Is it just me?

[mikeeh]

I know that I am weird.  I  know that my brain works different from other people.  I take issue with some things that other people don't even think about.  So maybe this is just me.

 

It is Friday and we are allowed to dress more casual than the rest of the week.  One of the women I work with, on casual Friday, wore a "Save the Rack" t-shirt with a set of horns and a pink ribbon.  It was a humorous supportive shirt to promote breast cancer awareness.  I don't really need any more awareness of breast cancer, I am quite aware of it thank you having lost my wife to it 2 1/4 years ago.

 

Is it strange, won't say wrong, of me to be so bothered by that shirt?  Am I just being too selfish and narcissistic in thinking that out of consideration for me she maybe shouldn't have worn that shirt to work?  I said nothing, I am not mad.  We work together well and get along just fine so it is not an anger or long term thing.  It just kind of set a mood to the day that I couldn't shake.  I found myself avoiding her today just to not have to deal with the shirt. 

 

Is this just me being irrational?  I know it is petty of me, and I don't want this to happen to anyone else, but I also get that same petty jealousy I get when I see an old couple in the grocery store.  Why do you still have each other at your age and I don't have her.  It is hard not to resent survivors even though you don't really want bad things to happen.  And don't even get me started about that damn Cancer Center Ad.  "We are going to win" my ass!

 

And to top it all off.  We are moving our offices to a new building.  Our boss took us on a road trip to show us where the new offices are going to be.  While much closer to home, just a couple miles, it is in an office park where the physical therapist is that I took her for to try to help with the neuropathy.  Lots of memories from taking her there and helping her through her sessions.

 

Just a combination of circumstances that made today not a great day.

[Guaruj]

Hi Mike -

 

I don't blame you for feeling bothered by that T-shirt:

 

It is Friday and we are allowed to dress more casual than the rest of the week.  One of the women I work with, on casual Friday, wore a "Save the Rack" t-shirt with a set of horns and a pink ribbon.  It was a humorous supportive shirt to promote breast cancer awareness.  I don't really need any more awareness of breast cancer, I am quite aware of it thank you having lost my wife to it 2 1/4 years ago.

 

It's a joke in poor taste regarding a sensitive subject that is painful for you. Do you spend your workday discussing the "racks" of your female co-workers? Of course not; that's obviously inappropriate. Most men know that such behavior would endanger their standing with their employer.

 

If she wears that shirt again, I think you should politely let her know that it bothers you. She may have mistakenly assumed that you would be pleased with her "effort" to raise cancer awareness.

 

And don't even get me started about that damn Cancer Center Ad.  "We are going to win" my ass!

 

My wife, Catherine, died of a rare type of cancer called sarcoma. She was in treatment of 8 years and had to rely on experimental chemo regimens when she ran out of FDA-approved treatments. She and I were both upset with some of publicity surrounding cancer research fund-raising. I had to remind my co-workers that not all cancers are curable. Not by a longshot.

 

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[Trying]

I get bothered by "survivor" talk and promotional things that talk about peop,e beating cancer because they are strong or have a big prayer circle or tremendous faith or whatever.  DH had all of that and more and didn't beat it.  Not rational or compassionate of me to feel that way.  If DH had survived, I would be saying the same things I'm sure.

 

I think your feelings are valid.  I think her T shirt is inappropriate for work.  I think she probably has someone in her life affected by breast cancer, or maybe she herself, and she is viewing it from her perspective. 

 

Sometimes we have to suck up what makes us uncomfortable, it really is awful when you have those triggers and you can't escape them.

[JeanGenie]

I get bothered by "survivor" talk and promotional things that talk about peop,e beating cancer because they are strong or have a big prayer circle or tremendous faith or whatever.  DH had all of that and more and didn't beat it.  Not rational or compassionate of me to feel that way.  If DH had survived, I would be saying the same things I'm sure.

 

Yup, this is me too.  Like maybe we didn't pray or fight hard enough...yeah, right!

 

I know it is petty of me, and I don't want this to happen to anyone else, but I also get that same petty jealousy I get when I see an old couple in the grocery store.

 

And, Mike, this could be a whole other topic...so jealous of old couples--do they know how lucky they are?  And why are they together and we're not.

 

But to go back to the original issue.  I think the shirt itself was kinda inappropriate for work.  I mean, there's casual Friday but as Mark said, if a guy wore something referencing a "rack", they'd be in the HR office pretty quickly.  There are many more tasteful ways to support breast cancer awareness.

 

Bottom line, as others point out to me frequently, there are all these small triggers that just hit us sometimes.  We can't always predict them or understand why they upset us one moment and not the next.  Just part of this journey we're on.  It doesn't have to make sense.  It just is and we thankfully can come here and vent and share because as we all know, we just get it!

 

[Needytoo]

What kind of platform is "save the rack"? I find it offensive. My Mom had breast cancer and she sure lost more than just her rack she lost her life. 

I don't get upset seeing older couples but I do have a pet peeve.  When someone is talking about their husband and they don't even say their name they just keep saying over and over again husband.  That really rubs me the wrong way.

[donswife]

Yes that was an inappropriate shirt to wear to work

don't quite understand that just because its for a "cause" t shirts can get a pass on their content

and I understand why it would bother you and you handled it well

I could never understand why they call it a "fight" when dealing with cancer , means there is a winner and a loser

 

I will admit i do see myself resenting older couples ,

makes me angry because Don didn't get to be one of those older men

 

[SoVerySad]

Hugs to you, Mike. It isn't just you. There are so many unexpected triggers that hit me. It is hard when they come out of the blue and you are in a situation in public where you have to handle them. While I didn't lose my husband to cancer, those ads drive me nuts as well. I know it isn't about winning or trying harder, praying hard enough, etc.. I honestly don't know what seemingly turns the coin one way or another, but it isn't lack of love, fight, or faith.

 

[mikeeh]

Thanks all,

 

My wife never understood the whole 'fighting cancer" motif.  She always felt like she wasn't doing it right or not strong enough because it always got worse.

 

No matter what treatment she subjected herself to, how much poison she let them put in her it got worse.  Then you hear about the damn fight hard, stay strong and it always felt to her like it was her fault it was killing her.

[gracelet]

Just remember that none of it is a personal attack on you. Yes, of course it's triggering, but people (very fortunately for them) just won't get it so do your best to control your responses and reactions in front of them. Coming here to let it out was a very good idea.

[lcoxwell]

I cannot speak from any kind of personal experience, as cancer was just about the only illness my Kenneth did not have, it seems. That being said, from my point of view, it doesn't seem that you are being unreasonable to feel the way that you do. If I were in your shoes, I might very likely feel the same way.

[Virgo]

I get bothered by "survivor" talk and promotional things that talk about peop,e beating cancer because they are strong or have a big prayer circle or tremendous faith or whatever.  DH had all of that and more and didn't beat it.  Not rational or compassionate of me to feel that way.  If DH had survived, I would be saying the same things I'm sure.

 

I think your feelings are valid.  I think her T shirt is inappropriate for work.  I think she probably has someone in her life affected by breast cancer, or maybe she herself, and she is viewing it from her perspective. 

 

Sometimes we have to suck up what makes us uncomfortable, it really is awful when you have those triggers and you can't escape them.

 

Exactly what I was going to say. Your feelings are valid. It was an inappropriate t-shirt for work. I hate the survivor talk too. There wasn't anything that he did or didn't do to change the outcome. He would have done anything to be here for me and our daughters.

[BrokenHeart2]

Well Mike, I guess you're not as weird or alone as you thought you might be. We get it. I certainly do!  That T shirt is inappropriate and offensive. well stupid too if you ask me. As for the cancer slogans and Rharha crap, I hate it to. DH did everything he could.

We have all been through hell and yes the ones that haven't traveled this nightmare are of a road don't get it. I didn't before DH died.

All in I could see why you had a bad day. I hope you get to have a better weekend! Hugs

[twistedmensa]

Don't get me started on those Cancer Treatment Centers commercials...I'm lucky I haven't broken my TV because I always throw something at it when one comes on. I'm glad there are survivors, I truly am, but my husband wasn't one of them...nor was my aunt..my uncle...my cousin. So I am absolutely triggered when I hear about others who did. I am just full of contradictory feelings.

 

I generally deal with it by quietly walking away. Maybe not the best way to deal with it, but it works for me.

 

 

[mikeeh]

I usually have a couple of choice words in response to those ads.

[keeptrying]

I don?t mean to offend anyone by this post.. All the bracelets and shirts, I love boobies and nonsense like that. People collecting money, running and doing various activities to get money for ?the cure?.  Praying on people?s emotions to gain money so people who work in these foundations can make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, who are NO closer to a cure than they were before they even started this. We are actually worse off.  Cancer has gone WAY up since all these organizations started with their fundraising. It is a multibillion dollar business. Like the common cold, it is too big of a money maker to find a cure. I sat back watching people in pain with all the temporary painful fixes through harmful radiation and other painful treatments. Saw them BEAT cancer.. only to get devastating news years later. It hurts to see people go through this, having great hope that they will get rid of the cancer. Some do, but everyone I have ever known it has only been temporary. It all comes back, so be it 6 months or 6 years. Or the last few moments of their lives they could have lived pain free, but sped up the dying process with extreme pain through treatments that never helped. All the people who wear the stupid slogans to get money for these people should do research and see how much of their money actually goes on cancer research. If a few pennies of your dollar goes to help, you are lucky. Most if not all goes in someone?s pocket to buy a brand new overly expensive car, while your loved one is in excruciating pain dying. ? I am sorry, I am tired of the ?cancer fraud? cure for money.

[Quixote]

Thanks all,

 

My wife never understood the whole 'fighting cancer" motif.  She always felt like she wasn't doing it right or not strong enough because it always got worse.

 

No matter what treatment she subjected herself to, how much poison she let them put in her it got worse.  Then you hear about the damn fight hard, stay strong and it always felt to her like it was her fault it was killing her.

 

 

My wife had four bouts of cancer, starting when she was nineteen, with the last at 45.  The first three, she got all those "you go girl!" and folks would tell her how strong she was.  She hated it.  She always said "Don't call me a survivor, I'm just muddling along".  She hated the whole labeling survivors got, like they were nothing more than some mystical ability to beat disease.

 

She didn't beat inoperable pancreatic cancer.  My mother, who loved my wife like a daughter, gave her the whole "You can do it!" pep talk, which reduced my wife to tears.  She told me that the worst part was feeling like she was disappointing all those people who expected her to magically beat a terminal diagnosis.  So I talked to my mom, and she finally got it.

 

They want to believe in some magical cure.  Like if you burn enough candles and the victim is pure of heart and strong of soul, everything will be okay.  More cynically, I think there's an underlying feeling that if they were ever sick, they'd just Norman Cousins the doom away, unlike weaker willed folk.

 

We know it isn't true.  But it's a pleasant fairy tale for many.  Unfortunately, it often hurts those struggling with potentially fatal disease.

[mikeeh]

Well said Quixote

[lcoxwell]

There are many things I don't understand in this world. One thing I do know, is that one's ability to "beat" or "survive" a potentially fatal illness, or not, is not simply based on who has the stronger will or the desire to fight hardest. It isn't about whose faith in God, or whichever "higher power" one chooses to believe in is deeper. It doesn't boil down to who had the newest/latest/most promising medical treatment. It most certainly isn't about who loves their spouses, family, friends, etc. enough to hang on. If that were the case, many of us would have no need to be here, because our loves would still be with us.

 

A part of me understands that the message of hope needs to be out there, to give those, who are currently struggling something to hold onto. I get that. But I also get the unfairness of it all, and I completely understand how seeing all the "Rah, Rah!" cheerleader propaganda can really hurt those, who have suffered the loss.

[canadiangirl]

Thanks all,

 

My wife never understood the whole 'fighting cancer" motif.  She always felt like she wasn't doing it right or not strong enough because it always got worse.

 

No matter what treatment she subjected herself to, how much poison she let them put in her it got worse.  Then you hear about the damn fight hard, stay strong and it always felt to her like it was her fault it was killing her.

 

 

My wife had four bouts of cancer, starting when she was nineteen, with the last at 45.  The first three, she got all those "you go girl!" and folks would tell her how strong she was.  She hated it.  She always said "Don't call me a survivor, I'm just muddling along".  She hated the whole labeling survivors got, like they were nothing more than some mystical ability to beat disease.

 

She didn't beat inoperable pancreatic cancer.  My mother, who loved my wife like a daughter, gave her the whole "You can do it!" pep talk, which reduced my wife to tears.  She told me that the worst part was feeling like she was disappointing all those people who expected her to magically beat a terminal diagnosis.  So I talked to my mom, and she finally got it.

 

They want to believe in some magical cure.  Like if you burn enough candles and the victim is pure of heart and strong of soul, everything will be okay.  More cynically, I think there's an underlying feeling that if they were ever sick, they'd just Norman Cousins the doom away, unlike weaker willed folk.

 

We know it isn't true.  But it's a pleasant fairy tale for many.  Unfortunately, it often hurts those struggling with potentially fatal disease.

 

This, from both of you.  Exactly.  The emphasis on positive thinking in particular I think is offensive and blames the victim.  Science does not support the notion that you can positive think a serious disease away. 

 

I am sorry that woman was insensitive, mikeeh. It's for a good cause - I too would've been non-confrontational.

 

I do know people who survived cancer and it did not recur; they died of natural causes.  I wish it had been my DH.  I do like this news:  http://news.nationalpost.com/news/world/u-s-scientists-successfully-turn-human-cancer-cells-back-to-normal-in-process-theyre-hopeful-can-one-day-switch-off-disease 

 

[Mizpah]

I think it's totally normal for a while in the beginning, and maybe continuing for even years, to be bothered by stuff like this.  My DH was hit by a car that was involved in an accident and went flying up onto the sidewalk and killed him.  That common phrase, to throw someone under the bus, at first could bring me to tears and rageous anger, then made me bristle, then I just noticed it, and now I'm almost like everyone else in that it doesn't really affect me.  It's different in many respects, I think, with those who were killed by a disease/condition, and suicide, but I know for me, it did lessen with time. 

[Catnip]

Many of these people have never been close to anyone with cancer or other illnesses. They are the lucky ones.

 

I hate people who say stupid things like, "Oh I forgot, I guess I have Alzheimer's!"

No, you don't. My Mother had Alzheimer's for 7 years. It's no joke.

 

My Mother also had breast cancer, twice. But she died of Alzheimer's.

My brother and I do joke that we will one day inherit cancer, but not remember it!

[mikeeh]

I thought I would give a quick update on this situation.

 

So yesterday was the big pack up the office dress down day.  Doesn't my co-worker were the same "Save the Rack" shirt she wore at my original post.  Luckily we were all too busy so not much of a distraction.

 

Now, I was originally concerned that the Physical Therapist that I took my wife to for the neuropathy had moved their offices from one place in that office park to one right across the parking lot from our new offices.

 

Here is a new twist.  Because there is some prep work and reconfiguring to be done we have to move into some temporary offices for a few weeks.  I just discovered this morning that the temporary offices are actually in the empty offices of the PT place.  So now I will be working in the offices that the last time I was in that room was to try to keep my wife walking and stable enough to be able to go to the kitchen on her own. 

 

Maybe I am just being silly, it is just a room after all right?

 

I guess the question is do I even say anything to the people I work with?  Would they get t?  Do they care?

 

 

[sojourner]

Oh, ouch! Just going to the ER with one of my kids for the first time since taking LH there near the end of his life was traumatic enough for me, & we weren't even there that long. I can't imagine daily working where you'd gone through so much with your wife.

I guess I wouldn't really count on people completely understanding, but just speaking for myself, I probably would say something just to get it outside of my head & help process something so big. Sympathies!!

[Guaruj]

I just discovered this morning that the temporary offices are actually in the empty offices of the PT place.  So now I will be working in the offices that the last time I was in that room was to try to keep my wife walking and stable enough to be able to go to the kitchen on her own. 

 

Maybe I am just being silly, it is just a room after all right?

 

This would bother me, too. It's been 15 months since Catherine died, and I still have strong feelings about certain places.

 

I guess the question is do I even say anything to the people I work with?  Would they get t?  Do they care?

 

If this happened to me in my current job, I would explain the situation to someone.

 

Do you think you get used to working in that space? Have you tried visiting there on your own since your wife passed?

 

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[Torn]

I agree with the FOOLISHNESS of the t-shirt logo, Save the rack....very agrivated.

 

  I didn't loose my wife to breast cancer,however after destroying her emotionally & physically,every year when breast cancer awareness month came along we both would 'wince' with every commercial.

  My lady made it 10 years after  surgery,chemo,radiation & fought for her sanity at time, simply from the horrid chemo.

   

  The other ignorant 'save the ta ta's  crap activates me hearing that one aswell.