arneal

MrsDan -- I completely get your point about children; NG's youngest daughter lives with him but he's been talking more and more about moving further east (closer to work); she doesn't want to go because she would be further away from her mom and where she works. He is estranged from his oldest daughter and has been for quite some time. He shared about his kids early on and so did I; having a special needs adult child from an abusive marriage and being widowed twice would be a glaring deal-breaker for many so before I invested much I needed to share it. I don't see or speak to my son much but want to see him this year; he knows I am dating and asks me how it's going when I talk with him (it's felt weird having this conversation with my son and then I remember that he will be 22 in a couple months lol). Like you, this is a very different relationship. I married the first husband after ... I don't know what to call it -- it wasn't really dating, I guess just young and stupid connection. My second husband and I lived together for a few years since he was legally separated when we met and then got married; 16 years together and then it was gone. The online gig was weird and now that NG and I have found a regular rhythm, I pray not to go back to it. Seeing him is cause for anxiety but it's fun as well. Like the teenage stuff I never did ...

tybec -- I hear you! NG is a technician by day. He is very laid back but you can tell he analyzes and thinks a lot. I like that he lets his hair down with me

I suspect the LH/NG dynamic might be an area of careful navigation, tybec ... NG (while not a widower) and I shared our previous relationship stories fairly early. He wasn't freaked out by the fact that I'd been widowed twice, which is refreshing. He had an ugly situation with his ex-wife and I think I may have posted about that conversation here somewhere. He was so nervous to tell me what happened. He asked me to sit down one night (it used to be that we often stood in my kitchen when we talked. Don't know why). Trust me when I tell you I thought we were about to have the breakup before the relationship conversation! He was literally shaking and said that he had been worried about telling me and was so glad to have gotten it off his chest. I felt bad that it had concerned him so much. However, the good that came of it was that he feels very open to letting his hair down about everything, so to speak. I suppose we automatically react in certain ways because of how we've been treated in the past. I am a generally easy-going person and I don't think he was used to that. I don't know if he remembers, but some time ago, he said I was 'easy on the heart'. I thought I would melt when he said it.

Hi, all! I hope I am not out of line by starting this thread. Thanks to SunshineFL, I realized that a different space to share thoughts on budding relationships might be helpful So, I suspect I am not alone here -- there is a relationship space that is between being single and desiring a connection and being in a fully committed situation. To give a bit of my own story, I met NG online and we hit it off; we have been seeing each other since May 2016. He and I talked about our past relationships and he shared that he tends to take things slowly now (as someone who's been widowed twice, I totally get it!). Our situation doesn't fit the 'new relationships - post photos' area since neither of us does much picture-taking. We each have pretty full work lives and spend some part of our weekends together unless out of town for work. Public affection a norm and we are sexually involved. We are navigating this thing and there are occasionally strange hiccups, like my boy dog (a 3-year-old 80lb Black Malinois) nips at NG. It's like he is trying to be the house alpha. He's also still a big puppy, which gives NG a bit of anxiety (who wouldn't be anxious about a large dog acting wild?). Other than that, things are pretty good So, what kinds of pitfalls and pinnacles do others find themselves experiencing as they are growing new relationships? What do you want? What do you not want? Funny stories? Questions? Warnings? Thanks for sharing!

Yes, klim ... I know that feeling. I think recognizing it is vital -- knowing that you can go overthink mode is important so you can pre-plan how to try and not let it bleed into your time with this person, particularly if you like him as well All the best!

Thank you, Sunshine -- as one who has posted as such, I apologize to any and all who have felt offended. Praying that everyone here finds what they need and deserve :-*

Needy -- yes, FB account issues are a real thing. A few of my very good friends have had it happen. I would get a second friend request and all of a sudden they would send a message saying to us not to accept it because it wasn't them

Yes to all of the above! I would add to check photos as well. If you use Chrome, right click on the photo and you can get a menu option to reverse search it. There is a website (https://ctrlq.org/google/images/) were you can upload a photo and it will do the same thing. As has been noted about verbiage, some of these creeps use stolen photos as well. The people are real but are not the ones who created the profile sometimes. Spend some time chatting on the site if possible -- also as said, get a sense for the person. Rushing off-site is sometimes a flag. If you decide to meet, do so in a safe place, preferably of your choosing. That way, you can set up your view spot to see whoever it is and can leave. Have a friend on post for you is also a good protection. That said, there are some good people out there and yes, there is someone for everyone. After meeting a creep who gave a lot of the scam lines and photo stuff discussed here, I found a great guy. We've been dating since the end of May 2016. Know that it can happen!

Great point, MrsDan -- I have two profiles but I never thought of it that way ... one is the general one and the other is my author profile. Some people are connected to me only through my blog and writing, rather than personally. I didn't share my social media with anyone in the online dating world and it seems none of those who reached out to me was savvy enough to know how to find even my public professional profiles. NG and I are friends on Facebook but that came a number of months after we started seeing each other. He knows about both my profiles, even though he only follows my 'personal' one.

As much as I disliked the first husband and as much as I loved my second husband, sex was nothing like it is now with NG. I am grateful to have experienced good stuff, finally. I am expecting that we will be involved for a good long time.

The ghosting thing is a mystery, isn't it? Sometimes it seems that for one or both people, either the conversation isn't going where they want (suggestion to hook up not coming quick enough, not enough common interests really) or they don't want to say that the other person isn't what they were looking for. The first time I reached out to this guy on one dating site and he said I wasn't what he was looking for, I was sort of hurt, but then I appreciated his honesty and took a lesson. I started doing the same -- thanks, not interested, good luck with your search sort of thing. As far as first meets are concerned, if you haven't made the suggestion before, consider doing so -- as in not waiting for the guy to do it. NG and I hit it off on the dating site messaging; I wrote something like 'we should meet for coffee or lunch or something'. He agreed and gave me his #. I gave him one of mine (the one I used exclusively for dating at that point -- I didn't give out my real # right away so as to avoid those that turned into weirdos lol). He called me and we talked for about an hour, then made plans to meet two days later. That was Memorial Day weekend last year and we're still connected

Oh, momto ... glad we have the 'like' button back, but I couldn't use it, even though I wanted to give you kudos for calling them both out!

Great read that more folks should pay attention to. As I've moved forward since my LH died, I had to do some reading about dating. Many of the 'experts' speak to what this writer indicates -- it's not our job to change a man (or woman, for you widowers) into our image of them but to love him or her for who they are. I did things that drove my LH crazy and he did things that drove me crazy. It's what we do as people. NG tends to be forgetful and it sometimes irritates me (like 'Oh, did I tell you about ...' regarding a story he's told me a couple times since we've been seeing each other). I then remember that it's not that serious and move on. If that's the worse thing I'll deal with as I seek love again, I'll take it!

From one academic to another, I am thrilled for you on all fronts, TS! I hope you'll keep updating as I certainly appreciate following the faculty journeys of my colleagues. When my LH got sick and after my last full-time administrative faculty contract ended, I threw security out the window. I have never been in a tenured position, which has its plusses and minuses as I am sure you know. I like the freedom of being out of the publish/research or perish thing but would love some medical benefits I teach in master's and doctoral programs online, which allowed me to be a caregiver and still earn. I soon came to appreciate that free schedule as it has allowed me to gain better health through going to the gym as well as general mental health (I can pop up and go shopping if I feel like it) As far as you and your NG, go for it. My NG has been talking about moving closer this way (he lives west of me but works farther to the east) and I wonder if he is hinting about moving or buying a house to see what I'll say. So far, I haven't said much but it's pressing on me. I have been thinking of offering my available space for storage if he needs it in the meantime to see what he'll say; I of course would be open to him moving here

Needy, I agree with you. I found that the trolls seem fine with paying too, unfortunately. I think it's about gaining experience and reading posts here to learn about the potential pitfalls!

Eek -- desire is putting it mildly! It's crazy! :o

You know, it's funny. For years I could go without even thinking about sex. Now, with NG, I find that I crave it. I do my best to be patient and not jump him when he comes in the door lol!

Missing that like button, Virgo. I am looking forward to the weekend myself in hopes of connection ... sigh.

Yes, Needy -- as you know from my posts, NG and I met online. Patience and a sense of humor are definitely necessary

Good for you, trying. I have a friend whose son left this year. However, she has a crazy work schedule and he comes home on holidays pretty regularly. She is our age and I struggle when she asks for dating advice because she is more conservative than I (for example, no sex until married).

Thanks, trying -- since I stepped into this whirlpool of a dating world I had to do a lot of reading as I know nothing about dating (first relationship in college turned to marriage and lasted for 9 hard years, was alone for a bit and then started seeing the man who became my second husband and that lasted for a total of 16 years, so 25 years that didn't include dating). One thing that seems part of the whole modern scene is this idea of commitment. Today, it's common for it to exist without labels ... without the two people telling folks they are a 'thing'. It seems a lot more casual in general. I don't pressure NG to call me his girlfriend and I've only referred to him as my boyfriend once or twice and then in writing to a friend. Personally as an almost 50-year-old, I feel funny calling a 52-year-old man my 'boyfriend' Semantics ... the bottom line is that we are exclusive; we are on the same page about monogamy and didn't become sexually active without that understanding. I only have my son nearby for family, but he hasn't met NG. I've met NG's daughter briefly during the holidays. The commitment is there and shows up in ways that are funny to me, like he is upgrading his motorcycle and was very clear about having a helmet for me and making sure the new seat will be comfortable for us. He plans trips together. And this one time I posted something on social media about getting random friend requests from men I didn't know, he made sure to respond that whoever they are, they better go away. It was especially funny to me because he was on the road for work at the time and followed his comment by saying he'd be home in a couple days I do find myself enjoying the physical connection with him more than I ever thought I would. The first husband was all about his own pleasure and cared nothing about mine. My LH was attentive but I was still quite guarded after the first marriage. Now, I feel very free and am about both NG and my enjoyment.

mbanyard -- I hear that! I was a young and super-stupid virgin when I met the first husband in college. I went out with my second husband but we met at work so it wasn't like I dated. This whole thing has been weird with the online thing but I would say that technically I haven't dated much. The first guy I talked to online was a troll and I never met him in person. I messaged a few other guys but didn't meet them either. I met NG and that was it. We started going out and haven't stopped. Dating is just ... weird.

There is something about the closeness of intimacy, the smell of another human being when aroused, the electricity of being touched all over, of desiring and being desired, hearing breathing and feeling it on the back of your neck ...

After I met NG, I kept my profile up for a while as did he. It's funny but a couple months in I realized I was the one with issues I was concerned that he might be contacting other people and I really liked him. In the end, I got hold of myself, realizing that only time would tell. I took my profile down for the reasons some have mentioned here -- I wanted to focus on the possibility of developing something with him and it was so much easier to not have to deal with getting contacts from others at that point. I told him I was doing it because we both had on our profiles that we were looking for LTR. I mentioned it casually and left it at that. He was good with it. Our work schedules make it difficult to connect face-to-face during the week but we text and are on social media together; we get together on weekends, pretty much every weekend since we met, which has been about seven months ago now. His birthday was about a month after we first met, so by then we'd gone on three dates or so; he adjusted his plans so we could spend that day together. We've spent Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and New Year's Eve together ... it can happen

Yay for you, widowed -- I am happy for you. And as you talk about the 'long distance' thing, remember it's all relative. I live in Southern California, where nothing is particularly close. If there are highway accidents or tons of traffic on the way to Nevada (Vegas is 220 miles from me and I live near the highway that goes right there), it could take three hours easy to get to or from NGs place. As it is, it's typically a half hour to an hour.