arneal

tybec {{{hugs}}} Is NG okay with all this? I mean, I get the part about spending time with his kids, but if you are part of his life -- I mean really part -- you should be included in some of that time. They need to see that you are important in his life as well.

Needytoo I would say it is generational. LHs daughter's grandmom on het mom's side is in her 70s. Never worked, never paid a bill. Her husband died and she has relied on her kids and grandkids. She recently went to hospital needing a pacemaker. I am not saying it's connected but she was super stressed at not having someone to take care of her. I think when we get that age we won't be like that. Conversely my mom who is also in her 70s but worked all her life is not like that either

Hoping everyone is having a good weekend. I am packing for a business trip, which makes for an interesting day as BF gets used to my dogs for true. They adore him, almost too much, so it's hard for him to move about the house with them. However, this is life here and they will be looking to him for the next six days. Fortunately my house sitter will be here in the daytime to take care of them. I know they are going to tackle him every night when he comes in the house lol. I'll get the texts and stories when I get home. Oh, well ... they are like extra children to me so they live in here too

Oh I hope you get to go away! I get it for sure. I certainly missed my guy when we couldn't see each other on a usual day

Virgo -- seeing him might help but it's important to get to a point where you don't need to get that sort of 'validation' (for lack of a better word). You can't change what happened any more than you can change his reaction to it. It's hard to do but necessary for our own well-being.

Oh, boy ... those three words lol! They didn't get said out loud until earlier this year. We don't say it much but the sentiment is there in actions and emotional connection. It happened the first time when I said to him that I was sending lots of love his way due to a situation and he replied with 'I love you too'. I think we've only said it once or twice since.

Hey tybec -- there are times when we have to vent and I agree that the folks 'out there' in rl often don't have a clue. Glad to be part of your circle here

Oh, {{{hugs}}} Needy. It sounds like NG needs a talking-to. That, or (Lord help me) the angry side of me says to react similarly when he has a serious issue ... even if you are physically there, be distant. See how he likes it. That's horrid, isn't it? Confession: I watch the cartoon 'Gumball' ... there was an episode once where the kids and the dad were playing tricks on each other and when the kids got the dad, he said 'It's only funny when it happens to someone else!' I think of that often in the context of how people react. They don't realize how they affect others, seeming to be shocked when those around them say that they are hurt or upset. When it happens to them, sometimes letting them feel it and then talking it out works. However, when it doesn't, we are vindictive ... it's a hard call.

It seems we all have different ideas of what 'this' should look like. I am now a few weeks into having BF under the same roof; adjusting schedules certainly takes getting used to. I will be traveling for work for five days; I leave in just over a week and told him he's got to get some time in with my dogs because they will be looking to him when I am not here. Should be interesting. He had to go to court today behind the shenanigans with his daughter and it didn't go well. He didn't go to work and came home. Fortunately I have plenty to keep me busy with work but it's odd to have someone else here while I have work-related phone conversations. It's all about finding balance, which isn't easy when you have gotten into a regular flow of how you want the house to run

Hey all -- needytoo, I have a two bedroom house and after LH died I thought I wanted to have someone here right away. It became very easy to not have any other two-legged individuals in here My cousin has a five bedroom house and after being widowed and having her adult daughter (who was there with her husband and baby daughter) move out is quite content. You never know.

That does make a difference, Virgo, when you have not had your heart held by more than one person ...

Thank you for this, TWW. You gave me a bit of insight about a neighbor-friend of mine. She and her adult daughter are more like sisters (she had her daughter at a young age so now it's like they've caught up with each other or something. Not super-early but there's about 19-20 years difference). They spend all their time together nearly; the daughter expresses an opinion about the mom's choice of date and the mom stops dating. I never got it but your comment above helps. Yes, partner first and needs of child first as well. Interesting you mention this as I have struggled about what to tell my adult child (and LH's daughter) about my current relationship. It's boiled down to me saying nothing since I am the 'parent' and don't owe them an explanation about what I am doing. However, I often think I want to say something to LH's daughter because of her temperament. I have this recurring thought of seeing her show up at my door, expecting to stay here and having to introduce her to BF in that tense moment. I am not convinced she wouldn't!

Virgo -- so sorry to hear you are thinking of ending things. You know, it is interesting how we think so differently about what 'a lot of time together' means. For some, spending a lot of time means some portion of every weekend. For others, it's every day. It is good to know what works for us and to figure out how to translate that to our signif's ... not easy always.

Hi all -- it has been a while for sure since I popped in. Lots going on here but Needytoo -- I've read to catch up on what's happened and must say I would agree with so many others here that being together doesn't mean living together. I may have mentioned my mom before; she and her BF own their own homes that are about a half-hour from one another. She has a key to his, he has a key to hers. They come and go as they please for the most part (except he has a house alarm and Mom doesn't want a code for it so she only goes over if he is there). If they get annoyed at one another, they go to their own house ;D However, they are each other's first emergency contact, they have access to one another's personal information, and so on. They are a committed couple for sure. Been that way for a while (both are in their 70s and set in ways). You might let the conversation rest for a bit because a son caring for his mom is a serious emotional place; my uncle did it for my grandmom until he and his wife couldn't care for her anymore as her needs got greater. My granddad told him to take care of his mom and my uncle did so, almost to his own health detriment. It's hard to convince folks not to go to the extreme of letting go of their own lives, but it happens and there's nothing we on the outside can do except continue to be supportive and not let our loved one's choices stop us from living. {{{hugs}}}

Hi all -- it's felt like forever since I checked in on you all! Thanks to those of you who pm'ed and otherwise have been sending prayers and good vibes. This will probably be a long check-in so you might want to get a comfy blanket lol! So we finished moving all of BF's stuff to my house on President's Day. It was hard because his daughter is still not speaking and has cut off all ties. I had cleaned out my garage but now it's all full again, which makes me laugh every time I go out there. My LH is probably belly-laughing as well; I was so proud of my Operation Find the Garage after he died and then got a full head of steam after BF and I talked about him moving here. Little did I know it would be all full up again in less than a week after I got it empty and organized It is interesting to share space with someone again. It's been so stressful as moving always is, so he hasn't spent much time with my dogs. I struggle with that one because they and I are a pack; they spend all the time, roaming the house at will (except certain spaces) and now they spend a good bit of time in one room when he gets in from work. It's a matter of us both having the time and energy to play with them. They adore him but almost too much. It will happen though so no worries. To your points about POA and so on. We haven't had those conversations but -- and here's the other new happening since I was here with you all -- my job became full time so I will have benefits again (it's been five years since employer-provided healthcare) and I after thinking all this time I'd removed LH from my emergency contacts, I went in today to see that I had not. Anyway, knowing that today was the first day full time, I asked BF last night about putting him down as my emergency contact. He agreed immediately, told me he had put me down as his already, and figured it was a given. I felt sort of bad that I hadn't made that leap like he did but hey, who knows how these things work I could see having him as my POA with a stipulation that my son gets a piece of the pie should anything happen to me. As this is my property and BF doesn't own any property, I can envision him thinking it's either no big deal or being agreeable. However, I am honestly not ready to have that deep of a conversation yet since all these changes are so new. Bunny -- I wonder if BF read that article. He's big on hugs. He'll do a one-minute hug at various times of day. Likes to touch randomly, like will come up when I am washing dishes. The most interesting moment was during a video conference call I was on with a student; BF came in from work and even though he saw I was on the call, he came over, kissed me on the corner of my mouth (instead of a full on kiss since I was talking) and wandered off. I didn't say anything to my student but we just kept on with our meeting. I was talking with my mom about a week ago; she's invited us both to come visit during the summer. I have work commitments anyway and haven't brought it up to BF yet. I am glad my mom is open. However, I am struggling about how to approach any potential conversations with people who 1) don't know I've been dating for nearly two years and 2) certainly don't know the person I've been dating has moved into my house! Hoping you all are doing well. Now that things are settling, I should be back to more regular check-ins on everyone!

Absolutely, klim! As the old adage goes, be careful what you ask for LOL! I wanted us to grow closer this year; little did I know we'd be this close already, in the same quarters. Next is getting him to spend time with my dogs. They like him but are so used to just having me in the house. At 60 and 80 lb respectively, they are a bit much for a person to come home to because my boy (the 80 lb one) adores him and would be quite satisfied to jump in his lap. BF wants to spend time outside with them, throwing a ball, playing, as a starter. I get that. I feel bad that they've spent much of the last few days cooped up or I've had to close the family room door so they stay out. Not what they are used to. But all things take time. We did say we'd go to the movies, probably this coming weekend, so that will be more for my birthday and Valentine's Day. I am grateful. Interestingly though, I haven't said much to anyone about him moving in. My mom knows, as does my dear friend down the block, a sister-friend who knows BF through me, and one other. I haven't told my other family members or others who are close to me. I haven't heard from LHs daughter or any of her family members -- I suspect she and they have unfollowed or unfriended me on social media, which is okay. I've just been thinking about how interesting it will be should she just show up in California like she did eight years ago. Won't she be surprised ... not only because he's here but very soon I will be changing door locks. There are five exterior doors on this house (not including the big roll up garage door) and four keys; with top and bottom locks, we're talking eight locks on those five doors. So tired of that!

That's what I was thinking, Needytoo. Go with him. Suggest dinner afterward, maybe a place with soft music and low lighting

Oh, the cost of commercial holidays : let's not even go there! BF and I went on an overnight excursion last year to a beach town I'd never been to. He wanted me to see it and I long for the ocean every day, so it was a great idea. I got the hotel room and he paid for everything else -- parking, food. We went to this Italian restaurant and laughed about needing a second mortgage to pay for the meal. He didn't blink (much! lol!) and paid it. I was driving my broken sedan at the time and wouldn't you know it, it decided not to start. We worked at it and fussed about it for nearly a half-hour. Fortunately, the parking attendant didn't charge us extra and if I remember correctly, I finally got it running. I was so upset, shaken, and embarrassed. However, no more of that, thankfully. He is still moving in but spent his first full night here on Sunday. It was interesting on Monday morning, getting up with him, starting the coffee, grabbing things for his lunch bag, telling him what I had planned for dinner. He had an issue with his tooth as I mentioned and when he texted me to say that the cap fallen off, he wrote 'I am coming home', which was heartwarming to me. I don't expect to do much tomorrow but will give him the card I got

Thanks trying2; I went to a grief group after the first husband died. It was a nightmare because I was one of the youngest ones there but many of the others around the table had dealt with loved ones in hospice. They spoke of happy marriages and relationships; me, not so much. I only went once I think. I am not the mushy type but I do have a card for BF that he doesn't know about for Valentine's Day. My family (Mom, Dad -- I am an only) was always one to make holidays fun by getting really awful cards for each other. You know the ones that rhyme and have the giant flowers on the front? The uglier the better. It was a hoot. I got BF a funny card to get him into how I do these sorts of things The birthday has been quiet. I went out to the store and did a bit of food shopping, managed to avoid work until now and am not planning on doing too much if I can help it! BF came home early (had a cap fall off his tooth) and is watching the Olympics (or maybe they are watching him ... he was very tired as we did quite a bit of moving yesterday). He is giving me some things for the game we play, which is cute. Also, when we were moving things out of his room at the apartment yesterday, he gave me a silver ring he'd found many years ago. He said it didn't fit him but how about it fit perfectly on my ring finger? Crazy!

I totally get that, tybec. I was widowed the first time at 30. Certainly didn't fit in anywhere. Second time in my mid-40s. The 'black widow' jokes? Yep, got them. Ugh. Yeah, BF and I talked last night. He is going to load up his truck and come this way then give me some $. I told him I feel silly and he had already texted that I had no reason to. He asked me why and I said I always have gas money at least! We talked about banking and the inherent issues and that was it. He isn't stressed about getting it done so I won't be either. I slept in, am still in my robe, and am going to have a leisurely morning. I have a friend who does dipped berries. I have some in the fridge so there's a small Valentines thing. I said I wanted to see Black Panther this coming week and BF said absolutely and that going to the dine-in theatre would be part of my birthday. It will be good. Happy weekend everyone!

I get it, tybec. My birthday is Monday; I talk about celebrating my special day all month but some friends mention its proximity to Valentine's Day. I don't connect it with Valentine's Day as I've never had a truly romantic bone in my body LOL. I have only mentioned my birthday to BF and that I'd like to go to the dine-in movie theatre to see Black Panther this week to celebrate. He was all-in and said yeah, that would be part of my birthday gift. I have grown to like surprises over the years so I am curious what the other part will be! I find myself in the position of being in need though. Here I am, supposed to be helping him move and due to a banking snafu I can't get any money. Not even to put gas in my car. What a position to be in a couple days before my birthday, right? I was supposed to ride over tonight, help pack and probably stay to help load up and bring items here tomorrow, and the farthest I need to go is down the block to the gas station. I tried transferring from my back-up accounts and that process takes like two business days, meaning I probably won't see my own money until Tuesday. Ugh. So I swallowed my pride and texted him to ask if he would transfer me some money for gas. He didn't have his personal mobile phone with him but said he would certainly do so when he got home; I apologized for needing to ask and he came back immediately that no apology was needed. However, so not me. I typically do without if I can't do on my own. Oh, well. To new things all round. Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!

That is great, Virgo! Hoping that time together helps draw you closer

Captains Wife -- ugh, the dating heartbreaks! Those, on top of sudden losses of our LHs, makes for strong aloofness, I would say. At least it did for me. Our 'Spidey Senses' are strong. Once you feel like this one is the right one, and it may take several years or a day, you'll know.

{{{Hugs}}} jgib!

Thank you! It wasn't a decision made under the most pleasant circumstances after the disagreement BF had with his daughter, but I am one of those people who doesn't get ruffled easily anymore by the issues in other people's families. That may sound cold but I do try my best to comfort when he seems to need it and otherwise listen or try to provide a response when he seems to want one. He seems settled with the decision as well so here we go. It is interesting that over the last couple of weeks since it happened, he shares so much with me, to the point of reading to me the text messages he's sent to his sister about it and such. Strange the things that cause us to open up. To what trying2 said as well about opening up and sharing -- there are things, such as the bills I am taking care of that have sunk my credit over the past four years (when I stopped full time work outside the house to get my son situated in semi-independent living and to care for my LH after that), that I have not talked to him about. I do not expect him to give me money for bills that have nothing to do with him so I feel no 'requirement' to discuss them. We talked about how much he would contribute to the house bills and that's conversation enough. His contribution to the overall running of the house will enable me to use more of my regular income to get caught up and that of course is a blessing.