I don't want to play anymore...

[rifatheroffour]

So this is just a temper tantrum...feel free to read no further.

 

Work sucks...far too behind and no drive to get caught up. 

Don't want to make dinner anymore, just too damn much work. I'm not really hungry anyway, but what kind of example is that to set for my kids?

A woman in my office just got engaged this weekend, after being divorced for 15 years.  I'm having a hard time feeling excited for her! Which is really crappy of me.

My daughter is now babysitting for the kids of her old babysitter, the girl or now woman who Fal was like a second mother to...this is hard to take, reminding me how much my daughter has lost.

A woman I could love finds herself uninterested in loving anyone...

I am almost ready to say to hell with my moral compass and why not find a FWB? (I know that is probably just a mood talking)

I am crying harder this afternoon than I have in 8 months...just feeling overwhelmed.

I feel guilty for not having the time to do everything I THINK I should, spending more quality time with the kids, being more productive at work, being more involved with posting and supporting others on this site, just being there for friends.

 

I HATE THE LIFE I HAVE BEEN LEFT WITH AND DON"T KNOW HOW TO CHANGE IT!  I am so F#&^!$@ tired all the time.  I would not be upset if I suddenly found myself terminally ill, only my kids keep me from wishing for it.

 

I read about others 5, 6, 9 years out and still feeling like this and it terrifies me that I may be the same...going through life just because I have to...

 

And I know this is in contrast to a relatively good weekend doing something I enjoyed, spending time outside working with scouts and genuinely feeling happy but it was just an escape from the reality...it's coming back into reality that slaps me so hard every time.

 

Well it's out, I've almost deleted this a few times, but I guess venting is something I don't do often and have few places that I can, other than with you all.  Admitting some of this is very hard for me as I have always been the eternal optimist.  Always painting a rosy picture for others.  We even did this when Fal, DW, was ill and I now wish we had been more honest with ourselves and others sometimes.  This life has shaken that core of optimism and I rarely like to admit that.

 

You all give me more hope and strength than I get a chance to let you know, thank you. 

 

Guess I should head home and make some dinner...

[Wheelerswife]

Big hugs, my friend.  Keep breathing.

 

Maureen

[JeanGenie]

Sending you {hugs}. Wish I could be there to provide support and help... 

[Trying]

I will add my hugs. Reality does suck some times and the day to day never ending do it all yourself and go to bed alone can just be too much. Venting is good, I mostly do it here because no one else really wants to hear the same old thing so go ahead and have a temper tantrum. I get it and I care.

[MissingSquish]

Sending some hugs your way friend.

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

Totally get it brother. The only thing lately that even remotely reminds me of the happiness is when my Daughters and or Mom bring up pleasant memories, and sometimes even those are temporary triggers.

Boy do I get it.

[ieh21]

Yep. Relentless and unstoppable workload. So hard to keep ahead of it all. Temporary desire and need to drop it all (even, gasp! not cooking dinner for a week!) is not permanent and not an indicator of things to come. Remember Year One mantra: one breath, one day at a time.

 

(by the way, I wish I could go back to RI. Little Compton gave us the most amazing summer vacations.)

 

 

 

[Lmsmdm]

 

 

I so get this....Hugs

[hachi]

Hey Riff,

 

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, but really glad you are letting it out and not cramming it down and sucking it up the way you usually do. I think when we are caught up in our obligations and letting our own needs simmer on the back burner, it is bound to catch up with you.

 

With four teenagers and a business to run, I have often wondered how you keep it all together. Now I know (LOL) the same as some of the rest of us. You know that my kids are older and out of the house, so I am in total awe that you do what you do. I think you are entitled to rant and let go of the guilt. You are doing an amazing job.

 

I think maybe this is just a double whammy for you after having a little time to yourself. I know I feel a little more like this than usual after escaping for a while....

 

(( hugs ))

[donswife]

I don't think it was a temper tantrum , just the reality that this is all so hard 'and exhausting

I am so glad you vented here and I hope just getting some of this out can be a little bit of help

again with you on "used to be an optimist "  hard to keep that going

big hug to you

 

[Virgo]

I'm glad you didn't delete your thoughts. A lot, or probably most, of us feel the same way. It is overwhelming! There just isn't enough hours in the day to accomplish everything you want to do. "Fake it 'til you make it" comes to mind. I think a lot of us wids to that.  Do you get any time to yourself throughout the week? Maybe scheduling some 'me time' would help you recharge. I know that helps me. ((hugs))

[twistedmensa]

I am sooooo right there with you!

 

A little venting goes a long way.

[hikermom]

I also am glad you didn't delete this, RIFF. We can't always push it down - that doesn't help us or others.

 

This sucks - in so many ways. I get it - the exhaustion, the dissatisfaction with a job done half-assed, the loneliness (boy, do I get that!), the stress, the wondering if it will ever get better. You carry a lot - owning a business, four kids, leadership roles. That is pressure under the best circumstances but this is the worst circumstance. You can only do so much. If you can, cut yourself some slack. Give yourself permission to feel like this once in awhile. You'll find your way out again.

 

I wish I were closer. It would be nice to give you a hug in person but I'll just have to send it virtually. (((riff)))

[rifatheroffour]

Good morning...after dinner I crashed pretty hard...a good night's sleep more or less.  I hope that will help along with the words of encouragement I got last night before I fell asleep and those that I woke to.

 

Yes, this is hard, and I know I'm not alone out there despite how it feels sometimes. 

 

I liken this experience to having an allergy.  I ate this bitter pill yesterday and by the end of the day my body just threw it up because it knows keeping is down isn't healthy.  I feel better for now but the real trick will be figuring out how to better avoid that bitter pill going forward.  I know I'll encounter it again but hopefully each time I do a better job rejecting the bitterness and find another way out.

 

I do carry a lot and maybe that is part of the problem.  I have always been the put together one that everyone depends on to get things done.  Little do they know how much that ability has diminished over the last three years since Fal took her turn for the worse.  I need to find the way to shed some of the unreasonable responsibilities I feel compelled to carry...as I type this a huge thunderstorm is rolling in, heavy wind and rain, rolling thunder and spectacular lightening...a good cleansing of the earth, I could use some of this myself.

 

As I review some of the events of yesterday I realize it wasn't all bad.  I worked my way through two machine problems at work that I have in the past had to rely on others to fix, that made me feel good.  Within minutes of my "allergic" reaction to life I had friends reaching out to me.  I had a good and deep conversation with my oldest son about life.  Had a fun time exploring my third son's sense of self and strength as he challenged (positively) his father...I still can hold my own! So I need to focus more on these positives that are out there if I look for them.

 

Thanks for everything...while I hate this club and it's mere existence I can't imagine how I would have survived any of the last two and a half years that I've been in it without all of you.

 

Ok well time to get moving...another day of fun approaches...just got three calls.  This storm that I enjoyed just took a tree down on three of my tenants cars, is blocking my production managers route to get to work and I got a call that power is out at work.  Yipee it's so much fun to be me!  In the grand scheme at least I can recognize these are trivial issues...others can't seem to do that so well.

[canadiangirl]

Poignantly stated - thank you so much for sharing.  Adding my support and understanding (although I am not carrying the load that you are- I am full of admiration). 

[Captains wife]

Vent away RIFoF! You have a lot on your plate and none of this is easy. Sending support your way. Your comment on dealing with the trivial stuff while others can't is SO true. Take it easy out there- storms are brutal our way this morning.

[TMPPGH]

I read this today and this is exactly how I feel. Glad you are feeling better and hugs to you. Hope I can feel ok later today. I

Close behind you as your sadiversery is January and mine is March!

[hikermom]

Ok well time to get moving...another day of fun approaches...just got three calls.  This storm that I enjoyed just took a tree down on three of my tenants cars, is blocking my production managers route to get to work and I got a call that power is out at work.  Yipee it's so much fun to be me!  In the grand scheme at least I can recognize these are trivial issues...others can't seem to do that so well.

 

This is so true. When I'm not in a bad place, I have such greater perspective on issues that pop up. I'll take anything good out of this situation that I can and that is a pretty good thing.

 

Stay safe in those storms! I have lots of friends down in southeastern MA and have been following this storm via them.

[Missmybecky]

Sorry my friend, I understand how you feel as I am in your shoes. Day at time, do your best, drink some wine. Try to get some time for yourself if you can, I know how hard that is believe me, and get exercise it really is the best medicine.

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

I know it may be your financial business but maybe inform your kids it's your day take it off go to a tube river there's a nice one in Delaware off the jersey side and bring a waterproof camera and forget about what we go through, just for one day. I think that's what I'm going to do.

 

Or buy an old classic boat like I did, invest countless hours fixing and making it perfect, go blue fishing, and forget about how much money you've invested, but it sure does look nice ; )

[Guest TooSoon]

Hi RIFF,

 

I just wanted to let you know how much your post resonated.  As a teacher, this is a pretty blissful time of year but your post took me right back to where I was in May at the end of my semester when I was over committed, dissatisfied and not able to keep up or do anything well. 

 

Scott and I put a very positive public face on for the two years of his illness even though his diagnosis was terminal.  I now know that while that may have been right at the time, I paid a huge price for it after he died both in terms of what others' perceptions of were and also the belated realization that somewhere along the way through all of that, I lost all sense of self and my own identity.  Finding that again has been and is an ongoing work in progress.

 

I was also struck by yours and Hikermom's posts in that both reminded me how far we have all come.  Sometimes it takes reading someone else's perspective to be reminded that two and a half years ago we were so not so good.  We had no perspective.  We were cast out and lost and in excruciating pain.  But we've come a long, long way.  In an odd way, it gives me a lot of hope.

 

No answers and no platitudes from me; just empathy.  I get it. 

 

Sending you much love.  When in doubt I still go with, "Today is a new day."

 

 

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

It is so true and a similar situation to the above. My Wife had hundreds of friends, and a huge family. Adjusting to the post widowing took some work, as the family and friends part dissapeared. It took a lot of time adjusting to Identity issues. And the blame game brought on by some of the in laws, which was kind of expected. But not to the extent I was confronted with. This widowing thing is so hard.

[singinmomo4]

I'm glad you're feeling better after a good night's sleep.  We all need to vent sometimes and, as you already know, this is where everyone understands exactly what you are feeling. 

 

I also get very overwhelmed with the enormity of everything I need to do, everything I'm not able to do and just the day in, day out part of every day life.  I also prefer to be an optimist but find it much harder now.  I was always the one encouraging Rick when he worried (he was always worrying about something) and now, I feel like I've taken on his worry! 

 

We're all right here with you and ready to give you all the ((((hugs)))) and listening ears you need knowing you will be here for us when we come in and need them. 

[Lisa]

S3pending hugs.mI'm glad you shared. (((Hugs)))

[Baylee627]

Take a few deep breath and try a whiskey sour. Sometimes, on occasions as these, there's nothing to do for days like this but hand it a cocktail and take a self-imposed time out!

 

A yi yi. I'm so sorry. This is a lot on your plate.

 

Baylee