arneal

Ah, the betrayal thing. That's a tough one to work through. Maybe helping her think through what her dad might have wanted for you. Would he have wanted you to be alone for the rest of your life? It's hard to get our kids to think more broadly sometimes. It sounds like you are doing a great job being there for her though, Virgo!

Sudnly -- praying that you are caring for yourself at this difficult time {{{hugs}}}

Virgo -- if your LH was your daughter's father, there's something to be said for the father-daughter bond. My LHs daughter, who is in her 30s, did not spend a lot of time with her dad. She was often disrespectful, I think because she wasn't raised to respect parental authority (I've mentioned that she and her mom, who she has spent most of her life with, are more friends than mother and daughter. Her dad wasn't having that). Even after he got very sick she was distant. After he died, I suspect she felt a lot of guilt. I wrote here about her reaction when I sort of mentioned I was dating: I told her that I was having trouble with my garage door opener and my 'friend' said he could fix it; I didn't want him to do so because it was too hot to be working out there. Her response was that I should let him work on it and that he could take a shower since there are two bathrooms in the house, just that he wasn't allowed to take a shower in my bathroom. It was a weird conversation, particularly since BF had already spent the night here several times. I didn't discuss any of that with her and have not said I was in a serious situation with him now. I get that it is very different when you are under the same roof as your children. Even after that, they can be weird My son met BF last year. He was generally polite but as I shared about the meeting, acted up terribly afterward. I was hurt and embarrassed. He doesn't live with me so that does make it a bit easier. Now that BF and I live together, I mentioned that I want to try and have lunch with my son sometime this month. I didn't invite him specifically but left it open in case he'd like to come. My LHs daughter is not my responsibility (except she has stuff here at my house; she has a set of keys from a long time ago when she stayed with us for a little while but the locks have been changed since then. If she pops up unexpectedly, she better have a Plan B since she can't stay here; the second bedroom is no longer a bedroom but a storage area and room for the dogs when I have video conference meetings for work) but I have made it clear to my son that, like you said Virgo, he must be respectful. He is an adult (23 years old this year) and despite having special needs, I expect him to show how he was raised when he deals with people.

Trying2 -- it is important to listen to instinct, that 'still small voice' of the Creator, meant for our good. Take your time, be gentle with yourself. Maybe step back from him for a little bit to give yourself time to think about the whole picture ... {{{hugs}}}

My BF is quick to say he's a lightweight when it comes to drinking; if we have whiskey, I can certainly take in more than him. However, and besides I am certainly not a beer fan, I agree with Mike that you will want to be clear that it was unacceptable (and darned dangerous!) -- consider tempering it with 'don't mind if you have a few but let me or whoever hasn't been drinking take the wheel'.

Bliss indeed ... BF is home today. He hurt his knee, hyper-extended it or something, and was limping about this morning. He is being subjected to my dogs all day, as well as the noise from the tv as I get work done. I kept my regular schedule, went to the gym, came home and showered ... he'll get a taste of what my normal day is like tybec -- it is interesting how our schedules orbit around our new SOs and the blending of families. As Trying2 said, it is possible to travel with kids if planned properly. Not as much grown-up fun in some ways, but still Virgo -- good to see you here and thanks for your question! BF and I have been seeing each other for two years come the end of May. He moved in this past February, but as Trying2 said, we all move at different paces. I've been widowed twice and lived with both husbands prior to marriage so the live-in thing is no biggie in a way. This is very different than the last two major relationships for sure so I am not comparing. I've blocked a lot of the first marriage process from my mind in an effort to heal from it but I moved in with LH (my second husband) within a few months of knowing him. I met him in August and before Christmas my son and I were basically living in the house he shared with his dad. We moved in for real (as in I gave up the apartment I had for my son and I) the next summer so my son wouldn't switch schools mid-year. It took BF and I more than a year and half to move in together and marriage is not a conversation at this point. If it happens, it happens ... klim -- good point about knowing changes are permanent. Change is difficult for us all; if no one has ever 'held his feet to the fire' in relationship, it may take a few times of getting burned for those changes to stick. Does that create a deal-breaker as Trying2 mentioned it might be in her case? It's always tough to say, isn't it? Plus, what is a deal-breaker for one is not to another, so there's that. This relationship building is not easy for sure ...

Happy Monday all! So this was back to something of a 'early dating' weekend We went to a matinee on Saturday. I have a membership for discounts to the particular theatre so paid for the tickets while BF bought the snacks and food. We went to see 'Isle of Dogs' It was then back to life as it really happens: went to the market for groceries, came home and cooked. We shared cooking yesterday, which was interesting, having him in my kitchen. At one point, he had to use more utensils than he wanted and joked about using so many. It was like going from early dating to old couple in a couple days LOL. Good times, which I was glad for as he's been stressed with work lately. How are you all doing?

Yay duckie -- happy for you and as Virgo mentioned, please do feel free to pop over to either or both of those other threads!

{{{hugs}}} Sugarbell!

Hey Sugar ... I can't imagine as I have not been in that situation. I am an only child; my dad died nearly 24 years ago and while somewhat helpless when it comes to taking care of a house at the time, my mom has always been very independent. First husband's mom had died tragically before we met. He had no contact with his dad, who came to his funeral; my first time and last time meeting him. Didn't even get to greet him in the midst of all the weirdness. LH's mom had died before we met. He took in his dad and I and my son moved into the house he'd rented. We all lived together until his dad died and it was a really good thing. His dad was a great guy; mild mannered, taught me how to be a good caregiver. Which I needed when LH got sick. BF's parents are both gone. My mom is still doing, but she does have a boyfriend. I think it's a great idea for your BFs mom {{{hugs}}}

Well-said, Virgo -- relationship doubts. Does that ever go away? Like you, Needytoo, I went through my submissive phase in the first marriage. It was abusive and I was young and stupid, having never experienced such a thing. Second marriage was totally different; I was 'free' to speak up. Now as a twice-widowed person in a committed relationship I am more concrete on what I expect. I have moments like us all but tend to get over them quickly. I think especially now that we are under the same roof, it's hard to hide stuff. Plus BF has been through a lot in the two years we've been dating that I don't think he has the energy to hide stuff. Needytoo -- your point about your BF seeming to suggest that you are worrying about a non-issue goes to several things I've read about relationship differences between the way women and men see things. I don't diminish it to a gender point but would say that we each, as individuals, have different concerns. If you've been widowed, as we've said ad nauseum, concerns are different from someone who's been separated or divorced. It is what it is and to help our SOs understand how we see the world just as much as they help us understand how they see the world is important. Virgo -- that whole 'what happened' thing and the comments suggesting we should 'get back on the horse' ... I get tired of that. I've gotten to the point I mention BF and not the fact that I am widowed unless asked specifically. I've gotten the 'you are young and should get married' thing more times than I can stomach :

So sorry, Needy. Wish we were all closer because we could go and be your peanut gallery <3

Yes, klim you bring up a good point. For those of us to your south in the US, insurance is a real thing. I just became full time with my university and spent today cancelling the 'insurance' that I have been paying out of pocket. It is horribly expensive to be healthy in the US ... don't get sick for sure.

^^^ baby steps. Yes, trying2! It's not so much my family, which is small. My mom knows about BF, has talked with him on the phone, sent him (to his apartment address before we moved in together) a card when he was really going through with his daughter. She's pretty much it since I am an only child, father died when I was pregnant with my son (so this December will make 24 years ago), and I have four 'blood' cousins (and one cousin via my youngest uncle's second marriage) who I am not connected to (the last time the four of us saw each other was when my grandmother died; the cousin by marriage I haven't seen in probably more than 10 years). It's LHs family, particularly his daughter ... having them know my business is what gives me the angst. However, like I said, I told LHs one cousin who stays in touch regularly and if anyone will tell it, it will be him. LHs one other cousin and I are close enough to be sisters (when I went to visit my mom, she's the only one I told I was coming ... not his daughter, not anyone else in his family ... and we had dinner together) knows but wouldn't say anything to anyone. I guess my 'fear' is how to say that I've moved on. Sure, they don't have a say in what I do with my life, but I don't want to have any conversations about what I am doing. I think if they hear it in gossipy fashion, they will form their opinions and just leave me alone. That, or I'm just overthinking the whole matter, which is much more likely

^^^^ As another twice-widowed person, what WheelersWife said!

Hey there, Needy -- how timely is your post! I love the replies you've gotten so far and would add that I think trust is something many of us here wrestle with on a daily (hourly?? second-ly????) basis. It is hard to have a great loss, whether our relationships were fabulous or not, and jump right out there with an open and trusting heart! At least for me ... That said, I agree with trying2: please don't stare at the wall. Go do what you enjoy (even if that's binge watching a show, needlepoint, squaredancing, or skydiving ... whatever it is, get to it!) and let him have his space. So yesterday morning, BF woke up in a rather dreadful mood. He was tense and irritable (not a morning person anyhow, but this was the crankiest I've seen him), to the point he yelled loudly at my dogs. They adore him, so much so that my baby boy (the 80lb one) won't let BF out of his sight. They were confused, looking at him like 'What are you getting so loud for?' He apologized immediately and said he was tense. I wanted to laugh but kept it to myself. He took them to their room so he could have some space on the couch before work to drink his coffee without being licked, leaned on, or stared at ;D I went into the kitchen and started washing the dishes from the night before while he grumbled, which made me want to laugh even more. Before long, he came out there and hugged me. I said 'Thank you!' and kept on washing dishes (now had the dogs been upset by it, there would have been a conversation instead of pleasantries ... not that I would have been nasty because I wouldn't do that just before someone has to drive these crazy Southern California highways before dawn). He wandered around, going through his usual morning routine and left. He got off early and was in a very chipper mood when he got home. Spent time with the pups while I finished a few work meetings. It's interesting to me -- when I go about my thing, eventually he'll come to see what I'm doing. I basically do what I would have been doing if he wasn't here. Sure I spend time with him but my life doesn't stop because he's feeling pissy today, just like his doesn't stop if I am feeling pissy (although in my case, it's usually that I'm drained from putting out work-related fires; pissy isn't my go-to. Probably the hippie in me lol). His cranky was not caused by me or anything particular in this house so I can't carry that from an emotional standpoint. He probably doesn't remember, but back when I first invited him to my house, I told him that this space is my sanctuary. I try to keep peace here, all the time, even when I am not feeling it. I try to carry that attitude with me everywhere; when I would visit his apartment, I carried my sanctuary with me. Now that we are under the same roof, it is even more important to me. Maybe it's from being the pack leader for these monsters of mine ... dogs sense our moods. If we are tense, so are they. If we are comfy, so are they. By not getting freaked out by his action (or reaction?), I feel like I am just oozing peace It works with the pups and I hope eventually, the longer BF is in this atmosphere, it will work on him as well. Sorry for the long-winded share, but I hope it is helpful!

If the first husband had had insurance, I wouldn't have had to make payments on his funeral ... LH had it and then we stopped paying the premium; several years later he got very sick and I didn't want to be back in the same boat again so took out a policy. Little did we know that a pinch less than a year later I'd need it. Wasn't even enough to cover the cost of the small hole they dug for his urn by his parents' graves. No headstone or anything for him or his dad. I would have liked to have done that ...

Thanks for that, klim It's one of those things that I am defensive about. Can't put my finger on it exactly other than to say I've been judged by family in the past so am always ready with a come-back before hearing any crap ... I did tell one of LHs cousins recently so if it's going to get spread around that I've moved on, he'll be the one to do it for me lol.

I would say that I don't see myself as having had a particularly extraordinary life. Some days. Then on others, I open my eyes and look around and realize I am doing what I 'grew up' to want to do -- I work from a home I own (well, the bank owns it, but you know what I mean), I have two wonderful monstrous and uncouth dogs, I come and go as I please, and I found a great guy for my Ch3, having been widowed twice. I live life as it comes, knowing that the next moments are not promised. To be able to have the freedom (at least in time because finances are another matter lol), is more than extraordinary to me. Not judging but hoping to offer my little perspective ...

I joke when I go into stores and they ask if I want to apply for credit -- I tell them that the machine would laugh out loud if they put my social security number in there because there is no credit score lower than mine unless it's got negative numbers LOL! My LH was a musician as his main job before he got sick; he had worked several quite good jobs before that and was able to get a decent disability social security check each month. After he got sick to the point he couldn't work at all, I was the primary breadwinner and the only one who worked outside the home eventually. In 2013, my full time job went away and I became a part time consultant and instructor online and took care of him. After he died, I was able to increase my capacity and just this last month became a full time employee again. It took 5 years. In the meantime, my credit, which has never been good, went totally in the crapper. However, I have a home and a car so I don't worry about it all too much. I don't have credit cards so there's that. BF also doesn't have great credit. He lives with me now, having moved in last month. He gives me cash toward all the bills. I'm good with that. My son has special needs but is the only person on my insurance policies so would get those should anything happen to me. The house? Well, that's another matter. I wouldn't care if BF got it. I'd be dead anyway. My son does not have the capacity to care for a home. Sure, its sale could go to his caregiver, but she gets paid from his social security (he gets from his dad, the first husband, who died when my son was very young) so I wouldn't be too concerned about that part. BF and I certainly haven't talked about marriage in the sense of us walking down an aisle. We are both on the same page about it and if it were to happen, yeah great. If not, so what. I haven't made a will because in my eye I am not worth much financially. I have thought about it but it hasn't been a priority. Maybe because after two marriages and being widowed twice, with neither husband having much (first husband didn't have insurance so I had to sell my car and make payments to the funeral home to bury him; I had gotten insurance for LH the year before he died, he was very sick so I couldn't get much but it was enough to have him cremated), I haven't given it a lot of time.

SS -- please take care of yourself. Know you have a caring community here. I concur with several comments posted already about staying close to those who care for you and separating yourself from that toxic environment. {{{hugs}}}

Ohhhh, tybec, that is huge! Whenever the kids are involved, how can it not be? So glad that your son liked the idea of a trip with your NG. I haven't told my son about BF moving in. Part of me doesn't want to tell him that he was right -- the first time my son met him, privately he asked me of BF would move into the house. I was flabbergasted and blurted that things were too new to consider such a thing. I joked that he (my son) was moving to quickly. That was late last summer/early fall and here we are. BF moved in last month. I will tell him but would like to do so when it's just the two of us and presently there's no plan for us to get together. I've thought about how to handle that, since the dynamic is now different with BF in the house. I wouldn't want to not include him in going to see my son but I think he was very nervous that first time and may bow out should I make the invite. Yet, I want to be considerate of my son as well. Ugh. TWW, you are so right about sadness and how strange it can be, cropping up at the weirdest times. I don't get the alerts on social media so much, particularly since I took off my relationship status a while ago. While I was a widow on FB, I'd get all sorts of things from LHs page. I haven't taken it down because of his daughter but I don't go to it (as I write this, I feel like I want to ... but probably won't). Yesterday, I told a woman who attends the church we first started going to after moving here; she remembers my son when he was in junior high so it's been just about 10 years of knowing each other. I told her that I am living with someone. Also told LHs cousin, who is in contact with me pretty regularly, which makes the second person in his family who knows. I figure he might tell a few others in their family so it will get around. I didn't want to have the conversation, not that I needed to. The first cousin of LH who knew I was dating and that BF moved in this year is more like 'blood' family to me than the real thing lol. I was talking to her about feeling like I needed to tell people so they wouldn't think I was over here, all alone, and that they could just pop in on me, but I didn't know how or what to say. She said I didn't owe anyone any explanation but she understood where I was coming from (she too has been widowed more than once; interestingly, her last NG she took around the family and then told them when the relationship broke up ... I thought it interesting that she felt I didn't need to tell anyone. I guess because they are really her 'blood' family and she lives near them while I am on the other side of the country and most of them could care less). It's all so weird ...

I think as others have said (not that you asked me what I think, but it's early and I'm only on my second cup of coffee lol), after loss our antenna is up. However, if they weren't, we wouldn't have the online dating laughs thread here because I'd dare say more than a few of us have gotten caught in the crazy trap I shared either on this thread or that one time I was over at BFs place about a year (?) into our connection and he wanted to show me something on his mobile. He clicked the wrong button and it was the dating app POF. I was stunned because I had said a few months into our regular dating that I was getting off all dating apps to concentrate on this possible thing. He seemed annoyed about the app, closed it, and moved on to what it was he wanted to show me. I wrote a post here about it and it may have been Captains Wife who talked me off the virtual ledge by suggesting that maybe he just hadn't deleted it. Besides seeing that he still had a dating app, there were no flags that something was amiss. When he and I met, he was separated and the divorce didn't get finalized until about four or five months in. He talked about his ex a lot. There was much they needed to work out and their relationship was rather unpleasant. He needed to talk about it and told me that he wanted me to know all about it. Did I feel I wanted to? Nope. But it made him feel better. Even now that we are under the same roof, if something reminds him of a situation between him and her, he'll share the story. Food for thought. How many times, whether we say it to the new people in our lives or not, does something remind us of our LHs or LWs? Probably a few. Or more. Tough to talk about the dead to someone who's never experienced that but to talk about the living? Sure. We talk about our kids, coworkers, neighbors, fellow church members, strangers on the road, so why not living ex's? Rhetorical questions there ... All the best, LF and everyone. Happy Monday

Hey tybec ... First, {hugs} Second, yeah I can't understand folks who don't think about their losses. My son's 23rd birthday was this past week, which made me think about my dad, who was killed in a car accident while I was pregnant. I also thought about the first husband and his death. I thought then about my mom getting older. Which makes me think of my own health and that of my BF and others. It is an endless stream sometimes. Not that it keeps me from recognizing the good stuff, but it's there ... Hope you all have a good weekend <3

Hey there LF, good to see you moving around the boards. Sorry you've had this encounter. If I might offer a slightly different take on A? My BF was quite wounded in relationship. I've shared a bit here and on the deeper waters thread. He was often very distant, could get moody when thinking on the past and those people with whom he'd been connected. Hurt makes it hard for people to think clearly and to have hope that maybe you will be different. It took nearly two years of letting him be, of continuing to develop my own capacity, to sometimes from a distance (no matter how weird it felt) be supportive, and to still show that I cared. It's a lot to juggle. But like you, I felt he was worth it. He moved in last month. I am traveling for work and he's home with my dogs, my babies, who I don't trust many people with. Does he still get moody? Yep. However, it's different because we are in closer proximity. We grew together despite his moodiness. Am I suggesting that you and A go to that length? Not at all. However, know that even with 'issues' presently, it is possible she will grow. What we see as normal post-relationship behavior might not be how she progresses past this ex. The she thought she blocked his # might simply be a lack of technological prowess. Or maybe she is a player. Time will tell. Follow your instinct. Be careful with your heart, but open to possibilities. It's very difficult to move forward, sure. But if we don't try, we won't. {{{hugs}}}