arneal

Your post made me smile Needy, about your NG not remembering what he said. Mine does that too sometimes ... he'll tell me something and then several weeks later (sometimes longer if it's a memory trigger moment) will tell me again. Sometimes he'll ask as he starts whether he told me the story before and if so, I'll say yes. Sometimes I don't remember until he's into it a bit and then I say something like, 'Oh, yeah! I remember this' and either leave it at that or recount a part of the story. There are also times when he's into whatever it is and I've heard the story before that I'll just let him tell it. Other times I'll tell him that I remember it. I try not to repeat stories so I don't know if he remembers what I say or not, but if he does and I've repeated, he keeps it to himself. That, or he doesn't remember. Or he likes my stories; I do write fiction for fun after all LOL. But seriously, I wonder if sometimes for those of us who have been by ourselves for any amount of time or just on our own even in relationship if we tend to not talk generally. I think he's comfortable with minimal talk in between being face to face. I am too but when I want to be clear on plans, yet not pushy. Sigh.

Thanks, trying2. I think it's always a bit more difficult when you aren't sharing space with the other person. We have excellent communication when we are together, face to face; it's the in-between that is weird for me when it's by text. I suspect it's the writer in me, looking for more context than what is actually there. I am working on that 'it is what it is' frame of mind that I mentioned from tybec. It is slow learning for me :-[ As an aside, he did reply to my text. As I took time yesterday evening to (over)process, I believe it's about comfort level. He is very comfortable with me, trusts me, and sees me as an independent person. I basically do what I want, when I want. I joke that my dogs and I are an unruly pack but at the same time I can be very focused. I suppose he likes that contradiction. Midlife attraction problems. So junior high ...

Oh Captains Wife

Eek, faye -- there's honesty and then there's honesty

Momof2obs -- Wow. Just ... wow.

Happy Monday (and Happy Thanksgiving for those in Canada!): ever have one of those weekends where you're just cranky? That was mine. I was excited because the delivery of my 2 in 1 tablet PC was slated for Saturday (yep, I am a tech nerd ... love new toys ;D) but thought to reach out to NG to see if he wanted to do anything. He messaged back that he was tired from the week, which based on our conversations last weekend had been slated to be brutal as they were under a deadline to get a big job finished. He suggested Sunday instead. I replied sure, let me know, etc. and went on with my day. Sunday comes along and nothing. No 'hey, still not up for going out', no 'gonna stay in and do laundry', nothing. I enjoyed my Sunday but it made me think about our discussions here on communication ... I sent a text a little while ago though to say that I missed having the chance to wish him a good week in person. I think I mentioned one of my son's friends, the young woman who calls me (more than my son does LOL) and for whom I am like a surrogate mom -- she's been living in a group home for more than 10 years and has no one to talk to her about life it seems, so she calls me. I've talked to her over the last month or so about things my own mom never talked to me about Anyway, she called yesterday while I was in that sort of funky mood; we talked about decision-making. I told her there comes a time when she has to decide for herself what it is she will deal with and what she won't when it comes to her friends (everyone in her circle has special needs like her and she struggles to figure out who she should include as a friend). It again made me circle back to our discussion about communication. When do we tell the new folks in our life precisely what we expect? How do we have those conversations? Here is where my own lack of good communication comes in. There was no meeting in the middle in the first marriage -- his way or nothing. Life was sort of organic in my second marriage and it wasn't until far into LH's illness that I had a pointed outburst of sorts when I felt like he didn't care about my feelings (in that case, the doctors had said he could not have one drop of alcohol because of the interaction with the medication they put him on after he came out of ICU ... he drank anyway and I was frightened). I want to be in a place where I don't open my mouth and sound like I expect things to go my way all the time. I guess trying to figure out more organic two-way conversations in this area is my difficulty. This thing with NG isn't like that experience with LH, but I often struggle in the communication department ... sigh. A big part of my angst is about how we left last weekend after seeing my son. I am grateful for tybec's post on another thread ... it is what it is, no matter how I think about it. I am working on living in that space. In the past, people have struggled to understand how I engage with my son so I guess some things don't change and I need to accept that. I am hoping this whole thing is just me, in one of those over-thinking moments. Thanks for 'listening', friends. Am grateful for each of you.

tybec -- hitting 'like' on your post just didn't say enough. This whole moving forward thing is ... something else. Your point: It will work or it won't. My mantra. It is the fact no matter how I think about it. -- so true. {{{hugs}}}

Oh,my! A reward might bring out more madness than you'll want! : LOL!

Momto -- so, dude is looking for a 'buddy'? 'friends with benefits'? Ugh. Sorry {{{hugs}}}

So sorry, tybec and Captains wife. Limbo. Ugh. I think much of 'mid-life dating' is limbo. For me, I honestly don't know exactly what I want or how I want it, other than just. being. happy. What does that look like? Life has been tough and I often wonder if I would know 'happy' if it landed in my lap. Difficulties harden the heart and it is difficult to soften it again. I wrote a blog post that went up this morning about 'how did I get here' -- I was standing in my backyard with my dogs yesterday and the thought just hit me as I stood, looking out at the sky and feeling the wind blow. I have been widowed twice and I feel like I've become the cat lady neighbor -- I have one neurotic cat, two crazy guard dogs, a fish tank. I sometimes go out to water the lawn in my robe. Yeah, I've turned into 'her' It was a momentary pity party but I got over it. With the dating thing, I just don't know. I guess I'm in it for the ride. In my 'how did I get here' moment yesterday, I imagined having the break up conversation with NG. Not sure where that came from, but I think it's how I've always lived life: prepare for the worst so if it happens, you can bounce back quickly. I am not feeling like we are on that road, but it's just how my mind works sometimes. CW -- you mentioned the compromises, which made me remember a conversation he and I had last weekend. I was talking about wanting my passport and he said he can't even think about getting one for another year or so; things had gotten so volatile with the ex when she didn't even want to talk to him, she put out a restraining order, meaning he can't own a firearm or get a passport until it expires. When they first broke up, she kept a bunch of his stuff out of spite (things like blankets and sheets -- yeah, it was like that) and he would try to contact her to ask for it all back. She got mad, filed the order. He abided by it and in the end, she gave the stuff back -- his daughter had to go and meet her to get it. So ugly. That means if I could take a real vacation somewhere out of the country, he couldn't go. I also brought up Thanksgiving. He said, 'We are cooking ...' whatever it was, meaning he and his daughter have plans this year; she spends the holiday with him for a couple years and then with her mom for a couple years. I am a planner, so I am wondering if I'll be invited to join them. I think it hit me as I was thinking about the 'how did I get here' -- this year would be the first I spent completely alone if I don't get invited. I will still cook and enjoy not having to work for a couple days, but still ... In my case, should things advance, he would be the one to make more compromises like you mention, CW -- I own my home and live farther from the home office of his job and right now, certainly farther than where he commutes to every day. He has more storage space in his room in the apartment he and his daughter have than I do because it's newer than my house, so that would be interesting. Yeah, I do a lot of thinking for my limbo time

LeadFeather -- no harm in showing her. My mom is a bit older than yours and my dad died almost 23 years ago. Interesting how life changes: when I was a kid we had a neighbor and a woman my mom worked with lived with him. The two never married on paper but were together for ages. The woman died and several years later, my dad died. My mom moved out of the house I grew up in and time went on. The neighbor moved to a town maybe 20 minutes from my mom and they became friends, talking about my dad and my mom's co-worker. Next thing you know, they are a 'thing'. She has her home, he has his. They spend time together and are each other's contact for medical emergencies. It just works. You never know And all the best on the biking and the M&G!

It all takes time, Kaycee. We all have different paces. Due to the circumstances, some of us here are still not ready to let anyone else into our hearts, while others of us embraced that possibility early. Some found that special person while others have not. Some have been hurt, as you have; we are here to support each other, no matter the pace. Remember, your children need you strong. Do what you need to care for yourself and them. While a certain level of vulnerability is sometimes seen as attractive between two people, it can also invite the worst type of people into our lives if we aren't careful with how and why we are vulnerable. I was 30 when the first husband died. My neighbor's son broke into my house not too many months after; while I was dealing with getting my landlord and the police in order, this neighbor came over to ask if I was okay. I was rattled but angry and said so. He left. A while later, he asked if he could mow my backyard, this scruffy little pass of grass that took me about a half-hour with an electric weed whacker. I said sure. I didn't think any more of it until I noticed a couple months later he had stopped. I went back to tending it myself. One day while walking to the pizza shop, I passed another of my neighbors who told me in no uncertain terms that the man had only done it in hopes of being invited in I was shocked -- the man was married and our houses were so close across the walkway that if his wife stuck her arm out the kitchen window, she and I could hold hands. I was furious. In that case, I wasn't showing any vulnerability at all. I didn't even really talk to those folks for them to know anything about my life. He still tried to get near me. Just ew! I share that to say that we have to be careful with our hearts, especially at times like this and for the sake of our children. Know that we are here for you and feel free to ask all the questions you need. Vent as you like. That's what this space is for.

Leadfeather -- I hear you! I never worked out in my life until after LH died. It was good for me physically and a good stress reliever. Hope you get in a good M&G soon!

I too tend to be introverted and just a big ol nerd when it comes to this sort of thing. Like I tell people, I was married/in some form of committed relationship for 25 years between two marriages so what do I know from dating? We didn't exactly date ... it was sort of a mutual coming together. Not romantic at all the first go and I was too wounded the second go to get when he was trying to be romantic. It just wasn't part of my DNA. NG is very touchy-feely but even in the beginning he didn't try to hold hands or anything. We just sort of grew into it. One time we went out and were sitting on a bench outside and he put his arm around my shoulder. In public (!). I couldn't believe it but I liked it. Later, he would hold my hand and now, depending on where we are going he usually holds my hand. Like MR, when I drive I keep my right hand free because I know he likes to hold hands. And when I can't because I need to really concentrate, he'll put his hand on my right shoulder. It is true -- for some, hand-holding is more intimate ... I have to agree.

You go, girl. Now that you have done it, it will be easier to spot the jerks in future and tell them to get to steppin right away. {{{hugs}}}

Kaycee -- you are certainly not alone. I say, if we all put our life stories together and then put our post-loss stories together, we'd be rich at the top of the sad Country songs charts. Many of us have been widowed more than once (raises hand), been in abusive situations (the first marriage, raises hand), been taken advantage of in times of vulnerability (first stab at online dating, raises hand). Let that sadness and anger turn to productivity for you and your children. I used it to clean my garage, rearrange my family room, and change other decor around this place to make it mine. Let your kids see the strong person that you are. Start doing things that make you happy -- pick up a new hobby or reignite an old one. You'll be surprised at how fulfilling that can be. No, it won't fill the emptiness but it will strengthen you and when it's time, you'll get back out there and find someone to add to your and your childrens' lives, on your terms. {{{hugs}}} and don't hesitate, like StillWidowed said, vent here as much as you need. We're here for you.

Momto -- yes, it is hard when you take a step in good faith. I posted several weeks ago on another thread that the person I am seeing still had POF on his phone. He was trying to show me something online and hit the screen when it and several other (non-dating related ) apps opened. I was the one who said I would focus on what was going on between us; he had agreed at another point that he wasn't into dealing with more than one person at a time. When I saw the app, I was freaked but didn't say anything. I had simply gotten rid of the apps and closed off my dating accounts, but that was my choice. There has been nothing outstanding to suggest that he is talking to anyone else. I also read on a dating discussion post that until you both agree that you are exclusive, you aren't. Not saying you want to be running about, dating tons of other people (unless you do!), but as others have said, there is an aspect of politeness in replying to messages or continuing conversations and not ghosting.

Needy -- good for you! I continue to read information from the so-called experts but tend to use it more for how to best communicate. Much of what I found seemed to lean toward coercion or fakery, and I'm not about that. I don't want to trick a man into being in my life. However, not being the most social person, I wanted tips for how to not be stupid at a conversation and how to be comfortable in silent moments. I still struggle with wanting to fill up the space with talk ... :-\

Thanks, Needy and I hope you have a wonderful weekend of camping!

Ha, Bunny! I have my moments when I wish NG wouldn't leave, but then if he didn't, I'd probably be looking for space for myself ;D ;D

Thank you trying2. NG was very understanding. He's working long weeks and I appreciate that he took time out of Sunday, which is usually his day to just veg at home, to go with me and that he said it was nice to meet my son. I am wondering if he'll bring up the whole 'my parents' thing at some point

Don't beat yourself up, klim. It's weird territory. I posted about my weekend with NG and meeting my son for the first time ... NG had this house rule about no sleeping over at his place, which to date we've broken 3, maybe 4 times now. At the old apartment when he first said it, it was because he didn't want to set a poor example for his daughter and her boyfriend; he didn't want her thinking it was okay for her bf to stay over. I respected that and abided by it. Last New Year's, he suggested I stay, so I did. I am thinking she might not have even been home. I think I stayed there one other time but can't remember now. At the new place, I tried to honor the rule as well; I mentioned it in a text reply and he said he'd done away with that rule 'months ago' because they have two bathrooms in the new place (the one she uses and the one in his room) : ??? I've stayed there a couple times as well. Funny, as I write this I think about a comment he made last weekend, asking if my car would fit in the garage at his place ... I have a Ford Flex, which is long, and figured it wouldn't fit in there with his motorcycle. We didn't try it but he did ask, so I guess he was thinking about me staying ... Bottom line, rules change. Comfort levels talking it all out change. I guess it's easy for me to say because I don't really have house rules -- I live alone, I work from a home office and unless I have meetings can set my own schedule. NG has stayed here over like a Friday to Saturday or a Saturday to Sunday. He stayed a couple days (like a Monday late afternoon through Wednesday morning) once when I agreed to take him to the airport. If you are okay with him staying over now that your son is away, set some ground rules. You've got work and if you have a routine that his being there will interrupt just now, explain that. If you think allowing him to stay all night will make him clingier, definitely set some ground rules. However, do you stay at his place ever? You might use that as an example ... like if you are okay staying there until a certain time, explain that. Or if you stay all night, you might want to consider what's different. Like we keep saying, dating is so junior high! :D

jgib -- yes, online dating is weird and can make you feel weird. Many folks here have taken breaks and tried other things like going to speed dating events, blind dates, set ups by friends or family, joining social event things ... whatever works. Take your time, there's no rule. But for sure, it ain't like it used to be ... : ???

Thanks, klim. I think it was just that high expectation I put on the meeting. I was nervous as it's such a hard thing. My son wasn't too crazy about LH when they first met because it had been just him and me; he didn't remember his birth father but eventually came to see LH as Dad, which was a good thing. I was hoping he wouldn't ask too many questions and he didn't. I was just sad that the parting was not as positive as the rest of the afternoon had been.

Hi, Leadfeather -- great points there about expectations. I was married twice for a total of about 25 years of committed relationship so your comment there certainly resonated. It is possible to find someone. Don't give up. Maybe take breaks and try different sites, but stick to what it is you want and don't settle. Several of us are at a point now that we can laugh about some of the horror stories we've endured with online dating, probably because we weathered the storm and made a connection of some sort. All the best to you (and all)!