One Foot in, One Foot Out

[mandraps]

Hi All!

I could really use your perspective, or maybe just some understanding from some of you who have traveled or are traveling a similar path.

 

My story in a nutshell: My husband died of esophageal cancer in June of 2010 after a 2-1/2 year battle. We were both 35 when he died, with two boys ages 11 and 9, and two girls, ages 6 and 4.  I swore I'd never love again, and resolved to live my life devoted to my kids and to my late husband.. As time went on my heart started to change and soften and the walls I had put up to protect myself from the hurt that comes from devastating loss started to come down. Most surprising to me, my mind and heart opened to first the idea of loving again, and eventually, almost 5 years post loss of my husband, I found myself in love again. It was a chain of events and circumstances that I view as meant to be, designed for me. The man I married in April is a man I loved over 20 years ago. We had chosen different paths when we were 19 and then found our paths crossing again, all these years later, after his divorce and my first husband's death.  I love this man with a love that is true and deep, and I know that he loves me, but at times I feel we are on the verge of disaster. I know why, but I don't know what to do about it, or better yet, I don't know how to do it.

 

We have 7 kids between us. He lives in Idaho, near his ex wife and his 3 kids and is an amazing father.  I live in Utah, where I have been raising my 4 kids in the house almost all of them have lived in since they were babies, in the home where their dad and I lived together for 10 years, in the town where their dad was born and grew up as well as their grandfather and great-grandfather. The roots here are deep and it's a strong community of friends and family.

 

My new husband and I, feeling it in the best interest of my kids, have  decided to live in different states until next spring after my oldest son graduates from high school and it will be a more "natural" transition time for my 4. The kids love my new husband, but understandably want nothing to do with leaving their beloved home town. If it were just about me, I would be gone. I have felt for a long time that this house and this town are keeping me in a place of grief. But my strong instinct as a mother says "protect your kids from hurt at all costs, even to the point of sacrificing your own happiness!" After all, that's what we do, and that's all I know how to do. But my marriage is suffering as a result of consciously making the decision to NOT make the marriage a priority. This has snowballed into a world of hurt and insecurity and doubt for both my husband and I. Add in the complicated issues of divorce vs. death, etc. I literally feel paralyzed when it comes to doing ANYTHING to move in the direction of leaving this place.

 

My heart tells me go, but my mind and body won't follow. And possibly neither will the kids.

 

My husband has been very patient but pleads with me to "jump in with both feet."  Oh how I want to!! oh how I wish it were that easy!!  Do any of you have any experience or advice?

 

[BrokenHeart2]

Wow, 54 views and no comments. I think it's because this is a biggie! I can't offer advice because I have none.  My you find the best way for you and your family to move forward.  Best of luck to you and your family and your new husband  Big hugs to you.

[IfIonlycould]

I'm responding for the same reason BH2 responded...because no one else is!  I won't offer advice because this is incredibly complicated due to the children...perhaps you could post it in the "with children" section and get the take on those who have had to take this journey with children?  How they handled big changes and the effects/outcomes.  Best of luck to you and I am truly sorry you had the reason to find yourself on this board.

[Jess]

Exactly what IfIonlycould and BrokenHeart2 said. I read it and thought "Wow, that is a tough one! Boy, am I not qualified to give advice on this!"

 

I guess the closest thing to advice I can really give is figure out what your heart is saying and figure out what your mind is saying. Typically, when I am faced with an issue and cannot decide it is because my heart and mind are at odds with each other. For me personally, I now go with my heart most of the time.

 

I hope someone with better insight can pop in here and give actual advice.

[Justin]

mandraps,

 

Welcome to Widda, and for already participating in out community! I have read your post a couple of times, but cannot determine your exact situation. Is is that you trying to decide if he will move to Utah, or you to Idaho? Or had the decision to move to Idaho already been made, and the strife is resulting from the fact that steps have not been taking towards the move. I apologize for being a bit dense at times...

[MissinGrizz]

I swore I wouldn't remarry until my kids were grown for this reason, although I didn't have to move to a different state. I can't imagine doing that. I did, however, end up agreeing to sell the home they grew up in to start fresh in a new home, so my new husband and his son wouldn't always feel like guests. (I was 4.5 years out when all of this happened). He sold his home too, and we combined. I did state that under no circumstances would I change my kids' school districts, so we bought in our more expensive town. It turned out well, though, as at the time his son went in our district due to his mom's address, and now that she's moved, he'd have had to change schools. All kids keep stability this way. The first year was a hard blend, but we're finally getting there. We made sure all the kids were involved in choices and have their own personal spaces in our new home.

 

Here's my big question: How long had you been reconnected when you married? If you live states apart, are you truly, 100% sure this is best for you and the kids? Moving them seems to be the only option, as he has an ex- that he needs to stay near because of his kids. But, moving yours is going to cause a lot of anger and a difficult blend. You can do it, but you both will need to be strong and loving and attentive to your kids. He'll need to understand if/when you do move that he won't be a priority, they will, as you help them adjust to a new life.

 

I am not a fan of people who say kids need to adjust to us and the hell with it. I am also not a fan of rolling over and dying and showing the kids what we want doesn't matter. Balance is the key.

 

I don't know if I've been any help at all. I do have this to say: my late husband's family moved across the country at the start of his senior year. They left him behind to finish school. He got into lots of trouble during that year. You need to let your son finish his senior year, unless by "next spring" you mean spring of 2017. Kids need at least two years to connect with their peers, so they can truly enjoy graduation. That's my opinion as a high school teacher of 24 years.

 

Best wishes.

 

 

[Abitlost]

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[Portside]

My husband has been very patient but pleads with me to "jump in with both feet."  Oh how I want to!! oh how I wish it were that easy!!  Do any of you have any experience or advice?

 

This may sound Yoda-ish but my advice is to either do it or don't. There is no try. You seem to be dancing around the edges of a fully committed marriage and are unhappy with the results. Well, then change something. You have the power - just go ahead and jump in.

 

You are already unhappy - change what you are doing to effect some change in your married life.

 

There never is a time when all the planets align to make big changes in our lives. If you wait for that you will die an old, lonely, unhappy person.

 

A poor plan, violently executed has a much bigger chance of success than a great plan halfheartedly executed.

 

Take a deep breath, hold your nose, run up to the pool and dive in! I did, it worked for me, it can for you.

 

Good luck - Mike

[Sugarbell]

Ok so your youngest was 4...you reconnected and found love again 5 years later so she was 9...So I am guessing she's 17 now Senior year...So you've been dating 8 years before you remarried new love in Idaho?

 

Or is my math off? At any rate...8 years is a long time so it does sound like you know what you want and he's been patient. As a woman...I was say "Yeah you need to move"

 

As a Mom...I say "Shoot what's 9 more months?". Senior year...moving a kid middle of school year...that sounds disastrous!

At this stage of my life...the Mom always wins...I would personally wait...you have an endpoint..a goal...it's very doable. Nine months isn't that long to wait. (if you had a 9th grader...that would be a different story).

 

But that's just me.

[serpico]

Ok so your youngest was 4...you reconnected and found love again 5 years later so she was 9...So I am guessing she's 17 now Senior year...So you've been dating 8 years before you remarried new love in Idaho?

 

Or is my math off?

 

My husband died of esophageal cancer in June of 2010 after a 2-1/2 year battle. We were both 35 when he died, with two boys ages 11 and 9, and two girls, ages 6 and 4.

 

Sounds like the youngest is 9.

[anniegirl]

People move kids all the time for all sorts of reasons and most of the time, everyone adjusts. It sounds like you have a plan but kids are perhaps taking advantage of the lengthy timeline to try and sway you?

 

Maybe it's just time to be honest with them about how important this is too you and to your new marriage.

[Sugarbell]

Ok...I read this wrong...I thought it was the youngest (the girl who was 4) who was now a Senior. I thought the rest has graduated...It's the oldest son...so there would be 3 more kids after him.

 

Shit...that puts a different spin on it. 

[Guest Lost35]

From what you wrote, you are having to choose between your children and your new marriage.  I can imagine that sort of pull would be very difficult.  Is your new husband able to move to you?  He has children and an ex-wife, but what are their ages?  They have some stability in that they still have another parent, so would that help them with the transition?  I am also unable to help or contribute as I'm not in a similar circumstance, but perhaps you could work with your new husband to make something work for him and your children aside from uprooting your family?

 

I can't imagine the difficulty in all of this.  Good luck to you and take care of yourself!

[serpico]

People move kids all the time for all sorts of reasons and most of the time, everyone adjusts. It sounds like you have a plan but kids are perhaps taking advantage of the lengthy timeline to try and sway you?

 

Maybe it's just time to be honest with them about how important this is too you and to your new marriage.

 

When I started dating again, my kids made me promise we would never move if I were to remarry. I'm not one to let my kids make decisions that are mine to make, but this was one promise I was happy to give them. Some places (due to friends, relatives, etc) have such a hold on us that it would damn near be criminal to take our kids out of that environment.

[anniegirl]

I don't think it's a good idea to promise our children that nothing will ever change in our lives because stuff happens.

 

The OP isn't happy living where they are living. She wants to move and she wants to be with her husband. There is a plan to do so but it sounds like the kids are putting pressure on her.

 

When I remarried, I left the US for Canada. No one was particularly happy about my decision except me and my husband. But it was my call and eight and a half years later, it's still one of the best decisions I have ever made and I made it with the future in mind, knowing full well that it would be an adjustment and that people were going to adjust in their own sweet time.

 

Family, child, friends did all adjust. This is the 21st century and there are many ways to keep in touch and visit.

 

All situations are different because people are different but the OP doesn't sound like she is happily living in her LH's hometown because the kids need that. She sounds like she is just enduring it. and not happily at all, which cannot possibly end well.

 

Her kids are teens and preteen. Old enough to understand that their mother's happiness is as much their concern as their happiness is hers. Family is a mutual work in progress. Not just Mom's job. jmo.

 

 

[THATgurl]

This is surely a multifaceted issue and it does seem to me the Widda community might be able to give more useful opinions and suggestions if we had a bit more information (if you are comfortable with that).  In my eyes, some locations are fairly transient by nature while some rarely see comings and goings.  On top of that, some families are more transient and spread out while other families have nary a member that has ever moved away from "home" for even a short period of time.  The answers to these types of questions are far from simple and will depend on all types of variables.

 

From what you said, it sounds as though you might be saying that your family is rooted in your current community for generations and there was little expectation that anyone would be moving away.  If that is the case, it may well be that even if you move, your kids will return once they are out on their own. 

 

You also say that you were thinking of moving in with your husband next spring when the transition would be better for your four kids (which I am reading to mean that you and your children would be relocating to Idaho).  I am not entirely sure why the transition would be better for the three younger ones outside of the fact they would have some time to adjust to the change and would not be moving in the middle of a school year.  While those are both important factors and worthy of consideration, in my opinion those issues are likely more manageable than some of the other issues you may possibly be facing.

 

Wishing you the best with whatever decisions you make here.

[calimom]

I don't think it's a good idea to promise our children that nothing will ever change in our lives because stuff happens.

 

The OP isn't happy living where they are living. She wants to move and she wants to be with her husband. There is a plan to do so but it sounds like the kids are putting pressure on her.

 

When I remarried, I left the US for Canada. No one was particularly happy about my decision except me and my husband. But it was my call and eight and a half years later, it's still one of the best decisions I have ever made and I made it with the future in mind, knowing full well that it would be an adjustment and that people were going to adjust in their own sweet time.

 

Family, child, friends did all adjust. This is the 21st century and there are many ways to keep in touch and visit.

 

All situations are different because people are different but the OP doesn't sound like she is happily living in her LH's hometown because the kids need that. She sounds like she is just enduring it. and not happily at all, which cannot possibly end well.

 

Her kids are teens and preteen. Old enough to understand that their mother's happiness is as much their concern as their happiness is hers. Family is a mutual work in progress. Not just Mom's job. jmo.

 

And that's great, Anniegirl. It's wonderful it all worked out for you.

 

But in the OP's case, her children are older, and very established in their lives in the town they've grown up in.  They have loved and lost their father there.  It's understandable they may not want to follow their mother to whatever new town she may have found happiness in.  They might be down with the new husband but they might not want to move to Pocatello.

 

OP:  where do YOU want to live?  Is there anywhere that doing the wither though goest thing?  It's 2015.  You can live as you please, if you have resources and a career.  In Utah, you live where your late husband has lived for generations.  That's very nice, and comforting.  In Idaho, you have our old boyfriend, now husband, but is that truly your future? Has Idaho always been your dream locale?  It seems important for you to have your children to have continuity, and that is a very fine goal, are you OK with that?

 

Remember, you can have the marriage you now have without co-habitating.  It's not the norm, but not completely off the wall either.There are planes, trains and automobiles.  It's understandable that the new husband (not to mention the ex-wife and the 3 kids) don't want to leave their home.  Hopefully you can find a way to live that makes everyone happy, it doesn't need to be traditional, and it can work.

 

Wishing you the best.

[Trying]

It seems like a very difficult decision to make.  It is understandable that you don't want to move your oldest before graduation and that you worry about moving all of them from a place they have such deep roots.  It's definitely easier the younger kids are for them to adjust.  I am looking towards a possible blending situation at some point down the road, we are local, and still the logistics make my head spin, so I can't even imagine doing it in different states. 

 

My question, which may be none of my business, is why was there a rush to be married before you were ready to make a move?  I have heard of other couples doing this and I am always curious what the motivation is.

 

whatever you decide to do, commit to the decision and then work towards making it as uncomplicated as you can.  Wishing you all the best.

[Catnip]

I have a few questions, too. Why did you marry in April and not move over the summer with your kids, to start them all in new schools in the fall?

 

If this is the love of your life, how can you go another minute without him in your life?

 

Wouldn't a step-father be a good influence for your 16 year old now, before he goes off to college?

 

You said your children like this man, but it really sounds like they are definitely manipulating you to not move in with him.

 

Good luck in your decision. You made the decision to marry him, but you are not following thru on the commitment of marriage. What is this teaching your children?

[serpico]

I don't think it's a good idea to promise our children that nothing will ever change in our lives because stuff happens.

 

I agree with you, but that's not what I promised them.  I made a limited and specific promise that we wouldn't move out of our house and away from grandparents, aunts and uncles, neighbors, and life-long friends.

 

And it was a great idea and one I would do a thousand times over.  Others' results may vary.

[Melbar]

I would say follow through with your plans to let your oldest graduate from high school, and then make your move.  That gives you time to prepare the younger ones for what is going to happen, and do everything you can to begin helping them look at this as a positive thing.  If you are showing doubt and hesitation and anxiety over it, they will pick up on that for sure.  I would also spend as much time as possible under 'blended' conditions - weekends, etc., to help them get used to the idea and so you and your husband can gauge what the potential issues might be and start figuring out how you'll handle them.  In that way, you have an edge over people who have to learn as they go while they're already living it - so look at this as an opportunity that a lot of couples never had. 

 

I love my kids and give them 100% every day.  But I am not a fan of assigning people a numerical position in my life.  Everyone I love is extremely important to me, and yes, there will be lots of times my kids have to come first but when you're married, there should also be times your marriage comes first, otherwise it is doomed.  No one likes feeling second all the time and even the biggest-hearted martyr is going to tire of it after a while.

 

On a personal note, I moved a LOT growing up, including in the 11th grade and it was always an adjustment but I turned out fine and credit it for my resilience as an adult.  . Best wishes in what you decide. 

[Sugarbell]

I have thought a lot about this...and actually NG and I had our first conversation about this (We are a long way off from marriage/cohabitating but have started to discuss practical/kids/house issues.

 

Glad we had it. He admitted that his home to take years to sell in his area..and when he bought it it had been on the market a while. I made it clear (Again) that while I love his home/land my kids would not be happy away from friends, neighbors, school. He was here this weekend and noticed how my house is the hAng out for all 3 of my kids friends and agreed they wouldn't be happy in the country. He said he would wait....that we could date/exclusively till the last one is out of high school (uh that's 10 years)...Or if it ever happens and we ever married-live separately till he sold his place...he would move up here (which puts him an hour from work instead of 5 minutes where he is now)...He would build on an addition to the house...and with any leftover money get a small vacation home somewhere (my house Willl also be paid off in 2 years).

 

I am really glad we had this conversation...I am sure there will be many more before that time ever comes...But I have learned it's important to be on the same page early on.

 

Personally....being married but living separately In your case may not be a bad idea for a while.

[mandraps]

Thank you all for your comments. Mike, yours especially struck me!! So true. Thank you!