Should I go gentle...

[susanf.sf]

I have been a long time lurker, occasional poster, on YWBB since 2007 (Masffit).  I will probably continue as I have. 

 

In the last month I've switched from an Android to I phone, from direct tv to xfinity, I'm lost in so many areas where I haven't been before, it's starting to feel normal!

 

I think this place will become familiar at some point too.

[cj]

I hardly know how to express myself.  The board was a source of reality and comfort for me many years ago and has continued to be that -- while lurking.  I have always felt a bit ,odd, because so many of you are the age(s) of my adult children. Yet, after hospice counseling and such, this board has been my light.  I thought for many years that I was just crazy -- but, you always brought me back to knowing that I am 'normal'.  Each of us has our own timeframes.  For me, married for a very, very long; caregiver and sole-support for many years, I lost the love of my life and my own identity.  People would tell me that I needed to build a life outside of my husband during his illness.  I chose not to do that.  Seeing the posts of people from my early days has made my heart feel good.  They are still there -- they are still checking, they are still a part of this life.  This life has changed for all of us.  No matter what age, no matter what geographic location, financial situation -- we have experienced something so profound that there are, simply, no words.  I am so glad to see so many 'older' wids connecting with the new site.  And, that tells me, as I know for myself, that many of us still need to 'see' that there is reality; that there is still a searching, still a looking for a connection and validation for what we feel.  I have 'lost my password' many times over the past years, waited and tried to get back to the board.  So -- maybe, this is my new chance!?  I watch what so many are doing, worry and pray for so many.  Cheer on the newbies, feel comfort from the olders.  Wish that more from my 'era' will join.  I thank each and every one of you.  I  have -- long time ago -- chatted with some of you.  I think you are all wonderful.  Wonderful in the honesty that you give, wonderful in the courage that you display.  I know -- I know that prayer is not always mentioned; but, I pray for so many of you.  Old Semper Fi is posting -- maybe so will my friend Amy -- from California.  Maybe Eric.  I have not even words to say how you all have carried though my years.  I may be 'older' but, our love was so young and so strong and I connect and value with so much of what you all say.  Thanks to those that have reignited this board.  Take care, love Chris.

[BrokenHeart2]

Thank you Chris. Your post was so profound.

Hugs

[Guest fleur]

 

@MissinGrizz-

?I came after all, despite telling you with those others that I wouldn't. Fleur inspired me, too. See Fleur, what you've done? :-)?

Yeah!  At least I?ve done something right!  No, seriously, it really is good to have you here especially since you?ve really run the gamut of ?widow? emotions and now have a happy tale to tell. Plus, your willingness and ability to be honest yet empathetic is, at least in my opinion, very good for this place.

 

@Carey- Thank you for speaking up.

 

@Mizpah - I think AG pretty much answered your question but yes we have lost people including some very excellent people that I hope will come back someday.  And no you are not offending, you are just explaining your perspective - a very good thing.

 

@Chopperette, @lcoxwell

One thing that hasn?t been mentioned here is that most of the old timers don?t live in a constant state of grief but there are occasional triggers that can reopen the wound.  And I have to admit that I have really been missing my husband these last few weeks.  People come back for things like anniversaries, birthdays, life triumphs? things that people in everyday life may not even know about or wouldn?t be able to understand how these things can be so bittersweet.

 

@Kamcho - You certainly don?t need to be anyone?s fool but I hope you never lose your sense of wit or humour.  You?ve really been a dealt a rough deck of cards and I sure hope you can find a way to restack them. On the one hand I really want to give you a pep talk and on the other, I am really not sure if you'd like one.  I am not sure if your diagnosis makes people feel uncomfortable, but I do know that it?s unfair and feel powerless to do anything except hope for your full recovery. (edited)

 

Finally, one thing to remember about the old board is that it wasn?t ?run?.  It was instead, left to exist. Just a wee bit of admin oversight would have saved a good many people needless heartache.

 

 

@marian1953

-?I do appreciate everyone coming out of the woodwork and admitting that they read for years, if  they didn't post. That answered the question "what the hell  is wrong with me?'

The answer  is not a bloody  thing!!!?

 

Isn?t that the truth!!!

 

@calimom - glad you joined the party.  

?When is is a choice and when is it just rotten luck??

I don?t know either.

?Bitterness can wear a soul down - I don't want it to be my soul that gets trampled.?

Me neither.

 

And the one thing I sometimes have a hard time with (and I think you do too) is when people blame everything on their widowhood and feel like it?s okay to treat others like garbage because of it.  I don?t think the words ?self-absorbed? should be be synonymous with widowhood at least beyond a certain timeframe and certainly not when one is beyond active grieving. I force myself to sit on my hand in these situations.

 

 

@susanf.sf -I remember seeing some of your posts and I hope that you are doing well. 

 

@cj - just welcome back!

 

 

[anniegirl]

And the one thing I sometimes have a hard time with (and I think you do too) is when people blame everything on their widowhood and feel like it?s okay to treat others like garbage because of it.  I don?t think the words ?self-absorbed? should be be synonymous with widowhood at least beyond a certain timeframe and certainly not when one is beyond active grieving. I force myself to sit on my hand in these situations.

 

That's a loaded paragraph. And while I should probably sit on my hands, I won't. Because I agree. Mostly.

 

For some people, widowhood upended their lives in ways that couldn't be easy remedied or remedied at all.

 

Financially widowhood can be devastating and ground is lost that can't be recovered. I think in these cases it is understandable that widows place cause where it belongs. I am not sure that you ever have to be okay with that.

 

And children can make it very difficult to get back on your feet for as many reasons as there are types of children.

 

Sometimes, the late partner was it. There is no question.

 

But I totally agree that you can't use widowhood as a cover for bad behavior. Treating others poorly or wretchedly because you feel bad isn't something that we tolerate in our children so why do we expect a pass.

 

My widowed MIL was the epitome of using people and hurling abuse. Her loss was the cornerstone of her alibi and incredibly, lots of people encouraged this behavior by letting her get away with it (until they inevitably reached their fill and cut her out of their lives - but this took years, decades even).

 

I don't think we should have to think happy thoughts at issues in our lives that are long-standing and slow or completely resistant to fixing, but we don't get to kick the cat and snarl at the neighbor kids who stray into the yard either.

 

While I personally felt, early on, that those farther out (years so) should be a bit more constrained that doesn't square anymore with what I've learned. that everyone's time line is different and there is a subset of folks who are going to take a long, long time to find their feet again.

 

Bad luck? Choice? Bit of both?

 

I don't think we are slaves to fate. We can make choices even in situations where options are limited.

 

I think it's best to let go when you can, be kind because it's generally not too difficult, to remember you can't read people's minds and don't know what's truly going on with them so don't guess or project, and remember to always be true to who you are and what's best for you (yeah, well aware of the conflicts that can arise).

 

 

[Guest fleur]

"That's a loaded paragraph. And while I should probably sit on my hands, I won't. Because I agree. Mostly.

For some people, widowhood upended their lives in ways that couldn't be easy remedied or remedied at all.

Financially widowhood can be devastating and ground is lost that can't be recovered. I think in these cases it is understandable that widows place cause where it belongs. I am not sure that you ever have to be okay with that.

And children can make it very difficult to get back on your feet for as many reasons as there are types of children."

 

 

You are right and I did not improve the silence by typing what I did.  I should have sat on my hands.  Trust me, I am pretty familiar the issues you have brought up and understand how frustrating and difficult they can be.

 

[anniegirl]

I know you know.

 

Perhaps silence is not the way to go?

 

It's not like we are carving solutions into stone but rather throwing out all the scenarios we can think of for everyone to see, think about and form their own answers (I was going to type "opinions" but you know what they say about those and this is a problematic enough topic without going there).

 

It's much different being where I am now than I thought it would be. Easier in many ways. Absolutely the same in a few others. But mine.

 

All any of us can offer is "this is how it was/is for me". Sharing our stories is important. What we've learned. And knowing that we can do that and we can share anything that still comes up or that we fear or wonder about that has yet to come up.

 

I am glad we didn't sit on our hands.

[Carey]

Sharing our stories is important.

 

THIS.  Oh you have no idea. Some of those stories are why I'm even here to type this right now. 

[Guest Kamcho]

 

But I totally agree that you can't use widowhood as a cover for bad behavior. Treating others poorly or wretchedly because you feel bad isn't something that we tolerate in our children so why do we expect a pass.

 

I so get this, and yet we tolerated it on the last board, and it will be interesting to see if it is tolerated here. Though it is harder to call people out on passive aggressive bullying, because you can't really prove it.

 

 

 

 

 

[Shelby]

Fleur, I remember you from when I was new back in 2010, and life was just unfathomable. I remember so many of the other widsisters and brothers who have posted on this thread.  And I am so grateful to you all. That's why I have chosen to stay with this new board. I had pretty much abandoned YWBB except for the occasional post and, with its demise, I was thinking "What if it hadn't been there? What if there hadn't been a mokie or kmouse or fleur or all of the others?". I'm ashamed of myself that I got "too busy" to be there for the baby widdas. I wanna do better.

 

The thread you've started here is just amazing.

[K_J]

I am also disappointed in the way the closing of the board played out. I truly feel it could have been handled in a much better way, especially since they supposedly had been discussing it for a while. I feel like they took something good and reduced it in their minds as being irrelevant. I feel like their explanation on Facebook was cavalier and somewhat insensitive.  They have every right to close the board, but I would think they should have had some responsibility to help members transition to something else since the original goal of the board was to provide support for grieving spouses / SO's.

 

 

I am also a "neo-vintage" member (widowed almost 10.5yrs, joined right after my late husband died).  I think the founders just made up their minds that YWBB wasn't relevant anymore, despite the fact that it was clearly still being actively used, despite the fact that those of us who are longer-term widows but no longer active posters still checked back in occasionally.  Starting YWBB was a wonderful thing, and I am forever grateful for it.  However, the way the closing of it was handled - with no real opportunity for people to step up and fund the board, hand it over to a new board, etc. - was selfish and narrow-minded.  There is just no other way to put it, IMHO.  Had they given people a real, honest chance to raise funds to keep it going, hand it over to others who might have had more energy/desire to keep it going, etc. that would have been different.  But they didn't, and it wasn't right. 

 

That said, it's done, and I knew there was nothing I could do about it except figure out how to live with it.  As so many others here have said, it was "a great disturbance in the Force", and another form of loss for so many of us, even if we were no longer actively posting.  It's another aspect of our lives that has died.  And so, yes, grief, strange though it may seem.

 

I don't plan to post a lot either, but I may for a while pop in more than I have in the last few years, in part to help the board get going.

 

Hugs to all!

[klc]

Hi fleur,

 

At least you know you would be missed! Do what you gotta do, fellow Musketeer.

[Portside]

Well, I'm sticking around. I figure at roughly 8 years out my experiences of going through the meat grinder and coming out the other side in pretty fair shape may help someone, sometime. But, I sure as heck don't know everything and can always learn something new every day.

 

The phrase at the foot of my posts says it all for me.

 

If not for 'vets' of all types and in all walks of life, none of us would learn as quickly, or have any counsel that was based on experience. And that, in my little pea brain, would be a real loss.

 

Best wishes, Mike

[messageinabottle]

I will be honest too.  When the board said it was closing I was a bit shocked.  Yet on one hand I thought good all my deep, dark pain that I wrote is gone.  Completely gone.  I don't want to see it anymore.

In November it will be 10 years.  I will have had a much longer time without him than with him.

I have been posting lately as life circumstances have hit ...back to the old friend, the comfort.  It has truly been my life line for many years.  When he died I had a 5 1/2 mo old baby and was pregnant.  I was very isolated as a stay at home mom and the board allowed me to feel less invisible.  To be heard and seen by those who truly understood my deepest pains and biggest triumphs however small those seemed to others.

So I am at the crossroads too.  I am not sure I should even be here anymore.  Is it helping others?  Is it helping me? 

Should I go or stay?  Do I have anything to offer?  And where do I go when I have my grief "moments? 

A very odd feeling to possibly lose touch with people who literally threw me life lines over the years.

[Guest TooSoon]

You are all helping me.  The fact that you all rallied and came together to help make this new board work was deeply moving to me.  It reminded me that while we may all follow our own individual paths there is a purpose in having  a place to which we can return when we need it.  It also touched me to read posts of old friends reuniting.  That gives me a lot of hope as - as do all of the stories of lives that have been transformed and reinvented - I am still a novice on this journey and trying to find my way. 

[mokie]

I was thinking "What if it hadn't been there? What if there hadn't been a mokie or kmouse or fleur or all of the others?".

 

Awwww.... Thanks, Shelby!  :-*

[Eeyore]

I was thinking "What if it hadn't been there? What if there hadn't been a mokie or kmouse or fleur or all of the others?".

 

Awwww.... Thanks, Shelby!  :-*

Oh, sure -  mokie and kmouse and fleur are all so wonderful.  Nary a mention of poor old Eeyore.  :-\

 

Where's the shovel?  You may as well dig a hole and bury me.  :-X

[calimom]

 

 

Oh, sure -  mokie and kmouse and fleur are all so wonderful.  Nary a mention of poor old Eeyore.  :-\

 

Where's the shovel?  You may as well dig a hole and bury me.  :-X

 

 

Like Eeyore is chopped liver or something!  :

[mokie]

I was thinking "What if it hadn't been there? What if there hadn't been a mokie or kmouse or fleur or all of the others?".

 

Awwww.... Thanks, Shelby!  :-*

Oh, sure -  mokie and kmouse and fleur are all so wonderful.  Nary a mention of poor old Eeyore.  :-\

 

Where's the shovel?  You may as well dig a hole and bury me.  :-X

 

Oh brother... Where'd I put my teeny tiny violin??

;D

 

[Wheelerswife]

Okay, Mokie...that was funny.  I needed a laugh today.

 

Maureen

[lovedroses]

I was thinking "What if it hadn't been there? What if there hadn't been a mokie or kmouse or fleur or all of the others?".

 

Awwww.... Thanks, Shelby!  :-*

Oh, sure -  mokie and kmouse and fleur are all so wonderful.  Nary a mention of poor old Eeyore.  :-\

 

Where's the shovel?  You may as well dig a hole and bury me.  :-X

 

Now wait just a minute there, hoss.  I put 'Eeyore' right there in my post way back near the front end of this thread.   

[mokie]

Okay, Mokie...that was funny.  I needed a laugh today.

 

Maureen

 

 

 

The donkey knows I adore him (I think). 

[Lmsmdm]

I hate the fact that Ywbb died, but I love how the new board has brought so many familiar names to the surface!

 

I am not going to try to name them, as I would be afraid of missing one, and causing someone to feel slighted.

 

However, please post when you can, as the wisdom of the elder wids are what saved me early on as well.

[Guest look2thesky]

I don't think people writing what they feel who are further out should be hindered because it might frighten off newer members.

The setup of categories allows those who would possibly be alarmed of the farther out widow(er)s topics, to have the choice to not view or participate, in the threads. I do miss some of the members of the abandoned forum. Perhaps it will take some time for some to find this new forum. Obvious some may have moved on. I thought I would never have wanted to stay in a widow forum long. But there are people who are great writers, and much better at putting feelings into words, than myself. I always come back to read their wisdom.

[BrokenHeart2]

I agree L2TS, there are days where I can't go into the 0 to 6 months because the oh so raw pain brings me back to it and I don't have the strength to read or help. Other days I seek BAG for strength. Where are where we are and it the support and sharing that help all of us.

Hugs to all of you wherever you are in this journey of widowhood.