Told I wasnt "stepping up to the plate"

[Candace]

Dad has been off dialysis and hospice for 12 days.  We have a hospital bed in the family room where he can look out at his gardens.  Brothers left on Tuesday.

 

I have offered twice to stay in the single next to the bed at nighttime, but my sister insists that she be there.  When I sit with Dad, I am chastized for talking to him, holding his hand, stroking his arm.  I am "impeding" his transition to the other side.

That I have to let him go.

 

With Arnie, I actually crawled inside the hospital bed, stroked his hair and held him close, talking to him all the time; telling him it was okay to let go, his body was tired, and how much his younger brother,(died in Nam in 1970) was looking forward to being with him again.

 

No matter what I do, its always something wrong.  On Monday the 3 had an 'intervention" and ganged up on me about my weight.  I feel so betrayed by them, and I feel my heart is breaking not being able to hold my Dads hand or talk to him.  I dont engage in small talk with my sister and his wife because I am on the brink of tears and the reality of what is going to happen soon has reopened the pain and memories of losing Arnie.

 

Am I wrong for wanting to be near and talk to him and feel his hand?  I'm going over today but not staying long.  I dont want to see him take his last breath.  The for of us have always been close, ever since childhood.  Now, that bond has been damaged.  Has anyone else experienced a change in their relationships with family?''/

 

 

 

 

 

[Baylee627]

I'm so sorry, missy. Your siblings are being imperious and, honestly, mean-spirited. My suggestion is to speak up...they'll likely still be sour towards you, but at this very juncture, I think you should take up for yourself in your family, where--apparently--everyone besides you is an expert.

 

Concerning your dad: "YOU might feel it best I refrain from touching him and talking to him, but I feel differently about what is best, and that's not up for debate."

 

Concerning your weight: "This is too personal, don't you agree," preferably stated whilst exiting the room.

 

I'm terribly sorry about your dad. You do for him what you feel in your heart is right. Ignore the bullies.

 

Baylee

[SoVerySad]

I'm so sorry, Candace. I worked in long term healthcare for many years. I don't understand the concept of not touching your father or talking with him. We always advised that families talk openly with their loved one and hold their hand, etc.. I can imagine that it must be very hard to contain yourself from doing so. Please speak up for yourself. I agree with Baylee. Let your sister know that you respect her choice in how she wants to approach your dad, however you have your own feelings on the matter and believe it is important to follow your heart. Then do so. You can deal with any fallout later. Just make your dad your priority right now.

 

Tight hugs to you...

 

 

[Mizpah]

Your relationship with him is yours, and not theirs to interfere with.  I'm so sorry this is happening. 

[Brenda]

An intervention about your weight?  Seriously?  Like, that was an appropriate time or even an appropriate subject?  Sounds like you're blessed with close family that matches mine in terms of general meanspiritedness and lack of genuine love and care.

 

Has anyone else experienced a change in their relationships with family?''/

 

Yes.  Lost all contact with my in-laws because of something so despicable one of them did.  I suspect it was because she saw her chance to become the sole heir of FIL's "fortune" now that her sister was gone, the materialistic bitch (SIL, not my wife).  She's welcome to it.  But the sting of a family member sticking a knife in at such a time is unforgettable.

 

Best wishes, and hoping that you have the strength to deal with the nastiness on top of everything else you're going through.  Having incomprehensible and classless family is bad, even at the best of times.  Sorry things aren't going well.

[Virgo]

I would not allow them to dictate how you choose to spend time with your dad anymore. If you want to crawl in bed next to him, do it! Them telling you any different is wrong. Do they really want your dad to feel isolated in the end? I don't agree with their thinking at all.

 

I'm sorry they are making a difficult time even more difficult. They are being extremely insensitive and selfish.

[Jen]

Your relationship with him is yours, and not theirs to interfere with.  I'm so sorry this is happening.

 

What she said!!!!

 

(((((((HUGS))))))))

[Trying]

Candace I am sorry so about your father and the toll it is taking on you. I'm not sure I understand the reasoning behind not holding your Dads hand or speaking to him. I did this with both my father and my DH when they were on home hospice and felt as if it was a gift to send them off feeling loved. Maybe the social worker or clergy person from hospice can help you and your siblings with this.

 

I'm also sorry for the insensitive way they have handled their concerns about your weight. From what you have shared in the past, I suspect they have legitimate reason to be concerned about your health and are most likely worried about losing you too. I hope you are able to get some support for yourself during this incredibly difficult time.

 

Sending you hugs and prayers.

[Carey]

This is a moment you can't get back.  Don't let someone else deprive you of that, he's YOUR DADDY.  Don't allow someone elses opinion to cause you to have regrets later. You have every right in the world to hold his hand. Hospice never told  us to not talk to my dad when he was at that point. Ive never heard of anyone saying not to touch or talk to them to make the transition "easier".  Despite my faith being damaged my beliefs are not and your dad will go when it is his appointed moment regardless of who is talking , who is touching, or what is going on.  You can't make him go sooner by not, and you can't hold him here by doing it.  Honey do this for yourself and for your daddy ... hearing is the last thing to go and I truly believe your presence would be a comfort to him.  I am so sorry you are having to face this, I know how much that hurts, I was such a daddy's girl too.  I crawled in bed with him like a 4 year old and I thank GOD that I had that time with him.  Hugs and much love to you .....

[Gabzmom]

I totally agree with everyone and think you should give your dad the time you want.  Many hugs to you.  I know this is difficult.

[Candace]

Thank you everyone for your support.  My siblings arent mean spirited, and genuinely do believe by either he Hospice booklet or what theyhave heard. It was torrential rain this morning and cold, I grabbed Arnies Old Navy jacket and was at the house by 11.

 

My dads wife made ANOTHER remark about wearing Arnies sweater in public; I told her it was a comfort to me, and I was told I was hanging on to the past and that it looked horrible on me as well as the thinnes and I should care more about my appearance.

 

I hugged and kissed my dad and said "I love you Dad" and left.  I wait for those precious few moments when I am alone with him and hold his hand and talk (whisper) how thankful I am to have him as a father, and I will always miss him. The last time he was lucid I asked him to give my mom a giant hug and kiss and to tell Arnie I miss him everyday, but I have moved forward.  It just angers me no end that I have been thru this 3 times and they all are so freaking judgmental.  And the litany of course how I need to get out more; sometimes I am literally stunned by their DGI remarks.I know there are only a few days at most for my Dad.

 

When he is gone, I am going to fulfill my lifelong passion working with abused, neglected, etc animals.  There are quite a few sanctuaries  there is one in Woodstock New York that is animale sanctuary for all animals, cats, dogs, horses, goats.  I would work for free for a simple roof over my head.

 

I think a line was crossed with my sibs and I dont think I'll ever be able to got back to the same level of sibling intimacy we had before where we told each other everything.  I will never let them into those secret dark places where you are so vulnerable.  I was blindsided at a vulnerable point and I will never reveal my fears or emotions again. 

 

Time to put on my big girl panties and strike out on my own. I will always deeply love them, but never be able to trust them to that same level before.  I dont trust them to hear their assessment of my life and pass judgment over something none has ever experienced.

I really do want to know if others past the 3 year mark still wear a sweater  or other article of clothing that belonged to their spouse.

and still find comfort in doing so.

 

Thanks for understanding and being there and listening.

 

candace

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest nonesuch]

I do.  i'm wearing one of my husband's old shirts right now.  I haven't had the heart to throw out his favorite jacket.  his shoes and most of his clothes are gone, but there are a a couple things that, frankly, I can use: a couple chamois shirts come to mind.  I could throw them out, but I'd need to buy my own.  What's the point? Yes, they're too big. I roll up the sleeves.  He did have a few nice clothes.  Those were donated to a church that provides free Christmas "shopping" for the needy.

 

I'll tell you what my Mom did. The day after Husband passed away, she was at my house collecting his clothes.  She sewed them into a rag quilt. It's a quick-ish project, and it made a sturdy little throw, (and a pillow sham, too) which might have been prettier if my husband had had better taste in clothes. A regular quilt made by a skilled artist would cost many hundred of dollars.  An average seamstress could whip out one of these out in a weekend.

[lcoxwell]

I have been mostly away from the board for the last few days, so I am just now getting around to responding. Every person I have ever known, who has worked with hospice or gone through a hospice situation with a loved one, has always said how important it is to talk with your loved one, to hold your loved one's hand, and to tell him/her it is okay to let go. I have truly never heard of anyone saying not to talk to the person or touch them. Perhaps, your siblings are confused, or received faulty information?

 

My advice would be to follow the advice that others here have mentioned. Your time with your dad is so very short. Do what will bring you and your dad the most comfort, because you will never have an opportunity to go back and do things differently. If your family has strong concerns that you are doing something that you shouldn't, kindly refer them to a local hospice worker or suggest they do a little more research.

 

In the meantime, you have mentioned a few times that your family members aren't mean spirited. From what I have read of your posts, they seem to be genuinely worried, about you and about your dad, and possibly for good reason; though they may have gone about expressing those concerns in the wrong manner. If they aren't mean spirited, then your choice to be with your dad and to spend that time in a way that is comforting to you, likely will not damage the relationship any more than it already is. On the other hand, if you don't do what you feel is right, you may end up regretting it and being resentful. That will definitely drive an even bigger wedge between you and your family.

[Lmsmdm]

I fear that I too will be dealing with this with my father sooner than later. Fuck them!! Do what YOU NEED to do, and let them do what they need to do. Big, big hugs. I am so sorry.

[Carey]

Candace I just wanted to check in and see how you are. Been thinking about you a lot and hope that you've gotten some peace and comfort in this painful situation. Hugs....