds like you handled it like a real woman would :-*

Happy birthday to you both, Needy and trying! Funny, the first marriage was neglectful in all ways, abusive. The first husband didn't give of himself, other than to remind me how much I didn't live up to what he wanted. My second marriage was loving and thrifty; my LH couldn't give much in gifts but he gave of himself fully and taught me how important it is to do that, over and above the 'stuff'. NG has very good taste and is quite giving. We don't talk emotionally but I feel it. I am not so good at talking the emotional stuff and try to show how I feel. Working on it; I've got a plan for what I'd like to say and hope it doesn't come out too mushy :-[

Asking is difficult, isn't it, Needy? How about making it a joint project? If he is handy, maybe you can suggest he teach you how to do a bit of fixing? Working together might be fun; it could also give him the chance to teach you something as well

Aw rats, Captains -- good coparenter but jerk NG? Who'da thunk :-[ Oh, the books we could all write together ...

Good for you, Virgo!

Happy Monday -- this whole clock changing thing gets me every time. I was so sleepy by about 6:30 last night but made myself stay up because my dogs have no idea what time it is and I'm trying to get them to adjust as well I don't know if you heard about the school shooting back in April at Northpark Elementary, where the man came to the school and shot his wife and several others? The wife, a teacher, and one of her students died that day. The school is not far from my house and one of my friends was invited to bring her photo booth to their fall festival on Saturday; they wanted to do something nice and positive for the community after the tragedy. It was a beautiful day -- pony rides, food trucks, face painting, music. My friend didn't have help and so she had asked me several weeks ago to come with her. It was a great day and it felt good to be part of something positive in our community. I was pooped when I got in and was going to take a shower and just veg out on the couch but by the time I settled my dogs and took off my shoes, I saw NG had texted me to ask what I was doing. I had no plans, told him I'd just gotten in and needed to clean up, was willing to come that way but later. He surprised me and said he needed to ride even though the bike tires are not 100%. It was a good Saturday evening; I still got to sit around and watch tv so it was relaxing. Yesterday morning, we get up and it was raining so you know I felt horrible -- little worse than riding a motorcycle on Southern California highways during a rain! I cooked breakfast and we sat around and talked for a bit until the rain let up and he took off. I told him to text me to let me know he got there okay, which he did. Thanksgiving is settled, interestingly. He had gone into the kitchen to get something to drink and I was in the family room; he asks me what I'm doing for Thanksgiving, am I coming to his place. Just like that. I told him what I was thinking of making and it was settled I said again about going to see my mum around Christmas and he said he wanted to visit his sister, who lives in the northeast as well. I said he should come, but he said he probably wouldn't have that whole week off between Christmas and New Year's as the new guy on the job and would probably be expected to be on call. I left it at that but put it out there. I am hoping to get him in at my friend's massage place next weekend. Might try to drop him off, go to my archery class, and come back since I asked her if he could get a two-hour spot. We'll see ;D How was everyone's weekend?

Good for you, tybec! It's a process ...

So sorry, tybec. As Forgotten said, there is no way of telling how these things will go. While you are there, talk to your mum. If she is considered non-responsive, she can still hear you. My Mom-mom (my mom's mother) was like that. I took an emergency flight home when my mom called to tell me the time was near and that the nurses had said if anyone wanted to see her they needed to come right away. We got to her room at about 11 pm and I held her hand, talked to her, and prayed. I was so worried I was hurting her because they said her skin was sensitive; she moaned a lot, even though I was trying to be careful, I wanted her to feel that I was there as well. I reminded her that all her children and grandchildren were grown up and doing okay. That we loved her. We left there and she died at about 2 in the morning. It's never easy. The first husband was a jerk through tough family times. It had nothing to do with ex's or custody, just his abusive nature. It's hard, trying to balance family life and be compassionate about what your NG is feeling as well. For the holidays, make it great for your kids. If he gets himself together, good. If he ends up distant and only with his family, that's his issue. {{{hugs}}} know that we are here. Sending positive thoughts all round!

So well-said, nextchapter and glad you popped in! I have always had hobbies; it used to drive my LH a bit nutty because I could happily keep to myself for hours. However, when he did the same thing, it was different, right? : I have a couple of photos of 'family' that include 1) me, LH, and my son or2) me, LH, my son, and his daughter. One was #1 at a friends' wedding and another was #2 at our wedding. There are a few isolated ones of us at events like when we would travel back home and people would take a photo with the two of us. I always hid from the camera. I have one photo with my son's dad holding him; only his hands are visible in the photo. I didn't keep any others I don't think. There might be one in the little photo album but the rest got tossed. My son doesn't ask about his birth dad, doesn't even remember him because he was so young when he died. He was abusive so I am not inclined to tell him much. LH, my second husband, was the only dad my son knew anyway. He has a photo of him. I don't think he has any of me. Interesting to consider it now. I wouldn't mind having 'in a relationship' on social media but in many ways I am not ready to broadcast it. NG still has 'divorced' on his, but he's not big on social media; it took him several months to switch from 'separated' to 'divorced' anyway and I remember he put out a message blocking his ex and asking those who knew her not to tag her on his posts and whatnot. Lots of pain there. He is slowly getting comfy with my social circle; he posts and responds to one of my sister-friends, which is nice to see, sharing in our jokes and such. I expect to ask about taking a photo before I go see my mom. I wonder if he'll want a copy of it? ;D

Same here, tybec -- as I've mentioned, I do quite a bit of reading on dating and how to be 'successful' at it. One of the things the so-called experts keep hammering home is that it is important we have our own lives beyond the desire to be with that special someone. We come across as needy if we're always sitting at home, doing nothing. People who know me know that I am an introvert; I could stay in the house every day, all day, and never go anywhere for weeks at a time. I am comfortable in my own space. However, after LH died, I looked at the scale, which wasn't much different than it had been all my life, but was sick of it. A friend of mine was a manager at a local fitness place and I saw her post on social media; in all I had been through I had no idea of her weight struggles. She looked fantastic so I asked her what she'd done. She invited me to an orientation and after hearing her story and the story of one of the trainers, I was in tears. I signed up immediately. I continued for a year after the six-week boot camp but can't afford it anymore. I have a membership to a different local gym but have not been going -- menopause is kicking my butt with aches and pains. However, stretching and balance are my daily exercises these days and the gym I belong to is building a location about two miles from me, so by the end of this year or beginning of next, I will be more regular again. I weigh about what I did nearly 30 years ago and that was after all sorts of drastic and unhealthy behaviors. Now, I tend to eat what I want and just try to live life as best I can. Taking photos is something I started because of the gym but after reading the whole 'have a life' thing, I kept it up. Vain? Yep -- once NG and I connected on social media, I started posting photos of my goings-on more frequently. He sometimes comments or gives a thumbs up, but more often than not, he'll say something when we see each other. I hate taking my own photos but it's nice to get his attention from time to time; I have more chance of getting a 'like' on a photo than I do of getting a face to face compliment about an outfit ;D

Funny -- I have avoided the camera most of my life. I did a boot camp at a local gym a few months after LH died and they insist on taking photos. Part of the deal was that we would post on social media so I was thrust into the spotlight lol! I take photos now but of me or my dogs doing what we do. Out of all the time I've known NG, he's taken maybe two photos of himself -- one with his granddaughter (and it might have been from before we met) and one of him and his buddy (that one I know is recent). The others are ones from some time ago, which also has made me hesitate. I did one time mention we should jump in the photo booth that was outside this movie theatre we went to but when we came out it was being used and neither of us wanted to wait around for it. If no opportunities pop up at the holidays naturally, I will most likely ask if we can take one so I can show my mom

It's so funny, trying: I have never been a fast mover. In my heart, I know we are a 'thing'. I've never been hung up on labels and I think the difference is that I lived with my previous two husbands for a good while before we got married. We also saw each other every day, so things kindled more quickly. Like I said, it's not that my cousin just found this relationship -- her and her NG probably have known each other for 15-20 years or so; her LH and her were friends for about the same amount of time before settling into a relationship. NG's texts to say he wishes I was there or that he really wants to see me say a lot because a few months ago I wouldn't have expected to see anything like that, so I know things are progressing. I have been thinking of maybe aiming for a photo op during the holidays, especially since my plan is to go see my mum -- I can throw it in as an excuse: she hears me talk about him and she wants to see him so let's take a photo together so she knows I haven't made him up ;D

Hope everyone had a safe Halloween! I just got back from raiding the sale rack at the market for a bag of marked down candy corn and some butter cookies shaped like ghosts, bats, and pumpkins So I had a jealousy moment and had to put myself in check. LH's cousin is like a sister to me; she has been widowed multiple times as well and we are about the same age. We talk often and she recently told me about a friend of hers who had expressed interest in becoming more. She's known him for a while and as she talked, I figured it was becoming more than friendship for her too. Sure enough, a few days after our conversation, she texted me to say that he was going to a family function with her and then later that night, she texted me photos of the two of them, saying they were officially a couple. I am very happy for her since I worried a lot about her after her daughter moved out (the daughter and her husband and their baby lived at my cousin's place for a while but then moved out) because she works a crazy shift and I was always concerned about her coming in at late hours by herself. Then in a conversation with my mom (not the first one), she again asked me to send her a photo of me and NG. We haven't taken any photos together and I still feel weird suggesting it. That request, combined with my cousin's news, flared up the jealous thing. The reality of the matter is my cousin has known this man for years and he has expressed his desire to be closer to her for several of those years. He's already said his plan is to marry her. But all that has developed over an extended period. I completely understand it. But it doesn't make the want to be closer to my NG any less ... I got over it, but ugh. Okay, confession over.

Happy early birthday! Enjoy!

Amazing the double standard, isn't it? LH's ex got pregnant by another man while they were separated early on but when he and I started seeing each other, she tried all sorts of things to get between us. Nightmare.

Hey there, Trying. I would say it depends on how 50/50 influences schooling (transport, activities, districting and so on) and extracurriculars. My LH only lived 12 miles from his ex so was able to have his daughter quite a bit. She often took the public bus from her school to come and spend the night with him and he would get her back on public transit to get back in time for school in the morning. This was before he had a car of course; where we lived, everything was within walking distance and a car was often more of a hassle than a convenience. As she got older, she was not able to come to his house as much because of cheerleading an other things she was involved in. She also went to a magnet school so she had special bussing from home to this other district. It got complicated.

Amazing, isn't it twin? On the occasions I hear via phone from stepdaughter and her mom is in the background, she will often 'remind' me that she loves me. :