arneal

tybec, your post from December made me think a bit ... I too love my NG. My issue is not my thoughts of LH but that LH comes up in public spaces, like on my social media. When his birthday passed, my stepdaughter tagged me in a post. She tagged me a couple days ago on something that reminded her of her dad. One of her sister-friends tagged us both in a video she had taken at our house and wrote about how she misses him. On a separate but sort of connected thing, I made a funny post this morning about running from the bathroom to the kitchen to turn off a pot I was boiling eggs in that I had forgotten about before getting ready to jump in the shower; I said I was paranoid that someone would see me A cousin (who doesn't know about NG) replied, 'Who is there to see you, other than the dogs?'. I said I had my shades open and was concerned about nosy neighbors, but it made me realize that there are people who expect me to be this stoic, single widow. That's not who I am, not who I want to be, and not who LH wanted me to be ...

Sounds fabulous, tybec!

That sounds fabulous, daysofelijah! Yes, we had a good evening. It's funny -- I don't think of myself as particularly schedule-driven, except when traveling or planning meals If I say the meal will be ready by a certain time, I expect us to be at the table at that time. NG, not so much. I'm slowly coming to terms with that. Like last night I had planned dinner for 6pm; I can't remember what time he texted me but he wrote that he was finishing a bit of laundry and he would be here after. He didn't get here until about 7:30 and joked about the food being cold (like he was testing to see if I was angry) -- I was like, that's what microwaves are for It was okay because it gave me time to take a nap as well! But the thing was, I noticed he'd gotten a fresh haircut and all this sort of thing, like he was trying to look nice for me. In the end, it was a nice night of conversation, food, and a movie.

Since it just passed ... How was Valentine's Day (for those who celebrate)? I think I mentioned I gave NG a Valentine's Day card; if I did, feel free to skip this part lol. I gave it to him on my birthday (2/12) since it fell during the week and with his schedule I knew he wouldn't be coming round. He seemed a bit worried that he hadn't given me a card or anything and I told him it was just a card, no worries When Tuesday rolled around, he sent me a text to say Happy Valentine's Day, apologized that he couldn't come round due to needing to be on the road early in the morning, and asked if we could get together this weekend. I think I smiled for the next three days ... it was the first time not being married (in which it seems there's more obligation when such dates come for both people to say or do something) that I got a greeting for the day. The first husband didn't do such things and LH was always good about it when we got married, but while dating, this is new to me I'm off to cook dinner for us now and hope he can still come as the weather has been a bit strange here these last couple days ...

Good for you, tybec! So glad it's coming together with your family (son, mom) and NG.

Love that, MrsDan! I have a book I made as well but I haven't shared it. I included things like movie and event tickets, along with a little description, a big leaf that was on my windshield after I stayed at his place New Year's Eve into New Year's Day, and little remembrances. It is my own keepsake that maybe I'll share one day. But I don't think I'll ever give it to him ;D

Yes, tybec ... I think it is the testosterone challenge lol! My girl dog is generally sweet to NG and actually my boy is too, but he nips. He does that to men and women, but seems particularly into doing it at each chance with NG, who thinks it's the pup's way of trying to be Alpha. My cat is a boy, but as you note, cats do their own thing, regardless it seems of gender. They tolerate us

Feel free to update us, trying -- we are all here for each other! Yes, chemistry of some sort early on is important. I was so corny about NG when I first saw his profile. I wish I had been a real stalker because I would have loved to have copied/pasted the contents so I could look at it now to see what it was that I liked so much. We had very good written conversations on the dating site right away and in the chat he said something like 'it seems like we have some chemistry here'. I suggested meeting and the rest is history. I know I thought he was cute right off, but besides that, there was something in his writing and eventually in his conversations. But the cute certainly didn't hurt!

Thanks, tybec -- does the cat like NG? Is he trying to get in for some extra cuddles? My baby boy dog is like that with NG. He's nipped at his fingers and because he's sort of wild, he makes NG anxious, which doesn't help matters. I am hoping the two of them can find some equal ground.

momto and stillwidowed: I had the pleasure of spending a couple of days with a work colleague out of state who invited me to speak to her students. As we talked, she shared that she and her husband had met online. We talked about some of his quirks and some of hers ... we laughed a lot. I share that snippet to say, you both are wonderful and strong women. Whoever ghosts on you is missing out. And that right guy is out there. You might trip over him at the grocery store, slam your handbag into the back of his head getting on the subway, or spill a hot cup of something on him in the coffee shop. It will be spectacular and I for one can't wait to hear your story. It might not generate from an online meeting, but wherever it comes from, I pray it's magic.

Oh, trying ... {{hugs!!!}} One of the dating info sites I read had a post a few days back. The desire for the other person was #1. The 'expert' wasn't saying that sex is the main thing, but if there's no attraction, chances are that there won't be. Without some level of attraction, the idea of that guy being 'the one' is slim. The not spending a lot of time thing. Ugh! So I had to travel for a speaking engagement from Monday-Wednesday this week. After an overnight away weekend before last where NG was sick, I got sick. It was totally a stress cold. I did my darnedest to get better before leaving as I was hoping to see him before I left. He was still sick so it didn't happen. I was sad about it, even though we texted and whatnot. I got over it quickly because it would have been hell if I had gotten sicker before going to present, right? Silly. However, this was a cathartic trip -- the first one taken where I had no one at home to call and say "I made it' and no one waiting for me at the airport when I got back. That was tough. I cried when the plane was coming in for landing and had to close my eyes when I was on the way to grab my checked bag because there was a husband there, waiting expectantly for his wife. I saw her as she rushed to him for a kiss and just ... felt empty for a moment. I had been happy when I arrived at the airport on Monday though; I hadn't told NG exactly my itinerary, other than I was leaving Monday and would be back Wednesday. When I was getting out of the shuttle, I heard my phone and when I looked, he had texted me -- as if he knew the time! -- to say have a safe trip and he'd see me when I got back. Swoon, right? I texted back once I got through TSA to say I'd let him know when I landed, which I did. We had a couple messages on social media in between and then he seemed happy to know I got home safe and said he'd see me soon. So then I posted a photo and wrote about my teary landing on social media; his response? 'I would have picked you up but didn't know when' Swoon again! So I kept it light and said something back about him being a hard worker who drives like 29 hours a day, that this was something I had to go through, but now that I had, I might hit him up for that ride next time We'll see what this weekend brings as it is my birthday on Sunday

That is interesting, daysofelijah -- I used to let my dogs go everywhere, including sleep on my bed. I had to keep them out when LH got very sick because he was on oxygen and whatnot. I started again after he died because that California King was just too empty. However, when NG started coming over, I knew they weren't used to other people. They are for my protection, after all. It's only recently that he's talked to them and most of those have been accidental (when they would break out of their enclosure and rush him ... not a good impression ;D). I keep them out of my bedroom now, even when I'm by myself. I want him to like them but I also want to respect his feelings about how he engages with them.

I agree with you that Match seems hit or miss. I had no luck whatsoever with it and I'm in Southern California -- you'd think with all the people that live in this area, something would have hit. My city is over 200,000+ by itself.

Exactly, momto, but I feel ya, RyanAmysMom -- NG has been sick all week; I thought we would see each other this weekend since I am going out of town, but he texted last night to say that he's been miserable. I was disappointed, even though I've been fighting a stress cold myself As one of my friends says, this whole dating thing is so junior high!

MrsDan -- your post made me smile about the dogs. My boy nips at NG; he's about 80lb and even though he is three, he's just a big baby. He likes thinking he's the Alpha. I had no problem telling NG to pop him on the snout if he nips again, but thinking of the possibility of sharing space, of sharing the pups 24/7, is an interesting premise. I gave that more thought, honestly, than I did to introducing NG to my son (who doesn't live with me)

soloact -- funny you say that about a language. One of our friends' sons once said of LH and I that we spoke a language that no one else understood. One of his favorite phrases was "Don't look at me in that tone of voice" -- it always made me laugh because he had the best comedic timing! The first time I heard someone say it, I laughed like Julia Roberts I hope to have that sort of connection with NG; we have private jokes, but having those special phrases and things is a whole different level.

Oh, boy, yes! The space thing! ;D When LH died, I panicked and at first considered hiring a live-in because I didn't want to be here alone. My son had been placed in a care home for men with special needs a year before LH died, my stepdaughter lives with her mom back east, and so this family of three humans dwindled to a family of one human in quick fashion. Also, I felt trapped all by myself, with no outlet because no one was around to care for my pups if I were to decide to take off. I posted elsewhere about having a conversation with my stepdaughter about coming to live with me and soon realizing that was a mistake (she is 30 and not particularly financially independent). I got past that and soon became VERY comfy here alone. I have my schedule and also have a great sitter for my animals now after developing connections with neighbors (you know I trust her if she has a set of keys and her own alarm code). However, like you Captains wife, I find myself wanting to spend more time with NG. He often stays here overnight on weekends and once we spent a couple days together because I was taking to the airport for a work assignment. Full disclosure -- when he hugged and kissed me good bye at the airport, I cried on the way home. I soon started laughing about it, but wow, I never thought I would be so sappy! Anyway, he has mentioned wanting to buy a house but the market is hideous here. I haven't been so bold as to suggest he live with me, even though I've thought it. Then I think about how much I love my space. Then I think about the fact that I would still have it because he works all day and I work from home; the only things we'd have to negotiate time-wise would be my 4:30am mornings when I get up to go to the gym three days a week. And parking, since both my vehicles are in the driveway (I even figured out a way to solve that). Our acquaintance won't reach its year mark until Memorial Day weekend, so it's still very early in this thing and I am willing to let it play out as God will have it do so. As a side note, today marks exactly one year since LH crossed the Rainbow Bridge. As much as I love(d) him, I woke, thinking 1) it's the first day of my birthday month and 2) of NG. Sigh.

Can totally relate, daysofelijah; my first husband was abusive and was my first. I learned nothing about intimacy from him and like you, avoided it. My second husband taught me a lot but I think the residue of experience from my first marriage prevented me from really enjoying myself. Plus, with his health conditions, our sex life had been nonexistent for quite a few years. I really appreciate spending time with NG in that way

Widowat33 -- {{{hugs}}} Know that we are here for you, to listen ...

RyanAmysMom -- Noooooo!

We live in a strange world, Needy (as an eHarmony add plays in background ... 'we found our best match in life' says one of the people on there) ...

It could depend on the site, klim. There is a sort of new one (at least I think it's new) targeting doctoral level professionals. There are also those sites for people 50+. Neither of those sorts of age or profession-related targeting speaks to personality, however :

Well-said, klim! There's something sort of odd about messaging, figuring out whether to make that phone call or text or not, and then figuring out whether to meet face-to-face. Maybe it was the surprise of meeting right away that made it different before ...

Great point, fairlanegirl: I never expected to be widowed twice ... it's tough to share that with friends, much less a potential new love interest. We never know what will be a deal-breaker for someone :-[

DoE -- So sorry you are having some bumps with your NG. Yeah, determining the make-or-breaks is not as easy as some might think. Many of us have written about those things in terms of initial meet-ups and online dating (e.g., age differences, activity levels, and hobbies) but there are some things that don't come out right away, which is a double-edged sword as well. If we have something that might be considered a little touchy by others, we might keep them hidden or be reluctant to share it because we don't want to be rejected. Maybe whatever it was, was a poor decision, a mistake or on purpose. Regardless, we must have standards. Don't sell yourself short -- if you are uncomfortable, do what you need to do, friend -- either way.