sharing MY bed

[klim]

Any stories/ any advice.... will I be able to??

 

here's the scoop.

 

I have a boyfriend whom I have been dating for almost 2 years ( with a 4 month hiatus thrown in there somewhere)

We are actively intimate ( is that a fair term to explain it?) at his apartment, on holidays....never at my house. Totally makes sense. I have two teen boys and he lives by himself.

 

This September both my boys will be heading away to university...

 

A game changer. Now my house will be available. My house is nicer.....

it will make sense we hang out here and that leads to this question......will I be able to share my bed.....the one that was "our " bed.....the one in which room dh's ashes sit.

 

Thoughts?????

 

Sometimes I'm practical and say what difference does it make,,,and sometimes I can't ever imagine sharing my bed.

[Trying]

With 3 kids it's not something that happens very often but we have taken advantage of the kids being away a few times and been at my old house, in the bed and room I shared with DH.  It was definitely a little weird at first but somehow easier than I had thought it would be.  I had new bedding and put away my wedding photo and obvious things of Tim's that I still had out at that point out of respect for new guy.  The first time was weird for him too and he was worried about how I would handle it and asked many times if I was alright. 

 

For me, having him in our old kitchen or fixing something in the old house was harder than the bedroom.  In my new house I don't have the same reaction to him using the grill or fixing something.

 

Side note, DH died in our bedroom, in a hospital bed right next to our bed, that probably should have made it harder but it didn't. 

[gracelet]

This is an interesting one.

 

How does your bedroom look these days? Is it the same as when DH was alive? Aside from ashes, are there any pictures of him in there?

 

I too worried about introducing someone new to my room. My ex was fully aware that Wife died in the room and how (suicide) and seemed to be ok with it, of all the rooms in the house! She didn't feel comfortable in the rest of it.

 

For me, being in my bed with someone else is somewhat empowering. Like I'm moving forward, comfortable in my own skin, in MY bed, not mine and wife's bed. I did redecorate and re carpet so it's pretty much unrecognisable. I have a new bed frame but a the same mattress.

 

Thus far, with the other women I've brought home (yes, I'm a bit of a player), I haven't revealed that wife died right under where they are sleeping. It's probably a bit of a passion killer. I have no photos of her in here (I'm in bed as I type, hehe) and I will keep it that way, regardless of relationship status.

 

For your new partner though, he knows what he's signing up to, right?

[Guest Mel4072]

Klim, my LH passed away in mr BR, in my bed. About 5 months later, I purchased a new mattress. (It was about 11 years old anyway). Over the last 2 1/2 years, I changed everything. New bed and bedding first. The frame is the same. I read about bedroom energy and fend shui and followed the recommendations. I took all of his pictures out of my room. Changed curtains, rearranged furniture, etc. the only thing I didn't do was wash the walls/ repaint  the room. I'm guessing that you keep the ashes in the BR to have him close to you. The thing about it is we are psychological and spiritual beings. Yesterday, my fianc? went into my BR to charge his phone and that unsettled me. I would say that's the psychologist part because I had a very deep seated belief when LH passed that I would never be in love again. NG has changed that. I even love the imperfections he has. I've learned to take time with these emotions. I would love to share my bed with my fianc?. I enjoy his company and feel safe with him. But if it became a reality to face, I am sure that some unexpected emotions would surface. Be patient and maybe make a few changes at a time. There are no real answers just time and trial and error. Good luck!

[Guest mawidow]

My husband died next to me in our bed. Thus, I had to get a new mattress right away. I also changed the room enough so that I didn't wake up to the same view as before he died. A bf slept over a few times, but it made him really uncomfortable. His anxiety and discomfort prompted me to realize that I was also uncomfortable in the room. Eventually I gave away the bed frame and moved out of our old place entirely. I sleep much better and it's much nicer to share a new bed with someone. Sending support to you!

[Sugarbell]

Ok...I am expecting most to think it's weird...but...

 

I sage my bedroom every Sunday evening. Gets any residual energy (even energy from just me from the week and burn frankensence sticks.

 

My guy friend has no idea I do this.

 

Also plants in the bedroom absorb any old negative stuff.

 

Of course....I can't sleep ALL night with anyone...No matter whose house/hotel, etc. Before the end of the night I always end up on the couch or guest room...But I was that way with DH too....Just a picky sleeper

[klim]

Thank for  all the insights

 

New guy knows what he signed up for and has been very understanding so far.

 

As all steps in this odd rprocess, I expect I'll figure it out eventually.

 

So far I think I like the idea of plants.........just cause I like plants and it never has been part of the bedroom before. It would make it seem new and different.

 

Onwards and forwards

 

[patriciad]

Ok.  After reading all the comments I think I must be REALLY weird. 

MY DH had cancer and was kind of bed/bedroom bound for his last few months.  We camped out there.  Had visitors there(it is a big bedroom).  And he died in the bed.

I love my bed.  It was a luxury purchase(king sized tempurpedic).  I kept the bed and slept on "my" side after he died.  Fast forward-I meet new DH.  He also loved memory foam beds.  We kept it and sleep on it quite comfortably.  I guess I didn't give it a lot of thought.

I did redecorate the WHOLE bedroom.  New furniture(which #2 helped pick out before we got married). Took off the wallpaper and painted.  New floors,  Eventually a new bathroom off bedroom.

I guess it was different enough that it didn't bother him.  We just got home from vacation last night and all he could say was that he missed his bed.  Go figure.

There obviously are no pics all over or mementos of DH1.  It is completely our space.

 

Do whatever works for you.  No rule books on this whole widow thing.

 

Pat

[Guest Mel4072]

SB, I don't think it's weird. I understand it.

[Brenda]

I did the "sleeping on deathbed" thing for a while; felt as if there was some connection between wife and I by doing so.  But then it got creepy.  Mattress (which was all bloody anyway - probably TMI) was taken to the dump and the nice frame was donated.  Ashes were in the room too, although in a closet.  I know it would have been relatively soon after her death back then, but even now the chances of me being "actively intimate" with someone else on that same bed had I kept it would have been waaaaaay too triggering.  And I don't want to bring those kinds of feelings into any new relationship.  It was bad enough trying to be "actively intimate" with myself on that bed when the mood arose (again, TMI); even that brought back memories of being with her, which always led to memories of how much I miss her, which led to tears and sexual frustration.

 

Moving forward many months, I've been steadily clearing out the old and bringing in the new, trying to focus on the bedroom as well.  And the last new thing to bring in will be (hopefully) someone else to share the rest of my life with once I've gotten comfortable with the level of physical memory items in the house.  But no new partner in my house until the bedroom is entirely mine.  No photos, no ashes, no previously-shared beds, no nothing.  That stuff will be kept elsewhere in the house.  I'd like a clean start.

 

I see it as almost like the rule of "never take your phone or laptop to bed".  Never take a deceased spouse to bed.  Being "actively intimate" (which is my new favorite euphemism - we are talking about sex, right, or have I totally missed the point of this thread?) is something that really should be between me and a new partner only, and I'd strongly prefer - for my own mental health - to never, ever think about my deceased spouse while being fucked "actively intimate".  It's not fair on anybody, deceased spouse included.

 

Spare bedroom?  Sofa?

[fairlanegirl]

No Patricia it is not weird! I expected to feel strange and didn't, and new partner and I still using same bed years later. I guess it is one of those things - stuff you expect to affect you doesn't, and stuff you didn't expect to does.

[klim]

So went with plants and new curtains and rearranged photos, etc.

 

Asked for an innocent nights sleep first so I could adjust.

 

But in the end all is good in the land of activley intimate...........

 

except game changed again, my son had difficulty transitioning to university so is back home.

 

Regrouping is in order for him and me.

 

Onward and forward.

 

[Quixote]

Not actively intimate, but things are different now that I moved out of our old place and gave away our bed.  I used to "feel" her a lot more in my sleep, had to sleep with a pillow against my back so I couldn't sense the void.  Now I have a bunk bed, with my dog on the bottom bunk; I'm less haunted by her presence.  Not entirely sure I like that, but I suppose if I ever met a girl and brought her home it would make things easier.  Except for the fact that there's barely enough room in my bed for me let alone two people.  Also, my dog barks in her sleep.

 

That wasn't really helpful, was it?

[Nuggets]

John died in our bed, in our bedroom ~~ and one of the first acts I did was change it to MY space.  I knew I wanted to stay in the house for a long time... we bought that house so we wouldn't move until both kids were done school (youngest still had 5 years of school) and it was almost paid for (I did discharge the small mortgage with life insurance funds) ~~ so there was good motivation to stay.

 

Once the morgue left, my mom and I stripped the bed down, we piled the furniture up in the middle of the room and washed the walls... over the next 6 weeks, I painted (John would have hated the colour), bought a new bedroom set (he would have hated that too ) and bought new bed linens (he would have hated them too!) but kept the mattress and box spring because we paid a fortune for it and it was still fairly new.

 

The purge was SO SUCCESSFUL that I didn't invite anyone for a sleepover for about 6 years because it was MY SPACE and I didn't have to share it.  I did in the 10 years I was in the house after John died ~ twice.  And I don't think either of the invitees realized the significance of their invitation ~ but both had a very pleasant time. 

 

If you view the space as your husband's you might have a hard time ~ my suggestion is to claim the space for yourself either metaphorically (I also smudge often ~~ I grew up in a First Nations life, and it is cleansing) or by declaration.

 

 

[lcoxwell]

Okay, I seriously have no useful thoughts to add to this conversation, but reading your post reminded me of a bit of twisted humor and a pretty good laugh, my Kenneth and I had, at one point in time. There was a time, when we were discussing having him cremated, so I could keep his ashes with me, in case I decided to move back to NC. A few minutes later, Kenneth brought up to topic of me dating again. Out of nowhere, he told me that, if I chose to bring a man over and invite him into my bed, I had better remember to stick him in the closet, first. He said he didn't want to see me "doing the nasty" (his words) with some other man. I just have to smile, every time I think about it.

 

Correction, I do have one thing to add to the conversation. For what it is worth, I decided to get rid of my bed, the one in which Kenneth and I had shared for our entire relationship, the one we spent have of our lives in (because he was bed bound for so many years), and the one he died in, when I recently moved. I wanted to start a new life, in a new place, without all the "things" that tied me to Kenneth and my life with him. It was one of the smartest things I ever did, but it was a heartbreaking moment, when I looked at it that last time.

[Mizpah]

My boyfriend and I sleep in my bed, the bed I shared with DH, in his house, the house he shared with his late fiancee.  The bed doesn't trouble me.  The house does.  But that's me - I've always lived in my head and in my imagination, so I constantly imagine her, or I imagine their life together there.  He seems to be just fine about the bed, and about the house - he told me, in response to my saying I feel like I live in *her* house, that he owned it and lived there for years before they got together....  So much of this stuff is "just" in our heads.  But to a large extent we live in our heads, huh?  Argh.  F widowhood!