arneal

Yes, oh yes to magic! But how you define it is the thing. If your guy isn't a magic sort and is more concrete, meat and taters, well, what do you do? Can you live with that? If not, there's your answer. Going out there and making sure 'magic' is somehow part of your criteria will be mandatory. Defining it once you meet that guy who you thing will make the grade is certainly mandatory. It all boils down to, at any age or point in life, what is magic? Does the definition or parameter change over time? Is it like amusement rides -- when I was younger I thought roller coasters were great, to a certain extent. The first husband made me get on this ride once and I thought I would die; I haven't really been on any such thrill rides since. While I think roller coasters and the like are neat, I think such from a distance. Does the way we see magic the same, in that it changes due to experience or age or time? I think I shared this, either on this thread or somewhere else, but I gave my NG coupons as one of his Christmas gifts; I included some that were a bit closer to NR than G in the rating scheme It's been almost nine months since I gave him those and he still hasn't dipped into more than a few of them. When he read the one about engaging in a fantasy, he replied that his were pretty tame but never elaborated. In truth so are mine, but I wanted to share that intimacy. I think when it comes to such things, he is more meat and taters. And that's okay with me. I've never been one for fireworks, so if we never do anything wild and crazy in that department but continue to grow more comfortable with each other as time goes by, I'm good. Maybe that's what klim meant by someone needing to change, which is in my book, part of growth. Now if it's a matter of compromise where one person cuts him or herself off from how they truly feel to stay with someone else, that is problematic.

klim -- interesting points you make here. I guess I don't understand the 'connecting on all levels' or 'a match that is more natural' part of your post. I am quite literal in many ways so do forgive me: I don't see how people could possibly 'connect on all levels' because we are all different, with different ways of seeing the world. There will always be some level of incompatibility as even identical twins are not fully compatible ... such incompatibility could range from not agreeing on which way to hang the toilet paper roll, anger over the seat up or down, leaving dishes in the drainer or drying and putting away all the way to sexual wants/fantasies/willingness to try things to differences in final wishes. If the two of you were drawn to each other, isn't that something of a 'natural' match? It seems if NG is into you, that talking about the things you like and don't like should be easier to discuss? However, getting a sense of the deal-breakers in my view comes pretty early, before intimacy. I guess on some of those things, I am very clear on what I am looking for. I remember one time before we were ever intimate, I told NG how I had regretted in some ways that I had not had a child when I was with my second husband. He said he didn't want more children and I clarified that I didn't either but that it was something that I had thought about when I was younger. That said, I struggle with getting across that I would like our relationship to deepen because I feel, when I step back and look at the whole thing logically, I am rushing. I have taken small, bold steps though. Like when NG was here last Sunday -- as he was leaving, I told him I need cuddle time (we were at my curb and he had his bike running so I was talking loud to be heard, so saying I wanted ... you know ... would not have come across very well), which is something I would never say LOL. He said him too and that I probably could have stayed the night before (I try not to push that when his daughter is home though) but that we would have a stay the night soon. We have been more communicative than before, so I know things are moving. I guess where you (klim and trying2) are looking to cool things down a bit maybe, I'm looking to turn the burner up No, this isn't easy, any way you look at it. Let us keep pressing forward though to get what we need, want, and deserve!

trying2: what got me in your post is that you are sad thinking about celebrating your birthdays ... It seems like there is certainly something going on in your heart that needs sussing out. As far as romance is concerned, I would think that depends on how you define it. You mentioned that the two of you stayed at a 'romantic bed & breakfast' yet there seems no spark. What is 'romantic' for you? What is romantic for NG? I read somewhere that one way to draw closer to someone is to mirror what they do ... if for example if you like to be held close when you kiss, hold him close. The idea is that eventually, you will find a place of sync and if you do to him what you like done, he will do it back. It's not foolproof but I would say there's something to it if just saying what you want seems not the way to go about it. I often find 'doing' works better than saying ... kind of like show and tell for grown folks ??? But it all boils down to whether you want to share your romantic heart with him and only you can know that. Hugs, darlin!

Thanks for sharing, Needy. I am so excited for you as you meet more of your NG's important people. My two previous husbands and NG did not have their moms anymore by the time we met, which I do regret. Mine is still living and she met the husbands. She is back east but so is NGs sister; I often wonder if we'll do a major trip like that together. If we do and if I get to meet her, that would be a giant thing. I warned NG that my son has no filter and will ask all sorts of things. He was okay with that but I am still nervous as all get-out about them meeting. I realized that I am probably more nervous because my son is a man now and he was just a little boy when he met LH. However, he was wary of LH because he was very protective of Mom. When I told him I was seeing someone, he was genuinely happy because he said he didn't want me to be by myself.

Virgo -- I agree. Mine told me not to sit around, locking myself away from the world should something happen to him.

It's all a process, Drafter. As you read through the boards and see more of our collective and individual histories, you will note that we are all at different places along this path. Some of us got out there and tried to connect sooner than others, some are interested but don't feel ready, others are tired of trying for now and are taking a break. This is a great place for 'sounding off' where other groups (virtual and otherwise) just don't fit

Hey there trying2: congrats on having a freshman! I was so glad to get out of my folks' house at that age. I used to not understand those who got homesick. I worked yesterday from 4 am until 11:30 pm. House stuff, errands, and end of course grading. I hope to finish up some housework after my volunteer today and then take a nap! Yeah, it was sucky timing. You gotta eat your Wheaties before dealing with my son LOL! Yikes - I think all of my Jersey attitude would come out at your NG for shrinking back when things are a bit less sunny. This is real life and with what we have already been through, I know for me having somebody who can handle the truths of life (I hear Jack Nicholson's 'you can't handle the truth!' right there) is very important. Pray that it gets sorted and soon love.

Hi all and welcome to another weekend So this week's junior high update ... I got a message from NG on Tuesday that his doctor put him off work for the rest of the week because of a nerve injury. He's on some heavy duty meds to alleviate the discomfort. I offered to take some dinner round for him and his daughter; I figure she's back in the classroom (she is a teacher's aide if I'm not mistaken and working on her teaching certification) and he had been fussing about a messy house (as she doesn't clean enough of her dirty dishes and so on for his liking). I had some running around to do, spending time with friends who were driving cross-country to their new home and such. I also had to pick up my mobile from the shop because I had it in for repairs. In the process of getting mine back, I had to reset everything. When I got to his place, the contacts had not updated and I couldn't get access to his number. One trip to the leasing office at the complex later and I let him know I was there. We hang out for a while and I head out. Remember: this weekend was the possible meet up with my son. After seeing his condition, I'm figuring he isn't up for it. I give it until yesterday to send a text to ask. No response. I give it until noon-ish today to hit back again with 'Not sure if you are getting my messages after the phone issues the other day but I wanted to check on whether I should consider another weekend for the son meeting'. He texts back in a short while with an apology, mentioned the medications, and said another weekend would be better. I replied that I figured, particularly since he has to get off those meds to get back to work on Monday. Now to see what sort of messages if any come at all this weekend I feel bad about it from all directions -- selfish because I want my son to meet him, compassion because I know what being on painkillers is like. Fortunately, it is due to be a warm and lovely weekend, so I have more than enough to do to keep myself entertained, whether I hear from him or not Hope you all have a great one!

So sorry, tybec. Wow -- three weeks already! Time sure flies. It seems you are doing exactly what you should be doing: your life. Divorce is such a difficult matter. After LH divorced his ex, I noticed how his daughter viewed us. Our relationship was so different than that of her mom and dad; her mom would come to my house (he never wanted the extra drama so the two houses purchased during our time together were bought by me) and try to show off. I would ignore her antics and do me. Eventually she stopped. But even after he died, his daughter seemed to see more of a connection between him and me than him and her mom; I once made a comment early on about having a 'friend' (NG) who could fix my garage door opener but I didn't want him to because it was hot and he'd get all dusty and dirty out there. Her response? He could do it and just clean up because I have two bathrooms but he wasn't allowed to use the one in my bedroom : NG is divorced and it has obviously left scars. His ex didn't seem to care much for his feelings, which has hardened him. I am patient and do my best to let him have his space, but like you say, it is hard. His doctor took him off work this week because of his nerve pain; I took dinner over on Tuesday. Mind you, we had talked about going to see my son this weekend. I texted some info I promised to send him on Wednesday, no answer. I texted him yesterday to ask if I should reschedule the meet up this weekend, no answer. I'm giving it until this afternoon and then I am texting to say that I guess that means yes, postpone. Like you, I have too much to do to sit around, waiting while he works out some of this stuff.

It is interesting that you say that, jgib. I've noticed that there have been so many good relationships here that were separated by death and that has touched me deeply! My first husband was the ruthless one and while I never wished death on him, I suspected it would be him or me one day because of the abuse. A heart attack took him when I was 30 and my son was still 3. My second husband was very loving, but as I was sharing with one of my dear friends yesterday (who is 25 years or so into a relationship though never married but who was widowed the first time and who over the past couple of years cared for both of her parents who have since passed on), when a beloved dies after a long illness, we often don't mourn the same way. She and I went through similarly: I have not had many 'moments' since my second LH died because I mourned for many years about his health and mourned hard for what was our final year together. My NG has had two very difficult deep relationships -- one with his children's mother and the other with his ex-wife. Yes, divorce does bring out such pain that is so different in many ways and similar in others ...

Most welcome, jgib!

Needytoo! So excited for you and your NG. I don't know how long it was before NG told his daughter that he was seeing me; I didn't get to meet her until the Christmas holiday last year, which was a good seven months or so in. I told my son that I was seeing someone but he hasn't met NG yet but that may come this weekend. trying: The first time NG and I were in the same room, it was in my house, so some of the trepidation was taken away. However, I was concerned about taking it to the next level. I still have those moments where I am self-conscious and I am sure he is too. However, that first time was nearly a year ago now ... amazing how time flies ... because it was in early fall if I remember correctly. Now, it isn't even a thing. He and his daughter (who is an adult) share an apartment, so it is a rare thing for me to stay there (so far it's been I think twice times I've stayed at his place overnight) but he has spent several weekends at my house. Over the last couple of weeks we have had mid-week visits as well. He had a day off from work and came here to hang out; he took a nap while I finished a work meeting and then went home. I went there yesterday and we ate and watched movies, after which I went home. It's the development of a comfort level. I think some of your sent vibes got through, which I appreciate! Keep sending them as I expect to need them to get this meeting with my son to go well. My son has no filter so I am concerned about what may fall out of his mouth in conversation that will send me scurrying away in embarrassment. Also, NG is off from work for the rest of this week due to nerve pain; I am wondering if he will not want to make the ride. Will wait until probably early tomorrow to text him to ask as I need to make the arrangements with my son's caregiver about where we'll meet. More updates and hopefully good ones by the end of the weekend! jgib -- it will come! Keep the faith and know we are rooting for you! Best to all of us on this rollercoaster!

I had to smile about your 'posture' comment, Christopher. I don't come from affectionate people; the first husband was abusive, the second was very loving (widowed from both), and NG has become more affectionate over time. I have had to learn how to show it. I am a work in progress in this area for sure!

jgib -- it seems the way of dating, particularly online, has changed quite a bit. The Young, Widowed, and Dating site is offering a dating webinar this weekend (I get their emails as I needed to learn about dating after being widowed the second time. I had no clue about dating before this and with the advent of online dating and all that, I knew I needed help!) for those who might be interested: http://youngwidowedanddating.com/events/ I did make the suggestion of getting together first by saying something like 'We should meet up for coffee or lunch or something!'; my NG gave me his #, I gave him mine. He called me. It's all about how interested you are as you said, jgib. I was VERY interested in him from what I saw in his profile and the fact that we had good written communication, so I was willing to step out of what little comfort zone I had

Momto -- I want to laugh, I want to cry. Yes -- let's write a book! I write fiction and blog regularly, so I am in! Even just the descriptions would be enough to make it a best seller. I see a screenplay as well

Good for you, tybec!

Take your time, friends. And while you do, feel free to take out a few of your NGs ready to recouple stem cells and inject them into my NG? LOL! I am joking. He is committed to the process and even though we haven't labeled anything, we are going at a good and steady pace. Heck, if he suddenly got all "I wanna move in together" I'd probably get freaked out!!! I wouldn't mind, but we haven't been around each other long enough to seriously consider what such a thing would mean as far as use of space, sharing of time, and so on. Yikes!

That makes sense, klim -- you need 'you' time while your NG doesn't. If you are not ready for someone who is more clingy than you, it's time for a deeper conversation ... just a thought.

I guess it's the depth of companionship in my mind, trying2; exclusive and spending some time together on a regular basis like for a day on the weekend is a serious form of companionship while having conversations about where things are going, talking about some sort of future together is heading more toward longer term commitment. The second definitely takes varying amounts of time and of course depends on what it is both people want as well as how soon they have the conversation. I think of my mom: she is very clear that she has a 'companion' -- they spend as much or as little time together that they want, he has his house and she has hers, and there is no desire to cohabit or marry.

Thanks for that, tybec and trying2 ... had not considered that aspect, even in my own life. My dad and I were not on speaking terms and one day he left for work and was killed in a car accident as well. I got the call at work. They wouldn't let me drive home because I was pregnant and I had to call the first husband, who refused to come because I wouldn't tell him what was wrong (as if your pregnant wife having your dispatcher call you off your bus route because of an emergency wasn't enough information to make you come). I had to blurt out on the phone that my dad was dead and he needed to come get me because I wasn't allowed to drive. It was horrid. Yeah, never thought about that aspect of why some sort of contact might be a bit more important to me ...

Thanks for quoting Mike on that, marriedwithkids. The part that jumped out at me reading it again was this: I appreciated that because I've come to realize in my own journey that I desire more of some kinds of communication while as Mike pointed out, NG might not need or want that 'level of tagging up' ... Good reminder that regardless of gender, we are all quite different in so many ways.

Thanks for that, Mike. I think sometimes we want to stir the pot, not in a malicious or harmful way, but because we all still have a bit of neanderthal in us in a way ... when we don't know how to react in a situation, nothing beats the old grunt and growl method ;D Seriously though, trying2, it sounds like your guy is just in a relatively good place in life. I try to make that a goal as well, to not have much stress if possible. Is there a reason why you haven't introduced him to your children -- is it because you don't want commitment, or don't want it with him? No need to answer as I offer the questions as food for thought. There is a big difference between a desire for commitment and a desire for companionship and knowing where you are and where he is on the continuum will be important for both of you. My weekend went well, thankfully. I love how the Universe often conspires in our favor. So I did respond (obviously) to the dinner request; I told NG I'd planned to make a certain dish that I hadn't tried before and suggested we could go with that or we could go out. He wrote back that he was intrigued by the dish I mentioned (tikka masala pork chops with rice and veggies), so we agreed we would stay in, eat, and watch movies. Dinner went so well that he said, 'Be sure to cook more chops next time, dear' LOL. We watched two movies, the first of which was a Swedish film called 'A Man Called Ove', which was very good, and Wonder Woman. Sunday morning on the way to breakfast, he asked about my son and his health, having remembered that Khalil had been in hospital a little over a month ago. We had breakfast and once we came back to my house, we were outside, looking at the mountains and talking about various adventures. I broached the subject: 'If you want a real adventure, what do you think about riding out with me to meet my son?' and he said he thought that was a good idea (can't remember exactly but it was something like that). I warned him that because of his special needs, Khalil has no filter and will probably be all up in his business. NG smiled and said something like that's what all young people do and he was welcome to ask anything. The conversation went on from there about other things. Overall, I think it went well. Now, the real next step: setting up the meet and greet ... Yikes! I am thinking not this coming weekend but the one after.

Thanks trying2. I wasn't hurt so much as confused a bit. I would of course like more with him and think he's a great guy. But he's got to get to a place where he is comfortable enough to share. Interestingly, he sent me a text today to tell me he has to work tomorrow and wanted to know if I wanted to get together for dinner. I was in meetings and didn't get back right away so he texted me again. I had to laugh. I am so not a good signal reader. I talked to my son and plan to talk about them meeting. If we do get together tomorrow, I think I will bring it up ...

Had an interesting day yesterday and the day before. Day before, NG replies to say he got my texts from Monday but was asleep and that he had Wednesday off and could come by. I said I had a light schedule so that would work; later I realized I wasn't sure if he meant he was coming Tuesday night or sometime during the day on Wednesday. I texted back and he messaged that the storms we had made it harder for him to get in from work and that he needed to go to sleep (he goes early because of his hours) but would come by on Wednesday. He drove over yesterday and we just spent time together. Talking, watching TV, I had a meeting online and he napped while I dealt with that. He held my hand while we watched TV. We ate some snacks and he had to leave because he had to get up early for work today. He said he would see me this weekend (rarely does he say specifically ahead of time). It was a weirdly comfy afternoon. We didn't talk about anything too heavy, although I did ask him how he was feeling outside of the work stuff he'd been dealing with. He shrugged and gave a sort of noncommittal answer. I didn't press, didn't say any of the things I'd been thinking about wanting him to let me in a bit more. It just didn't feel right to do so. During one part of our conversation about work, he made a comment about needing to save up money if he wants to start his own business. He commented that his daughter will have her degree soon and is getting the idea of being on her own (or at least building a life with her boyfriend, who she's been with for quite a while). He then said if he couldn't get out from the level of rent they are paying together, he would either never get enough put away to do his own business or he'd end up living on the street because of the expense. I said, 'Well that won't happen' and he didn't reply specifically to that but kept on with the business idea conversation. Sigh. This is hard.

Hear that for sure. I see speed dating come up on apps like LivingSocial and Groupon these days. If you are interested, you might look there. Other than that, deciding if the loneliness is for companionship of a friend or of something more intimate. If you have left off going to lunch or meeting friends for coffee, it might help if it's the former. Deciding to try out the dating waters is pretty much the only option for the latter I am guessing. No expert for sure. Anyway: {{{hugs!}}}