HELP!!! I'm scared shitless!!!!

[DavidsKtBeth]

I am so fucking scared.  I have never been more scared in my entire life.  I am 26 years old and I have lost my absolute best friend.  We were soulmates.  We were perfect together. People literally wanted to be us (as in have what we had).  He was perfect.

 

I look at posts on here from people almost a year in and they are sad.  I don't want to be sad anymore. I'm just going to list out the scariest things because to me it's easier that way.

 

1. Everyone has said you become a different person.  A new person. I don't want to be a new person.  What if that new person isn't his soulmate.  It probably doesn't sound rational.  But I'm scared.

 

2. I'm very young.  I know I shouldn't think about being in another relationship so soon but I can't help but think that there is no way that anyone will be as perfect as we were together.  No one will ever get me and love me the way he loved me. It's just not possible.  I will never have that love again.

 

3. I don't want to live another 50-60 years without him.  I can't.  But.. since we are weird we had talked about if something were to happen to one of us and I told him that if he died I would have to be put in a psych ward because I would try to kill myself right away and of course he told me not to do that so now I can't because I don't need him mad at me for the rest of eternity.. fucking asshole has to be looking out for me even after death

 

4. I had to move home after being gone the past 8 years.  I didn't keep in contact with a lot of friends from high school because I lived 4 hours away and now I feel like I'm crawling back years later wanting to reconnect and people are just going to be annoyed because I couldn't be bothered before Dave passed away.

 

5.  I'm scared shitless that I'm going to scare all my current friends away because of my grieving which I hear can be normal and the good ones stay, but I also don't want to completely ignore their feelings..

 

6. One of my good friends who I actually stayed in contact with had her baby about a week before Dave died and now every time I see the little girl I align Dave's death with how much she has grown.  It kills me.  Every time I see the baby I want to cry and she keeps trying to send me pictures of her with the baby shower gift I got her and it absolutely kills me. 

 

7. We had a little zoo.. 3 cats and a dog (Cooper).  Dave adored Cooper and when it's finally his time to go I am going to lose it.  I don't want that day to come.  Can my dog live forever since Dave was taken to soon?  Please?

 

8.  I'm supposed to be a bridesmaid in my sister's wedding in October.  I'm scared I'm going to get too much anxiety and ruin everything.. No one wants pictures of a bridesmaid with blood shot eyes.

 

9.  I have to be out of our apartment at the end of the month and I'm going to absolutely lose it.  It's where he proposed after 6.5 years. It's where we had our reception after our courthouse wedding <3 It's where we moved after his big promotion so we could start our lives.  We had finally made it.  Then it was taken away so quickly.

 

 

I don't want to be sad forever.

 

I fucking scared.  So fucking scared.  I just wish Dave was here to hold me and make everything better.

 

In case you want to see how perfect he was here is a memorial video that I already posted on another thread but I'll post it here too because I love it.

 

 

[Jess]

 

 

I look at posts on here from people almost a year in and they are sad.  I don't want to be sad anymore. I'm just going to list out the scariest things because to me it's easier that way.

 

I'm a list girl, too. Something about making order out of chaos calms me. So I am going to give you my thoughts on each one of these fears. But first, yes, people are still sad over a year out because this situation is insane and horrible. But, even though we are sad, we keep going and keep trying. There are different time tables for everyone so try not to compare yourself to others. It is so easy to say "I'm not doing as good as this person, what is wrong with me?" or "I'm doing better than this person, am I screwed up and avoiding grief?" Unfortunately, there is no predicting how your journey will go, but never assume you will be one way or another. You don't want to create self fulfilling prophecies.

 

 

1. Everyone has said you become a different person.  A new person. I don't want to be a new person.  What if that new person isn't his soulmate.  It probably doesn't sound rational.  But I'm scared.

 

I didn't want to be a new person, either. I railed against it. But, the sad truth was the moment my husband died without warning I was a new person and I had to make a decision as to who I wanted her to be. I wanted her to be kind and more patient. I wanted her to stop sweating the small stuff. I like to think I succeed more often than I fail at that, but who knows really? The truth is that the woman you are because of Dave is not going to fundamentally change into someone he wouldn't even like. You are just going to have a different outlook and perspective on things, but cherishing who he helped you become is part of his legacy.

 

2. I'm very young.  I know I shouldn't think about being in another relationship so soon but I can't help but think that there is no way that anyone will be as perfect as we were together.  No one will ever get me and love me the way he loved me. It's just not possible.  I will never have that love again.

 

I couldn't even stomach the idea of ever even entertaining feelings for someone else in my lifetime, yet somehow it happened and super early, too. He is kind, smart, funny, and wonderful, but he is not Joe. And you know what? That is a good thing. What Joe and I had was so unique and special it would be a fool's errand to try recreate it. I can honestly say I do not consciously compare the two men I have loved in my life. They are themselves and we are us together. Both are great in different ways. I know it is hard, but try not to fixate on this. What will happen will happen and you may surprise yourself with how much your heart can grow.

 

3. I don't want to live another 50-60 years without him.  I can't.  But.. since we are weird we had talked about if something were to happen to one of us and I told him that if he died I would have to be put in a psych ward because I would try to kill myself right away and of course he told me not to do that so now I can't because I don't need him mad at me for the rest of eternity.. fucking asshole has to be looking out for me even after death

 

When Joe died, I remember being held by each arm by people and taken outside because I couldn't breathe. I kept repeating over and over again "I can't do this!" and they kept saying "Yes, you can." I thought they were insane. How do I function without my other half? How do I find the will to get up each day and get out of bed. I wanted no part of it. But, I knew one thing. I couldn't let Joe down. He would be devastated if his death caused me not to live the life I have. So I try every day and for me personally, some days are still a struggle but I am keeping on with putting one foot in front of the other.

 

4. I had to move home after being gone the past 8 years.  I didn't keep in contact with a lot of friends from high school because I lived 4 hours away and now I feel like I'm crawling back years later wanting to reconnect and people are just going to be annoyed because I couldn't be bothered before Dave passed away.

 

I found it amazing how I reconnected with some people and how the time I neglected their friendship for my marriage was water under the bridge. Keeping in touch is a two way street. They were living their lives, too. Don't discount people. They may get it, but also know some people cannot handle grief. You don't know unless you try.

 

5.  I'm scared shitless that I'm going to scare all my current friends away because of my grieving which I hear can be normal and the good ones stay, but I also don't want to completely ignore their feelings..

 

Well, this is often, but not always, true. I hate it, but a common side effect of being a young widow is the great friend exodus. I now have very few close friends, but the ones that stuck around are real, true friends. It hurts like hell when people leave, but hold onto the close ones and let them know you appreciate them.

 

6. One of my good friends who I actually stayed in contact with had her baby about a week before Dave died and now every time I see the little girl I align Dave's death with how much she has grown.  It kills me.  Every time I see the baby I want to cry and she keeps trying to send me pictures of her with the baby shower gift I got her and it absolutely kills me. 

 

This is a normal reaction and it makes total sense why you feel this way. Essentially, the baby is a grief trigger for you. Maybe it will change over time, but if it gets to be too much you may want to just explain to your friend what her friendship means to you and how happy you are for her, but it is a little difficult for right now to see the pictures etc. and it doesn't mean you don't care, you may just need some time. Just a thought.

 

7. We had a little zoo.. 3 cats and a dog (Cooper).  Dave adored Cooper and when it's finally his time to go I am going to lose it.  I don't want that day to come.  Can my dog live forever since Dave was taken to soon?  Please?

 

I have four dogs and a turtle. One of the dogs was adopted by us the day before Joe died. It is going to be horrible dealing with each of them passing and I think about that more than I should, but it is what it is.

 

8.  I'm supposed to be a bridesmaid in my sister's wedding in October.  I'm scared I'm going to get too much anxiety and ruin everything.. No one wants pictures of a bridesmaid with blood shot eyes.

 

You still have a choice as to whether you should be a bridesmaid or not. I think it is likely you agreed before Dave passed, so she may understand if you put it in the terms of you are scared you will cry and distract people unintentionally during her special day. If you decide to still do it, you can absolutely do this. Love is always worth celebrating, even when your own heart is so very broken. I just want you to know you have choice and she should understand.

 

9.  I have to be out of our apartment at the end of the month and I'm going to absolutely lose it.  It's where he proposed after 6.5 years. It's where we had our reception after our courthouse wedding <3 It's where we moved after his big promotion so we could start our lives.  We had finally made it.  Then it was taken away so quickly.

 

I just moved out of the house we shared for almost 8 years. I so get it. It sucks. There's just so many memories and moving is work that you don't probably feel you have the energy for. You can do this. I so wish you didn't have to, but you can absolutely do this.

 

I don't want to be sad forever.

 

I fucking scared.  So fucking scared.  I just wish Dave was here to hold me and make everything better.

 

In case you want to see how perfect he was here is a memorial video that I already posted on another thread but I'll post it here too because I love it.

 

 

It is a wonderful video. Thank you for sharing it!

 

I know my grief will always be a part of me. The absence of my husband is shaping much in the way his presence did. My hope is that as time continues to pass, I will be able to focus more on gratitude that for a while, I was the most important person in the world to him and he was that to me. I think my heart will always carry the weight of his absence, but I think I always will become better at carrying that weight.

 

For now, just keep breathing.

[Wheelerswife]

Oh, sweetie!  I wish I was near you (wherever that might be!)  This is all so fresh for you and you are experiencing all of the horrors of losing a beloved spouse at such an awfully young age.  It isn't supposed to be this way!  I know that.  Well, we all know that!

 

Death changes us.  I believe in many ways it can make us better people.  Some may disagree, but death has made me a more sensitive person and a better spouse the second time around.  You won't be this sad and this scared forever.

 

No one will be the man you lost.  I lost my first husband 6 years ago and months into the widow journey, I met another wonderful man.  I'm not one who believes in soulmates, but one widow put it this way for someone who was struggling with this concept:  Your husband was the soulmate for the person you were before.  A second man can be the soulmate for the person that you become.

 

I struggle sometimes because my second husband was so incredible that I wonder if I will ever find someone who will love me as well as he loved me.  But...I found my second husband after losing my first.  Why couldn't I find another man who is that capable of love?  In time, I hope I can believe this for myself again.

 

My first husband had a progressive disabling condition that I knew would kill him too young.  I allowed myself to fall in love with him and I married him anyways.  When I met my second husband, I had that vision for a future together that I never had with my first husband.  After less than 4 years, I lost him, too.  My plans for my future were snatched away.  My heart was truly broken...and still is.  I'm sad and I miss him terribly.  I've survived somehow, through the support of really great people (mostly widow friends) I am still upright and moving after 19 months.  We have all done the impossible.  We have kept breathing when it seemed like all we could imagine was wanting to die, too.

 

Your address book might change a bit after the death of a spouse.  People don't necessarily know what to do with us.  I've managed this better since the death of my second husband.  It is hard to forgive people who injure us (mostly coming from good intentions) with the words they say or from the words that are unsaid.  I am better at stopping people before they say anything too offensive and I try to explain things to people (what real grief is like, what to say, to encourage them to talk about my husbands...) 

 

There are people here who are as young as you are.  There are people here who had very short marriages (or didn't even get the chance to marry.)  We all know that your loss is horribly painful and no less valid than those of us who had longer marriages or were able to have children with a spouse.  I'm glad you are sharing your pain here.  It's a safe place.

 

You may want to talk to your sister and let her know of your concerns about the wedding.  Someone might be assigned to watch out for your well-being that day and in the events leading to that day.  Is there anyone you trust that can help you escape the festivities if you get overwhelmed?  Sit on the end, away from the attention.  Or let your sister know that being in the wedding party might just be too much for you.

 

Moving is going to be difficult.  I'm sorry.  There are others here who also had to move when they didn't feel ready.  I moved a year after my first husband died.  It wasn't so bad.  It is now 19 months since my second husband died and I can't yet fathom the process of going through many of his things. 

 

If I was near you, I'd come hug you.

 

I'm sorry you have to be here, but I'm glad you are talking.

 

Maureen

[DavidsKtBeth]

Thank you guys!  Everything you said was perfect!  I clearly was having a melt down haha.. I obviously am feeling those things all the time.  It's funny how a melt down like that is so similar to feeling drunk (which I was not).. Luckily I had a friend come and pick me up and take care of me

 

As for my sister's wedding it's great advice! I'll probably be paired with my older cousin to walk down the isle so I will be safe.. and there are 10 bridesmaids so hopefully people won't even notice me.. but let's face it.. 99% of the people there will know I'm the widow.. which is fine.. I just hate when people focus on me (hence our courthouse wedding lol)

 

 

Thanks again!  I've only been a part of this group for 3 days and it has already saved me!!!!!

[canadiangirl]

DavidsKtBeth, glad you are feeling better - the replies to your post were great here.  I am also a list person, and #6 on your list is so poignant - thank you for sharing that.  In terms of sadness and its duration, I wanted to chime in and support what Jess said - everyone is on a different time table.  I am 19 months out; I am still sad, but instead of a shroud my sadness has become like a cape.  Sometimes I want to wear it, to hide myself in it, to shield myself from the world when I am feeling envy or isolated or a sense of injustice. I think it's healthy to feel it when I need to.  But there are also times when I want to -and can- shed the cape, put it aside, even put it away for a while.  That's some progress, I think.

 

We all have real lives where we smile and laugh and get through the day, sometimes requiring superhero-like effort, capes invisible to others. If sometimes these boards feel like a wall of hurt and sadness, remember that this is where people are able to let it all flap out, as it were. 

 

[donswife]

totally get the scared shitless part !! well everything you wrote I understand

Can't reply any better than what Jess wrote

I will give you the prospective of the wedding , you will be surprised at how well people might react to you

Last weekend was my Nephews wedding , I am from a huge family so hadn't seen a bunch of people since the funeral

They were all great but I do remember going in thinking I would get that awful pity look the whole time and people would avoid my like the plaque

but got lots of hugs and a few small quiet toast on Don's honor (little bits of random tears)..then lots of fun distraction of a wonderful wedding

PS love the comment of these meltdowns feeling like a drunk post ,,, so very true but also freeing

[Jess]

DavidsKtBeth, glad you are feeling better - the replies to your post were great here.  I am also a list person, and #6 on your list is so poignant - thank you for sharing that.  In terms of sadness and its duration, I wanted to chime in and support what Jess said - everyone is on a different time table.  I am 19 months out; I am still sad, but instead of a shroud my sadness has become like a cape.  Sometimes I want to wear it, to hide myself in it, to shield myself from the world when I am feeling envy or isolated or a sense of injustice. I think it's healthy to feel it when I need to.  But there are also times when I want to -and can- shed the cape, put it aside, even put it away for a while.  That's some progress, I think.

 

We all have real lives where we smile and laugh and get through the day, sometimes requiring superhero-like effort, capes invisible to others. If sometimes these boards feel like a wall of hurt and sadness, remember that this is where people are able to let it all flap out, as it were.

 

I love, love, love the cape analogy. I may steal this to explain it to friends. Thank you!

[DavidsKtBeth]

I LOVE the cape analogy too!!

 

And luckily with the wedding, I have already been to one (two weeks after Dave passed) and I was fine for the most part.  The vows were tough but the reception was fun! Lots of toasts to Dave   & I only have 3 more weddings to get through this summer!  Dave's brother is actually flying in to be my date at my cousin's wedding and his family is invited to my sister's wedding.  I know for sure that at least his best friend is coming down to support me, and I also have a big family!  Luckily, I have seen them since the wedding so they have an idea of the state of mind I am in.  For the most part I'm excited because we get to celebrate a love like Dave and I had.

 

I hope this thread helps other people scared too! I figured other people are scared shitless so I could just start it off.  I even see it as I am lucky because we didn't really have any assets, I don't have to worry about a mortgage - I'm moving in with my parents rent free, I'm not a single parent, even his student loans were all forgiven and the credit card companies can't come after me I guess because I wasn't on the cards in any way shape or form.

 

I would highly suggest anyone out there reading this thread who isn't signed up to just sign up and vent!  I was literally sobbing typing the thread last night and just writing it out made me feel better!!! It's seriously amazing..

 

Thank you everyone! Sorry for the babble!

[Jen]

(((((HUGS)))))

 

I'm glad you're feeling better. This is such a hard road... it sucks, to be perfectly honest. Don't ever apologize for "babbling"-- this is our safe space to get it all out. Better out than in!

 

Keep breathing. You can do this. You're not alone.

[Chrispy89]

Hiya,

 

I too am young (25) and felt/feel many of the things you do. I am 11 months out... I don't feel like I have come far, but my friends would disagree. As for your sisters wedding, I was the maid of honour at my best friends wedding last month. My partner was meant to be best man... I thought I would be broken on the day. I only got the 'blergh' feeling once, which lasted about 10 seconds. Otherwise for the rest of the day I was just being there for my friends. It was their day and I just wanted them to be happy... One sweet touch we did was had a photo of my partner in my bouquet.

 

This journey isn't easy. And it isn't fair, especially when things are so perfect and you are so happy. It's a long way to fall... But somehow we keep going, and you will too.

 

Message me if you need to.

 

Best wishes.

 

[DavidsKtBeth]

THANK YOU SO MUCH CHRISPY!!!N That is exactly what I needed to hear about the wedding!! Maybe I'll ask my sister about the picture!!

[Mizpah]

Oh, babe.  From 4+ years out, these are my reactions to your statements, and I hope they provide some something for you.

 

(1) Maybe people "change."  But I don't think so.  I think grief just "magnifies" who you are.  It would be crazy if it didn't change you, I suppose, because the things that happen to us, the things we see and experience, big and small, all contribute to who we are.  I don't feel changed.  It's for the good and bad.  Sometimes I wish I was more changed - like I *know* that life's too short for this or that, but I still get caught up in shit like work stress, etc. 

 

(2) I was 32.  I truly, deeply believed I was not capable of loving anyone again.  When he was alive, I saw only him.  When he was gone, I saw only that not one person on earth was him.  At about 15 months, I forced myself to go out with some guy who was very nice but I felt nothing for, kind of for life practice.  It was beneficial to me, though extremely upsetting at first (when he first kissed me, I cried - DH was no longer the last man to have kissed me).  At about 2 years out, I made a pilgrimage to where DH was from and I came alive again during the trip.  I had a vacation fling and when I came back, I got involved with a widower I'd recently met and had been shocked to find I had chemistry with.  I felt something.  I felt things about life, and I felt things for a man.  All the exciting stuff of new relationships: infatuation, lust, obsession, adoration, deep caring, huge friendship, all of it.  Two years later, we live together and have a daughter - who, miraculously, is the happiest girl ever.  One of the YWBB widows on my timeline used to get extremely angry when anyone would suggest she may one day be with someone again - she's getting married next month.  (Letting myself grieve fully, deeply, completely - I think it's why I was able to "bounce back.")

 

(4) I too moved home.  Not because of DH dying, but because I was pregnant and was in a long-distance relationship with BabyDaddy.  I NEVER thought I'd ever return home.  I was gone for almost two decades.  I find that people are more flexible than we think.  They won't all hold that against you - maybe none will.  Also, I moved to "boyfriend island" when I got together with DH.  I now tell people that I'm sorry I disappeared, but also that I'm so glad I spent every second I did with him, and am so glad we just devoted ourselves totally to each other.  It sounds like "playing the widow card," but it's actually the truth.

 

(5) Some, you will.  I lost a few, one of them my absolute best friend.  I thought I'd miss them.  I don't miss one of them.  Your life will look different.  It hurt at first, but now I'm glad that I don't have those people in my life.  There's something about each one that I lost that explains why they weren't there for me, why they couldn't handle it, why they weren't good friends. 

 

(6) I have a friend's baby like that too.  Totally know the feeling.  It gets crazier over time, as they get bigger and bigger.  (I also have a physical reaction every time I hear about them getting Osama bin Laden, because it happened the weekend DH died.)

 

(8) Weddings can be HARD.  Prepare support people ahead of time to be there for you.  Have a plan in place in case you need it - tissues, waterproof makeup, "know the exits," have people there who will give you little "hey, you alright?"s. 

 

(9) I had to move on the 5-month anniversary of DH's death - could no longer afford our apartment.  It was wrenching.  I got inside our closets and wrote where it was not visible to anyone (unless people get into closets!) little lovenotes in pencil to DH.  I felt like leaving our home was like the wind blowing sand over his footprints at the beach or something.  It killed me inside.  It was the idea of it and the anticipation much more than the eventual reality, which I think was actually good for me. 

 

Thinking of you and sending huge hugs.

[gracelet]

Can I add to the cape analogy?

 

My cape can protect me and hide me but it's also a superhero cape.  I have literally defied all expectations and surprised people (and myself) with my superpowers that are getting me through this shit.

 

I should change my screen name to Wonderwidow.

[canadiangirl]

You are 100% Wonderwidow, gracelet!  If the cape fits, wear it!

[Aspen530]

I'm having a scared shitless day.  I can't stop thinking I wish it were me.

 

I'm gonna try to list my fears too perhaps it will help

   

  1.  I don't know who I am without him and I don't really want to find out. 

  2. I go back grad school on Wednesday, terrified

  3. Not hearing his laugh may actually kill me

  4.  These panic attacks will never stop

  5. I will always be this broken and angry

  6. I won't survive this

 

I've been up since 4am it feels like I'm going crazy, that I'm living someone else's  life and this can in no way be mine forever

 

I think i scared my mom this morning mid panic attack saying, I wish I was dead.

  I didnt mean hurt myself, I just wish it was my time too

 

7. People are afraid to hear what I'm really thinking.

[Justin]

Aspen,

 

I think all of us here went through a period where although we didn't think about self-harm, we would have been quite content to curl up and die, too. You are going through a really tough period of personal hell right now. And that is exactly what it is: a personal hell that even our closest loved ones can't imagine - unless they have spouse or love a love this way.

 

I am finding out who I am every day. I was married two months shy of my 20th birthday, and was married for over 21 years.  The Justin who I am now is not the same in every way - and I wouldn't expect him to be. The gift of perspective is that I am learning that although I am different, I like the new "me", too. I would have never wished to learn about myself this way by losing my wife, but I am actually excited to see changes in myself that this growth is bringing.

 

Hang on right now: every day, hour , minute, and second. That's all you can do. Take good care of yourself and ride out the storm. It will get better. It's just going to take some time to adjust, but you will. So much of this journey is about perspective, and that will come with time. I was about 3 months out before I had any idea that I could even laugh and have fun again. Now, a bit over a year, I find that most days are good. I still miss Marsha terribly, but she is gone and my daughter and I are still here. It's up to us to enjoy life - something that Marsha doesn't have and in some ways I feel a responsibility to live mine to the fullest. Time doesn't heal all wounds, but it sure makes it easier to live with them.

 

Please feel free to talk with us here whenever you want to - we get it. Our friends and loved ones often can't bear to see our pain, because it hurts them so much and there isn't anything they can do to fix our broken hearts. This is a pain that no one can empathize with unless they have experienced it. Lean on us.

[jlp]

Justin is right.  For about the first two months, I didn't care if I lived or died.  I would never have the courage to off myself, but feeling this way is perfectly normal.  It is also quite normal to feel you are losing your mind.

 

You are still very early in.  If you haven't done so, you might want to schedule an appointment with your doctor.  It's very important that you take care of your physical health now as best you can.  He might be able to prescribe some Xanax or something to help with the panic attacks.

 

I hope going back to school won't be too overwhelming.  With any luck, it may provide some focus and diversion.

 

There is probably nothing you are thinking that at least one of us here hasn't thought, too, so please keep posting.  And I learned early on it was critical to try to stay in moment as much as possible -- looking too far into the future gave me huge anxiety.

 

 

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, Aspen,

 

I hear your anxiety loud and clear.  I developed anxiety and panic attacks just after my second husband died.  I realized quickly that I needed help and I went to my doctor for medication and to the counseling department at my university.  Both have helped tremendously.  I also went back to classes 11 days after my husband died.  Everyone knew my story at school, since my husband was a well-know professor, but I talked to my professors about my struggles and people were unbelievably supportive.

 

I was floating around in school, on my way to a second Bachelors (I graduated 30 years after my first one) and I still didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up (again).  That certainly added to my feelings of anxiety and lack of control.  Time, though, helped be solidify what I wanted to do and gave me the focus to choose a grad school program.  I've just started my second semester of my Master's in Higher Education Student Affairs.  Folks in your Student Affairs office will care about your situation and your well-being.  I'd advise you to make an appointment to talk to someone and to talk to your professors as well.

 

I was incredibly angry that my husband died in the prime of his career and when we were so happy together.  I was angry for him, his students, his colleagues and for myself.  Anger got me through the first semester after he died.  Something has to get us through the time.  Being angry was easier than being sad for me.  Having school, having to be in the classroom every day, having deadlines for assignments...these things gave me a reason to get out of bed, to interact with people, and to put one foot in front of the other.

 

So far, this plan has gotten me through over 19 months.

 

Feeling like we would be okay to die is very common.  It isn't the same as being suicidal.  I had medical issues after my second husband died, had surgery and was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer.  I just wanted it to kill me quickly.  Some people on this board who know me can verify that I actually said that.  Well, the cancer hasn't come back.  My anxiety and panic are under better control.  I miss my husband terribly, but I don't want to die.  This was supposed to be my second chance for happiness and it ended with my second husband's death just under 4 years into our love story. 

 

I know from experience that it is possible to find happiness again.  People find it in different ways.  For me, I hope to find great love #3 and launch myself into a new career in Higher Education Student Affairs.  But it is only going to come one day at a time.

 

Take some deep breaths.  Find what works to get through your panic attacks.  Talk to your doctor, a counselor, your advisor, your professors.  And feel free to PM me if there is anything that I can do to help you...or just to listen.

 

Maureen

[Jess]

Aspen, shortly after Joe died the ebola scare happened. I found myself thinking "Excellent! Bring it on!" Now, to someone not going through our kind of loss, that thought would be terrifying. But really, to me anyways, there is a huge difference between wishing a meteor would just land on my house and end this awfulness and seeking out a volcano to jump into. To others, the distinction is to subtle to them to realize there is an actual distinction at all.

 

At over a year out, I personally am at a spot where I no longer wish for a plague or meteor. The feeling can go away. Just give it time.

[Aspen530]

I'm working w my dr and seeing a grief counselor .. So I hope they can get it right. Put me on an antidepressant but it keeps me awake at night.. Which makes my anxiety even worse... Leading to more panic attacks.

 

Thank god for Xanax but I feel like it's bad for me

 

Does anyone have suggestions for how to get through the mornings. When I wake up  (early as hell) I'm back in my nightmare n I can't deal

[Wheelerswife]

I woke up a lot in the middle of the night myself.  It was easier to stay up really late and hope my sleep hours got me from 1:00 AM till 5:00 AM.  I still take Xanax to go to sleep at night, though I'm not really sure I need it all the time.  I'm not yet willing to let go of the crutch, I guess.  I still try to stay up fairly late...till near midnight.  I can sleep till 6:30 now.

 

I don't know where you live or what time zone you are in, but I was a regular in the chat room at night for at least my first 6 months.  You might check it out.  I connected with some awesome people when I was there, many of whom I eventually met in person.

 

If you are comfortable....and I know a lot of people aren't...try sending a PM to someone here that you relate to well, often someone with similar circumstances or someone just ahead of you or right with you on your timeline.  That can turn into a lifeline as well.  People in a similar stage can often relate best.  Quite honestly, those of us who are further out than you actually do forget exactly what it is like to be freshly widowed...and I think that is actually a hopeful thought. 

 

Hugs to you,

 

Maureen

[SoVerySad]

Aspen, I remember well how much I dreaded mornings. It was like reliving being told he was dead over and over again. I would wake hopeful it had all been a nightmare. Then I would see the photo I'd framed of my husband for his memorial service and realize the awful truth. It was so painful.

 

I tried to have things I left to do in the mornings so I had to get up to do them. The sooner I got into doing something to take my mind off things a little, the better I did. Some days I just had to give myself the time and space to feel it all, though. There was no way for me to contain it for long periods. I had to let go and let those emotions out.

 

Sending you tight, tight hugs...

[Jen]

I'm having a scared shitless day.  I can't stop thinking I wish it were me.

 

I thought this nearly constantly for months. Sometimes I still think it. Last night, for example, I wrote in my journal (for the 8 millionth time), "I'm done, I can't do this anymore, please can I just go now? Please??" I'm not saying this to scare you, but to let you know you are *so* not alone. ((((hugs))))

 

I'm gonna try to list my fears too perhaps it will help

   

  1.  I don't know who I am without him and I don't really want to find out. 

 

Me neither. I resent being forced to find out-- I was good with who I was, thanks much. I was happy being Jim's wife. No, things weren't perfect, either personally or in our marriage, but they were pretty darned good. On the bright side... if you won't punch me for saying that (not that I'd blame you)... I've discovered some things about me that are surprising, but... well, kinda cool. And I like me now. Maybe more than before, honestly.

 

  2. I go back grad school on Wednesday, terrified

 

I went back to school when I was 4 months out. It was scary-- I didn't think my wid brain could retain anything long enough to get through a class. But I did it, I made it through a whole semester, and I'm still doing it. It helps that it gives you something completely unrelated to think about, I think.

 

  3. Not hearing his laugh may actually kill me

 

I get this. I so get it... I'm tearing up just thinking about it, actually. ((((more hugs)))))

 

  4.  These panic attacks will never stop

 

They will. I believe they will. It may take a little extra help and time, but the Xanax won't be permanent. When my SSRI was keeping me awake, I changed the time of day I took it. Is that a possibility? If not, maybe your doctor could try another med? My 2 cents, spend as you like: antidepressants can help, but they can't fix it. We still have to go through the grief. It's hard and it sucks donkeys, but you can do it, and you are not alone, I promise.

 

 

5. I will always be this broken and angry

 

Sigh. I want to tell you that you won't be... but I can't, since I'm still as broken and angry (and scared and sad and lonely and... ) as it's possible to be. All I can say is that it won't always be so... acute. I look at wids who are further out, and they're largely okay. Not great, time does NOT heal all wounds, but they're better. I think. I hope.

 

  6. I won't survive this

 

Good news/bad news on this one, and it's the same news: you will. We do. A lot of the time we don't want to, but we do, because every one of us here is about a gazillion times stronger than we ever gave ourselves credit for. Just don't think you have to do it by yourself, because you don't. The road through hell is dark and frightening and downright miserable at times, but the company is excellent. Sometimes that's the one thing I hang onto.

 

I've been up since 4am it feels like I'm going crazy, that I'm living someone else's  life and this can in no way be mine forever

 

I think i scared my mom this morning mid panic attack saying, I wish I was dead.

  I didnt mean hurt myself, I just wish it was my time too

 

I still say it and write it in my journal: "THIS IS NOT MY LIFE!!!!!" It can't be. How can it be??? It does feel crazy and out of control and impossible to grasp. And I still say "I wish I were dead" quite regularly. I'm not suicidal-- been there, it's horrible-- but it would be just fine with me if a meteor fell on my on my way home from work. I guess that's a terrible attitude, but I can't help it. I'm working hard to find reasons to want to be here, but it's difficult. We'll get there. Just hold on. People keep telling me that, so I'm telling you: hold on.

 

7. People are afraid to hear what I'm really thinking.

 

Oooohhhh yes. It took me awhile to learn to keep my mouth shut. When people asked how I was, I started saying, "Do you want the real answer, or the nice answer?" The nice answer was something like "I"m surviving, it's hard, but I'm okay." The real answer was "HOW DO YOU THINK I'M DOING MY HUSBAND DROPPED DEAD AND MY LIFE IS OVER AT 39 F******G YEARS OF AGE!!!!!!! I'M TERRIFIED OUT OF MY WITS!!!!!!!" Now I just say "I'm making it" and move on. The people who love you know you're not okay, but they love you anyway; no one else really matters.

 

I wish I had a foolproof fix-- or that waving my magic wand would poof! it all away. All I can say is... the time passes. Eventually we start to realize that maybe, in some tiny way or another, we're beginning to heal. I don't know if recovery is possible, but there is... improvement. We just have to keep going.

 

I'm sorry this is so freaking long, but you remind me so much of myself a year ago, I couldn't not post it. I'm so, so sorry you have to be here. So many hugs to you...