arneal

So sorry, Needy. My LH's ex would do things that remind me of that. Yes, directing him to his attorney is all you can do, other than being supportive for him and the children (yours and his). Reminding him to share with the attorney the bit about his son's special needs as well as the whole puberty bit. My son who is on the spectrum is 22 and I still have to remember how he is affected by chemical/physical changes.

Yay, trying2! So glad to hear! What did you do while he got the massage? The first time I took NG to a massage therapist I know, I just sat in the waiting room, read magazines, and checked my email

Thanks, Captains wife: archery has become a great outlet for sure. So sorry about your Halloween I think I've figured out part of the deal with NG -- he iis such a home body. I sent a text to ask him how he was doing and if he wanted to meet up and he told me he he wanted very much to see me but was fighting a cold. I took him some soup, some Halloween candy (a bag of miniature bars), and my shaker to mix him a good tonic to knock out the cold. We watched some tv, talked, and snuggled. A good evening. I texted when I got home and he thanked me for taking care of him I won't be a pest but get it that I will have to be the one to nudge a bit. He mentioned he's got quite a bit of overtime coming but it sounds like we are going to do Thanksgiving. I will probably ask next week what the specific plan is; he was irritated that his daughter hadn't been cleaning the kitchen, so we'll see if my kitchen is on again this year like it was last year. I've already got a plan to be away between Christmas and New Year's to go and see my mom, so there's that. I mentioned it on Saturday but didn't get too deep. Time ...

Right with you, tybec -- sometimes it is those who talk from their place of belief that cause more pain or anguish than so-called non-believers. Sigh.

Thanks for the update Kaycee. Rooting for you!

You aren't alone, Sugarbell. Which is what makes this space so wonderful. We can share the dark side and have others who understand all too well LOL!

tybec -- so sorry you having to go through this with your mum. With anyone ... Glad that LH is there but doesn't seem overbearing. I imagine he might not be sure what to do if his loss experiences are minimal but he is there. If possible, let him help more if you are up to it. Being alone through this process or trying to invite in folks you aren't sure you want to invite in, like your new church family, is hard ... {{{hugs}}} and know we are here too.

Hey everyone and happy almost-weekend! I popped in to confess that I borrowed trying2breathe's idea ;D That's the sincerest form of flattery, right? So I loved the idea of gifting a massage, especially a couple's massage, but after reading trying2's post about giving her NG a massage just for him for part of his birthday, I reconsidered. My NG commented today that he got some accolades at work and has been doing very well. We had this thing going last year about who would get the best gifts and prizes from the other (and he definitely won with the indigenous jewelry he got for me during his work trip and the other pieces he got me for Christmas), so I texted him and said in celebration of all the good stuff, maybe he'd let me get him a pro massage sometime next month (usually his massages come from me and I do all right but I'm no pro). As much as I'd like to do the couple's thing, I have to agree trying2 -- giving something just for him will mean so much more. And give me an excuse to go get my own massage :D I am already scheduled for my next archery lesson on Saturday. Even though I can't yet afford to get my own equipment, I am going to ask prices when I get there. Hoping by mid-November to do so! Make it a good one, everybody!

That sounds fabulous and so sweet of you to just think of him like that. Funny -- I was thinking of doing the couples massage thing just because, but there is something good about giving, isn't there? Have a fantastic time!

^ what jgib said! You set the tone, you've already shared you've had some bad experiences. Leave it at that. Don't go too deep if you aren't sure of his intention; sometimes folks who seem okay turn out to be the ones preying on us when we are vulnerable, as you have already experienced. I had a dreadful experience (at least to me -- nothing bad actually happened but I felt I opened myself up too much to someone I didn't know) the first time I tried online dating. I then made sure to protect myself. I asked a lot of questions but didn't give too much away about myself. When I decided to meet for the first time, I made sure 1) two of my closest friends at least knew where I was going, 2) they were asked to call me if I texted them to say I needed to get out of there -- the plan was I'd go to the restroom and text them, they would call me once I got back to the table, and I would say I needed to go to take care of a situation with work, 3) I got there early to scope out the scene -- if he didn't look right, I didn't hang around. My online profile was very up front -- I have guard dogs, I am very self-sufficient, I was not looking for casual flings but friendship leading to something meaningful. If approached by someone who seemed after just sex, I set the scene right away. This is a bit different for you because you know this person. However, if you feel the need to protect yourself, do so. It's your journey and no one can or should rush you. All the best and hope it is wonderful should you all get together!

Yes -- the text thing is crazy-making. Often if you don't ask any questions in your message, people feel no need to respond. He might have a weird schedule as well, making responses difficult. Never know until you have a chance to meet him if you so desire.

Sugarbell :-\ I could not bring myself to hit 'like' for that because, ew. She is horrid. Trying to get a rise is putting it mildly. My Jersey Girl would have poured out all over her for that. How dare she compare herself to your situation. No one would mind her being around for a long time if she wasn't off her bead. Ugh. Keep the strength, friend! You are obviously a great influence on the children who are stuck in the middle of all this.

I had archery on my list of things I wanted to do this year. I'd loved it in high school but never got back with it as an adult so here I am! I heard from a neighbor about someone local looking to get rid of their equipment but haven't gotten a reply from her. I really got my hopes up on that one but I guess it's the Creator's way of telling me to get my own and not settle for leftovers Yes, communication is so weird and difficult. I am glad to hear that you and your NG had a good weekend of it. I have been working on my scenarios as I am thinking it will soon be time to have a deeper conversation with NG. I would love to get back east to see my mom and was thinking of asking him if he wanted to come. He has a sister back there but of late they have been distant. We'll see. It must be the season for better communication and connection; my cousin and her NG (not exactly new -- they have known each other for some time and he expressed interest in pursuing more than friendship long ago) just 'announced' that they are a couple. It's funny because when NG and I met, we both had on our profiles that we were looking for either friendship or long term relationship. We had a brief discussion of it back then but since, we haven't talked about it. We've just lived in the moment. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but there are times, like now, that I am feeling like more needs to be said. I am planning to not be the one to ask for time this weekend. I will prayerfully go back to archery and see where the day goes. I might send a 'whatcha doing?' text if I don't hear anything. He's a better hermit than I am! Don't even get me started on spouses that don't work and all that. LH had one of those who felt she should be taken care of and just stay home to raise kids like her mom did (different generation, different lifestyle, different economy). She works now because they broke up and their daughter is too old to receive any sort of support anymore. She'd had him locked up when he was unable to work back in like 1999, which was when his heart condition started. Just wrong. I work for three different universities so I know what you mean! NG met my son who is on the spectrum and I've met his daughter and her boyfriend. I am wondering if we'll do Thanksgiving together; he already said what they are cooking and I've decided what I'd like to make so on that one, I am going to ask if I can join in. No assumptions, you know. Deep breaths ... hoping for good updates for us all!

Hoping it is a wonderful time away for you both!

Happy Monday everyone. How was the weekend? tybec, your update on the limited time thread made me think about my weekend. I finally took my archery lesson on Saturday -- loved it and plan to take it up as a hobby. I do enough in the house and want to get out a bit There was a woman there (Lord help me, I can't remember her name!) who seemed anxious to have another adult woman to take lessons with; I hope to get back next Saturday, even thought I can't go the following Saturday as I've promised a neighbor-friend I would help her at a local event (she has a photo booth business and her daughter, who usually helps, raises companion dogs and it's time for check-ups so she can't go). I met another friend yesterday morning at service and after I came home just played around with the dogs and relaxed for a change. Earlier in the week, NG had sent a text; he had been in a mood and wanted to apologize for being distant. I replied with a bit of encouragement and told him he knew where to find me. He surprised me with a bit of public banter with me, him, and one of my friends on social media, but beyond that, no communication through the rest of the week. I didn't reach out this weekend until last night to send a heart and wishes for a good week. This morning I see he sent a text when he got up to day he wishes I'd been able to come over (he can't come my way -- needs motorcycle tires, which for a Harley, ain't cheap!) and hopes I have a good week as well. I replied that I had been at home, writing and chilling out, figuring he had wanted some time to himself so I didn't hit him up. Said for him to let me know what the weekend ahead looks like. My plan is to just press on and see what happens. I don't want to play games because I love being with him but I don't want to always be reaching. :-[ Okay, short rant over. Back to work (and nursing the bruise on my arm from where I snapped it with the bow string -- ow! Lesson learned )

trying -- was the celebration this past weekend or is it the one coming?

Good for you, tybec!

Good for you, Needy! It is interesting how we grow and change. Over time, we come to learn more about ourselves and make changes about how we allow people into our inner circle. We figure out what we will and will not accept. This has become more apparent, maybe because it is Diwali and along with my Hindi and Nepali friends am more conscious of renewal and positivity this week. Or maybe I am just learning more about how to heal my own soul spaces. Either way, it is comforting to know that many of us are on the same journey ...

^^^ Totally what Bunny said!

Oh, yeah -- forgot about clothes. T-shirts, if your NG is a casual dresser, are usually welcomed.

Oh, trying2, your post made me smile as I am already ramping up for Christmas! Does NG have hobbies? You might consider a small token related to one of those. You might make him a coupon book ... if you all are really early on, include things like 'One ticket to watching your favorite sport on television,' or 'One ticket for cooking your favorite meal' -- ordinary but touching things that make spending time together fun. If you are a bit further along, include maybe back massage or something more :-* I did that last Christmas and it went over pretty well.

Yes, the key there is 'new', needy. Plus, sharing I would say is a two-way street. If he is open to sharing ugly bits with you, hopefully he can stand to hear and be accepting of your ugly bits as well. NG was very open early on, even before we were intimate he shared deep things that I don't think I would have been willing to share early on. I then felt comfortable with sharing my own. Not graphically, but with enough detail to outline the difficulties and hurts.

Oh, Sugarbell. So sorry. But good for you for setting your priorities. If he can't separate from mum, it's on him. As an adult, he has to choose and you can't do it for him. Live your life. If you choose to wait for him as your intimate partner, cool. However, don't you dare sit home! Go bowling, take yourself out to dinner, go to one of those Groupon wine and painting things, something. Perhaps he'll realize that not everyone sits and waits like he is doing and hopefully it will open his eyes. You go, trying2! I don't always put my phone away when I am with NG but only take calls or texts when important, like from my house sitter. I did once take one from a friend as I thought something was wrong; she'd been having a rough time with her husband and I wanted to make sure I didn't need to round up the posse LOL. Other than that, we just use our phones to show one another stuff online or look for better directions somewhere. Every now and again he'll have to check for a work related message but even that's diminished with the new gig. He works extra hours right now with the drive to some of the locations so over the past two weekends we had one total miss (he was going to get back to me about going out on Sunday but never got back) and one hit (I messaged to ask if he wanted to go see the new Blade Runner this past weekend and he said yes; mind you, I texted on Friday evening and didn't hear back until about 8:30 pm because he was just getting in after leaving his place at about 4 am. I already had lunch plans for late afternoon on Sunday and by the time I got to him around 5 pm, he said he'd fallen asleep. But we went and had a good time, even though by the time we got back to his house he was wiped out and I just came on home). This coming Saturday, I'm going for an archery lesson. I am writing again as well. Keep yourself active, friends -- while we can't help loving who we love, we must love ourselves and live as well. There's too much beauty and fun in the world!

trying -- this ramp up is because of the wedding. He is moving forward, you all are happy. You have what she did not, or what maybe she had and eventually no longer had. Not your issue, but she is making it so. More importantly, she is not realizing that the rest of the world (the children's school) can see that she is off her rocker on this one. Having had something of a similar experience with LH's ex, my recommendation to him would be to ask for a meeting with the teachers. Go to the school, talk to them. If he has partial custody, he should be able to talk to the teachers and maybe even see his children while they are at school. Will it freak her out? Probably. But if he has an opportunity to talk to the people who have 'control' over his childrens' lives for the majority of their every waking hour, he might be able to gain some support from them (the teachers, administrators). If getting to the teachers is too forward, maybe he can talk to their school counselors. While those folks are primarily about class schedules, they are the go-to when students have issues, including emotional ones like his son and the veteran's thing. {{{hugs}}} Stay strong, sis.

Blending households in the best of circumstances is weird. When there is an over the top ex? Oh my. I remember when LH put a ring on my finger; it was a few days after his divorce was final (mind you, he and the ex had been legally separated for oh, 10+ years? And we had lived together for about four). His daughter told her mom and she called LH and said something like, you just couldn't wait, could you? He was like, no LOL! Par for the course I suppose.