arneal

^^^ as Brokenheart2 said, {{{hugs}}} Virgo ...

Hey there, Virgo -- a few of us are back and forth azjane -- thank you for asking. I try to be organized when I move as I think I mentioned; keeping lists, time lines, and so on. BF is not quite into that and takes a more laid-back approach. I had the gentleman who does my yard come and take more stuff out of the garage; it is my hope to rearrange out there and make room for stuff, a vehicle, or something. He was late getting there yesterday so I was delayed getting to BF's. However, when I got there, he wasn't ready to move very much over and instead cooked dinner for us. We brought his personal vehicle (motorcycle) and the items from his garage over and stayed at the house. I drove him back today and he said he figures he can do most of it himself. I gave him some giant garbage bags to put linens and clothes in. He said he is expecting a few early days this week and will just pile up his work truck and come over. I gave him a set of keys. Told him I'd go back over and help him clean later in the week. It doesn't feel quite fully real yet and probably won't until we get into a regular weekday routine. He did tell his boss and coworkers he was moving out here and it is happening, so I guess it's real enough I look forward to having him here. It's nice to be with him regularly. Feels comfy and good.

Thank you all! I've tried not to be maniacal about the whole thing but it's hard. I feel like one of those birds on NatGeo who makes a nest and then dances to attract a mate ... I've moved things, made space, identified which drawers in dressers and in the bathroom are now available for him to populate, made space in the kitchen for additional dishes, pots and pans, and such. I haven't told him I did all that, but I spent a good bit of time last week at it. However, I think it's subtle -- if anyone were to walk in, they wouldn't be able to see much difference Thank you, trying2. One of the things I told BF a long time ago was that my home is sanctuary. Although I work from a home office, I have specific space for that. The rest of the house is where I 'live' and as such, it must be a safe place. Not having sanctuary when certain folks were here (my LH's daughter, one of his cousins who stayed with LH, me, and my son for a while a handful of years ago) is what made me institute that 'rule' ... I value it even more since I've been living alone and don't plan to change

Ouch, Virgo ... I can't imagine. People are often weirdly insensitive as they think what they are saying in some way provides comfort

Gigantic changes, yes, tybec. Funny -- we are having this conversation here on the board and when I talked with my mom last night, she asked me if I was making BF sign a contract. She is worried about my protection, of me getting taken advantage of, because of her own history. I shared with her that everything is in my name, always has been. I was married to LH but bought the house in my name only, which is how he wanted it. I and my son moved in with him several months after knowing each other and into the house he rented. I then bought a house, again in just my name, before we married (we got married in our living room). That calmed her a bit. Ah, life ... Looks like BF and I will be doing the bulk of the moving this weekend. Yikes ;D

Thanks for that insight, Virgo -- I never thought about the 'replaceable' factor ... Try the pineapple juice hot (put it in the microwave or in a pot and heat it like tea) for coughs instead of cough chemicals

I hope you are not sick either Virgo -- stress certainly can bring on illnesses because of a vulnerable immune system at such times. If you can tolerate zinc, get some! And drink hot pineapple juice to fight coughs! I pray this weekend is one of love and peace as you spend it the way your heart leads. This brings up an interesting point about how differently we all grieve -- for how long, and so on -- which is very much a journey. I think people didn't get my reaction to my LH's death but that's because they weren't privy to the conversations we had around that possibly and who were not there during the hardest health challenges. I grieved as LH declined so by the time he crossed over, I was in a different place. Sure I cried and had many moments. But they were private, just like my life with LH. That said, I am so grateful for these spaces. I found widda a couple months after he died and am still awed by the care and wisdom I find regularly in this community. So grateful for you all who also have walked this path.

Virgo and klim -- totally feel for you both with the transition period. In my case, my son had a minor meltdown after meeting BF for the first time. He got over it and to this day I don't know exactly what the issue was for him. My LH was not his birth father but was the only dad he knew. My son did not live at home when LH died. He has not lived under the same roof with me for more than three years, but since he did something a bit shady (not to me or BF) that day and got caught (I think I shared that story in this thread), he was embarrassed and that's how it came out. The bigger issue has been my LH's daughter. She is still mourning the loss of her dad, who she wasn't close to. That's a whole 'nother story, but suffice it to say, I think it's guilt showing now that he's gone. She doesn't live here as I've mentioned and I've managed to keep my distance. I have not told her that I have BF. I am thinking about whether I will let her know it or if I will let her find out whenever she does, like if something comes up on social media. BF and I are private people, not putting it out there for the world to know that we are in a relationship, so I am leaning toward not saying a word. She is a grown woman and my personal affairs are not her business, but I respect her feelings as best I can because of her dad. I am sure she will have feelings about it, but my mourning is different from the wife-who-was-here (through the worst of illness and so on) than the distant-daughter perspective ... Bottom line, it ain't easy.

To the notion of commitment -- I would say it means different things to different people. I think of my mom -- Boomer generation, retired now for over 20 years after a zillion years working in one industry, widowed for more than 20 years; she and her companion (after all, BF is weird at 50ish and seems outrageous for those over 70 lol) are committed but will not marry, do not intend on living under the same roof, but go back and forth between each other's houses during the week, and are the primary contacts for each other's doctors. I have a friend who is divorced and who cringes visibly at the notion of even having a man in her house for dinner and a movie -- for her, dating (the entry into commitment) is the step before marriage (true commitment) and living together or intimacies are taboo prior to. That said, for me commitment may or may not include marriage. BF and I will be under the same roof soon (maybe even this weekend) as the nuclear blowup between him and his daughter meant she moved out of the apartment that he didn't want in the first place; he moved there at her bequest after telling her before she got the lease that he wanted to move further east (out here near me somewhere) for a variety of reasons but she wanted to stay over that way. We've spent the past two weekends talking about it and here we go. Here's 100% commitment for me -- we will be living in the same digs. It does not mean that I will allow for the anger and upset of his ex (about things in their relationship that pre-dates my connection to him by many years) or his daughter to disrupt the sanctuary of this home. I am very clear that this space is sacred, that what goes on here stays here, that it is a place to rest from the madness outside in the workplace and in our respective family relationships (including children). As one of our colleagues around the boards often says, 'your mileage may vary' ;D

Interesting how the pattern seems to be to leave when they don't like what they hear :-/

I think we could probably start a thread just on hate ... sad, but true. I believe there is a self-rationale that the 'haters' perpetuate in their own psyche. Said individual has an image in her (as this issue seems prevalent with ex-wives ... not to say that men don't react similarly but follow me down the rabbit trail) head of what her marriage was supposed to be. This image did not take into account the person of her husband, meaning that he would have his own thoughts and ideas of how things should go. Her idea, quite princess-book like, gets mashed by real life and she hates him for it, for not being what she imagined. Compound this by the experience of said ex-husband moving forward with life after her and (gasp!) finding happiness. Related to this fantasy is often the notion of the husband taking care of her needs, no matter how bizarre (I think about my DHs ex, who once told him that he had no right to question how she spent the child support money -- he argued in court that the money was for his daughter, not for the ex to buy shoes and handbags -- and at the time the judge agreed that he had no right to question!) and when he refuses to take the crap, back to hate again. tybec -- I say this hopefully, that despite how connected the ex's family might be in the town, if she's a nutty angry woman, I can't imagine that you are the only one to see it. I feel your discomfort though since close nit small towns have a way of supporting folks for no good reason. If possible, keep an even tone as you speak, talk about what you've seen and avoid the possibility of snarky or judgmental. Been there and it's hard, but when you look like the stand-up person, the likelihood of good outcomes for you professionally and in community are higher. {{{hugs}}}

^^^ yes, trying2, gaining new levels in the relationship. If we remain stagnant, which in some cases is about how many times we want to circle the same drain, there is a problem. Patience is one thing but settling is another matter. I guess the question becomes how to know the difference. Understanding what represents settling is so very individual. Making sure to take the context of a person's life (including our own!) into account as we work through all of this is important too. I am learning more, step by step ...

Thanks, trying2. We did talk last night. A lot. It was amazing, actually. There are elements I won't share here because of how difficult a time this was but I am happy with the progress. I don't expect miracles. I made my point clear and he was in a place to hear it. <<< That's it right there, being in position to hear the issues. Without this thing happening with his daughter, I don't think we'd be where we are today. I am sad that it took that, but am glad that I was able to help him express his thoughts as I expressed mine. Like you, trying2, I love him and know that he loves me. Just being able to say that to one another is a big step. Now it's a matter of a continued positive trajectory. Onward!

Hey klim! Ugh, it's the unknown that is so hard! Is this the one, is it not ... I am at BF's now. We talked out a lot of things. It was harder for him than it was for me, frankly, because I didn't have to say anything. He worked through his lack of openness and his sharing of where he was emotionally was certainly deeper than I could have guessed. This week was one of serious introspection for him and in addition to coming to terms with where things are with his daughter right now, he talked about how he is grateful for me. Humbling.

Virgo - I remember those conversations with DHs daughter. Her mom let her do whatever in her house but her dad and I were old school. We didn't care how old she was, we didn't permit her to have a man in our house unless they stayed in the living room and we wandered through regularly. Lights stayed on as well Yes, BF is in a different frame of mind after the incident with his daughter last week. Will see him this afternoon.

So sorry to hear about your son, Needy. That age through early 30s seems to be getting harder to deal with. I told my son early on that he needed to be independent. It backfired slightly because he didn't have the emotional maturity to work out the "hows" of adulthood. He is okay but in Mom's opinion could apply himself more I am proud of him; as someone with special needs he does pretty well. I posted on another thread that my prayer was answered about BF. I didn't have to say anything. He and his daughter had a nuclear blow-up last Sunday and it hurt him to the core (she's 24 or 25 years old). We were in touch yesterday and the first thing he said was he apologized for not letting me know what was going on, that he was in such a bad way after what had happened, and that his behavior had not taken me into consideration. We talked a bit more about his situation and we will see each other today most likely. I ended the call by saying that I was sending much love his way and he replied that he loved me too. Wasn't expecting that, but certainly progress.

Happy Saturday, all: I heard from BF this morning. He's had a rough go but sounded really good; he's been working out the issues, which was most necessary. I didn't have to say a thing -- he started the conversation (we talked on the phone, a weird thing that isn't typical for us lol) by apologizing for not calling to let me know what was going on. I ended the call with 'sending lots of love your way,' to which he replied 'I love you too.' We will get to talk more tomorrow. Progress.

I hear that, trying2. I also go through the gamut of what horrid thing may have happened, but remembering past similar situations (even though none have been this bad -- well, maybe they were but I wasn't involved and connected enough to know it, which is my other consideration!) along with prayer helps. It also seems that he's not had anyone who desires such connection in this way. Sad but true ... it sounds like no one, not even the ex's, cared whether he came or went, felt good or bad, or how he dealt with difficulties. Despite a text to start things off, which is what I think it might be, there will be conversation ...

Oh, trying2, I am sorry to hear and agree with jgib -- I know I get more sensitive when I don't feel well. This is so funky and complicated!!! I wonder if it's winter blues? I don't know. Trying to think on the bright side. BF and I will be two years come Memorial Day.

Thanks for that, trying2: the thing is, if he's gone underground to lick his wounds, nothing will make him come out. He fits the profile of a guy born under the Cancer sign lol. I don't follow astrology or anything but my educational background has made me interested in traits. One thing that I read about that sign is that the men are very much like the crab: stubborn, will go far away from everyone, even loved ones, when hurt and trying to force them out causes pain for both. So, instead of asking questions or anything like that, I've continued doing what I usually do. I went to the thing last night. I got someone to take a photo of me while there. I made a social media post about it. I texted BF and attached it, saying the event will be happening for a few months and maybe we can go so he can see the whole thing. I texted this morning about the video game, where my character is, and that she misses his character I have continued my social media posts. I will go to a local church group meeting tonight; I made it my goal to go at least once per month and tonight will be my first time going. Will send a text tomorrow morning to let him know I am cooking; might make an offer to go there, I'm undecided yet. I am not convinced I will hear from him this weekend. I remember one time I think it was last year where he was off-grid for just over a week and then sent me a text saying he needed to just isolate and deal with the issue. I am thinking it may be the same this go, but if I get that text, I will think of something to text back ... short and kind ... to say that the complete disappearing act is something we gotta talk about

Well-said, Virgo. Boys can be different, not as apt to discuss what they are thinking or feeling about mom dating and such. My son (as I have mentioned has special needs and lives in semi-independent living) was very polite when he met BF but had a meltdown later. He never told his house mom that it was specifically related to seeing me with someone, who my son said he was happy for me, but his house mom thought it was ... you just never know and have to take it all as it comes. And thank you for that suggestion -- I like how you put it. My only adjustment would be to switch it around (I feel X when you do X) so I am not inadvertently adding to the pressure he is feeling from the whole daughter blow out thing.

{{{hugs}}} Sugarbell. Situations with ex's and kids ... I thought this was tough when I started living with DH. As a widow, it seems I am more sensitive to how what is going on for BF and his children affects me emotionally ...

Sounds like a good plan, Needytoo. I have always been handy but have become more so since DH died. I love to tinker so any time I can do something around here, it gives me a sense of accomplishment and pride. Glad that at least you got NG to look at the snowblower; maybe the more he thought about it, the more he realized he couldn't fix it and didn't want to say so. It's possible. For those of you who dated when younger, I think this period of time is harder. I didn't date per se (not in high school, first 'bf' became the first husband and I met him when I was about 21) so it's all a mystery to me. I am better at it now, thanks to the boards here and my readings on dating! Oh, communication ... struggling mightily with that one right now. I mentioned it earlier this week (on another thread I think) that BF and his daughter had a major blowup. He's been MIA since, which is nothing new; when hurt, he goes completely underground -- no social media, no text messages, and he's not even playing the video game we're both on. I send short texts each day to let him know I am thinking of him during a difficult time. I don't ask any questions or make requests (like to ask if he wants to come over). When we were together last weekend, I had invited him to a thing tonight; even though I figured then he wouldn't come because of his work hours and the fact that it is over here by my house, I am going to send a message to say that I wish he could be there. We are coming up on the weekend and I had said last weekend before all this that I was going to cook, so my plan for tomorrow is to say I'm still planning on the same menu and hope he'll let me know if he's up to coming out. I will do as I usually do: I will post photos of tonight on social media and will also post photos of my cooking on the weekend I feel bad about what has occurred between him and his daughter (who misread one of my comments yesterday and once I put it in context did not respond) but won't take sides for sure. It's just that I don't know what he expects from me. Hence the plan for difficult conversation the next time we see each other, made more difficult by circumstances ... Sigh.

StillWidowed -- your post made me smile from ear to ear because I was thinking of my first sortie into online dating. My rose colored glasses were on tightly and I didn't realize I was being snowed. I think I didn't want to see that because I wanted to be in a loving relationship so badly. However, my researcher's nature came back online and I got myself in check. There isn't enough love in the world, after one abusive marriage and one good one, that I would put myself through too much garbage. It just took a second for my head to catch up with my desiring heart

I agree, patswife -- I have been widowed twice and both marriages were night and day, as were the losses. I was my DH's caregiver the last few years and did not take care of myself. I have shut the door on a few folks, more from DH's family than mine since I am not close to them anyway. BF wants to be close to his family but they are not interested it seems. His eldest daughter has been estranged for some time and now the youngest is pulling away strongly. He says how he feels, how he hurts, and everyone takes it personally rather than trying to understand his perspective. I don't think he's used to having anyone who listens and who doesn't push for their way. In taking care of myself, I find that I too am open to possibilities. With BF, I have had experiences -- simple to many I am sure -- that I did not have in previous relationships. I don't have the time or energy to try and bend his words to mean what I want (I know people in my life who do that ... if the issue isn't about them, it doesn't exist or is unimportant). I do what I do. However, I plan to tell him as much, to let him know that I am not in this for just the sunny days and smiles but to be down in the muck as well when times are tough. He knows it but it never hurts to hear it.